Where there's fire there's people Fucking (1902 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.87 on 49 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Saxon (View user info) at 2006-04-06 22:36:36 EDT
Family parties and shindigs were to be avoided at all costs when I was in my early teens. My father would butcher a cow or pig and some chickens and cremate the flesh of dead animals on a home made wood burning cooker while highly intoxicated on home brewed beer. He obtained a steel plate that was about 3 by 4 foot and was at least half an inch thick. It was so thick he had to build a huge bonfire to get the dam thing hot enough to cook on, but once it reached that temperature, you could cook on it for the next few days because it held its heat for ages.
Living on a farm in the bush every neighbour attended every party anybody had and these people knew how to let their hair down, or at least, these people knew how to get sozzled on alcohol and sit around talking bullshit. I could always tell how their intoxication was going as the jokes got cruder and the adults laughter changed from a happy "ha ha" to a sinister "he he" as inhibitions faded with alcohol consumption.
The food was plentiful as all the wives would bring huge bowls of salads and finger foods and my father made sure he had enough meat cooking to feed a third world country. Parties like this moved through stages, which were governed by the consumption of alcohol of course. After the pleasantries of arrivals and the friendly chat of re acquaintance it was time to eat. It was after eating that the real task of partying begun.
Jokes and innuendo would start and the music would get louder (I hate country and western music to this day). Dancing would ensue and before the night ended there would be an occasional fight, someone would have fallen into a fire and the men would dare each other to ride one of my fathers bulls which of course led to broken bones and some blood loss and bruising. Men of the land can do some stupid shit when they are drunk.
My father liked to think he was a bit of a camp fire singer, he knew the words to many songs and there was always someone attending who had a guitar and it was about this time of the nights proceedings I would steal away into the night with a couple of my fathers home brews and my grandmothers cigarettes.
Hiding place of choice was the hay barn; it had some good hidey-holes and could be made fairly comfortable. The only problem was the occasional male visitor with a full bladder. I would be warned of their presence by the sound of a zipper followed by the noise of urination with accompanying ah's and sighs, culminating in a loud fart. I even got good at picking who the urinator was, like Mick Rogers who had a stop start way of peeing with a short toot of a fart between each stream.
Ray Willard liked to pee on the corrugated iron wall giggling to himself and Neville Doogan fell about the place while he peed cursing every time he got some on his dumb self.
This particular night was not unlike any other in the past and I was sipping my second bottle of home brew, puffing on some wild woodbines I managed to swipe off the food table when I heard whispering and soft giggling that seemed awful close.
Manoeuvring myself around bales of hay as quietly as I could, my gaze took in Mrs Pearson who was leaning back against a stack of hay bales, her ample bosom spilling out from her open shirt as a guy who was kneeled between her thighs roughly kissed them. Just as I realised the guy was Ray Willard they both stood and hurriedly stripped off their jeans. I knelt absolutely mesmerised by the scene in front of me and watched as Mrs Pearson lifted her left leg placing her foot on a bale beside her, even in the dark I could make out the very expansive and dark patch of her V shaped pubic hair which quickly disappeared as Ray Willard moved between her thighs holding something between his legs.
Mrs Pearson let out an audible cry as their hips met and I watched in fascination as Ray Willard's bare lily-white arse moved back and forth at an incredible rate. Mrs Pearson started huff huff huffing, as Ray Willard seemed to be making grunting noises.
It occurred to me that the interior of the barn was getting lighted somehow like it was staged and adding to the ambience when the smell of smoke shook me from my reverie. It didn't take long to realise the bales where I'd sat earlier where blazing with fire, the cigarette I thought id butted out must have ignited them and it was obvious the fire was way past any control I might effect on it by myself.
I leapt forward and dropped from my perch screaming "FIRE FIRE" my feet hitting the ground with a thud beside the copulating couple who were thrusting their hips at each other with enthusiasm.
Ray Willard turned a questioning face toward me as I gained my footing and ran toward the door screaming "FIRE FIRE" as loud as I could. Passing through the door I could see the adults from the party, some running, some staggering toward the barn. Stopping just outside the door, I turned back toward the barn in time to see a naked Mrs Pearson and half naked Ray Willard running for the door I had just run through.
As the two groups met just outside the door I heard an angry Bob Pearson exclaim, "what the fuck is going on" followed by a loud bone-crunching thump. I turned to see a fully clothed Bob Pearson wrestling on the ground with a half naked Ray Willard as a naked Mrs Pearson danced around them screaming at them to stop fighting.
Betty Willard joined the group punching the naked Mrs Pearson in the back screaming "you filthy slut" as twenty drunken men stepped over and around them with buckets of water trying to put the blaze out.
The fire was eventually under control and after retrieving their clothing the naked people joined their respective partners and left the party screaming and arguing. Needing an out to avoid any questioning from my father and knowing both Mrs Pearson and Ray Willard where smokers I sat beside him and said "you always say people shouldn't smoke in hay barns huh dad", my father looked at me nodding his head as I asked "why were they smoking with no clothes on dad?"
User Reviews
Submitted by georgemichael (user info) at 2006-06-01 03:52:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2006-04-08 01:53:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hidey-holes
i haven't heard that term in ages
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2006-04-08 01:34:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're wonderful in every sense of the word.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-04-07 18:04:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Happy Cleavage Day!!!!
See Peon's half assed attempt at a contribution ---> http://www.ubersite.com/m/86396
Submitted by TomAce (user info) at 2006-04-07 18:01:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Funny.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2006-04-07 17:04:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-04-07 16:41:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was thinking 'friction', wow, I fell for it!
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-04-07 16:34:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Hell, I got wood!"
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-04-07 15:58:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Saxon, I wanna rape you in that loving way.
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2006-04-07 14:52:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny as always, honkey.
Submitted by lucid (user info) at 2006-04-07 14:51:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"Manoeuvring myself around bales of hay as quietly as I could"
I hereby coin the term "ManMoovering", inspired by your mispelling, to be THE word of choice when referring to the act of artificially inseminating a cow.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-04-07 14:03:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-04-07 12:50:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-04-07 11:28:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2006-04-07 11:19:54 (#)
Ranking: -2
You were one of the nicest people here. Maybe that's why you wouldn't ever express the true depths of the accumulated wisdom you undoubtedly possess.
------------
seriously now ETS, this is just sad
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2006-04-07 11:19:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You were one of the nicest people here. Maybe that's why you wouldn't ever express the true depths of the accumulated wisdom you undoubtedly possess.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-04-07 10:35:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-04-07 08:48:23 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Lucylou (user info) at 2006-04-06 23:00:37 (#)
Ranking: 2
Is it wrong that this got me slightly aroused?
**********************
Well played, Saxon. Well played.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-04-07 10:08:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Always a good read.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-04-07 09:52:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
that shit's funny, don't care who you are.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-04-07 09:50:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
har har barn sex
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-04-07 09:18:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heheheehehehehe
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2006-04-07 09:10:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-04-07 08:58:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-04-07 08:51:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great story. First one I liked in, well, forever.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-04-07 08:48:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Lucylou (user info) at 2006-04-06 23:00:37 (#)
Ranking: 2
Is it wrong that this got me slightly aroused?
Submitted by AlexorGM (user info) at 2006-04-07 08:40:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaa
Submitted by MichelleNJ (user info) at 2006-04-07 08:16:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-04-07 07:47:09 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-07 03:44:38 (#)
Ranking: 2
a sinister "he he"
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-04-07 07:53:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You win!
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-04-07 07:47:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-07 03:44:38 (#)
Ranking: 2
a sinister "he he"
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2006-04-07 06:26:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Kick ass!
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-04-07 05:00:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2006-04-07 04:53:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Lucylou (user info) at 2006-04-06 23:00:37 (#)
Ranking: 2
Is it wrong that this got me slightly aroused?
=-=--==--==-=-=-=-
Yes.
You should be in the vicinity of strongly to completely.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-04-07 04:48:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
brilliant.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-04-07 04:19:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-07 03:44:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
a sinister "he he"
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2006-04-07 03:00:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-04-06 23:13:53 (#)
Ranking: 2
Short, sweet, and to the point. Great story.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2006-04-07 02:34:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i love parties like that
Submitted by EntityErased (user info) at 2006-04-07 02:17:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"why were they smoking with no clothes on dad?"
Nice.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-04-07 01:37:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-04-07 01:08:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by hooch4 (user info) at 2006-04-06 23:54:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah good one fuckhead. Now i'm horny and there's more than 4 hours til i go home from work.
Submitted by Oxymoron (user info) at 2006-04-06 23:29:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-04-06 23:20:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
there's too many words in this for me right now. but i figured i'd hit you up with a little deuce-deuce action anyways because i'm tight like that.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-04-06 23:13:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Short, sweet, and to the point. Great story.
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2006-04-06 23:10:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
How old were you at the time?
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-04-06 23:03:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Lucylou (user info) at 2006-04-06 23:00:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Is it wrong that this got me slightly aroused?
Submitted by pragmatic (user info) at 2006-04-06 22:50:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You've been gone for ages
post more
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-04-06 22:44:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"huh, dad?"
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2006-04-06 22:39:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice