If I kill him now, do I get the insurance right away? (and Happy Cleavage Day!) (2603 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: crap:humour
Rating: 1.79 on 71 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Circe <fickle.muse.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2006-04-07 11:14:16 EDT
After having suffered, crawled, whined, and crotch stomped my way through ONE WHOLE exhausting year of marriage, I feel fully qualified to give relationship advice. What do you mean, "One year is nothing"? It's longer than I'VE ever been married before. Except for that donkey, and come to think of it I'm not sure that was ever legally annulled, but what happens in Mexico STAYS in Mexico - or at least in quarantine at Perth Airport - and I'll fight any man that says different.
The first year of marriage is for setting the precedent. Be careful what you do, because it's what you'll keep doing for the next eighty years. Here's all the things I've set a stupid precedent for and that are now chiselled in the stone of my husband's cold dead Dutch heart:
GETTING MY OWN WAY MOST OF THE TIME
Not nearly as good as it sounds. I get my way most of the time, he gets his way when it actually matters. I mean, I win consistently in discussions like "I prefer the chrome kettle" and "Let's buy new jeans for the Boy" and he wins when it's something along the lines of "I don't think we should buy a new car this year, you have to keep driving around in your shitbox Mitsubishi with the dodgy CV joints."
COOKING
The very first time he began cooking dinner, I gently pushed him aside and said "Here, you're doing it wrong." Guess how many times he's gone near the stove since?
BEING UNREASONABLE AND CHILDISH
This one was a major screwup on my part. See, I was a defensive little bitch when he first moved in and even though I'm not anymore, he still has the right - nay, the DUTY - to pat me on the head and say "Calm down, love, you're being silly." And when I get apoplectic with rage because he's being condescending he says "Do you need a nap?" Drives me crazy, but it's my own damned fault.
But it's not all bad. It's also the time when you learn to know each other, and when you stop being on your best behavior. We sleep facing away from each other - we both like our space when we sleep, and we've been together long enough not to take that back-turning thing as rejection. I also kick, talk, cry, laugh, yell and punch in my sleep. I have vivid dreams in which he cheats on me with Rose McGowan and I wake up and hit him and go back to sleep.
I snore like a chainsaw and I don't mind anymore that he wears earplugs to bed.
I've still never heard him fart. He wears shoes ALL the time, even inside. He's very unlike me - I stepped on a nail last week and only noticed it was stuck in my foot because of the tapping noise my footsteps made on the floorboards.
He tells me I ruined his life and I tell him to go back to his own fucking country and stop taking Australian jobs away from Australians.
I make fun of his accent, he makes fun of my slang. He calls me dogbreath for four hours after I come home from working at the kennels, and I tell his friends that he cries at the Pokemon theme song. We both think Dora the Explorer needs to be cancelled or at least made more realistic - "We need to find Boots' drug dealer! Can you help us? You have to say "crack!"" "Say crack! Say crack!"
On our anniversary I gave him one of those despair.com cards - "Destiny. You were meant for me. Perhaps as punishment."
I've honestly never been so happy in my entire life.
According to Phuzzy it's Cleavage Day. Here's my contribution. I was going to crop my face out of it, but my permanently bent eyelashes that make me look like I've had a stroke and my broken-in-a-barfight-when-I-was-sixteen-that-I-wasn't-even-involved-in, goddamned-lesbians-and-their-poor-aim crooked nose are just TOO FUCKING ATTRACTIVE to deprive you of.
User Reviews
Submitted by Alter (user info) at 2007-09-26 22:07:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No, Comment.
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-04-28 10:10:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Snare (user info) at 2007-02-27 00:10:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Have I told you lately that I love you?
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-02-26 23:26:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I loved this. I'm not sure which part the most.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2007-02-26 23:21:17 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
BBBBLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
Submitted by Cakes (user info) at 2007-02-26 22:48:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2006-04-09 20:53:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I stepped on a nail last week and only noticed it was stuck in my foot because of the tapping noise my footsteps made on the floorboards"
How very hardcore of you
and hooray fo teh pillows
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2006-04-09 20:13:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Brains, a pretty face and nice boobies. Your husband is a lucky bastard.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2006-04-09 10:29:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Congrats.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-04-08 21:43:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Kopesh (user info) at 2006-04-08 04:49:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
congratulations on your first year...
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2006-04-08 00:03:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've been married eighteen years this year.
I'm too exhausted to give advice.
Seriously.
Let's hope you still think things are funny when you are married for that long.
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2006-04-07 21:15:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My eyes are open. Are you illuminated?
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-04-07 20:20:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for poem writin' hooters...
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-04-07 19:10:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
awww.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2006-04-07 18:36:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2006-04-07 11:15:52 (#)
Ranking: 2
Cleavage Day, AND content too! What could be better?
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-04-07 18:31:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dave - Text him back and tell him he missed my post.
Submitted by TomAce (user info) at 2006-04-07 18:24:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Holy gigantic tits Batman!
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-04-07 18:05:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2006-04-07 17:45:50 (#)
Ranking: 2
Your epic beauty makes a very good match with your keen wit.
---------------
When the two of you get it on, can I be the first to view the footage?
PLEASE.
-Dave
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-04-07 18:02:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Happy Cleavage Day!!!!
See Peon's half assed attempt at a contribution ---> http://www.ubersite.com/m/86396
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2006-04-07 17:45:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your epic beauty makes a very good match with your keen wit.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-04-07 17:01:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"According to Phuzzy it's Cleavage Day."
I just got a text from Phuzzy. It read....
"Wonderbra party at the roxy. FUUUUUCCKKK!!!"
Sounds like he is enjoying cleavage day.
Happy anniversary.
-Dave
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2006-04-07 16:10:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Y halo thar chesty
Submitted by EntityErased (user info) at 2006-04-07 16:00:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I also kick, talk, cry, laugh, yell and punch in my sleep."
Add singing, and that's me in a nutshell.
That, and I will wake up in different parts of the house, on occasion.
+2 for similiar sleeping habits!
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-04-07 15:57:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-04-07 15:44:38 (#)
Ranking: 2
you look like Sam Kinison with tits....
====
OH OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2006-04-07 15:55:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-04-07 13:33:22 (#)
Ranking: 2
You do have pretty eyes...and nice boobs.
Dora bothers me. First off, her best friends are a talking Monkey and a talking Map. Right there, I'm think drugs. Second, where the hell are her parents? I had to watch the show everyday for two weeks straight when I was in charge of my niece (long story). During that two weeks, I never saw her parents once(Dora's, not the niece). Who let's their kid go over the bridge, past the pond, to grandmas house by themselves? Over the bridge, past the pond, to grandmas house. Bridge, pond, Grandmas house. Bridge, pond, grandmas house!
Great, now that song will be stuck in my head all day.
=========================
You have to watch the episode where the little rooster that wakes the sun has a sore throat. Dora's mom gives the bird tea with honey.
OH GOD WHAT HAVE I BECOME!!!
Anyway Circe, you look a lot like this girl I used to date (she had small boobs though) and she was one of those no shoe wearin, Grateful Dead listenin, hippy types. I love those girls...and she was good people. Maybe it's a trait for girls that look like you and here, maybe you're all related and that would mean that in some distant and strange way you and I have had sexual relations.
It was good for me.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-04-07 15:44:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you look like Sam Kinison with tits....
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-04-07 15:40:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
thank you.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2006-04-07 15:34:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sounds like heaven!
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-04-07 15:32:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny, funny girl.
I'll be sure to keep these things in mind.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2006-04-07 14:51:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"He tells me I ruined his life and I tell him to go back to his own fucking country and stop taking Australian jobs away from Australians."
In my mind, I can hear you saying this.
And it makes me smile.
Submitted by Oxymoron (user info) at 2006-04-07 14:47:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2006-04-07 14:39:32 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll bet there's a lot of change underneath those cushions.
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2006-04-07 14:39:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll bet there's a lot of change underneath those cushions.
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2006-04-07 14:32:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey, did anyone else notice there was a girl's head at the top of that picture?
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-04-07 13:33:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You do have pretty eyes...and nice boobs.
Dora bothers me. First off, her best friends are a talking Monkey and a talking Map. Right there, I'm think drugs. Second, where the hell are her parents? I had to watch the show everyday for two weeks straight when I was in charge of my niece (long story). During that two weeks, I never saw her parents once(Dora's, not the niece). Who let's their kid go over the bridge, past the pond, to grandmas house by themselves? Over the bridge, past the pond, to grandmas house. Bridge, pond, Grandmas house. Bridge, pond, grandmas house!
Great, now that song will be stuck in my head all day.
Submitted by Lisa (user info) at 2006-04-07 13:31:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Crack!
Submitted by The_Cyst_Master (user info) at 2006-04-07 13:23:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
How did you get your face so close to your ass?
Submitted by Astropath (user info) at 2006-04-07 13:15:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You got a cute face, and pretty eyes.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-04-07 12:59:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've still never heard him fart.
============
You can have mine for awhile. He never stops farting or scratching or messing up the kitchen.
Submitted by fried-green-potatoes (user info) at 2006-04-07 12:55:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"He tells me I ruined his life and I tell him to go back to his own fucking country and stop taking Australian jobs away from Australians."
---
Great line and happy anniversary.
(Speaking of slang, I'll assume your husband by now has learned the correct term for "cantaloupe" is "rockmelon.")
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-04-07 12:51:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Brilliant, as always.
Seriously, if you ever want to come to Sydney, I'm up for Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds Night whenever you are.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-04-07 12:43:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This ought to have 500 hits by 1 PM.
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2006-04-07 12:42:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love Circe.
Submitted by gank (user info) at 2006-04-07 12:27:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I've honestly never been so happy in my entire life."
- Good for you.
"I was going to crop my face out of it,..."
- Face, no face, I didn't notice either way.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-04-07 12:24:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I LOVE THIS WOMAN.
But she loves her husband.
Poo.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-04-07 12:04:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Go you!!
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-04-07 11:55:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll give you a +2 just for thinking of Shlongy and posting titties.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-04-07 11:52:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't let the air out, they might deflate.
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2006-04-07 11:51:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2006-04-07 11:41:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-04-07 11:37:52 (#)
Ranking: 2
WHERE'S MY CORSET PIC FROM HALLOWEEN?!?!?!
We shall have a cleavage battle.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
I get to be judge!
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2006-04-07 11:37:25 (#)
Coyote - As if you READ the content. Pffft. (Kidding. You're a literary genius with only a passing interest in boobs.)
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Ouch, now you're getting personal.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2006-04-07 11:40:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-04-07 11:37:52 (#)
Ranking: 2
WHERE'S MY CORSET PIC FROM HALLOWEEN?!?!?!
We shall have a cleavage battle.
_________
I concede, right now, before this gets heated. You win, irrevocably and forever. :)
My competitive spirit has been crushed by the poetry contest.
___________________
Danger - HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
You fucking psycho.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2006-04-07 11:38:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dora Dora Dora the explorer!!!
Dora: Boots! We need to find our way up to Circe's Cleavage!
Boots:.........
Dora: The map! We need the map!!
Boots:................
Dora: Say 'abuela'..
Boots:..........
Dora: Backpack! Backpack!
Peiter van Danhoogenbandenvandeneaglebandenmanden: Her cleavage looks like an atm, I love space cake.
Dora: Swiper no swiping!!
fin.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-04-07 11:37:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WHERE'S MY CORSET PIC FROM HALLOWEEN?!?!?!
We shall have a cleavage battle.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2006-04-07 11:37:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The longer I look at that, the more fucked up my eyelashes look. I HAVE to stop sleeping on that side of my face.
Leilani - I'd happily give them to you, but I have this rare alien blood type that would make your head asplode. *sad face*
Teeph - Thank you. It's the best part of us...
Coyote - As if you READ the content. Pffft. (Kidding. You're a literary genius with only a passing interest in boobs.)
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-04-07 11:33:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
circe, apparently when god made me, he was like "oh sorry i have no boobs left i gave them all to circe"
GIVE ME SOME BACK DAMMIT SO I CAN HAVE SOME AWESOME CLEAVAGE TOO!!!! :)
oh and this story had me laughing out loud. at work. garnering many interesting stares.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2006-04-07 11:32:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"He tells me I ruined his life and I tell him to go back to his own fucking country and stop taking Australian jobs away from Australians."
That is what Love sounds like, right there. And I'm not joking. That line is how I knew the "I've never been happier in my entire life" line was coming.
This post makes me happy.
In other news, does anyone else get the feeling that ETS is entering his "Jesus going back to Jeruselem" phase? I foresee the End coming, soon.
But whom will betray him and why?
Submitted by dove666 (user info) at 2006-04-07 11:29:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Does the cleavage end?
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-04-07 11:29:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your eyes are..WOW..really beautiful.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-04-07 11:29:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by FWFIV (user info) at 2006-04-07 11:28:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-04-07 11:28:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow. Competition for you eh C1ndy
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2006-04-07 11:27:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-04-07 11:23:44 (#)
Circe you look about 12 in that picture!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
If 12-year olds could be that developed, I'd be in jail by now.
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2006-04-07 11:24:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nice rack
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-04-07 11:23:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Circe you look about 12 in that picture!
Stop telling lies about being a married woman with 3 kids.
Submitted by renz0r (user info) at 2006-04-07 11:23:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What do you feed those fuckers? Christ!
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-04-07 11:19:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-04-07 11:19:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2006-04-07 11:18:16 (#)
Ranking: -2
I've rated you more than anyone on this website. I've given you nothing but support.
Just remember that.
-----------
"cuckoo cuckoo"
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2006-04-07 11:18:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I've rated you more than anyone on this website. I've given you nothing but support.
Just remember that.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-04-07 11:18:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wait. I thought you were going to sell him? Which is it?
Pretty eyes.
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-04-07 11:16:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*PARIS HILTON VOICE* "thats hot"
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2006-04-07 11:15:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Cleavage Day, AND content too! What could be better?