My Workmate is driving me to murder PART 2 (quite long) (1706 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 2 on 30 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Alex DeWitt (View user info) at 2006-04-07 07:52:28 EDT
Since the first post (http://www.ubersite.com/m/85012) I have been keeping a diary of everything my mentalist workmate says and does. I hope it provides you with entertainment on boring afternoon.
*Four updates that were in the reveiws section of my last post:*
2006-03-01 10:32:14
I arrive at work and there are printed out sheets of A4 on every single desk saying "would you please clean this desk". I don't know what's going on as every desk is clean so I throw most away. Then mad man comes in to work and said "last night a squirrel came into the window and left his nuts everywhere, so I print off these sheets for the cleaners."
I am thinking a) it's the cleaners job anyway, they don't need to be told
And
b)was it really a squirrel or the aftermath of some bloody crime he committed or some kind of acorn fetish sex session.
2006-03-08 10:32:14
Oh My God. He's got Google earth on his screen and he's asking me what my postcode is so he can zoom in on my house!! I say I don't want to give it out and he keeps asking for it over and over. His friend is waiting to go to lunch with him and keeps interjecting saying "come on lets go now", but he is just ignoring him and talking over him. Eventually I gave my town name and he typed in and got all excited when it went there, saying "we are flying there by magic!!!". He eventually went to lunch after keeping his friend waiting 10 minutes.
2006-03-08 12:14:36
I'm really really freaked out now,
This guy has got a PhD, but he acts like an idiot. He wanted to buy a book from a 2nd hand book dealer online, and chose one in the USA, I said it would be better to get one from the UK, and he agreed, then when I looked in his shopping basket he had added the same book from the USA about 6 times!! I removed them all and added the one from the UK.
Then he went to checkout and kept asking me how to fill out the registration form, he wrote 'no comment' in the password box!
He said they wouldn't accept his payment and when I looked it was a cash card! I said you need to have a debit or credit card and he asked to use mine! I told him to fuck off (politely). It took him about 40 minutes just to get to this point.
Next he started pressuring me to give him my home e-mail address, starting off subtle like "You can get e-mail accounts with Google and Tesco net...do you have one", then eventually getting weird like "Do you check your e-mails before you go to bed at night?". I refused to give it to him.
When he started asking for my postcode I really got freaked out.
I cant believe anyone can be this dumb and weird at the same time, and yet be doing post-doctoral research at a university!! There's so much other stuff I don't have time to write...
I think he may be mentally ill, or he fancies me, or he wants to kill me. One of the three.
*All new UPDATES*
2006-03-09 07:59:01
Here is the latest e-mail I just got from him:
"Would you please give me 5 min. from your valuable time to ask you by English about ( information's cocktail )."
you couldn't make this stuff up!
2006-03-14 07:59:01
Today I received two blank e-mails from him, and one saying "It's just /6/ questions please."
2006-03-15 09:54:35
I have started ignoring him now, and just agreeing with everything he says. But its getting so ridiculous now that I have to stop myself from laughing every time he babbles.
He just screamed "YES! THE DOLLAR IS UP" it turned out to be about 0.5 cents up.
Then he said "try putting your phone here" and he put my phone in an exact position next to my laptop. I was like "WHY?" and he said he saw a guy doing it to his laptop and something 'magic' happened. Obviously nothing happened on my screen, so he moved the phone slightly to a different orientation, waiting excitedly. I guessed he was talking about infra red, and was trying to explain how it works to him, but he was just completely ignoring me and talking over me.
Then he started going on about how having one wife is better than having 100 women, as she will look after you rather you looking after them...too much weird shit to even begin to remember...
I am in hysterics after he leaves the room.
2006-03-17 09:54:35
He said "will they know if I cheat?"
I said "what do you mean?"
"I want to copy and paste a page from another article into my own research"
"yes they'll find out...that's plagiarism"
"how do you make a reference"
"you've got a PhD...you should know this!!"
"I put the year in brackets?"
"you need to read a guide on the Harvard style of referencing"
"but it is a very thick book, I cant be bothered to read...cant you just tell me"
"I haven't got time - you need to understand it so you can apply it to all your work"
"Where can I find out about it"
"try searching Google"
..eventually...
"Can you check this page for me?"
I check it and correct it
"Your English is wonderful...you make the same meaning but in shorter sentence, and you speak so fast"
"Most English people do"
"Now you can check the rest"
"NO"
"why not, it's only 20 pages?" <!>
<furious>"its not my job and I have other things to do, you need to understand it for yourself"
Later on he admitted that he bought his PhD in the Ukraine with a bottle of champagne. <seriously>
2006-03-20 15:38:35
The mad man is now mumbling "hashish ....hashish" over and over to himself whilst rocking in his chair.
2006-03-22 15:38:35
We were both working in silence for about an hour, until he suddenly said "you are very kind to me Alex. Thank you"...for no reason.
2006-03-23 11:46:35
He started the day by going "ooooooh nooooooo...The dollar is down" it turned out to be 0.7 cents in the pound less than yesterday. I said that wasn't much but he said that he had 6,000 dollars in cash at home and he would lose £400 if he changed it all up today. Apparently when he came to the UK his University gave him all his money IN CASH IN DOLLARS! I asked why not pounds (this is the UK), and he said that they thought dollars were an international currency. They must be as dumb as him.
Every week he makes me synchronise my watch with the atomic clock. I'm not kidding. Since last week my watch has gotten 3 seconds faster and this is just not good enough for him.
2006-03-23 11:53:35
Its like a fucking circus in here. Another weird guy came up behind the mad mans chair and put his knee in the mad mans back and is pulling his elbows back, stretching his chest, and the mad guy is screaming, going 'AAAAARGH! Don't touch the product...don't touch the product!!' They hug each other every day, I don't know what is going on.
Also today he went to the sports centre and said he saw women 'working with weights' and he 'watched them from a distance'. I clench with nervousness.
2006-03-23 15:58:35
He just asked me : "Do you want to see a collection of birds?"
I sat in stunned silence for a while, until he helpfully explained that the British library is selling a bird watching book for £10... "AND" he added excitedly..."it includes a CD Audio!!!"
2006-03-23 16:00:35
He randomly said "Dell is the chicken of laptops, and Toshiba is the vegetable"
2006-03-23 16:01:35
Mad man: "Is your wife whiter than me?"
Me: "Whiter?"
"Yes"
"That's pretty hard to judge...why do you want to know that? "
"There is white, whiter, white-to-pink, white-to-yellow, which is she?"
"She's the same as me"
"She is taller than you? "
"No"
"She has black hair? "
"No"
"That is good" <types on keyboard>
...later...
He saw a fly land on his computer and he went "OH! It is a flying bug, or how you say in English?"
-"A fly"
"Yes. It is the first fly I have seen in England...It is bad for the environment. I must kill her."
He said this last bit in a very serious tone with a look of vengeance on his face, as he tried unsuccessfully to swat the fly. I was trying not to laugh.
2006-03-24 10:39:35
He told me in excruciating detail about the fluctuating price of the dollar, before offering to e-mail me a link to the financial website he uses, I said "no thanks, I'm not really interested in that sort of stuff" and he went "OK I will send it to you".
2006-03-27 10:39:35
I found a brochure on his desk called "The Beefeater food hygiene training guide". Weird.
2006-03-28 10:39:35
He came over to show me an accounts book for an Arabic hotel, in Arabic, and was flicking through the pages telling me how bad the photocopying was. I DON'T GIVE A SHIT!!
2006-03-28 10:49:35
Him: "do you sleep in Hilton?"
Me: "what?"
Him: "in the Hilton Hotel...it would make a very nice honeymoon"
Me: "hmmm" <????>
Him: "It is very expensive"
Me: "yes. Have you ever stayed in a Hilton?"
Him: <looks forlorn> "No, just a very small room on the sea"
...later...
Him: "'cannot speak English good', or 'cannot speak good English'"
Me: "'cannot speak good English'"
<Oh the irony.>
2006-03-28 13:32:35
Him: "Your wife take care of you?"
Me: "We take care of each other"
"No, that's not what I see, I only see her taking care of you"
"Why?" <he doesn't know me or my wife from Adam!>
"Because she does all your cooking for you"
"No, I do all the cooking"
"Oh...but It's not good when the man do everything"
"Why"
"Coz she must be a housekeeper and if she has children in the future she must take care of them, not you, and if she gets used to you doing everything, she will not do anything in the future."
...later...
He breaks the silence with "Ooooooooooooooh the dollar is felling down"
...later...
Me trying to provoke a response: "do you have any children?"
"yes one daughter she is 1"
"1?!" (he's about 50)
"yes"
"....is it true that in some middle eastern countries you can have more than one wife?"
"yes, but long time ago, not anymore, because it is too expensive...and they don't want to make sexual relations"
"you mean the only reason they don't have many wives is because its too expensive?"
"yes...because they must live separate in a special flat"
"every wife must have her own house?"
"yes...it is very expensive, only the rich Arabs can have many wives"
...
Him: "...you see where I live?" (pointing to a map)
"oh yeah"
"here there is a special small beach for nude people"
"..."
"I invite you to stay with me in Syria...after your first child..."
"hmmm..."
2006-03-29 11:4:35
Him: "I arrive at work late today"
Me: "what time do you normally get here?"
Him: "7 minutes before eleven"
Me: "..." <that's very specific?>
...later...
"you see on my screen, it says 'your inbox is full...you...must...delete some items...or send them too 'arshive'"...what does this mean.
"it means you inbox is full and you have to delete something"
"oh" <like that made it completely clear>
2006-03-29 14:05:35
We were talking about a solar eclipse he saw on a news website, he kept babbling on about it constantly but not saying when it was going to happen. I kept asking when is it going to happen and he said either "I don't know" or "it hasn't happened yet". I looked it up and found it had already happened this morning, but he denied it had already happened. He asked me how long it lasted for, and I said 100 minutes and he gasped, saying "that is dangerous!".
Half an hour later he cracked up laughing then said "I am very naïve, how can they get a picture of the eclipse if it has not happened yet?". I said they could have used one form a previous eclipse, and his expression became stern, and he just shook his head, going "noooo...no".
He just forwarded me three junk e-mails for no reason. The subjects are 'FW: Menswear for work, leisure and biking: take time out!', 'FW: Play InvestaQuest - the fantasy stock picking competition', and 'Emailing: TdUkBrowseCatalog-Start'.
He also admitted that instead of doing real research he is just translating books from English into Arabic. He is going to present this back to his university as research he has done, and keep half of the project funding money they gave him.
2006-03-31 14:05:35
I told him I was off sick yesterday and he said: "you should sleep with something on your belly otherwise you will get sick again, to make your belly warm because you wear summer clothes." I just agreed with him.
2006-03-31 16:04:35
Hes going mental.
I wanted to lookup backpacks in the Argos catalogue and without turning around he said "they're on page 247" I thought he was joking, but I opened it up and there they were! Does he read this magazine at bedtime or something?!
He got someone elses passport who is about 50 and is looking at it going "why you put a picture of you as a child? You are always cheating"
He's now singing "paaaaaa-prika.....paprika...paaaaaaaa-prika...de.de...de.de.dum"
Immediately after the crescendo of this song he ens by saying "the cheese in Holland is very delicious".
He's now cracking up laughing, I ask him why and it is the same thing he was talking about 10 minutes ago, he says "he put a picture of him as a child in his passport like the women always cheating to try and look younger". He can barely get the words out through laughing. I ask to see the guys passport, and the photo is of a 40 year old man with a moustache. <???>
There's a guy on the phone to an airline trying to get a flight, and having a bit of trouble, and the mad man is standing next to him cracking up laughing for no reason, saying "take only one bag, it will be no problem, I will throw all your clothes away." The guy on the phone is going "be quiet!" and the mad man just ignores him and starts shouting to me about the price of marks and Spencer's shirts really loudly.
When he got off the phone, the other guy actually challenged the mad man, saying "you're not here to do post-doctoral research, you're just having a laugh with us aren't you?". The mad man laughed in his face.
He's now on another phone call, talking in Indian, which the mad man doesn't even understand, but he's still cracking up laughing in his face for no reason, and mumbling random things, literally right in his face.
2006-04-04 15:47:35
Thankfully he's not in today, but it seems his role has been assumed by his 2nd in command - the big old crazy Pakistani guy who he keeps hugging.
He just came over and dropped a stale roll full of disgusting looking lumps on my desk and walked away. I said "No I'm OK thanks"
he just said "eat it" and walked off
Me: "what is it?"
Him: "it's a snack"
"buts what's in it?"
"just eat it"
"but what's it made from?"
"it's a snack"
"WHAT IS IT"
"just eat it...it's a snack"
"BUT WHAT IS THIS STUFF INSIDE IT?"
"...it's a snack..."
"WHATS IT MADE FROM.. I NEED TO KNOW?!"
"...its just chicken..."
"I don't eat chicken"
And with that he snatched the fetid foodstuff from my desk and walked off. I don't even know why he thinks I would want his left over food anyway.
Ten minutes later he saw a woman walk into the office, and quickly but silently he walked up to her desk, plopped the massacred roll onto her desk and walked off before she could articulate an appropriate response. I'll let you know if she's off sick tomorrow.
2006-04-05 12:01:35
I asked the mad man if he drinks alcohol and he said no, it is against his religion. Then a minute later he said "you know Chernobyl?" I said "what the place where the nuclear reactor core was breached and loads of people got mutated?"
Him: "yes...my house is 15 minutes from there..."
Me: "15 minutes!!!!" <that explains it>
"yes...when the disaster happened they told us that drinking lots of alcohol would resist the effect of the radiation...but I don't know if its true."
"has the radiation gone now?"
"no it is still problem...it gave my thyroid gland problem"
"how do you know that was caused by Chernobyl?"
"because about 2 months after it happen, my head get very too big" <holds hands about 2 feet either side of his face, I try not to laugh>
"shit that's bad."
"yes. And some women, were told to fly to Canada. They were told they would get a cure, but I think they were just for experiments...they were already dead"
...later...
<Looking at a website> "If they write 'no longer available' this means it is no longer available?"
"....yeah...."
"aaaaaah"
...later...
My workmate just broke a Tupperware tub and was going 'FUCK'
the mad man went "I told you, you are too strong, you do not even feel that, that is nothing to you...<starts cracking up laughing> and put mm pickle hehe flathk <unintelligible>"
A minute later he said to me "I don't know how he will sleep with his wife?"
Me: "What do you mean?"
Him: <laughing> "maybe she will hckelhe on his keehn plantum hehehe"<unintelligible>
The big old crazy Pakistani guy is turning out to be almost an equal joker to the mad man now (the guy who gave me the weird chicken sandwich yesterday). It is about 25 degrees in our office and he is wearing a thick jumper with a polo shirt underneath. He just came over and said he had been given three papers to review, then asked if I would do one for him! I couldn't believe he was asking me to do his work for him. I asked why he was asking me and he didn't really answer. I said no I haven't got time and he went and got it and gave it to me anyway, I said I wasn't an official reviewer but he said he will just check over what I have done to save time. I was pretty pissed off and just gave it back to him saying I haven't got time. Meanwhile the mad man is constantly talking over us about the price of digital cameras! He keeps interrupting and asking me if '3 inch screen 6 mega postage camera is good?'. I am constantly holding 2 conversations at once and my brain is frying. I mostly just ignore him now and write what is going on here so he thinks I'm busy.
He is leaving soon and although I will finally get some peace I don't think I will get the laughs I used to.
User Reviews
Submitted by JustARide (user info) at 2009-01-10 19:13:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha I keep imagining the immigrant from family guy delivering all these lines!
Ho ho! You funny! Oooh
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-08-01 12:45:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by roflcopterMax (user info) at 2007-08-01 11:54:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahaha
Submitted by chgable (user info) at 2006-04-12 05:07:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I know his polish alter ego, he's sitting in front of me.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-04-10 10:26:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-04-10 08:17:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
let me tell you a story.
About 7 years ago I moved in with my father to get to know him better and also to be able to smoke marijuana around the house. Soon after I moved in my fathers' bestest mate moved in also.
he was deaf and as such very sensitive to bass. The noise from my computer would get his back up something fierce and it began to affect his sleep pattern.
I became his obsession. He would take notes about when I would leave the house and why, he would plan his life around mine. I was totally oblivious untill he went mental at me. He told me and my father everything, then threatened to kill me.
Obviously I dealt with the situation in an adult and diplomatic manner, allowing us to live in relative harmony for the next two years, but I learned a valuable lesson about communication on that day. I take no pride in driving an old, disabled, divorced man to the brink of psychosis.
Hang on, what were we talking about?
Submitted by xanderd (user info) at 2006-04-10 07:51:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
every time he says something it is terrorist/comedy gold, so I type it straight into my laptop.
But how is that ironic? Becasue it makes me an obsessive compulsive as well as him?
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-04-10 06:36:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Is this ironic? You've kept exhaustive detail of his... actions. If it is then I'm very much impressed.
Submitted by xanderd (user info) at 2006-04-10 05:51:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
heh! I think if he was a terrorist he would not have drawn this much attention to himself, but sat quietly in the corner...I hope!
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-04-08 03:53:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Strange fucker...
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-04-08 03:31:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
'AAAAARGH! Don't touch the product...don't touch the product!!'
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-04-07 17:56:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
In some parts of this I feel a little sorry for the guy
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2006-04-07 17:44:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've got a lunatic like that working at one of my remote sites. He's shown me pictures of a birthday party his last job threw for him and his Nissan Pathfinder that rolled over AT LEAST 7 TIMES. He even does this weird thing where he lightly touches your forearm when he talks to you.
HOWEVER, ask him where he got that PhD for a bottle of champagne. $100K-$150K a year is certainly worth a trip to the Ukraine. Fo' sho', NIGGA!
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-04-07 16:31:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
the funny thing?
your chum here is writing a blog in Arabic about you and the halarious hijinx that happen at work...
Submitted by recall (user info) at 2006-04-07 13:20:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2006-04-07 11:08:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
sounds like a terrorist to me...
we used to have a "PhD" guy from India who would wrap his hands in paper towels to keep from actually "touching" himself at the urinal...told us that back home, he had somebody to do that for him
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2006-04-07 10:01:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh My God. He's got Google earth on his screen and he's asking me what my postcode is so he can zoom in on my house!
_______________________
You probably want to move.
Submitted by mikeedapikey (user info) at 2006-04-07 09:46:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Classic Suicide bomber in training.
"Now you go to England and you observe their way of life Ahmed. You will work at the university, here is your degree and some dollars, you will find a friend and you will learn as much about the english language as you can. Then get your bomb from Mohammed and make the tube go bang."
"Ok"
Submitted by Hentrina (user info) at 2006-04-07 09:33:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Brilliantly entertaining! I want to strangle this lunatic for you already...
Submitted by MichelleNJ (user info) at 2006-04-07 09:23:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
O dear God. That would drive me absolutely insane, while providing some first class quality entertainment at the same time.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2006-04-07 09:16:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jesus I haven't laughed that hard in a while!
Submitted by Smooth_Shoes (user info) at 2006-04-07 09:11:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought it might be funny meeting this guy. Now I think it could be dangerous.....
Well told, old fuity.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-04-07 09:06:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-04-07 09:06:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Reading this alone makes ME want to kill him for you.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2006-04-07 09:01:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-04-07 08:37:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Dell is the chicken of laptops, and Toshiba is the vegetable"
That line cracked me up the most for some reason. And the Dutch cheese endorsement.
Your guy is strangely reminiscent of the person sitting all of two yards from me.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-04-07 08:28:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
brilliant. a sinister log. stalker.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-04-07 08:22:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this man is a fucking GENIUS! It takes brains to be that mental.
Submitted by DonkeyGums (user info) at 2006-04-07 08:17:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't know why but I just imagine this bloke being in the papers after killing some people in a couple of weeks...
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-07 08:16:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pity +2