jealosy is a curse (1462 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.45 on 84 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by georgemichael (View user info) at 2006-04-08 04:59:43 EDT
Hello all,
if you have been wondering where I have been I was polishing up this old story of mine so I could post it on here, since some of you spend more time picking on my ability to spell correctly than reading my stories whcih are good. Anyways here goes:
NEW STORY
Tom and Jane had been married almost 1 year. There wedding anniversary was just around around the corner, but poor Tom didn't even notice. He was working real hard all the time to save money to buy the prettiest little house he could in their southern town, to make Jane happy.
At the same time he was hard at work in the feed store, Jane was across town with a man - a jeweller -
'I want this bracelet to be for my wonderful husband Tom - he works so hard I want him to have a nice bracelet! Come by to my house tonight and show me the designs and I'll pick one - its for a anniversary present!'
Everyday Tom would ring his wife before he left work,
'Honey, I'm leaving work now, see you soon'
He would say, today though, 2 days before the anniversary that Tom still had not remembered he thought 'I'll surprise Jane and just come home - can't wait to see the look on her face!'
and so he started home.
As he turned the corner he noticed a strange car round the front. He parked under a tall tree and went up the side of the house, creeping under the kitchen window...
'You better get going soon, Tom will call any minute and he might hear you' (that was Jane)
'Okay, we only have to keep this a secret for a while longer anyway, ha ha I'll be back in 2 days at 6pm' (that was a males voice)
'I don't recognize that voice - just who the hell is in my house talkin to my Jane' (that was Tom to himself)
Tom crept back to his car, his heart was broken, 'I think my Jane is having a affair' he thought to himself 'wow, my heart does hurt'
Tom went to a local bar and bought some alcohol. He swore he would give up drinking when he got married but it didn't matter now. Nothing mattered to Tom anymore.
Before he drank too much he rang Jane -
'Hi Jane listen I can't talk much now but there was a problem over in Little Tree, Idaho. I have to go there for two days and I'll be back at 8pm exactly, in two days. goodbye'
Ha Ha Tom laughed to himself, knowing that Jane and the male voice he heard were planning to meet at 6pm in two days. If they thought he would not coming home until 8pm he would surprise them at 7pm. He quickly got prepared for what he needed to do-
LIST OF SUPPLIES-
Shotgun
Watch
When he finished writing his list of supplies he went and got a lapdance and passed out drunk.
The next day he got his supplies and went to old Mr. Bakers field to practice his shooting and drinking.
The day finally came, he looked at his new watch - 6.55pm it said, and he noticed the date on it - February 14th - valentines day. His mind went back in time to one year earlier when they had gotten married - now he remembered - today was his anniversary!
'Maybe it is my fault Jane has been slepping with another man, after all I have been working so hard I even forgot it was our anniversary - The only present she is getting now is some lead in her face' he thought and brushed away a tear.
6.57pm - now he crept up to the house, under the window, he heard Jane say
'oh yes that is just how I like it - I am totally thrilled'
Tom could not take hearing his wife with another man, and she sounded so impressed it made him grip the shotgun tight and dream about killing the two of them.
(little did he know it was just the jeweller showing her the bracelet)
6.58pm - not long now tought Tom.
6.59pm - he crept in the back of the house and saw the two of them in the kitchen, 'aha' thought Tom, 'They must have finished having relations and now she is cooking him something to eat' In just one minute the only thing you are gonna eat mister is some hot lead.
7.00pm - the watch ticked to the new hour and -
Tom came in and unloaded two barrels into Janes face, in an instant her head blew off and covered the kitchen in her blood, he reloaded and faced the man, for a split second he recognised the mans face, who over a year ago had sold Tom the wedding rings. Then BLAM he unloaded two barrels into the mans chest blasting him into the living room where the TV blared an ad for jewelerry gifts for valentines day. Tom listened to the ad and looked arounf the kitchen.
Amongst the blood was a new bracelet with the words 'for Tom' on it and a receipt. he read the receipt-
For Jane, start date Feb 12 deliver at 6pm Feb 14 anniversary present for Tom
The receipt said.
Tom took the shot gun and tried to put it in his mouth it was a long barrel though and he had trouble pulling the trigger, it blew off half his face but left him alive.
Now Tom sits in a hospital getting fed through a tube.
'He never talks or responds to humans' says the nurses 'except once a year'
'Really, once a year?' people say
'Yes once a year he sheds a tear. every February 14th - valetines day'
THE END
This is not a true story but one I thought up myself, basically Tom thought his wife Jane is having a affair but really she is sneaking around getting a special anniversary present made and when Tom blows their bodies into peices he realises this because the tv is playing a jewellery ad and it make him look at the bracelet in the kitchen. then he tries to commit suicide but he doesn't do it properly and he has to live like a vegetable forever but he still remembers the bad thing he did.
thanks for reading this.
User Reviews
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2007-01-10 00:11:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
rob berg
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2006-11-02 20:52:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i love happy endings.
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2006-11-02 19:29:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
wizzle wozzle
Submitted by kybernetikum (user info) at 2006-10-06 10:16:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
nice
Submitted by paint_it_black (user info) at 2006-09-05 18:48:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Submitted by Paul_Monroe (user info) at 2006-06-07 02:46:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this is gold
Submitted by georgemichael (user info) at 2006-05-27 06:25:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Submitted by wijormiclat (user info) at 2006-05-18 03:13:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
rything you ever wanted to know about georgemichael
User id: 26074
Registered on or around: 2006-03-24 05:29:58
# Messages posted: 24
# Reviews written: 561
# Times these posts have been reviewed : 960
# Hits: 13155
Average rating of all messages: -0.28
-----------------------------------
Everything you ever wanted to know about wijormiclat
User id: 4006
Registered on or around: 2003-12-02 16:55:37
# Messages posted: 10
# Reviews written: 717
# Times these posts have been reviewed : 237
# Hits: 8323
Average rating of all messages: 0.84
------------------------------
Even with you -2ing everything I've ever written, I am still better than you, because you are a retarded, unintelligible, inbred hick that cannot express himself in the written form without warranting massive ridicule due to poor grammar and simple thoughts. PS I am 15+ beers deep into the night and the fact that I can recognize this is just a testament to the depth of your stupidity...
Submitted by wijormiclat (user info) at 2006-05-18 02:49:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by georgemichael (user info) at 2006-05-09 10:10:11 (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by georgemichael (user info) at 2006-05-09 00:56:51 (#)
Ranking: -2
stop rating your own shitty gay alters echofag
---------------------------------
Echo and I are completely separate entities you fucking unintelligible faggot.
Submitted by secret_of_nimh (user info) at 2006-04-20 21:27:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think there is a deeper level hovering just out of sight in these posts.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-04-20 18:52:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by georgemichael (user info) at 2006-04-13 10:24:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i forgot about the girl post
Submitted by georgemichael (user info) at 2006-04-11 00:28:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
okay i will do a post about girls later this week
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-04-10 20:16:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
do you all want my next post to be about horror or funny or about girls?
--------------------------
YES, POST ABOUT TEH GRILS PLZ
Submitted by georgemichael (user info) at 2006-04-10 01:36:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thankyou, thats waht i think about him, i think his keyboard can only type -2 and swear words at me
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2006-04-09 19:56:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It pains me to see how much of a worthless douchebag jgreening is.
PS, Jay- MrPresident was squattail you invalid sack of shit.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-04-09 19:43:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Georgie, they're rating with a +, because it's hilariously bad.
Submitted by georgemichael (user info) at 2006-04-09 19:31:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
well i know you are trying to be mean
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-04-09 18:37:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Not mean, just truthful, alter moron...
Submitted by georgemichael (user info) at 2006-04-09 18:27:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I don't know if half of you are being mean or not
Submitted by Fartman (user info) at 2006-04-09 08:13:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love you too, George. Keep up the good work.
------------------
Mommy! Circe's reading my mind again!
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2006-04-08 23:52:19 (#)
Ranking: 2
I haven't loved an alter this much since Daniel Jaines disappeared
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2006-04-09 07:12:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Despite the intentions stated in your preamble, this turd cannot be polished. This sucked, it just sucked. However, it didn't suck in an original way, nor reach new levels of suck. It's just a bad story badly written with spelling and grammar errors abundant enough to me obviously intentional.
-2rd
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-04-09 03:06:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
There is a fine line between autism and stupidity...
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-04-09 02:49:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ooops, forgot to rate.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-04-09 02:48:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-04-08 22:38:15 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-04-08 20:01:12 (#)
Ranking: 2
I quit writing. I can never accomplish anything, not after seeing this masterpiece. I encourage Kaos-King and TheCaes to quit writing as well. We will never rise to this genius' work.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
No, no, no, my boy genius! We must strive to reach the levels of greatness that this literary master has achieved. We shall become scholars, studying and absorbing his works and his complete control over the English language. Do not give in to grief! Let your heart be filled with the glory of the heavens knowing that we live in a time when this spectacular individual is among us. Let him be your muse!!!
*************************************
You know, I don't think most of us could write something this bad if we tried. Which I think makes this guy some sort of wonderful genius.
Seriously, these lines are fucking AWESOME:
When he finished writing his list of supplies he went and got a lapdance and passed out drunk.
The only present she is getting now is some lead in her face' he thought and brushed away a tear.
'aha' thought Tom, 'They must have finished having relations and now she is cooking him something to eat'
It's far and beyond anything I could think up. Who thinks like that?? Fucking geniuses, that's who. If this is an alter, hats fucking off.
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2006-04-09 01:26:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by georgemichael (user info) at 2006-04-09 01:21:24 (#)
Ranking: 0
gee jgreening you have posted like 15 times on this post already, it must really make you mad people are liking my work and giving me more and more plus 2's
-==-=-=--==--==-
Dude, don't get cocky... It's pretty piss-poor.
Submitted by georgemichael (user info) at 2006-04-09 01:21:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
gee jgreening you have posted like 15 times on this post already, it must really make you mad people are liking my work and giving me more and more plus 2's
Submitted by Nockane (user info) at 2006-04-09 01:04:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
could have done without the summary at the end
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2006-04-08 23:52:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
LIST OF SUPPLIES-
Shotgun
Watch
____________
Hhahahahahahaha
I haven't loved an alter this much since Daniel Jaines disappeared
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-04-08 23:49:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
That's one of the spelling errors I mentioned... Jealous.
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2006-04-08 23:33:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Just a question: Is "Jealosy" the American spelling or just a mistake in the title?
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-04-08 22:53:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
That saddens me, gm. Really.
I had some zingers waiting for later posts, too.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-04-08 22:38:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-04-08 20:01:12 (#)
Ranking: 2
I quit writing. I can never accomplish anything, not after seeing this masterpiece. I encourage Kaos-King and TheCaes to quit writing as well. We will never rise to this genius' work.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
No, no, no, my boy genius! We must strive to reach the levels of greatness that this literary master has achieved. We shall become scholars, studying and absorbing his works and his complete control over the English language. Do not give in to grief! Let your heart be filled with the glory of the heavens knowing that we live in a time when this spectacular individual is among us. Let him be your muse!!!
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2006-04-08 21:40:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by georgemichael (user info) at 2006-04-08 21:22:43 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2006-04-08 17:04:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
It is really unfortunate that so many people are responsing to this good story in a sarcastic way. I though that this story was wrote very well maybe not expertly but still very good better than most on this site. It was a sad story not a funny one unless you are a person who is sadistic in some ways.
In other news I agree that with you that even if you dont spell so well like other peope here than that should still not ditract from your story. People shoul facus more on the sobering massage of your story more than whereas the 'grammar(er)' (that was jgreening who said that) of it-
I know that in the future I will look out for your stories so that I can be farther enlightened by your stories and the massages in them. Keep your chin up and dont be diterred by the critics.
Good luck friend!
_______________________________
Thankyou.
=--=-==-==-=-==-=-=--=
BWAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHHAHA
Submitted by georgemichael (user info) at 2006-04-08 21:36:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I dont even think I will read your replys anymore jgreening
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-04-08 21:35:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
How about a horror story about funny girls?
That would kick ass.
Also, please understand, many are pity +2's.
Submitted by sg11588 (user info) at 2006-04-08 21:31:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
just been busy.
Submitted by georgemichael (user info) at 2006-04-08 21:29:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks everyone. I am glad some of you are coming around. Uber can be a veray daunting place to post in if you are starting out. I still don't like you very much jgreening. it doesnt matter that you spent all night doing audit that doesn;t give you the right to tease me, but hopefully you will like my next story better
please visit my other posts as well, don't forget about them.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/85973
http://www.ubersite.com/m/86027
http://www.ubersite.com/m/85929
http://www.ubersite.com/m/85860
do you all want my next post to be about horror or funny or about girls?
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-04-08 21:29:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I haven't seen anything from you in ages, SG.
What the duece, my good man?
Submitted by sg11588 (user info) at 2006-04-08 21:28:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ME SIGHTING
ME SIGHTING
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-04-08 21:23:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
PLATYPUS SIGHTING!
PLATYPUS SIGHTING!
Submitted by georgemichael (user info) at 2006-04-08 21:22:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2006-04-08 17:04:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
It is really unfortunate that so many people are responsing to this good story in a sarcastic way. I though that this story was wrote very well maybe not expertly but still very good better than most on this site. It was a sad story not a funny one unless you are a person who is sadistic in some ways.
In other news I agree that with you that even if you dont spell so well like other peope here than that should still not ditract from your story. People shoul facus more on the sobering massage of your story more than whereas the 'grammar(er)' (that was jgreening who said that) of it-
I know that in the future I will look out for your stories so that I can be farther enlightened by your stories and the massages in them. Keep your chin up and dont be diterred by the critics.
Good luck friend!
_______________________________
Thankyou.
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2006-04-08 21:04:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
+2 because I did enjoy it...
-1 for the poor story-writing...
-1 for the unnecessary explanations on things...
'I think my Jane is having a affair' he thought to himself 'wow, my heart does hurt'
Hahahahahahahaa
Submitted by sg11588 (user info) at 2006-04-08 20:44:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was horrible.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-04-08 20:01:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I quit writing. I can never accomplish anything, not after seeing this masterpiece. I encourage Kaos-King and TheCaes to quit writing as well. We will never rise to this genius' work.
Submitted by SAM_420 (user info) at 2006-04-08 18:50:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Too bad this isn't an original and I've seen many like it. As soon as you stop stealing people's stories come back and show us why you stole it with a shitty story of your own. Oh and eat a dick!
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2006-04-08 17:53:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I think he's gone to harm himself...?
George? You there buddy?
GEORGE?
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-04-08 17:34:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I even said if he gets better as a writer, I'm more than willing to +2 the stuff.
But the errors in this are just atrocious. I had to read some parts 2-3 times to figure out what he was saying.
Right right and all, the idea isn't bad, although a tad overdone sometimes. But I can not give a positive to something with this many mistakes.
Submitted by EntityErased (user info) at 2006-04-08 17:29:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
WTF!? I'm not reading all that!
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-04-08 17:19:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I ugree with Assholy 100% persent
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2006-04-08 17:04:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It is really unfortunate that so many people are responsing to this good story in a sarcastic way. I though that this story was wrote very well maybe not expertly but still very good better than most on this site. It was a sad story not a funny one unless you are a person who is sadistic in some ways.
In other news I agree that with you that even if you dont spell so well like other peope here than that should still not ditract from your story. People shoul facus more on the sobering massage of your story more than whereas the 'grammar(er)' (that was jgreening who said that) of it-
I know that in the future I will look out for your stories so that I can be farther enlightened by your stories and the massages in them. Keep your chin up and dont be diterred by the critics.
Good luck friend!
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-04-08 16:39:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha
This was fucking hilarious
Submitted by Brendon (user info) at 2006-04-08 16:38:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
'oh yes that is just how I like it - I am totally thrilled'
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-04-08 16:29:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Method, it wasn't serious, it was boredom.
I was working audit last night, and I was done with everything by like, 1AM my time, so I had 5 hours to blow off.
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2006-04-08 13:09:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"You might not be good at stuff I have known how to do for years like fix trucks, ride horses, muster cattle or even do hard outdoor work, but no way would I ever tease someone or give them a hard time if they are just starting out."
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahhahahahahaa
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2006-04-08 13:06:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
'wow, my heart does hurt'
-----
AAAAAHHAHAHAHAAHA
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2006-04-08 12:48:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
or they could install a ouija board so he can converse with his dearly departed
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-04-08 12:41:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
'He never talks or responds to humans'
hahaha maybe they should get some farm animals in there to talk to Dr. Dolittle then
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2006-04-08 12:40:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this may be the most perfect line written, ever:
"'The only present she is getting now is some lead in her face' he thought and brushed away a tear."
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2006-04-08 12:39:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
it blew off half his face but left him alive.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-04-08 12:37:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
by the way, Jay you're a fucking retard for arguing with this kid in ANY sort of serious manner
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-04-08 12:35:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
'aha' thought Tom, 'They must have finished having relations and now she is cooking him something to eat' In just one minute the only thing you are gonna eat mister is some hot lead.
<PEES SELF>
I swear to God, this kid is giving Electro a run for his money
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-04-08 12:34:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
LIST OF SUPPLIES-
Shotgun
Watch
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-04-08 12:34:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahaahahah "(that was a males voice)"
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2006-04-08 12:29:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i need to go practice my shooting and drinking first though
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2006-04-08 12:29:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
the only thing you are gonna eat mister Method is some hot lead
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-04-08 12:27:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm sorry, but this is on par with Electros stories - unintentionally fucking hysterical
Alter or not, funny shit
Submitted by Snalty (user info) at 2006-04-08 12:19:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Thank you for that explanation at the end. Otherwise, I wouldn't have understood this story. *ugh*
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2006-04-08 12:05:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i don't know if it was supposed to be, but this was DAMN funny
especially "wow, my heart does hurt"
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2006-04-08 11:45:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
since some of you spend more time picking on my ability to spell correctly than reading my stories whcih are good.
--------
AHAHAHAHAHaaaaaa.....
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-04-08 09:14:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I understand what you were going for but unfortunately for you, you can't write worth a shit, boy.
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2006-04-08 07:57:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hvae you a jgreening gone and gotten a room together? (that was my voice)
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-04-08 07:19:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
keep up the good work.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-04-08 07:18:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this one was even more amusing than the last one.
funny, even.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-04-08 07:10:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Well, it's been a little more fun here than work was tonight, so I'll be heading off now that work is done.
Closing note.
If you get better, I'll rate better.
Simple as that.
There's not a single user here I haven't given a decent number of +2's to.
Not a single one.
Except Chris Evans and MrPresident.
Long story.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-04-08 06:56:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Oh, and if you think reposting one of my comments on one of my stories with a zero bothers me, you really don't know much.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-04-08 06:55:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
And yeah, in a lot of reviews, I'm a dick. Mainly because either the person is a fucking whackjob (like ETS) or the post plain sucks (most picture-only posts)
I also rate a SHITLOAD of +2's. And if a post deserves it, it gets it.
This does NOT deserve a +2, or a +1 or even a 0.
Seriously, if you turned something like this in to an English teacher in High School, it would have come back with so many red marks, you would have though she had a bloddy nose AND was on the rag while grading it.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-04-08 06:53:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Dude, you take critique pretty damn harsh.
I'm sorry if I'm pointing out obvious errors here, OK. But sentences always end in a period, an exclaimation point or a question mark, not spaces.
You use dashes when you should have commas. That's what commas are for, seperating things.
Learn the difference between there/their/they're.
Double quotes for talking, not single.
---
He would say, today though, 2 days before the anniversary that Tom still had not remembered he thought 'I'll surprise Jane and just come home - can't wait to see the look on her face!'
---
I won't even start on this.
Instead of saying (that was Jane) you could easily say --- said Jane. ---
---
'I think my Jane is having a affair' he thought to himself 'wow, my heart does hurt'
---
Another one I won't go near.
---
If they thought he would not coming home until 8pm
---
There's another.
---
(little did he know it was just the jeweller showing her the bracelet)
---No shit. We would have never thought of that, since it's the ENTIRE plot.
I'd point out about 20 mis-spelled words, but I don't want to get on your feelings too much.
If you think this deserves ANYTHING over the rating I gave it, please tell me, and please say why besides "I tried real hard".
Submitted by georgemichael (user info) at 2006-04-08 06:45:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
see jgreening i have seen you post stupid things on other peoples posts as well. You do have high rating stories but other people are might just be starting out writing or they might not be as smart as you. You might not be good at stuff I have known how to do for years like fix trucks, ride horses, muster cattle or even do hard outdoor work, but no way would I ever tease someone or give them a hard time if they are just starting out.
In my first post i wrote how old I was
Submitted by georgemichael (user info) at 2006-04-08 06:37:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Well you must be about the smartest peron on the whole planet then, were you a bully to kids at school too or just to people having a fair go at writing on the internet?
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-04-08 05:44:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
And if you're older than 26, I weep for your parents, because they failed to produce offspring with the ability to communicate with most of the outside world.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-04-08 05:41:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I gave you a reason.
It reads like something I would have written 15 years ago.
There's no structure, the grammar(er) is atrocious, the punctuation is horrid, the subject is so overdone it's not even funny, the dialouge reads like a play my 7 year old niece was in last spring, and it is in general badly written if you are anything over 12 years of age.
Better?
Submitted by georgemichael (user info) at 2006-04-08 05:26:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
jgreening you always -2 my posts , at least this time you kind of gave a reason and i am a lot older than 10 probably older than you
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-04-08 05:21:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No offense or anything, but this seems like a rather disturbing story written by a 10 year old.