Now i feel much better (393 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: -1.41 on 10 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Inferno (View user info) at 2006-04-05 11:14:30 EDT
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make.
I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello."
I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f**in Number!" and the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe he was such a cunt. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an Asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, And put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, >I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up .
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic "asshole Calling" would have to stop.
So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from Verizon. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"
He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. Cunt. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window which included his phone number, so I wrote down the number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his Number on speed dial) I thought that I'd better call the BMW Asshole, too I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes, it is", he said.
"Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.
"Yes, I live at XX Mowbray Blvd, in Vaucluse. It's a yellow house, And the car's parked right out in front."
"What's your name?" I asked.
"My name is Don Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes?"
"Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up, and added his number To my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. Then I Came up with an idea.
I called Asshole #1. "Hello."
"You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"Asshole, I live at XX Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, a yellow house, With my black Beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better Start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up.
Then I called Asshole #2. "Hello?" he said.
"Hello, asshole," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over Right now."
NOW I feel much better.
Anger management really works.
User Reviews
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-04-05 11:41:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
It's times like these that I think back to what my grandfather used to say a lot before he died: "Gasm, he'd say," (he called me Gasm) "I believe I was born in the wrong time. Sure, I had a chance to serve my country in Korea and watch America mature into the country that it is today, but my heart was never really in tune with the times, you know? I wish I had been a caliph in India, or a Templar Knight protecting the faith in Darkest Europe. Perhaps even a coachman in the Old West, ferrying heads of state to and from the most dangerous reaches of places where the Old Law still held sway. I think of this, and it saddens me. What have I done with my time? I have bakers hands, Gasm. Does the world really need another baker?"
He'd take a slow drag off of his hand-rolled cigarette and recline. And then - and this was always the same - he'd say, "Bakers are only good for one thing: kneading dough. You have baker blood in you, mark me. Make the most of it and marry a woman with a little extra'n the side, so you can knead the night away. Your Gramma still squeals when I tickle her dough with my rolling pin. Goddamn that woman can get as wet as a fishtank sometimes. Women only get better with age, Gasm. Remember I said that."
Then he'd put his thumb in his mouth, pretend he was blowing, and cut loose an old, dusty fart ripe with a bouquet of salmon steaks, snap beans and blood.
And then he'd laugh. Oh, my stars, how he'd laugh.
Even though I knew it was coming, it'd always take me off guard. And so I'd invariably inhale some of it through my mouth and nose.
The memory of the taste of my grandfather's asshole in aerosol form is something that I will keep with me for the rest of my days.
Recognizing that this was a cut and paste job that memory back...and for that, I thank you.
Submitted by disko (user info) at 2006-04-05 11:39:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
PS Never claimed this was mine boys. My name is not Chris
Submitted by richsghostdog (user info) at 2006-04-05 11:37:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
-2 for plagerism/lack of originality..READ THIS LAST YEAR.
Submitted by disko (user info) at 2006-04-05 11:32:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
well well well
Tough culture
I thought it was worthy of a forward.
Doesnt it make you feel warm inside?
Submitted by DejaVu_Again (user info) at 2006-04-05 11:32:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Awwww, and I went and gave it a +1
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-04-05 11:27:27 (#)
Ranking: -2
http://klomdark.servebeer.com:8081/MessageBase2/ReadMessage.aspx?MsgNum=1764
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-04-05 11:29:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
e-mail forward? BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Submitted by DejaVu_Again (user info) at 2006-04-05 11:27:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I thought it was funny.
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-04-05 11:27:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
http://klomdark.servebeer.com:8081/MessageBase2/ReadMessage.aspx?MsgNum=1764
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2006-04-05 11:23:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No e-mail forwards, ever.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-04-05 11:16:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, And put it in my desk drawer.
---------
My need for juvenile revenge is the only thing that keeps me organized, really.