I don’t salute you office-open-door-pissing-man (1492 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dumb JobsRating: 1.36 on 54 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Sofie F (View user info) at 2006-04-06 10:16:34 EDT
My office occupies what is now the third floor of a former warehouse.
You know that loft style, this office stereotypes it in everyway. The red brick walls, the wooden floors, the floor to ceiling aluminum windows and glass offices for those lucky enough to receive one (pouts). I'm not complaining, it's one of the nicest places I've ever worked in.
Five years ago I worked for a company that ran itself out of a basement with no heating. Think of the poor guy in Office Space, except they didn't make me chase rats with one of my shoes trying to impale them onto the heels.
Yeah, so I'm really not complaining.
The layout of my department in the office is a bit hard for me to describe...
(As I type this, he's just done it again)
...suffice to say in the furthest corner from my desk, is a little alley, probably one and a half meters deep. In the one side of this alley is a door, that when opened blocks anyone from entering this short passage.
This door leads to the only unisex bathroom on our floor - if you can call it a bathroom.
It's basically a toilet that the renovators decided to shove in a broom cupboard.
No one really uses it - there's a much nicer bathrooms at reception. Also the door doesn't lock. I also have some bizarre phobia against having people watch me when I walk into a bathroom.
Like they're all about to whip out their stopwatches and going to start timing me.
Then there's the new guy.
I think he's in his late thirties.
He's been here for just under a year.
This "bathroom" is his personal domain, seeing as he's the only on that ever goes in there. That toilet seat has probably seen more of his ass crack than sunlight.
Let's call this new guy "Rudy".
Rudy has this habit...
And please some male explain to me if this is normal, some alpha-male thing that perhaps I just wouldn't understand.
...of going into his personal space, opening the door so that it blocks the passage, and then doing whatever he needs to do.
Technically Rudy is going to the toilet with the door open. Is my description of this scene making sense?
Does this sound right to anyone?
I'll tell you what it sounds like to my other four male, three female and one lesbian coworkers... because I'm sitting the furthest away from ground zero and I can still hear every splish, every splash, ever plonk, EVERYTHING!
Heaven forbid one day Rudy decides to start masturbating in there during office hours.
User Reviews
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-04-14 08:13:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 filename.
http://www.getyourfix.com.au/pearl_jam_epk.html
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-04-12 11:10:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've lost your email. I'm uberc1ndy.at.gmail.com.
Submitted by ih8u2man (user info) at 2006-04-08 03:16:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/84664
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2006-04-07 12:24:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You were much more entertaining as MJ
I'm going to shamone somewhere else
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2006-04-07 04:28:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2006-04-07 00:07:14 (#)
Ranking: 0
IM a little confused with the whole michael jackson/sofi f thing. Does MJ have a baginer?
Did i miss a memo?
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Memo: http://www.ubersite.com/m/84661
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2006-04-07 00:07:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
IM a little confused with the whole michael jackson/sofi f thing. Does MJ have a baginer?
Did i miss a memo?
Submitted by EntityErased (user info) at 2006-04-06 17:46:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love pissing with the door open. Not in public, of course.
It's like pissing outside.
There's an unexplainable freedom to it.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2006-04-06 17:29:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
In a former life I was a hooker.
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-04-06 16:08:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-06 11:33:40 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2006-04-06 11:28:12 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-06 11:22:50 (#)
Ranking: 2
I think in pissing with the door open he is showing he is ready to commit to a relationship with you MJ. Like the appealing young woman with pouty lower lips, you should feel flattered.
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Good thing you're telling me that... I NEVER KNEW HOW HE FELT ABOUT ME!
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You'll know it's for real when he presses his still wet at the end willy tip against your neck. Until then, he thinks you're teasing him.
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Yes, it's an old South African mating ritual. When he starts writing your name on the door with urine, that means he's proposing. It's customary for you to do the same if you accept.
I'm sure Phuzzygish and any other South Africans here(are there any others?) will verify this.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-04-06 15:28:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sofie, just shut off the water supply valve with a few quick turns. That way, next time he flushes, the bowl won't refill, and assuming he's as retarded as he sounds, he'll never use the toilet again for lack of water. Problem solved.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-04-06 14:46:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-04-06 12:51:02 (#)
Ranking: 2
filename
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-04-06 14:22:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
filename
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-04-06 12:51:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
filename
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2006-04-06 12:45:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-04-06 12:37:20 (#)
Ranking: 2
My recommendation is to fire off an air horn when he's in there, accidentally of course.
Tell me, do you ever break into Flashdance when you're at work? I'm pretty sure that the chick in that movie lived in an old warehouse. (spells the word warehouse very carefully).
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I don't dance. Leave my 80's style hair out of this. Ha, I also had to check the spelling of warehouse...
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-04-06 12:37:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My recommendation is to fire off an air horn when he's in there, accidentally of course.
Tell me, do you ever break into Flashdance when you're at work? I'm pretty sure that the chick in that movie lived in an old warehouse. (spells the word warehouse very carefully).
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-04-06 12:08:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Tell him he's being rank.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-04-06 11:47:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The replies on the post have scarred me.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-06 11:33:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2006-04-06 11:28:12 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-06 11:22:50 (#)
Ranking: 2
I think in pissing with the door open he is showing he is ready to commit to a relationship with you MJ. Like the appealing young woman with pouty lower lips, you should feel flattered.
-----------
Good thing you're telling me that... I NEVER KNEW HOW HE FELT ABOUT ME!
---
You'll know it's for real when he presses his still wet at the end willy tip against your neck. Until then, he thinks you're teasing him.
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2006-04-06 11:28:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-06 11:22:50 (#)
Ranking: 2
I think in pissing with the door open he is showing he is ready to commit to a relationship with you MJ. Like the appealing young woman with pouty lower lips, you should feel flattered.
-----------
Good thing you're telling me that... I NEVER KNEW HOW HE FELT ABOUT ME!
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2006-04-06 11:27:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Just get some one to take a very vocal, banging shit with the door open. He'll stop pretty damn quick.
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2006-04-06 11:27:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Stop trying to tell the story like Hugh Grant delivers an "I Love you" monologue (full of pauses and stutters and "that is to say's") and just tell the goddamned story.
Goddamned whippersnappers.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-06 11:22:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think in pissing with the door open he is showing he is ready to commit to a relationship with you MJ. Like the appealing young woman with pouty lower lips, you should feel flattered.
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2006-04-06 11:22:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This bathroom consists of one toilet, so the door and the cubicle door are the same thing.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-04-06 11:21:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
actually one of you might be able to get the other for sexual harassment. him for offensive behavior, if you can see anything then it might count as indecent exposure because of where he is. and you for watching/listening.
saran wrap the toilet seat.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-04-06 11:19:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2006-04-06 11:18:34 (#)
Ranking: 0
Your descptions of the work space are fucking horrible.
Men piss with the door open.
Stop fucking whining.
--------------------------
Are we talking a cubicle door MJ?
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-04-06 11:18:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
He started it..
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2006-04-06 11:18:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Your descptions of the work space are fucking horrible.
Men piss with the door open.
Stop fucking whining.
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2006-04-06 11:14:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You two have gone off topic.
How you got from a guy pissing and crapping with the door open to your love lifes it beyond me.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-06 11:11:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Berty
What is affection?
Do you mean companionship? You can have that with men or women.
Do you mean to be found appealing and attractive? Again, that could be from a man or a woman, even if you do not reciprocate?
What is it that is so attractive?
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-04-06 11:07:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes but I still regard a womans affection, even a woman I do not find attractive, as precious.
'Cause it's rare for crips to get luvvin like.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-06 11:03:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sadly, it's much more likely to be Sally the bag lady pressing her feta cheese filled fun pouch against you while she croons 'hello dearie' in your ear. Watch out, she has a tranquiliser gun!
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-04-06 11:01:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bugger that. My standards have a price just like everyone else.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-06 11:00:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-06 06:33:31 (#)
Ranking: 2
Davros likes you.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-06 10:59:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah Berty. Surely you must apply one rule to all. If a thoroughly ravishing young lady gently pressed herself against the back of your neck, leaving a warm, yet damp impression, and you turned to find her smiling at you, a mischevious grin on her face, you must treat her the same and turn down her advances with a stiff 'Please don't do that again.' Only then would she respect you.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-04-06 10:56:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's horrible.
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And yet it's ok if a woman leaves a snail trail on your neck?
-0----------
If a man put his dick on my shoulder I would take immediate offense. If a woman pressed her camel toe into me then I would be flattered, although probably freaked out and/or disgusted/turned on (pending on the perpetrator). I would either say "please do not do that again" or I would immediatly become prey to my plethora of insecurities and anxietys, thus delivering a perfomance that would put Hugh Grant to shame.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-06 10:50:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-04-06 10:48:10 (#)
Ranking: 1
Don't even go there! I've worked with one of those before, this man in his fifties that dressed like a woman (is there a difference between transexual and crossdresser?) and he/she/it insisted on using the woman's bathrooms.
I'm glad I don't work there anymore.
He/She/It used to go and stand behind the men in the office while they worked and point at stuff on their screens while rubbing his/her/its crotch on the back of their necks.
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That's horrible.
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And yet it's ok if a woman leaves a snail trail on your neck?
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-04-06 10:48:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Don't even go there! I've worked with one of those before, this man in his fifties that dressed like a woman (is there a difference between transexual and crossdresser?) and he/she/it insisted on using the woman's bathrooms.
I'm glad I don't work there anymore.
He/She/It used to go and stand behind the men in the office while they worked and point at stuff on their screens while rubbing his/her/its crotch on the back of their necks.
--------------
That's horrible.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-06 10:46:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Women do that too. Frottage.
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2006-04-06 10:43:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-06 10:43:00 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2006-04-06 10:41:37 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-06 10:37:21 (#)
Ranking: 2
Maybe it's a transexual. And in order to reinforce the 'I'm a man honestly' impression, he/she has a tape recording of a man having a piss, and he/she is playing it at regular intervals. Later on they piss sitting down, like all women, shamed of their inability to pee standing up
http://www.ubersite.com/m/86236
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Don't even go there! I've worked with one of those before, this man in his fifties that dressed like a woman (is there a difference between transexual and crossdresser?) and he/she/it insisted on using the woman's bathrooms.
I'm glad I don't work there anymore.
He/She/It used to go and stand behind the men in the office while they worked and point at stuff on their screens while rubbing his/her/its crotch on the back of their necks.
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HOT!
---
NO!
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-06 10:43:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Transexuals take hormones and get doctors to chop their jub jub off and give them breasticles.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-06 10:43:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2006-04-06 10:41:37 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-06 10:37:21 (#)
Ranking: 2
Maybe it's a transexual. And in order to reinforce the 'I'm a man honestly' impression, he/she has a tape recording of a man having a piss, and he/she is playing it at regular intervals. Later on they piss sitting down, like all women, shamed of their inability to pee standing up
http://www.ubersite.com/m/86236
---------------
Don't even go there! I've worked with one of those before, this man in his fifties that dressed like a woman (is there a difference between transexual and crossdresser?) and he/she/it insisted on using the woman's bathrooms.
I'm glad I don't work there anymore.
He/She/It used to go and stand behind the men in the office while they worked and point at stuff on their screens while rubbing his/her/its crotch on the back of their necks.
---
HOT!
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-04-06 10:42:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2006-04-06 10:29:19 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-04-06 10:25:10 (#)
Ranking: 0
Does he make those gross farty noises? Can you hear him straining?
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Yup...
I'm not going to explain to a man of almost 40 what his mother should have taught him when he was a child.
I think the next time I'm working alone late, I'm going to go in there and break the seat or the flush mechanism or something, so that he's forced to use the other bathrooms.
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Oh Jesus. Why don't you just write him a note you coward. Don't run away from your problems. Deal with them in a proper fashion.
(forgot to rate previously, sorry)
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2006-04-06 10:41:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-06 10:37:21 (#)
Ranking: 2
Maybe it's a transexual. And in order to reinforce the 'I'm a man honestly' impression, he/she has a tape recording of a man having a piss, and he/she is playing it at regular intervals. Later on they piss sitting down, like all women, shamed of their inability to pee standing up
http://www.ubersite.com/m/86236
---------------
Don't even go there! I've worked with one of those before, this man in his fifties that dressed like a woman (is there a difference between transexual and crossdresser?) and he/she/it insisted on using the woman's bathrooms.
I'm glad I don't work there anymore.
He/She/It used to go and stand behind the men in the office while they worked and point at stuff on their screens while rubbing his/her/its crotch on the back of their necks.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-06 10:37:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Maybe it's a transexual. And in order to reinforce the 'I'm a man honestly' impression, he/she has a tape recording of a man having a piss, and he/she is playing it at regular intervals. Later on they piss sitting down, like all women, shamed of their inability to pee standing up
http://www.ubersite.com/m/86236
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2006-04-06 10:34:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-04-06 10:30:30 (#)
Ranking: 2
Maybe he's clausterphobic (yes I know that's spelled horribly, or maybe not) so he leaves the door open to give himself a little extra leg room. is he a tall fella? maybe he NEEDS the extra leg room.
Maybe he's an exhibitionist and likes to show off.
these are all medical conditions that require compassion not scorn.
-------------------
He's average height.
And you can't see anything (Thankfully), only hear it.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-06 10:34:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Next time he's in there, sneak up behind him and push him over so he pisses everywhere (taking care to make sure he doesn't piss on you). He'll close the door next time, and probably put a chair under the handle too.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-04-06 10:30:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Maybe he's clausterphobic (yes I know that's spelled horribly, or maybe not) so he leaves the door open to give himself a little extra leg room. is he a tall fella? maybe he NEEDS the extra leg room.
Maybe he's an exhibitionist and likes to show off.
these are all medical conditions that require compassion not scorn.
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2006-04-06 10:29:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-04-06 10:25:10 (#)
Ranking: 0
Does he make those gross farty noises? Can you hear him straining?
----------------
Yup...
I'm not going to explain to a man of almost 40 what his mother should have taught him when he was a child.
I think the next time I'm working alone late, I'm going to go in there and break the seat or the flush mechanism or something, so that he's forced to use the other bathrooms.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-04-06 10:25:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Does he make those gross farty noises? Can you hear him straining?
Regardless, just have a chat with him. Do not be confrontational, do not be derisive, you may be patronising and, for the love of God, do not involve management.
Be meek. Be embarrassed. Say "um... Wossname, I want to needed to say that erm... that is to mention that er, when you, er, when you go to the bathroom I er... can hear you. And er... it kind of smells as well. Would you, er... be able to keep the door shut please?"
Sort of thing.
And no, it is not normal or acceptable to do that in a public environment.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-06 10:25:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Perhaps it's the sound of his willy in the water? And he's just proud of his length?
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-04-06 10:25:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Gotta love working inside warehouse offices. +2 sympathy since I'm sitting inside of an office built inside of a warehouse right now.
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-04-06 10:21:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've got to be honest, the post didn't do much for me, but the filename was fantastic
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2006-04-06 10:21:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
i dont really have anything to say here. the title wasnt very good, the story was alright. the standard reply is to murder him, but im going to go to class and defer the jokemaking to somebody else.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-04-06 10:20:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is +2 worthy anyway, but the filename should earn you a multitude of +2's alone.
-Dave