My Eleanor (854 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.76 on 26 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by LittleMonster (View user info) at 2006-04-06 05:41:47 EDT
Three months and two days ago, my wife Eleanor was killed by a drunk driver. She was driving home with our son Oliver from my mothers. Oliver survived with cuts and bruises, my Eleanor, Oliver's mum, was killed instantly.
My Eleanor. Sometimes it hurts to breath. I miss her.
I miss waking up next to her. Now when I wake up, I cling to the few nano-seconds where she still lives, before I open my eyes and remember she's gone. I cry into her pillow, holding it tight over my face so my son won't hear me, loathing myself for not being stronger, for not waking up and smiling at the good times we had and the thousands of happy memories I will forever carry with me. For not sharing those memories with my son.
My Son. Oliver. I'm letting him down, I know I am. I want to be there for him, be a good father, he needs me and I am getting better, but there are still the odd days when I can't bare to look at him. He has her eyes, her smile and her beautiful golden hair. I look at him and I only see her. Sometimes I hold him, and I can smell her on him, it took me a while to realize I had been washing his hair with the same shampoo she used. Chamomile. He plays her records and dances alone in the kitchen, where she used to waltz him round on a Sunday morning.
Bacon and Eggs, that's what I cooked for breakfast that last Sunday. I washed up and Ellie danced to Frank Sinatra, Fly me to the moon, with Oliver stood on her feet. God, it was perfect. In her faded blue jeans and my crinkly old white shirt, she was perfect. My Ellie.
I don't know how to live without her, and I would trade the rest of my life for one of the days when I wasn't sure I could live with her. It's the little things that get me, like her favorite coffee cup and her toothbrush in the bathroom cabinet. When Oliver wakes up from a nightmare and calls out for his mummy and there's nothing I can do to comfort him, because he wants her and he looks at me so accusingly, like I'm hiding her from him. The book she used to read to me from that lies open on the last poem she read to me (Rudyard Kippling - "IF"). The little notes she used to leave everywhere for me to find, that made my heart sing. I used to find them in my sock draw, my golf bag, my jacket pockets, and still I am finding them. I miss the way she used to watch me sleep at night, well, she thought I was asleep, but I just pretended so I could soak up the wonderful attention and feeling of being under her scrutiny.
We both used to smoke, but both quit when she became pregnant with Oliver. After he was born, we allowed ourselves one cigarette a week between us. We used to hide at the bottom of the garden like guilty teenagers, indulging in our little secret. I told her all my secrets. I like to think she told me all of hers. I wish she had told me the secret to making Oliver's sandwiches the way he likes them. I always cut them wrong or there's too much butter or not enough jam.
I will love her forever, and I know I will miss her forever, every Sunday morning and every night without her. Everyone of Oliver's birthdays, every anniversary. I'm not sure if I believe in God, or heaven and hell, but I do believe in the love we had and my son and that is worth living for and living everyday the best I can.
I'm going to try do better now, I'm going to try harder, because everyday a little bit more of my heart brakes and every day, my son, in his innocent and unconditional love does his very best to re-build it.
I will do better Ellie, for you and for Oliver and for the love we have.
User Reviews
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2006-04-06 22:16:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Was this fiction?
Submitted by fried-green-potatoes (user info) at 2006-04-06 20:26:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2006-04-06 19:43:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by cuberat (user info) at 2006-04-06 17:28:07 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-04-06 06:51:55 (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice.
Stick around, and keep it up.
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Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-04-06 06:07:13 (#)
Ranking: 2
No Fitting Comment.
-Dave
Submitted by cuberat (user info) at 2006-04-06 17:28:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-04-06 06:51:55 (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice.
Stick around, and keep it up.
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Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-04-06 06:07:13 (#)
Ranking: 2
No Fitting Comment.
-Dave
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2006-04-06 17:01:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-04-06 16:26:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by captaincrunch00 (user info) at 2006-04-06 16:16:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by street-pirate (user info) at 2006-04-06 13:21:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
breaks...
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2006-04-06 13:21:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy fuck I'm going to cry.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-04-06 12:35:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2006-04-06 12:34:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-04-06 06:07:13 (#)
Ranking: 2
No Fitting Comment.
-Dave
Submitted by BrownEyedGirrl (user info) at 2006-04-06 12:27:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Wow...
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-04-06 12:08:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ooQueso (user info) at 2006-04-06 12:00:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*sniff*
Submitted by DizzyMissus (user info) at 2006-04-06 10:02:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I feel for you
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-04-06 09:48:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DejaVu_Again (user info) at 2006-04-06 09:38:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2006-04-06 09:31:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MichelleNJ (user info) at 2006-04-06 08:58:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-04-06 08:21:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I really need bacon and eggs now.
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2006-04-06 07:42:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-04-06 06:51:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice.
Stick around, and keep it up.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-04-06 06:07:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Fitting Comment.
-Dave
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-04-06 05:55:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good work.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-04-06 05:52:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was a fair old tug on the heart strings.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-04-06 05:50:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment