Mayfield! (III) (808 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: Mayfield!
Rating: 2 on 23 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jack McCallum (View user info) at 2006-04-05 18:01:13 EDT
Mayfield (I) http://www.ubersite.com/m/85620
Mayfield (II) http://www.ubersite.com/m/86003
---9 The Beaver Seeks Advice---
The Beaver had spent most of the previous night thinking about pussy.
As they were brushing their teeth the next morning Theodore had glanced at his big brother and said, "Wally, do you know anything about the private parts of girls?"
"Uh... yeah," Wally had replied. "Some. I guess. What's up, Beav?"
The Beaver shrugged. "You know how I was using those X-Ray Specs to look at boobs?"
"Yeah, sure." Wally tried not to laugh. Why was the kid still playacting the whole I can see through clothes thing?
"Well..." Beaver looked at his feet and said, "I looked at this one girl who was at the newsstand. I walked all around her and saw everything. She had nice boobs. And her rear end was nice and round. But then I saw her... stuff. You know. Between her legs. Except there wasn't any stuff there."
The Beaver cocked his head and said, "Is that normal?"
"Uh, jeez, Beav," Wally said. "Dad should be giving you this talk, not me. He explains all the birds and bees stuff real good. See, he takes his nine millimeter automatic from the war, and as he loads a round into the firing chamber he shows how—"
"Come on, Wally. It was... kind of creepy."
Wally looked at his kid brother with real affection, and concern. The Beaver might be a goof and a pain, but he was a good kid, and if he grew up scared of pussy and turned into some kind of lousy pansy dad would give both of them the business.
"Look, Beav, let me just say this. Ummm..." Wally scratched his head and thought a moment. "You know how at the fair they have some scary rides like the haunted house and the spooky swamp and stuff?"
"Sure," the Beaver replied with an eager nod. "I like that swamp one. The alligators looked really real"
"I like that one too," Wally said. "Anyhow, you know how they have all the lights and creepy paintings and stuff outside the ride?"
"Like skeletons and monsters?"
"Yeah, like that. Anyhow, that's what a guy is like. All his fun stuff is on the outside. Now, when you go on those rides, you know what it's like inside?"
"Well," the Beaver said. "It was dark. And kinda wet. It smelled weird. But boy, was it fun!"
Wally patted his brother on the shoulder and said, "Beav, that is exactly what girls are like. All their fun stuff is on the inside. It's dark, and kinda wet, and it can smell funny sometimes, but believe me little brother, it's the absolute best ride you'll ever take."
"So, pussy isn't scary?"
"Naw," Wally said. "It's like meeting your best friend for the first time. Sure, it's a little strange at first, but once you get to know it you never want to be away from it. Trust me, Beav. You'll see."
Theodore smiled and said, "You know Wally, you sure do a good job being a big brother."
"Shucks, Beav," Wally said, tousling his brother's hair. "You make the job easier for me."
---10 Ward Tries to Set Things Right for a Filthy Pansy---
Ward was on his way to meet his contact and get the plain brown envelope containing all the details of his next assignment when he was propositioned by a sodomite.
He had gone to the park to meet his contact, keeping his eyes peeled for a man holding a red transistor radio and a copy of the sports page of the local paper.
The day was a wowser, sunny, warm, birds chirping away in the trees, an old man walking his dog, a lovely young woman pushing a baby carriage. Ward gave a 'how-do' to the old man, scratched the dog behind the ear, and tipped his hat to the young woman, and all was fine with the world.
Until someone in the bushes whispered, "Hey mister, want a throat job?"
In less than three seconds Ward had spun and drawn his automatic, leaped into the bushes, knocked down the filthy pervert, and stuck the barrel of the weapon into his diseased mouth.
"Why don't you suck on this, you disgusting fairy," Ward said, in the heavy shade of a pine tree. "Whether you are directly struck down by the Almighty Hand of God or by me acting as His rod and staff and striking down sinners at His command makes little difference in the end... unless you have the wisdom to seek redemption and beg forgiveness."
Ward drew back the gun and the creeping homosexual sputtered. "Up yours, you righteous fuck. You think your straight-laced right-wing Conservative way is gonna last forever? Think again. My kind is everywhere, and with every dick I suck and ass I plow we are spreading across this majestic land like a virus, and one day—"
Unable to bear hearing any more, Ward gathered a handful of loose pine needles and stuffed them into the man's gaping mouth, whispering, "How's this for a throat job?"
Ward rolled the man over and pulled down the deviant's pants, thinking that if he moved quickly he could still make his meeting.
It would be hours before anyone discovered a man lying half-hidden by shade and brush and dying from a perforated bowel, and hours after that before doctors would surgically remove seven large pinecones from the man's alimentary canal.
---11 Captain Death---
Theodore was half way to school, and walking alone since Wally had run on ahead saying there was 'someone he wanted to meet' when a voice from behind made him stop.
"Hey, Beaver, wanna chew on some wood?"
The Beaver turned and saw Mitch Rogers swinging a baseball bat. He dropped to his knees as the bat whistled over his head.
"Hey, that could have hurt!"
"That's the idea, you little puke."
Beaver had heard that Mitch was crazy. He'd beat up a lot of kids, and even broke one kid's jaw. There was a rumor that he had just gotten out of some sort of reform school. He seemed to really enjoy picking on little kids like the Beev.
Mitch raised the bat overhead and brought it down hard. The Beaver rolled out of the way just in time. The bat hit the sidewalk and little splinters exploded from it and hit Beaver in the face.
"Oh, jeez," the Beaver said, ""don't make me use this."
He reached into his pocket and took out the other thing his new friend Duane had given to him, along with the X-Ray Specs. It was a small gun made of shiny metal.
Mitch drew back the bat, raising it over one shoulder. "I'm gonna knock your head right across the street."
The Beaver pulled the trigger on the little gun. There was a high-pitched sound like a dog whistle being blown, just like when he had tested the thing on his model airplanes last night.
Mitch paused, and his skin suddenly seemed to be covered in a million little cracks like would you see in a mud field during the heat of summer. Mitch looked scared, and he looked like he was in terrible pain, but before he could scream, he was gone.
The baseball bat clattered to the sidewalk, disturbing a fall of fine white powder.
The Beaver tucked the Disintegrator Ray back into his pocket and went on his way.
---12 Wally Gets a Boner---
The first class after lunch was a killer. Wally always wanted to have a nap, especially in really boring classes like American history.
He thought of how he had helped out his worried little brother this morning. It was funny, the ideas kids got into their heads. Though Wally had laughed off his little brother's apprehension he now found himself thinking the same thoughts.
He was thinking of Clara, and how she had smiled when she had seen him walking into school this morning, and how he had gotten an instant boner that felt like it was made of stone or something. He had found himself wondering what she would look like naked, what all of her would look like naked, when he realized he had better excuse himself and cool off.
Hours later Wally was dozing and daydreaming of Clara when Mr. Blumstein saw an outrageous and inappropriate bulge in the young man's trousers.
"Mr. Cleaver?" he asked, hoping to hustle Wally out into the hall before the other kids noticed.
Sniggers from the girls and muffled guffaws from the boys told him it was already too late.
Seated behind Wally, Lumpy chortled and pointed. A few of the guys seated near him gaped and laughed out loud.
"Mr. Cleaver," Mr. Blumstein said again. The boy smiled in his sleep, one hand cupping something unseen. Blumstein drew a breath and bellowed, "WALLY!"
Wally sat up straight and cried, "Black pussy!"
He room erupted with laugher, Wally ran out of the room in shame, and no one noticed Lumpy and a few other boys sharing dark glances of disapproval.
---13 June Showers---
After enjoying a light lunch and then dusting all the furniture downstairs, June was surprised to find herself enjoying the quiet, as she had the house to herself. Ward was off on business, meeting with his boss, and the boys were at school.
June went upstairs to the boys' room and began dusting there, and she covered her mouth and released a dainty little cough when she raised a white cloud.
"Oh my goodness," she said.
She was very meticulous about dusting, and never let dust build up, so she was amazed to see little layers of fine powder on top of a dresser where the Beaver had a few model airplanes on display just the day before. When she was done she brushed at her blouse and realized that the dusting her clothes had received was simply unacceptable.
She looked at the clock and concluded she had plenty of time to make herself presentable before all of her 'menfolk' came through the door at the end of the day.
June stepped into the spacious master bathroom and opened both windows just a little. The leaves of the big tree outside the big window rustled softly, a sound she always found soothing, and a ray of warm sunshine came through the small window over the bathtub on the other side of the room, making the marble and shower curtain glow. She kicked off her shoes, pulled a pink and frilly shower cap over her hair, and as she began to unzip her dress she giggled. A delicious breeze was caressing her skin as she undressed, and it felt like she was being tickled. She reached back and undid the hooks on her Maidenform brassiere, freeing herself from black lace and underwire.
"That's better," June said, looking at her reflection in the mirror and wondering for the thousandth time if her perfect jutting breasts would ever begin to sag, feeling grateful that they still did such an admirable job of defying gravity.
She bent and turned on the shower and then stepped into the tub, pulling the shower curtain along the rail. With the bright ray of sunshine behind her she was a stark silhouette against the white curtain as she stepped under the steaming spray.
As she soaped up her face and neck and shoulders and washed off the dust, she said, "Hello, boobies."
As she soaped up her chest and belly and hips she said, "Hello, kitty," and a moment later, "Oh yes... now that's what I call cleaning house!"
---14 Eddie Loses a Testicle---
Eddie was in the tree outside Mrs. Cleaver's bathroom, thrilled as heck that he'd ditched another dreary day with the books to spy on this incredible sexpot and thinking he was way too cool for school when a branch he was holding onto snapped loudly.
He'd climbed into the tree hoping to just see her just pass by the bedroom window, and his heart started rocking and rolling in his chest when he saw her step into the bathroom almost close enough to touch and start undressing.
Without being aware of struggling with his clothes he was suddenly pulling on his pecker, his pants down around his knees.
"Oh Junie-Junie-Junie," he moaned, as she bent over and turned on the shower.
Eddie had his feet planted on a thick limb and his free hand on a slender branch just above his head. The branch snapped when Mrs. Cleaver pulled the shower curtain shut.
The rattle of the curtain rings masked the sounds from outside the window. The snap, the uncertain grunt, the muffled slap as Eddie lost his footing and landed on the limb below, setting down on his butt and not his swinging sack, thankfully.
Eddie steadied himself and tried to climb to his feet, his pants around his ankles. He heard Mrs. Cleaver say, 'Hello boobies' and nearly blew his load, kicking his pants and under shorts off and climbing to his feet as his clothes drifted to the ground.
He looked in the window and was even more charged up, by Mrs. Cleaver's silhouette behind the curtain, and by what she appeared to be doing to herself.
"Hot damn, Sam," Eddie said softly. He had to see more. He HAD to. He knew there was a drainpipe that ran from the roof gutter to the ground right near that window. Convincing himself that it would support him, Eddie climbed higher into the tree and jumped onto the roof.
He trotted up and over the roof and began lowering himself over the edge, hanging onto the metal gutter.
On the other side of the block, Mrs. Edmonds was out in her back yard watering her plants. She looked up and gasped and ran for the phone. When she was put through to the Mayfield Police Department she described what she had witnessed.
The officer who had taken the call asked with disbelief, "You think you saw a half-naked man leaping rooftops?"
"I saw his flailing doins," Mrs. Edmonds replied, expressing a curious mixture of pride and disgust.
Meanwhile, Eddie was inching along the length of the gutter, and just as he peered into the small bathroom and squinted into the billowing steam and gasped when he saw the most spectacular thing ever and his deflated genitals once again became engorged, he felt himself pulled in two directions.
"What the—" Eddie looked down, and over.
There was a wire running up the length of the wall. It went over the gutter and onto the roof. It was attached to the Cleaver's TV antenna. The wire also ran down, and over, and into the living room window not far away.
The wire was held down by U shaped tacks. One of the U shaped tacks was missing, leaving a loop in the metal strand.
One of Eddie's testicles had somehow slipped through that loop, and was now held fast.
As Eddie started swinging his body back and forth to free his trapped ball and tried to decide if he could free up a hand to slap his short arm around, June looked up, looking him right in the eye, her mouth opening in ecstasy.
Eddie felt himself spontaneously spurting and thought, 'Look ma, no hands!' when the gutter ripped away from the roof and he dropped bare-assed into Mrs. Carver's rose-bushes.
When June heard the noise from outside she covered herself with her hands and risked a peek outside.
Under the twisted ruin of a length of gutter a naked and bloody leg protruded from her rose bushes. A policeman walked up and said, "Okay bud, what's your story?"
Something caught June's eye and she looked to one side.
A small, pinkish oval appeared to be clinging to the wall.
"How odd," June said.
---TBC---
User Reviews
Submitted by lostnphound (user info) at 2008-02-06 16:24:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2006-04-10 14:43:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
now i'm going to have to go home and bang my wife in the shower.
Submitted by Dane1901 (user info) at 2006-04-06 13:50:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
These are great.
Submitted by nrduncan (user info) at 2006-04-06 13:22:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-04-06 08:52:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Golly, you're a swell writer.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-04-06 08:06:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
How odd indeed.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-04-05 23:17:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
what I mean is enough of me chuckling over the fact that your spelling is almost as bad as mine.
Not that there is enough of this series, because there isn't enough of it.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-04-05 23:16:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Swinging doins"
heheheh
Ok, enough. Well written.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-04-05 22:43:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-04-05 19:33:49 (#)
Ranking: 2
They should remake the show with you as the writer...
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I'd watch that. Oh yeah I would.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-04-05 21:59:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Serious_Melvin (user info) at 2006-04-05 21:27:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Nat_Nemcova (user info) at 2006-04-05 20:39:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hilarious!
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-04-05 20:34:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oh shit it is good.
you have an interesting grasp of words.
Submitted by Cyrus (user info) at 2006-04-05 19:47:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I googled: robkin national lampoon - the top link is: http://www.marksverylarge.com/issues/7302.html
So much perverted goodness in one place, you just can't get stuff like that anymore. Which is why I appreciate this series.
Submitted by Cyrus (user info) at 2006-04-05 19:43:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah, those were the days. Chris Miller, John Hughes, Doug Kenny, O'rourke... those guys wrote some great stuff. Yeah, Robkin and his friends, Nozzlin High School? the girls shower one was part of series about those guys. I was also a big O.C. and Stiggs fan.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-04-05 19:33:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
They should remake the show with you as the writer...
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2006-04-05 19:18:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Beautiful, just beautiful.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-04-05 19:16:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Cyrus (user info) at 2006-04-05 19:08:10 (#)
Ranking: 2
So much awesomeness here, I don't know where to begin. Back in the 70's and early 80's I was a faithful fan of National Lampoon. This reminds me of those days.
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Dude... Nat Lamp's 'Invisible Robkin* in thej Girl's Shower Room' was the BEST short story ever.
*Uh... was that his name?
Submitted by Cyrus (user info) at 2006-04-05 19:08:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So much awesomeness here, I don't know where to begin. Back in the 70's and early 80's I was a faithful fan of National Lampoon. This reminds me of those days.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-04-05 18:19:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha, niiice... yeah, this was good...
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-04-05 18:08:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
btw... I was outside having a smoke and proof-reading this.
I noticed that an old guy sitting on a bench could see the chapter titles, including Wally Gets a Boner. I started laughing and as I walked away the old guy looked really pissed off.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-04-05 18:06:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i agree... now i'm going to go back and read the rest...
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-04-05 18:04:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I doubt I will ever craft a finer opening sentence than the one that gets this installment going.