Fresh Chives and Light Beer (1028 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.68 on 27 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Grimm <grimmjuice.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2006-04-07 10:19:30 EDT
The latest thing in my neighborhood seems to be these grocery delivery services.
I live in New York, and I know that in Manhattan delivery services exist for any sort of consumable you can imagine. They will deliver your normal takeout food, drugs, alcohol, movie tickets, anything you can imagine. They will even stop at multiple places for you, if you're in the mood for Chinese food but your friends all want Taco Bell.
But where I live, delivery services are few and far between for anything other than Chinese and Pizza.
So, when I start seeing all these advertisements for grocery delivery from several major chains, I decide to give it a whirl. Anything that saves time is good, and it will also save me the hassle of dealing with the idiots at the grocery store (for more of my thoughts on this: http://www.ubersite.com/m/84043 )
Since the delivery date is always the day after, you need to go to their online website the day before you want your food and prepare your shopping list. This sounds easier than it actually is, because just about EVERY SINGLE item that a normal grocery store sells is listed online. Their online lists seem to have been organized by an autistic with parkinson's, but after a while you get used to it.
I start with produce.
I order 3 red peppers, 2 green peppers, 3 heads of garlic, 1 pack of fresh chives, 1 bag yellow onions, 1 bag Idaho potatoes, and 1 head of romaine.
For meat and seafood, I order 2 packages of thin sliced perdue chicken cutlets, 1 flank steak, and 2 dozen large shrimp.
For dairy, I order a half gallon of skim milk, 1 bag of shredded mozzarella, and a big thing of sour cream.
In the "miscellaneous" category, I order a six pack of Sam Adams, a jar of Classico 4 cheese sauce, a bottle of white rain shampoo, and a "Discovery" magazine.
The total comes to about $73. Delivery promised between 3:30 and 4pm on Thursday.
I predicted that no matter how careful they were, they would mess a few things up. I'm willing to accept this as a reasonable cost of getting groceries delivered.
But I had no idea how much they could fuck up a relatively simple order.
The delivery guy shows up, and I'm expecting a teenage kid with ripped jeans and a bad attitude. Instead, I get a 65-70 year old black guy with snow white hair and a bad limp. He knocks on the door carrying every single grocery bag and his shoulders look about to fall off him. I quickly let him in and direct him to my kitchen table, where he dumps everything and asks me to review the order before I pay him.
I asked for 3 red peppers and 2 green peppers. I got six jalapenos and 2 yellow peppers.
I asked for perdue thin sliced chicken, and I got a package of huge Tyson chicken thighs.
I asked for skim milk and I got 2%.
Instead of Sour Cream, I get a big vat of Lemon Yogurt.
Sam Adams Light instead of the normal stuff.
And dove shampoo instead of White Rain (which costs 4 dollars more)
I review all this in silence, then look at the bill. The substitutions the grocery store made have cost me an extra $21, bringing my total to $94. I don't even have that much money in the house, and I recall that it's a cash-only service.
The old guy notices the expression on my face and takes a deep breath.
"Anything wrong, sir?"
"Um, yeah, unfortunately the order is really screwed up, and with all the substitutions I couldn't afford to pay you even if I wanted to - which I don't."
"You don't want to pay?"
"Um, no, half of this stuff isn't what I ordered."
"So you're refusing payment?"
"Um, yeah I am."
"Well then I have to load these back in the truck, you can't have them."
"I understand."
"What is it with people in this neighborhood?" he asks the sky. "They never have any money."
"Whoa, whoa, whoa." I say. "I have the money to pay you for what I ordered, but I didn't get what I ordered, and it's more expensive than I thought it would be."
"Can I use your phone?" he asks, ignoring me.
I hand him the cordless, and he dials what I presume is the grocery store.
"Louise?.....Yeah, it's Herman. I'm gonna be late again....yeah, I know, I got another one....right....bye." he says, and hangs up. Then he proceeds to make another phone call while I watch. This time it's actually the grocery store and he's on hold for a few minutes until someone named Jimmy gets on.
"Jimmy?....Herman. Customer is refusing payment....yeah, at (my address).....says he doesn't have any money."
At this point I get pissed off and ask to speak to Jimmy. Herman passes me the phone and I explain the actual story to him. He's sympathetic and he offers me a gift certificate for the same delivery service that fucked up my order. I tell him I won't be using the service again, and he seems to get a little pissy. Then he asks to talk to Herman again. I pass him the phone.
"Yeah?....(big sigh)....right."
Herman hands me back the phone and then looks at the grocery bags. He sighs again, then starts picking them up one at a time, his arms shaking a lot more than when he arrived. I sense that I'll be here all day, so I offer to help him take the stuff back out. He takes two bags, I take four.
We load them into his van, and then he closes the back doors and stands there, looking at me. I look back at him. This goes on for about ten seconds too long.
"All right, well thanks for your time," I say awkwardly.
"I make minimum wage." He says in a feeble voice.
I look at him for a moment then give him five bucks, thus securing my place in the asshole hall of fame. He thanks me and drives away.
Ten minutes later I drive to the grocery store and start doing my own shopping. As I leave, who the fuck do I see walking out ahead of me? Herman! He heads to a car parked two rows from mine, and out of curiosity, I look. It's a Honda CRV with spinning rims and chrome everything.
Pissed, I walk over to him.
"Nice car," I say to his back. He turns around, recognizes me, and grins.
"Can't blame a guy for trying," he says.
"If you weren't so old, I would beat the crap out of you." I say.
"Tough talk for a guy who buys fresh chives." He says.
I stare at him in silence till he closes his door.
Nice one, Herman.
But I hope you fall and break a hip sometime soon...
User Reviews
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-24 05:27:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
He knows where you live
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-04-12 11:42:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha he's got a point though. man young ghetto trash becomes old ghetto trash, nice. didja know most grocery stores have unions and they DON'T make minimum wage? for future reference is all.
Submitted by MichelleNJ (user info) at 2006-04-12 11:27:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-04-07 10:40:40 (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh and -2 out of jealousy because I can't buy beer at the supermarket.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2006-04-08 10:36:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by the_thorne (user info) at 2006-04-07 19:36:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I started reading...was a little worried as to where this was going. The endgin was worth it.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-04-07 18:12:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Solid Zero for the most part, but picked up at the end.
+1
-Dave
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2006-04-07 18:06:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
See, this is where our philosophies diverge greatly. I would have gotten pissed off and told Herman to go fuck himself with a hot curling iron if he had the balls to ask me for a tip. ...the fuck is wrong with people? That shit wasn't even close!
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-04-07 18:03:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Happy Cleavage Day!!!!
See Peon's half assed attempt at a contribution ---> http://www.ubersite.com/m/86396
Submitted by TheCrystalShip (user info) at 2006-04-07 17:54:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The Dude might be right. Nancy-boy!
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-04-07 15:29:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by renz0r (user info) at 2006-04-07 10:23:09 (#)
Ranking: 2
"Tough talk for a guy who buys fresh chives." He says.
Gold. Pure gold.
-----------
INDEED - REAL MEN BUY DESICCATED CHIVES AND REHYDRATE THEM USING NOTHING BUT THEIR OWN SALIVA
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2006-04-07 15:19:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Instead of Sour Cream, I get a big vat of Lemon Yogurt.
__________________
I imagine this is what my grandma feels like when I come back from grocery shopping for her.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-04-07 12:31:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Kind of eye-gougingly dull content.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-04-07 12:12:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked this.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-04-07 12:03:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
well written easy read.
me gusta.
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-04-07 12:02:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i would never get my groceries delivered because i'm really picky
BUT
i wish i could get my beer delivered and maybe some munchies alongside. Actually i wish I could still get beer in the grocery... sob... i long for my days of living in NY
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-04-07 10:59:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Ended kind of weak, but it was a well written easy read.
Submitted by dove666 (user info) at 2006-04-07 10:58:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very nice. Excellent finish!
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2006-04-07 10:47:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
my wife and i have used this service before: they are almost always out of at least three things you order, and they substitute with stuff that's not even close.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-04-07 10:46:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-04-07 10:42:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Tough talk for a guy who buys fresh chives."
-----------
awwwwwwwwwwwWWWWWWWWWWWW SNAP!
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-04-07 10:40:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wish I had money to go food shopping cause now I'm hungry.
Oh and -2 out of jealousy because I can't buy beer at the supermarket.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-04-07 10:40:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
fair enough.
Submitted by evesapple (user info) at 2006-04-07 10:39:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2006-04-07 10:32:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I long for the days when Kozmo was still around.
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2006-04-07 10:30:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-04-07 10:26:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Everyone I speak to says they cheat you on those online food order things. i think they have clowns to assemble them.
Submitted by renz0r (user info) at 2006-04-07 10:23:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Tough talk for a guy who buys fresh chives." He says.
Gold. Pure gold.