How I Made Peace with Daylight Savings Time (904 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.81 on 22 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jon (View user info) at 2006-04-05 11:59:26 EDT
I was recently fired from my job because I don't believe in daylight savings time.
For the past week as I searched for a job, I've been able to afford nothing but rice, spam, and peanuts. The only thing keeping me from death by scurvy is probably my 40 remaining multivitamins. I have enough "food" to last me that long, but after that, I will probably die.
At times like these you start asking yourself questions like, "what is it all about?", and "Can you ever masturbate TOO much?"
Of course we all know the answer to both of these questions is the same, it's 7.
I decided to take a walk yesterday to do some soul searching, maybe figure out exactly where I went wrong. Taking a walk to clear my head was really the only option I had at that point because I'd eaten my daily ration and the tremors were starting to kick back in.
Upon exiting the apartment complex I could hear the faint sound of an ice cream truck. The song, as always, was distorted and reminded me of a horror movie. I remembered when I was in high school this truck was a prime source for entertainment... we'd throw rocks at the truck... and the people driving it would chase us.
The faster the truck went... the faster the song got. It... was... HILARIOUS.
But as I got older, and more hungry. I started seeing the ice cream truck as a source for food, surrounded by vulnerable... "little people". Little people that could be easily punted.
I ran back inside and put on my ice cream truck hijacking gear, staying out of sight and finding a good bush to hide in.
As the ice cream truck neared, kids started to gather on the corner. There were no parents in sight and this was a perfect opportunity to get a decent meal for once.
The ice cream truck stopped and a line formed. The kids were jumping up and down with excitement. I could see one little boy who'd wet his pants. He was weak and could wait to be beaten last.
As the ice cream truck pulled away, I darted from behind my bush. I stayed silent until I was right on top of them. Then I yelled, "OOOOOGA BOOGA BOOOOGA, I'M GONNA KILL YOU!"
The kids looked up in horror to see a guy wearing only a tunic, a wig with hair past his knees, and a fake beard that went to his bellyhole. I'd dumped a half can or rotten corn in the beard as well.
When I was within 3 feets of the group. Several of them dropped their ice cream on the ground and ran... with a scream that was right on the upper echelon of the audible frequency range of human beings.
There were two in my grasp. The kid who'd wet his pants stood quiet and motionless, watching with disinterest. There was something familiar in his eye...
I grabbed the two before they could get away and took their ice cream. I shoved them both in my mouth as quickly as possible, and forced them down my throat. Grunting and moaning, standing triumphantly barefoot in the center of a pile of broken glass.
The kids stood and watched in horror and disbelief.
I was suddenly overcome with a piercing headache, and I doubled over and got on all fours. It was so intense I could barely see straight. What WAS this devil potion!!
"Caveman got BRFAIN FREEZE!" one of the kids shouted.
The two kids then proceeded, without hesitation, to kick me repeatedly in the balls. Over... and over... and over again. I was immediately pralyzed and my tunic wasn't providing much protection.
I rolled onto my back in the glass, the two calmly walked over with a big rock, and dropped it on my abdomen. I couldn't breath.
"STRANGER!" one of them shouted.
Then they all joined in, "STRANGER, STRANGER STRANGER!"
I rolled around in the glass gasping for air. The boy who'd wet his pants eyed me. He slowly produced a butterfly knife from his oshkosh overalls.
He flipped it around in an awesome display of knife control and skill. It was actually quite impressive. Out of the corner of my eye I could now see that he hadn't wet his pants, but he'd killed something and was covered in blood.
I found one remaining ounce of strength and staggered to my feet. As the three were about to lunge I heard a woman's voice in the distance, "Billy! It's 8 oclock! Get your little bitch ass in here!"
"Oh shit!" they all looked at eachother in horror. Obviously, they'd forgotten about daylight savings time...
They scurried away without so much as a "goodbye".
Then it hit me, all this had happened simply because I refused to adhere to the rules of daylight savings time. Unbelievable...
I staggered home and stared at the wall, feeling my balls throb so badly I thought they were actually moving on their own.
I wandered to my computer, still in my tunic and wig. I opened my resume and found the line all potential employers scoffed at, it was written in red at the top and bottom in 16 pt., bold, red ink.
"The rules of Daylight Savings Time do not Apply to me"
I deleted them and was driving an ice cream truck the next week.
I squished knife boy with it two days into the job.
For the next 31 days I lived in the woods off ice cream cones and multivitamins.
User Reviews
Submitted by jonukah (user info) at 2006-04-06 13:50:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
As I was reading the post, I thought: "Why don't you forget the ice-cream and eat the children."
Now I know better.
Thank you.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-04-06 13:04:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
throbbing rocket pop.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-04-06 12:48:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hehe.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-04-06 03:51:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-04-06 02:03:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't stop a-rocking.
Submitted by hooch4 (user info) at 2006-04-06 01:55:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ending could've been better but the rest was good reading
Submitted by pragmatic (user info) at 2006-04-06 00:34:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ha ha ha
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-04-05 20:46:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hardcore
Submitted by Oxymoron (user info) at 2006-04-05 19:12:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OOOOOGA BOOGA BOOOOGA
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-04-05 18:59:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-04-05 16:15:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha, corn...
Submitted by Call911 (user info) at 2006-04-05 16:03:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ice Cream
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-04-05 14:27:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The ending (last two lines) was a bit drab compared to the rest of the story, but still +2 gold material.
Submitted by evesapple (user info) at 2006-04-05 13:49:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i didn't think it was too long since i am using this site to procrastinate
love the picture! hahaha!
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-04-05 13:20:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Lesson: NEVER mess with a kid wearing OshKosh overalls.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-04-05 12:57:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-04-05 12:00:54 (#)
Ranking: 0
move to arizona ort hawaaii
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2006-04-05 12:45:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
lovely.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2006-04-05 12:36:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've been thinking about a daylight savings time post for oh, about three days now. I'm very conflicted about daylight savings time. I love it. I hate it.
LOVE, LOVE, LOVE "falling back" in the Autumn. HATE WITH A BLINDING RAGE THAT KNOWS NO MERCY AND NO QUARTER "springing ahead" in the spring.
I have no idea why Autumn is a proper noun and spring is not. Don't question me, I'm on a roll.
And another thing . . .
Has anyone else noticed that "cross training" is dead?
It's true. I dare you. Go out there and try to find a good "cross training" shoe these days. They just don't make them.
When the hell did THAT happen?
Anyone?
Just me?
Well fuck you Charlie!
-The End
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-04-05 12:33:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was great. Maybe a tad long for the premise, but enjoyable non the less.
Submitted by Fartman (user info) at 2006-04-05 12:14:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2006-04-05 12:03:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bored@motherfuckingwork
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-04-05 12:00:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
move to arizona ort hawaaii