I'm Not Packing my Parka Because It's Not a Canadian Beach (1865 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.93 on 46 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by The Caes (View user info) at 2006-04-04 22:48:21 EDT
The time is drawing near. On April 23rd I go to the Domincan Republic for a week for one of my best friends' wedding. It's a big deal! What? No, not the wedding, people get married every day. The BIG DEAL is, I've never been anywhere before, and here I am...going somewhere!!
It will be a totally alien experience. Different country, different language, currency, customs...hell, I've never even set foot on a plane before.
But! I don't want to arrive unprepared. I know nothing about the Dominican...it could be that if I walk down the wrong path from my hotel I'll get eaten by a group of roving land sharks, for all I know. So I've asked around, and I've made some preparations for the big event:
SHORTS: Check. I know this shouldn't be something I need to check on, but until a year or two ago I think I owned one pair of shorts and wore them sometime between seldom and never. I'm just not a shorts guy. You see, once when I was a child, I was attacked by a pack of bitey gnomes. They tore my shins to shreds with their yellow wooden teeth. So shorts, nevermore!!
Of course, I've accepted that, shit, it's probably pretty hot in the Dominican and I'll look like a complete doofus if I dress the same way over there as I do here. Of course, some of you may remark that I look like a complete doofus now, but you're dirty-mouthed little sluts and no one loves you. I have enough shorts now to almost last a week (swim trunks included), provided I don't soil myself too often.
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SUNTAN LOTION: Check. Though I might bring an extra bottle just in case. In fact, my skin is so pasty (i prefer the term 'fair skinned') that it wouldn't be a bad idea to bring a vat of SPF 50 for me to bathe in. I could leave it by the beach...that way I could go swimming, come back, and jump into my SPF bath for a nice, mild tan.
Jesus, I've never been tanned in my whole life. NEVER. I can't...I can't even imagine what I'd look like with brown skin. It simply does not compute. I'll tell you the first thing I'll do if it happens though, and that's wrap my head in a towel and yell 'DERKA DERKA JIHAD' at everyone I pass until I get arrested. Which should take about five minutes.
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IMMUNITY FROM LOCAL DISEASES: Check (in progress). I've gotten two of my three hepatitis A&B shots. One more and I'm immune for 15 years, and one more after that and I'm immune for life, freeing me up to lick as many rusty nails and chew as many contaminated ice cubes as I want. The amount of trouble I have to go through to get these simple immunizations kind of took me by surprise. I thought I could go to a clinic, they'd give me the shots, and that would be it. But nnoooooo.
The clinic doctor grilled me with questions: Ever been travelling before? Any allergies? On any medications now? Are you a smoker? Drinker? Do you do marijuana? Cocaine? Are you sexually active? Heterosexually active? Homosexually active? Have you ever had a homosexual relationship? And so forth. Then after that, I had to take the prescription he gave me and go to the pharmacy to buy the vaccine. Then I had to return for someone to do the injection for me.
While I was at it, I got a polio and tetanus shot, just for fun. So, all at once, I was injected with polio, tetanus, hepatitus A, and hepatitus B. And I sniffed some glue on the way out. So, GO IMMUNE SYSTEM!! I wonder if it's possible to get so many vaccinations all at once that your body just crashes. So far I seem to be okay, except that I can see swirling bright lights all the time and my lungs are filled with blood.
I have to get one more hep injection and I'll be set. With all that taken care of, all I have to worry about is explosive diarrhea (which, being lactose-intolerant, i am no stranger to) and hepatitus C. And cannibals, I guess. They have cannibals in the Domincan, don't they?
My roomate has also embarked on a journey of medical vaccinations. Unfortunately for him, I don't think that they've invented a vaccine for "Filthy Dominican Skanks," so he'll just have to bring some sexual protection. His drunken pick-up lines should do it. Unless the Dominican ladies think that "Hey baby, I wanna fire my pink-seeking meat-missle into Stinktown" is a sexy opener.
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A SEXY BEACH BODY: Errr...not quite 'check.' My plan of eating less crap and exercising more has kind of been trumped by my love for eating crap and sleeping in. But in case of emergency, I'll bring a magic marker with me and draw some abs on at the last minute. You might think it will look ridiculous, but my cross-hatching skills are improving every day.
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COLOSTOMY BAG: For those days where I just don't want to get out of the pool.
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VARIOUS TOILETRIES: I'm planning on bringing as many random necessities as I can, because I don't want to have to pay $20 for a stick of deodorant. Speaking of which, I just bought deodorant, and to my confused surprise, it has a comfort grip on the sides. Let that sink in for a second.
My deodorant has a fucking comfort grip.
What the shit is that all about? How non-slip does my deodorant stick have to be? I'm a somewhat spazzy guy, and I think I can count on one hand the number of times I've dropped my deodrant in my life. And not once have I ever thought, "The smooth round sides of this deodorant stick chafe my hands; I wish it could be replaced with soft rubber ridges."
The best part is, in order to utilize the comfort grip, you can't hold the deodorant like I normally do, no no...you have to wrap your fingers all the way around, you have to grab it like a goddamn cock (or so i would imagine). You have to grab it like was a knife you're planning on stabbing yourself in the armpit with. Which of course, I am going to do every time I apply deodorant from now on, while screaming "ARCTIC BREEZE!!!" at the top of my lungs.
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SEVERAL HATS: I already own a lot of hats, but I need a different kind for the Dominican sun. The challenge is getting a hat floppy enough to protect my ears and neck, but manly enough to not make me look like an effeminate bi-curious albino with a penchant for Domincan boys. Come, Paco. Rub lotion on my back. Lower...lower...much lower...TOO LOW!
...lower.
Well, that's all I got for now. Sure, I'm bringing some other things, like money, sandals, a book, and a change of nice clothes in case we go anywhere that needs a dress code.
But I wonder, am I missing anything? Suggestions are welcome.
User Reviews
Submitted by Alter (user info) at 2007-09-26 21:57:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No, Comment.
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2007-02-09 18:02:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2006-09-07 02:05:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Worth reading.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-07-08 16:49:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
There are a solid 15 posts of +2 streaks with 30 or more reviews. That is stupid. I am weeding it all out by giving every one of them a +1; that way posts that have 1.99 with 200+ reviews gets best ever.
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2006-05-28 04:22:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pasty Canadian +2
Submitted by BrownEyedGirrl (user info) at 2006-05-19 23:59:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
How was the Dominican??
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-04-19 01:21:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/86769
Caes, would you be interested in playing our little games?
Submitted by Durae (user info) at 2006-04-06 08:51:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hehe ARCTIC BREEZE!
Sunglasses are good. Sounds like it's going to be a fun trip, I'm envious.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2006-04-05 22:18:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-04-05 16:08:51 (#)
Ranking: 2
Can't say I've been anyway more south than Florida, but I would suggest that you mind the chupacabras and zombies down there.
Excellent reply.
Submitted by nrduncan (user info) at 2006-04-05 17:57:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-04-05 16:08:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Can't say I've been anyway more south than Florida, but I would suggest that you mind the chupacabras and zombies down there.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-04-05 14:41:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
take off eh!
jealousy jealousy jealousy
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-04-05 14:11:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Make sure to mutilate a local hooker or two.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-04-05 14:07:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-04-05 09:56:30 (#)
Ranking: 2
Ask and you shall recieve Caes.
NSFW Link NSFW NSFW
http://populationpaste.com/blog/2006/03/29/live-nude-octopus-better-living-through-tentacles/
-Dave
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Dave, that was sweet of you to link me to that ridiculous site. Though I should point out that I technically didn't ask to receive such a magnificent gift.
Seriously, someone find a Japanese person so they can explain to me in broken English how a naked woman with a dead octopus on her head is sexy.
...or a live one, for that matter.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-04-05 14:05:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2006-04-05 13:42:38 (#)
Ranking: 2
Be sure and drink plenty of the local water. You don't want to get dehydrated.
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HAR HAR HAR
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2006-04-05 13:42:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Be sure and drink plenty of the local water. You don't want to get dehydrated.
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2006-04-05 13:31:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm always in complete awe of people who have never been to a foriegn country, never been on an airplane, never been exposed to a foriegn language....
I wish to Christ my life was that simple.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-04-05 13:25:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good for you.
Don't forget to have fun
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-04-05 10:10:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
don't buy shit from kids on the beach and don't feed the beggars down there. it's like having fries around seagulls.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-04-05 09:56:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Should point you here Caes.
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Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-04-05 03:06:36 (#)
Ranking: 2
Not the worst thing I have seen, but did make me feel a little urgh.
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Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-04-03 07:31:27 (#)
Ranking: 2
Hmmm, upon actually watching the video, I have to revise my comment. Of course when you said Japanese eel porn I automatically assumed it was anime, not real life. That's...significantly creepier. Though I think I'd still rather see that than a girl having sex with her own shit.
I wonder if these are the first steps to making a real life tentacle-sex porno for the Japanese. I bet the octopus trainers are working overtime.
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Ask and you shall recieve Caes.
NSFW Link NSFW NSFW
http://populationpaste.com/blog/2006/03/29/live-nude-octopus-better-living-through-tentacles/
-Dave
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-Dave
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2006-04-05 09:42:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-04-05 09:23:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
But I wonder, am I missing anything? Suggestions are welcome.
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I don't know if I'm an idiot or just not awake yet. But I believe you made a reference to rusty nails being okay cause you got a Hep shot.
If that is the case please be careful because the tetanus shot is what will save your ass from lockjaw, not the hep shot.
Remember to get another shot while you are down there if you happen to step on a rusty dominican nail. Because you can never have to many.
I had three in one year.... cause I was a busy little shit.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-04-05 08:24:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MichelleNJ (user info) at 2006-04-05 08:12:55 (#)
Ranking: 2
You should hit the tanning bed a little bit before you go, so you don't get all scorched.
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It's also especially useful for hastening the onslaught of skin cancer. Don't do it.
Have fun. First trip? You'll love it.
Submitted by MichelleNJ (user info) at 2006-04-05 08:12:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You should hit the tanning bed a little bit before you go, so you don't get all scorched.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-04-05 08:11:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Have fun.
Bring your own condoms, always try and avoid whatever type of backwards snakeskin variety that the locals use.
All inclusive resort? You probably won't be seeing too many locals, go for other people on vacation.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-04-05 07:47:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2006-04-05 07:42:56 (#)
Ranking: 2
Let loose! Have fun! Don't overthink thi- . . . too late, you've already overthought PACKING.
Take some pictures, Powder!
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Suck it, Trebek. ;)
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2006-04-05 07:42:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Let loose! Have fun! Don't overthink thi- . . . too late, you've already overthought PACKING.
Take some pictures, Powder!
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-04-05 07:36:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Wait...there's barracuda and shark in the waters? Oh, great. Thanks Hilarity, I think you just ensured that I never go swimming while I'm there.
Mr Sparkle: nice catch. Call me double A -- All Abs.
Jack: actually, this winter was unseasonably warm. It had it's cold spots, but it also had a couple spots where I didn't need a coat or sweater...and let me tell you, walking outside in the middle of February in jeans and a T shirt isn't natural. It creeps me out.
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2006-04-05 07:17:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Have a great trip.
Just try not to get kidnapped and sold into slave labor, burst into flames because of your pale skin, or get eaten by a shark. Remember, don't wear/take anything shiney into the water with you (watch, digital camera, etc.).... baracuda are attracted to it.
Oh yeah, and try as much local food as you can. It's real yummy.
Submitted by cshape (user info) at 2006-04-05 03:40:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Use a rubber.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-04-05 02:48:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I feel your pain with the "pale-skinned" issue.
-Dave
Submitted by VelvetElvis (user info) at 2006-04-05 02:26:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If you hook up with a girl, and go back to her place and find a goat standing on her roof, just pretend you didn't see it. It's best that way.
However, if she calls the goat down by name, and he follows you inside, get the hell outta there.
(You've written so much good stuff here, bumped my rating up.)
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2006-04-05 02:03:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Drawing on the 6 pack, eh? Pretty soon, da ladies will be all-upons.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-04-05 01:47:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAa
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2006-04-04 23:53:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I always knew Wardy was a pirate, its because his bucaneers are under his bucanhat.
Oh and Caes have a good trip man.
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2006-04-04 23:51:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You northern hemispharians are funny when it comes to travel, but we love you visitng here so we can giggle at your pasty skinned chubby little bodies.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-04-04 23:47:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i'm a pirate.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-04-04 23:28:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And remember, if you cross over into Haiti you can...
KILL SOME ZOMBIES!!!
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-04-04 23:27:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-04-04 23:08:42 (#)
Ranking: 0
I've just never gotten around to it. Traveling is expensive and I kind of look at it as a luxury, you know?
--
Plus fucking two for that Uber-rarity, honesty.
You aren't some globe-trotting multilingual millionaire with eleven inches of dong?
Good for you.
Have a safe and enjoyable trip, man. With the winter you guys had you desrve some sun and fun.
Submitted by toucan_sam (user info) at 2006-04-04 23:11:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-04-04 23:08:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I've just never gotten around to it. Traveling is expensive and I kind of look at it as a luxury, you know? This trip is costing me $1300 or so (all inclusive), and with what I get paid, that's something I need to save up for if I want to be able to afford it.
Submitted by Benny (user info) at 2006-04-04 23:05:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That sounds like it should be a pretty cool holiday. You have never travelled before, how old are you? Are you the type of person just to have never gotten around to it or are you young enough that this is merely your first trip?
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-04-04 23:00:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2006-04-04 22:55:49 (#)
Ranking: 2
try hitting the little square button at the bottom that says, "actual size" when you hover over it.
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Son of a bitch, will you look at that. That's fucking handy!
Thanks pen!
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2006-04-04 22:55:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-04-04 22:52:41 (#)
Ranking: 0
You know, when I open that image from my desktop, it's about a third the size. Stupid computers.
____________________
try hitting the little square button at the bottom that says, "actual size" when you hover over it.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-04-04 22:52:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You know, when I open that image from my desktop, it's about a third the size. Stupid computers.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-04-04 22:52:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahahha.
Yes, travelling is awesome.
I think you've forgotten to smuggle drugs.