The Dude Upstairs (Chapter Nine) (2306 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.96 on 42 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Grimm <grimmjuice.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2006-04-05 08:18:56 EDT
Chapter 1 - http://www.ubersite.com/m/85013
Chapter 2 - http://www.ubersite.com/m/85232
Chapter 3 - http://www.ubersite.com/m/85403
Chapter 4 - http://www.ubersite.com/m/85558
Chapter 5 - http://www.ubersite.com/m/85867
Chapter 6 - http://www.ubersite.com/m/85974
Chapter 7 - http://www.ubersite.com/m/86186
Chapter 8 - http://www.ubersite.com/m/86234
Arriving home from work on Tuesday evening, I had decided that I needed to try to have a semi-serious discussion with Dude, to let him know how much I disapprove of his behavior, and how I was at my wit's end. I'm still committed to getting him the hell out of my house by hook or crook, but my sense of fair play kept telling me that I should at least give him one final warning.
I pull into the driveway and notice his car. No time like the present, then.
I enter the foyer and find another gift in front of my door, a stack of five CD's, and a typed note.
The CD's are Miles Davis (got it), Thelonius Monk (need it), Luther Vandross (got it), 3 Doors Down (don't have it, don't want it), and Jimmy's Chicken Shack (wtf?)
The note says: "(Grimm) - these usually work for me. Sorry about the porn. Was she any good?"
I can only assume he's talking about my aborted attempt to get some ass the night before.
I gather up the CD's and ascend the staircase to knock on his door.
No answer.
I knock again.
No answer.
Odd, his car is outside. I knock again.
No answer.
O.K., I figure I'll just go down to my place and wait until I can hear him moving around up there.
I head down, unlock my door, and do all my normal end of day shit. I then head into the kitchen to see what I should make for dinner, and on my way I pass one of the back windows.
The Dude is in the backyard, sitting on one of my lawn chairs. He's got two guys and a girl with him, all around his age (19 or 20). The girl is sitting on my other lawn chair and the two guys are sitting on the lawn. They're passing something around that looks like a jay, and the Dude is talking while the other three laugh their asses off. Curious, I sneak to the kitchen window and raise it quietly about an inch.
"So I gave him my fucking belt sander, it was all I could think of," Dude says to the adoring crowd. They laugh uproariously. "Then he gave me a fucking SpongeBob Toilet seat." They laugh again.
Holy fucking shit!! The Dude is telling his friends about ME!! Sure, I do it on Uber, but this is real life! I'm fascinated by what he's going to say about me, and keep listening.
"And then the fucking landlord shows up and I blame HIM for leaving shit in front of MY door!"
One of his friends is laughing so hard that he drops the jay, and the girl looks like she's gonna piss herself.
"And the whole time, whenever I see him, I try to accuse him of being gay. It gets him so ticked off, his fuckin' face turns red and shit."
Upon hearing this, my blood pressure rises and my heart starts pounding with anger. I take two deep breaths, and then experience epiphany. If you were there, you could have seen the light bulb go off above my head.
I hurry into my home office and boot up the computer. I take a look at Dude's note and see that, like everyone else, he used a 12pt TNR font. I open up Word, type up a new note, print it out, and fold it up into my pocket. Then I get the stack of CD's and go back to the kitchen window. Dude is still talking, and his friends are still laughing.
"So he knocks on my door and he's all pissed about the fucking porn music, and he tells me he's trying to get laid and shit -"
Dude making fun of the pain from the night before gets me totally pissed, so I noisily head outside through the back door and stomp over to his little gathering with the CDs in my hand. I make sure, however, that I have a friendly smile on my face and I try to appear happy to see Dude. On my way over, Dude notices me and gets an "Oh Shit" expression on his face. One of his friends continues to laugh and the girl looks at me curiously with a half smile on her face.
"'Sup dude?" The Dude says to me. Then he turns to his friends. "This is (Grimm), the guy I was telling you about."
"Hey guys!" I say. "Nice to meet you."
They all mumble return greetings, and I'm sure they're wondering how much of their (Grimm)-bashing fest I've heard.
"You wanna hang out?" Dude asks, extending the jay to me.
"No thanks," I say, looking right at him. "When are you going to be done?" As I talk, I move a little closer to him.
"Um...done?"
"Yeah, we're still on for tonight, right?"
"Um...what do you mean?" Dude asks, looking confused and uncomfortable. Peripherally, I notice his friends playing close attention.
"We were gonna have dinner and watch The Breakfast Club, remember?" I ask, as I stand next to him and put my hand on his shoulder. I give him one of those indulgent mother looks and turn to his friends. "He's sooooo forgetful," I say in my best fag-voice.
His two male friends give me wide eyes and look at Dude like he's a brand new species they've never seen.
"What the fuck are you talking about man?" Dude says, and his voice actually cracks.
"Don't act so silly! Dinner, movie....um, etc. - you know?" I wink at him and give his friends an embarrassed smile. At this moment I feel like I could win a fucking Academy Award and that they'll ask me to star in the Brokeback sequel.
The Dude turns to his friends and says "He's just fucking with me cuz you guys are here, he's trying to get me back," he says, but he sounds a little desperate and I can tell that his friends are on the fence.
"Don't be embarrassed to be who you are, (Dude)" I say. "You even left me a note and these CD's!" I toss the CD's in one of his friends' laps and pull out the note, which I give to the girl. She reads it and starts laughing her ass off before she reads it out loud.
The note says:
(Grimm) - Can't wait to see you later, do you think we could play some of these to set the mood? I'm not really up for watching a movie (Smiley Face)
The Dude stands up, righteous indignation all over his face.
"That's not the fucking note I gave you, asshole!"
"Hahaha - It's gotta be," the girl says. "I've gotten typed notes from you before - they look just like this." His two guy friends are once again rolling around on the floor.
"No way! He fucked with it, he changed it, I didn't write that!!!" Dude says.
"Fine, you freakin' jerk!" I say, hands on my hips. "I bet your song will change once your friends leave!" I walk back inside with a faux-angry-ghey walk. I get inside just in time to bust out in fucking tears and fall to the floor, laughing silently.
After a few moments, I get up and look at the window, seeing that Dude's little party has dispersed. I pour myself a drink and order up some Chinese food for dinner, then I head for the phone to call a friend and tell him what happened. As I'm dialing, there's a knock at the door.
I open it, to reveal Dude. Alone.
I stare at him.
He stares back.
Finally, he says "I guess I deserved that."
"Let's get something straight here, (Dude). I don't care what the fuck you do with your life, but your bullshit is starting to affect MY life. That I can't take. I owed you this today, but things are even now. If you do ONE MORE thing that affects my lifestyle in even a TINY LITTLE FUCKING WAY, I will make it my mission in life to get you thrown out of this house."
"I thought we were just fucking with each other though, having fun."
"You thought wrong. You made me laugh up to a point, but you went way too fucking far yesterday."
"I guess you didn't get laid?"
"Fucking shit, that's none of your business! You need some goddamned boundries, asshole!"
"Um...yeah. And you need to get laid."
"Fuck you, (Dude). I've said what I had to say."
"So that's it?" he asks, and I swear to god his eyes look a little hurt.
"Yes, that's it. I want you on your best behavior or I will stop at nothing to get you out of here."
"Fine." He says, and walks upstairs.
Do I expect it to last? Fuck no.
But damned if that didn't feel good.
User Reviews
Submitted by Mike-Mc (user info) at 2008-02-25 18:07:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Brilliant :*)
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2008-01-22 05:32:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
are you ABSOLUTELY sure yer not gay?
it's OK, yer faceless here.
killed my morning with all these.
thanks.
this would be good on film.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-01-03 16:43:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-08-16 17:13:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
best evar
Submitted by Dervish (user info) at 2007-07-13 09:32:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I just read every single one of these, in sequential order.
You now owe me the following:
1. A new set of pants (peed them laughing)
2. A new keyboard (spit coffee on it repeatedly)
3. A written explanation to my boss as to why I spend the first half hour of work giggling like an idiot
You will notice that I did NOT include "the half hour I spent reading your posts". That was well-spent.
Good show.
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2006-04-19 06:39:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2006-04-18 23:22:49 (#)
Ranking: 2
how is your rating 1.15? all of your posts seem to do well.
IS IT BROKEN??
____________________
I had some real shitty posts that I won't even admit to.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2006-04-18 23:22:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
how is your rating 1.15? all of your posts seem to do well.
IS IT BROKEN??
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2006-04-18 23:21:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oh come on. you can't be that mad. you only live once, buddy.
Submitted by phauna (user info) at 2006-04-18 07:49:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I knew it!
Submitted by disco_brad (user info) at 2006-04-06 11:49:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
truly awesome series
next task....post a pic of the dude
Submitted by nerdyjock (user info) at 2006-04-06 11:29:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am loving the series, Grimm! The Dude is fucking hilarious! Can't wait for the next installment.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-04-06 09:32:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well it's a good question Grimm. Frankly it wouldn't bother me. As long as it doesn't interrupt my sleep, the noise my neighbours make is none of my business. The porn noises might be a bit unpleaseant mind, I doubt I'd be cool with that.
With regards to these whole shenanigans, you got yourself involved in it. Also you badmouth him to your friends and yet you become enraged when he does the same to you. He makes friendly overtures which you hold in contempt. Also rather than simply having an adult conversation to deal with the problem you intend to be deal with the problem with aggressive subterfuge.
Now I understand and accept the fact that his first impression caused immense loathing on your part but it's clear that he initially regretted that and attempted to make ammends. Despite accepting his peace offerings, your 'post it note' escapade was something of a slap in the face. It was an malicious act rather than an effort at entertaining banter.
You get angry all the time. You write about 'getting angry' several times a week and you seem to let your anger determine your actions. This strikes me as childish.
Finally, you shave your head. People who do that are usually uptight.
This is just the impression you have created and I hope that my appraisal is proved false in the future. In any case, you shouldn't worry that that perception of mine will have any bearing on me when I read your well written posts.
Submitted by Hentrina (user info) at 2006-04-06 06:08:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love reading about The Dude! Keep the installments coming!
Submitted by pragmatic (user info) at 2006-04-05 19:21:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
How could I have missed this series before! This is hilarious, keep 'em coming.
Workmates and flatmates are both good subjects to talk about: other people are just soooo weird.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2006-04-05 18:26:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That was kind of harsh. Am I the only one remotely sympathetic to The Dude?
On the other hand, I just laughed so hard I farted and almost shit myself. It doesn't get much better than that.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-04-05 17:14:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm pretty sure that your dude is BoshDude...
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-04-05 16:57:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The Dude abides...
Submitted by NotSteve (user info) at 2006-04-05 14:57:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Be nice to (dude).
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-04-05 14:46:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by the_thorne (user info) at 2006-04-05 13:13:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
'I walk back inside with a faux-angry-ghey walk.'
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2006-04-05 12:32:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-04-05 11:25:32 (#)
Ranking: 2
I've not really bothered reading this series until now.
It's a nice work of fiction but I hope you're not as highly strung in real life as you portray yourself in this.
____________________________
I've said it before, I've said it again - other than very minor details not related to main happenings, this is a TRUE story. I can scarcely beleive it myself.
High Strung? That's a new one on me. I wonder how you'd react when the Dude starts running up and down the stairs 10 times in 5 minutes just to go stare at the front yard in wonder.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-04-05 11:35:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i bet you swing yer hips real purty like.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-04-05 11:25:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've not really bothered reading this series until now.
It's a nice work of fiction but I hope you're not as highly strung in real life as you portray yourself in this.
Submitted by evesapple (user info) at 2006-04-05 11:18:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i don't even know if my votes count more than once.
i always wondered how someone accidentally posted a less than +2
Submitted by evesapple (user info) at 2006-04-05 11:17:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
crap
Submitted by evesapple (user info) at 2006-04-05 11:17:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
dammit! i knew i'd fuck that up!!
Submitted by evesapple (user info) at 2006-04-05 11:16:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
hahahaha i love living vicariously through you.
I live in a condo on the beach, so i have assholes in and out of my building doing mulitple irritating things. i never have the balls to say anything though. I comfort myself with the fact that they have to go home to their boring little lives very soon and they saved all year to come to a dumpy little town with nothing to do.
luckily, i'm the dude upstairs! *STOMP STOMP STOMP*
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-04-05 10:36:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Grimm darlin don't put them all on one post.
Keep your hitcount up by making them click on each individual post.
Leave it the way it is or I'm emailing the dude with a link to these posts :-P
Submitted by SteveJohnson (user info) at 2006-04-05 10:29:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff as always.
Submitted by DizzyMissus (user info) at 2006-04-05 09:53:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love you!
I love the Dude!
You guys are meant to be together. Keep it coming.
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-04-05 09:44:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2006-04-05 09:36:57 (#)
Ranking: 0
Here's an Uber question -
When I publish Chapter 10, although I don't know when it would be, I would also like to repost all previous chapters in a single post to make linking to them easier - but it comes to 26 pages worth in Word - Is there a post size limit I need to worry about?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hell no. I posted a forty foot jpg once.
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2006-04-05 09:36:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Here's an Uber question -
When I publish Chapter 10, although I don't know when it would be, I would also like to repost all previous chapters in a single post to make linking to them easier - but it comes to 26 pages worth in Word - Is there a post size limit I need to worry about?
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-04-05 09:30:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The other 3000.53 cents is covered under the warranty.
I have an "Act of God or giggles" clause in my contract.
Submitted by angel_2k01 (user info) at 2006-04-05 09:28:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ha ha - best one yet!
Submitted by drky (user info) at 2006-04-05 09:27:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I just spat coffee everywhere and everyone in the office looked at me.
You complete bastard!
But that was some funny shit.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-04-05 09:24:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2006-04-05 09:04:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-04-05 09:01:49 (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed so hard I popped a tit.
You owe me $2,999.47
_______
1. Pictoral proof required.
2. What about the other .53 cents? Is that cuz the nipple stayed intact?
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-04-05 09:01:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed so hard I popped a tit.
You owe me $2,999.47
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2006-04-05 08:49:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I hope you don't actually think he's going to stop.
If he does, he's a bigger pussy than I thought.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-04-05 08:43:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
More gold from the dude.
Submitted by MichelleNJ (user info) at 2006-04-05 08:28:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha! That's great.
Keep entertaining us at the expense of your sex life!
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-04-05 08:21:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
poor old the dude