Uber, Assemble!!! (1818 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: UberAssemble!!!
Rating: 1.8 on 64 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by kaos-king (antius777) (View user info) at 2006-04-07 19:21:16 EDT
UBER HEADQUARTERS...
Commander Rad marched down the hall, his weapons clanking about his body armor. He glowed a dark red and his obvious frown was not masked behind his thick beard. He briefly thought back to his time as a prison guard at the Super-Villain Gulag where he had watched over some of the most nefarious criminals of their time. Back before Professor Bart-Bart had invited him to join his team of heroes. Back before he had gained meta human abilities and this red hue to his skin. Back before his arch nemesis had staged the largest and most successful breakout in the history of American incarceration.
But he had no time to think of these things...
He threw open the doors of the briefing room, casting a long glance at those assembled. These were to be his troops in the upcoming battle. Men and women who would possibly sacrifice their lives in the process of defeating one of the greatest threats mankind had ever faced. He sighed and began his speech.
SUPER SECRET VILLAIN HIDE-OUT...
He strolled through the shadows of his castle, his demonic alters crawling behind him. They whispered and cried out his name in fear, in passion, in hope. He ignored them. The alters weped and begged, striving for recognition from their master. With a casual dismissive gesture, they were obliterated. It mattered not, he could always create more.
Coming to a balcony that overlooked a small courtyard, he peered down at the individuals that populated it. Quite a collection of criminals, assassins, and sociopaths he had gathered. Some he had worked with in the past, some he only knew by reputation. Not that it mattered. They would all serve his purpose. After the break out at the Gulag, he had the respect and admiration of most of the criminal underground. And those who couldn't be swayed to his side had merely been disposed of.
Soon Professor Bart-Bart would be calling him "Master" and those bastard Ubermen would just be bloody stains. Yes, everything was going according to plan. In the darkness, Method smiled.
UBER HEADQUARTERS...
Commander Rad tossed back two excedrin and tried to forget about the headache that was slowly forming at his temples. The Ubermen were arguing amongst themselves again.
"No, I will not fight you to the death for a matter of honor," said the giant PolyAJ. "What the hell is your problem?"
A petite girl dressed as a ninja pranced all around the somber behemoth, throwing daggers at him which just bounced off his skin. The stylized symbol of a kitten on the back of her outfit kept morphing into the stance she took.
"Damn it, Ghola! Why don't you go fight Phinch?" groaned PolyAJ.
Phinch looked up from cleaning his gun. "What motherfucker? Just because I'm Asian, doesn't mean I'm about to get into any Jet Li bullshit."
"Ghola, go find Mockidol. That sociopath is always up for a good fight," TigerLily said, adjusting her nuclear fusion powered leg.
"Don't call him a sociopath," frowned Crystle. "Mockidol is a valued member of our team and he has..."
"Crystle, your empathy powers are working overtime on that guy. He's a cold-blooded murderer and a drug fiend," said BigMike.
Axolotl, the Boy Genius, laughed. "BigMike, go back to the 1960's when you still wore your underwear outside your long johns and saved cats out of trees."
"Listen here you..."
Commander Rad tossed an extra excendrin into his mouth.
SUPER SECRET VILLAIN HIDE-OUT
Shlongy was not happy. And when Shlongy was not happy, people had a tendency to get bloody.
He had been running a vast criminal network on the East Coast, mostly all to fund his prostitution rings. He had been wealthy and powerful. Then some cocksmack named Jim The Fiend tried to move in on his business. His opponent was quickly (and brutally) dealt with, but the fiasco had lead the Ubermen straight to his door. He would use any means necessary to take revenge on those responsible for putting him in the Gulag.
Even working with these dipshits.
At the moment, he was trying his best not to put a bullet in the head of this lunatic next to him. Calling himself ETS, he was an underground revolutionist. Supposedly, he had the ability to instill paranoia and panic in those around him. Shlongy only felt annoyed.
He glanced over at the man dressed in all red and white. Caulaincourt, the Quebec Quartermaster, was an infamous cultural terrorist. Caul surveyed the mostly American group with disgust. Shlongy surpressed a smile and looked around some more while ETS kept babbling conspiracy theories in his ear.
He caught Sphagnum spying in his direction and they nodded at each other. He had hired the assassin as a freelancer a few times in the past. Sphagnum radiated such vast amounts of hate, that he could create riots and discord anywhere he went. Quite a useful talent.
Shlongy wasn't sure what to make of the two giggling over in the corner. He had heard whispers and rumors through his channels about both of them. Both were equally insane and twisted. Both had as many enemies as they did allies. Both were evil for the sake of evil. Their names were Habeeb and The Cyst Master.
Just then a shot range out in the courtyard, dangerously close to Shlongy. He spun around, only to almost trip on the legs of a fallen ETS. A large bullet hole smoked from the side of the paranoid's head. Shlongy looked up to see a man putting a gun away, grinning broadly.
"Dude, that's Bosh!" said the killer.
UBER HEADQUARTERS...
Commander Rad was just getting things quieted down in the briefing room when the alien BRDN NKD materialized beside him. Ghola jumped to her feet and began to challenge the Alpha Centarian, but Thecaes knocked her out with a psionic blast. Commander Rad turned to the alien as his Ubermen pointed and laughed at the little ninja.
"McCallum needs to see you," said BRDN NKD.
Rad rolled his eyes, grabbed hold of the alien's cloak and vanished.
They reappeared in a giant room, deep underground the complex. Before them sat the most powerful computer on the planet, ran by a mutant brain - The McCallum. Originally created by Professor Bart-Bart for strategical and tactical planning, it achieved A.I. and became somewhat of an unnamed member of the team.
"I was in the middle of an important briefing session, McCallum. What is it?" asked Rad.
"I've been compiling the data base on all the meta humans that you requested, Commander," replied the digital voice.
Rad's eyes lit up. "What have you got for me?"
"Ruthless retired after she lost her powers, and now leads a normal life. Munkeypants said she would be glad to join the cause, as did Apollo. Badassmofo is still missing in a pocket dimension and the enigma known as 'Jay' was murdered by some poisoned jam. Berty died after doing battle with Electro..."
"Wait," said Rad, raising an eyebrow. "Electro actually defeated someone?"
"No, Berty bravely vanquished Electro, but the British hero died only moments later from some bad curry he had ingested early that day."
"Oh," said Rad and BRND NDK.
"Anyhow," continued the McCallum, "Pen Name and Teeph are off world right now and Saxon, Razor, JMG and IDDQD went with Loki to Asgard. Sideburns retired, Mickginny caught a magical STD, and Circe turned Average Dan into a... eh, sexual device."
Rad swore. "So we only have Munkeypants and Apollo joining us on this mission?"
"I'm still trying to track down a number of others, Commander Rad," replied McCallum.
"We are so fucked," said Rad.
SUPER SECRET VILLAIN HIDE-OUT...
Method felt Mistress Fist glide up behind him and place her hand on his shoulder. As his longtime associate, he allowed her this measure of freedom. She had been instrumental in gathering some of these individuals that now stood before him in the courtyard below.
"It would seem we are missing a few," said Method in a casual voice.
"Yes, my lord," said Mistress Fist. "Fat Tony was captured again soon after the escape from the Gulag. He died from results of a gang rape while he was incarcerated. Lisa returned to visit her native land and was subsequently stoned to death. Pentameter and Donkey killed each other for reasons unknown and Darko bonded with the essence of death. And as for Zakalwe..."
"Yes, we all know what became of our little friend Zakalwe," Method said with a small smile.
"Sir, do we have enough troops to send against the Ubermen? I mean, we could always summon Kool Mang from the depth of hell or unleash Fetish from..."
Method spun and seized Mistress Fist by the throat, lifting her into the air. A thousand shadow limbs of nameless, faceless alters accompanied his movement, gripping her neck.
"Are you insane, woman? I want to rule this planet, not see it laid to waste!" and with that he threw her against the wall.
She rubbed her neck and struggled to get up. "I'm... I'm sorry Method. I was just, just concerned for you."
"Of course you were," laughed Method looking down at her. "Now get up. We have a world to conquer..."
***MORE TO THIS AS IT COMES TO ME***
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User Reviews
Submitted by lordofthepost (user info) at 2006-05-01 01:45:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is incredible
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-04-21 12:48:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this is freakin awesome. i'm not important enough to be in it :(.
thank god you killed ets before he said anything.
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-04-19 15:37:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-04-17 19:51:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Im liking this.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-04-14 16:00:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Shit!
How did I miss Circe turning me into a sex toy??
I wish it was a little more elaborate than that, but at least I had a part in it.
One thing though, you left out my _
Don't ever do that again, I feel naked without it.
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2006-04-14 14:35:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This rocks. Thanks for posting it on the Uberboard, I would have missed it otherwise!
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-04-13 15:11:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
How did I miss this? Excellent.
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2006-04-12 15:45:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by mockidol (user info) at 2006-04-11 16:01:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"He's a cold-blooded murderer and a drug fiend."
ha, i kick ass
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-04-10 16:56:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Caul should be bleu & white, not red & white - I'm still pissed that you killed me off with only one line...
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-04-10 08:43:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2006-04-10 00:19:50 (#)
Ranking: 2
Can you make me be kick ass?
I have always wanted to be kick ass.
Especially in some one else's fantasy world.
(nudge nudge, wink wink)
----------------------------------
Paula! Have you forgotten how kick-ass I made you in "Antidote Bear?"
*weeps*
On another note, curious to see if I show up in a later installment of this series...
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-04-10 00:49:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Admit it, you made me evil because my name's Darko. I know that it sounds evil, but that is why you should have made me good! Like Snake Eyes from G.I. JOE
Submitted by erosion_rules (user info) at 2006-04-10 00:32:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Stuff like this always makes me wish I was well known on Uber...then I remember the real world where I can get drunk and eat pussy, and everything is okay again.
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2006-04-10 00:22:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sphagnum is OBVIOUSLY going to be the hero of this story.
HAHA, you wrote "ass" in the title.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2006-04-10 00:20:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
SAY NO MOAH!!
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2006-04-10 00:19:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Can you make me be kick ass?
I have always wanted to be kick ass.
Especially in some one else's fantasy world.
(nudge nudge, wink wink)
Submitted by rockdocc (user info) at 2006-04-09 20:26:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ohhh! me me pick me!!!!
why am I such a geek for this shit?!
______________________________________
dude, right there with you...
this should be an enjoyable read, in between making the world safe for totalitarianism, shit I mean democracy, I will be waiting for the next installments.
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2006-04-09 20:04:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha well done, well played.
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2006-04-09 19:00:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ohhh! me me pick me!!!!
why am I such a geek for this shit?!
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2006-04-09 10:56:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is pretty funny. I hate rooting for the bad guys, but there you have it.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-04-09 02:46:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think in order for me to bond with the essence of death I must become immortal, perhaps even the grimm reaper.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-04-08 16:11:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nice
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-04-08 13:32:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I agree- this was not just meaningless name-dropping. This was really funny.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-04-08 12:47:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
heh heh heh
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-04-08 09:34:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-04-08 00:27:02 (#)
Ranking: 0
Wardy - Like I said, I purposely kept some people in reserve for the next part. Are you in it? Hmmmm.....
----------------------
then it's a zero for now.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-04-08 03:48:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
what the hell does "bonded with the essence of death" mean?
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2006-04-08 03:39:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Give me a cameo as a time-wandering stoner.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-04-08 03:35:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow...
ETS must have done his taxes or something tonight.
Something like this set him off...
*giggle*
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-04-08 03:10:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Another list I didn't make. *sigh*
Still liked it.
-Dave
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-04-08 02:22:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm an Alien! kick ass!
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-04-08 02:03:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"We are so fucked," is now my new catch phrase.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-04-08 01:50:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
what Razor said.
you would have done better just to have me in there.
maybe with some hot chicks and cheeze-its.
otherwise, good stuff. I dig it.
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2006-04-08 00:45:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Honest advice - don't drop forty characters into a story in one page of material. The story can not really progress meaningfully in any way, and when they are just introduced BAM-BAM all it seems like is name dropping, not any actual examination of how you see any of us.
Submitted by Magic_Monkey (user info) at 2006-04-08 00:35:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ooohhh ....am i the secret weapon ?!
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-04-08 00:27:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Wardy - Like I said, I purposely kept some people in reserve for the next part. Are you in it? Hmmmm.....
ETS - I have absolutely nothing against you, man. Hell, I like Method and I wrote him as a mad tyrant. Most people on this site view you as "wacky" so I stuck you in with the bad guys. Then I thought it would be hysterical to have someone like DudeThat'sBOSH kill you right in front of Shlongy. For Christ's sake, I killed off Berty and gave Mickginny magical clap!!!
In other news... Wait until I reveal the "Secret Weapons" each team have in back up. Hehehheheh.....
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-04-08 00:25:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
"You have sooooo lost side-kick status at this point"
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2006-04-07 23:53:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ETS is a fag.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2006-04-07 23:52:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm old, this proves it.
I always wore my underwear beneath my longjohns. Even in the sixties.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-04-07 23:46:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Whoah.
SO many names. SUCH a good story.
I'm a good guy! WOOOOT
<Swoon>
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-04-07 23:43:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was very well written, I loved it.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-04-07 23:43:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha dont mind poor lil Bradley, retaliatory ratings seem to give him some sort of perverse pleasure. I'm sure it all factors in to his plans for world domination.
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2006-04-07 23:14:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you see, kaos? don't you SEE?
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2006-04-07 23:01:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Tell you what, next time why don't you just let Wardy have my part in your little popularity plays. He seems to want it.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2006-04-07 23:00:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
All that just changed. Welcome to the club, kaos... Welcome.
Submitted by Nat_Nemcova (user info) at 2006-04-07 22:57:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"What motherfucker? Just because I'm Asian, doesn't mean I'm about to get into any Jet Li bullshit."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Priceless....
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2006-04-07 22:56:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I don't recall ever being a villain to you.
Submitted by The_Cyst_Master (user info) at 2006-04-07 22:49:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Shlongy wasn't sure what to make of the two giggling over in the corner. He had heard whispers and rumors through his channels about both of them. Both were equally insane and twisted. Both had as many enemies as they did allies. Both were evil for the sake of evil. Their names were Habeeb and The Cyst Master.
I felt waves of insanity engulf me once. Just once though. That was right after I killed my mother. I ate her broken body and deficated the remains into a baseball mitt. I used the fecal matter paste to masturbate on my father's bald spot while he blew coke off my athlete's foot foot.
But that was it. I think I've lived a pretty normal life since then. Besides the skinning...
Submitted by Sinistral (user info) at 2006-04-07 22:29:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
TigerLily said, adjusting her nuclear fusion powered leg.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-04-07 22:24:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
if you're going to name drop and you don't mention me, it's an automatic -2. sorry, it's the rules.
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2006-04-07 22:18:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2006-04-07 19:54:05 (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't care if this is name-dropping, it was sweet.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2006-04-07 21:38:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WOO I'm in one
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-04-07 21:15:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha ha, suck psionic blast, ghola. Wait, I have brain powers? That doesn't sound like me at all.
Ah, I'm just happy to be mentioned. Normally I don't go for this Uber-as-a-story stuff, but I feel the concept is in capable hands here. Go kaos!
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-04-07 21:14:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I really didn't think it was humanly possible to drop so many names...and kiss so much ass (and cock) in one post.
But YOU did it.
At least my part was good.
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2006-04-07 21:08:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
you'll need to refresh my memory, what happened to me again?
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-04-07 20:41:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And I shall write an ode or perhaps a sonnett to your post.
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2006-04-07 20:17:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
no me?
*emo shart*
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-04-07 20:15:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
w00t
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2006-04-07 20:10:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
thats fuckin bosh
Submitted by EntityErased (user info) at 2006-04-07 20:09:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice.
Can't wait to see how it continues.
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2006-04-07 19:54:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't care if this is name-dropping, it was sweet.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-04-07 19:51:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I should point out a few things...
Obviously there are too many Uber users to mention in this. I gave shout-outs to people who I'm cool with, who have influenced me in some way, or who have made this place (in my opinion) what it is today. So don't be all pissy if I didn't use your name in this.
However...
I purposely left out a few people because I have "special" things in mind for them...
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-04-07 19:43:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you freak. i would so kick ass and you know it.
Submitted by Foolproof (user info) at 2006-04-07 19:39:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good. Now keep it up.
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2006-04-07 19:34:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Woohoo!