Uber, Assemble!!! (part 2) (1270 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: UberAssemble!!!
Rating: 1.93 on 64 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by kaos-king (antius777) (View user info) at 2006-04-10 01:26:57 EDT
PART ONE
http://www.ubersite.com/m/86400
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
UBER HEADQUARTERS...
Commander Rad and BRDN NKD teleported back into the briefing room from the underground McCallum Computer. It would seem Ghola had awaken from her psionic blast and was currently assaulting Thecaes with her tiny ninja fists. Everyone found this quite amusing except for Thecaes, who couldn't concentrate enough between the blows to zap her asleep again.
"All right everyone, calm down!" yelled Rad. "We still have mission specs to go over!"
BRDN NKD took a seat between Thecaes and BigMike while PolyAJ picked up Ghola and placed her on the opposite side of the room from the telepath. She shot the whole room a dirty look and slunk down in her seat, pouting. TigerLily rolled her eyes and hung up her cell phone as Phinch ignored everyone and continued to clean his gun. Axolotl tapped Crystle on the shoulder and pointed to Mockidol.
Crystle sighed, leaned over and shook Mockidol awake. He snorted, swore a few times, then lit up a cigarette.
"Well now that I have everybody's attention," Rad said sarcastically, "I suppose we can continue. I just spoke with McCallum, and he updated me on the status of a few of the world's heroes. Munkeypants and Apollo will be joining us shortly and that's probably going to be it for reinforcements."
Protests went up from the troops, mostly in the form of names they shouted out as possible candidates.
Rad put up his hands. "McCallum is still working on it. If you have any ideas, take it up with him. Professor Bart-Bart put him in charge of recruitment for a reason."
"Yeah, a lot of fucking good that's done for us," mumbled Phinch.
"Listen, if you think..."
A loud rumble interrupted Rad as the building shook.
"Shit! The Uber compound is being attacked! Let's go!" shouted Commander Rad.
SUPER SECRET VILLAIN HIDE-OUT...
"... and that, my friends, is why together we can not fail," concluded Method.
The assorted criminals, assassins and sociopaths in attendance stood there absorbing what Method had just said. It made a lot of sense. They had all had relatively successful careers in crime, but all of them had eventually fell before the might of the Ubermen. It had taken Method to break them out of the Gulag and gather them here. Perhaps combined, they might destroy Professor Bart-Bart's idiotic heroes once and for all.
"And I suppose you feel you should lead this little syndicate?" asked Caulaincourt, venom dripping from his words.
"You think you would be better suited, Frenchy?" quipped DeathJester.
"I don't care who runs it, as long as I get to kill people," laughed DudeThat'sBosh, while DOS and Scourge nodded in agreement.
Habeeb and The Cyst Master just giggled as they tossed a severed baby doll head back and forth.
"I have a question," asked Shlongy stepping forward. "How the hell are we going to get any where near the Uber compound. That fucking McCallum computer of theirs keeps tight security."
"Excellent question. Follow me," said Method as he turned to march out of the courtyard.
UBER HEADQUARTERS...
Commander Rad and the Ubermen spilled out into daylight, the front lawn of the Uber Compound. Rad had spent years at the Gulag as a prison guard for some of the most viscious, violent, bizarre criminals in the world. He had spent the last two years as field leader of the Ubermen, facing threats he could have never dreamed of. He thought he was ready for anything.
Then he saw the thing standing in the bushes.
Almost three stories tall, it looked like one of those robot space fighters from japanese cartoons he used to watch as a kid. Its gleaming chrome was offset by the flat black of guns sticking out everywhere. Literally, everywhere. It was a sixty foot tall weapon, and it was standing motionless in the azalea bushes.
"Uh..." began Axolotl.
Suddenly, a video screen grew out of the robot's chest. The Ubermen watched in awe as a face hazily appeared on the screen. Rad swore when the image came into focus. It was the United Nations super spy - Michael Jackson. Supposedly a twenty seven year old European girl trained by the Russian KGB, MJ's real identity was only a rumor. Rad had worked with the super spy in the past, but had never trusted him/her.
"Afternoon, Commander Rad," said MJ in conversational tones.
"Jackson, what the hell is this?" growled Rad.
"A gift from the G8. They want Method and his allies disposed of as quickly as possible. They thought this proto-type might come in handy," replied MJ.
"I come from the United Nations."
"Made to cause devastation."
"I will sever the Ubermen."
"Stand with you until the very end," boomed a voice from the robot's speakers.
"Oh yes," said MJ, "It also speaks in rhymes for some reason. Its name is Orgasmatron."
SUPER SECRET VILLAIN HIDE-OUT...
Method lead the others through a hallway in his castle to a door bolted shut. He knocked out a tune on the thick metal door and waited. After a few minutes, everyone assembled heard locks being undone and then the door creaked open. A man stood there covered from head to toe in black leather and spikes.
"Hello, ShitFuck. How are we today?" asked Method politely.
ShitFuck said nothing, but opened the door wider so everyone could enter.
The room was out of a nightmare. Blood was liberally splashed everywhere, some pools fresh and wet, others dried to a dull brown. All manners of harnesses, clamps and shackles were affixed to the ceiling and walls. A large table was filled with bladed objects, small and large. A blow torch sat off to one side.
"Has he said anything else useful?" Method asked ShitFuck.
"Not really," said ShitFuck. "I think you have all you need. I've just been removing all the flesh from his fingers with a cheese grater. Care to watch?"
"Not at the moment. Is he awake and lucid?"
"Let's find out," said ShitFuck.
The crowd gathered around Method and ShitFuck as he raised the head of his captive up off the rack. Many gasped, some swore and Habeeb just laughed. Method strolled over and slapped the prisoner a few times until they were looking each other in the eyes.
"Good morning, Gascs," said Method.
Those behind Method began to whisper. Gascs had been a hero once, a front runner to join Professor Bart-Bart's Ubermen. But he had tired of all the fighting and retired. But he had done more than that, many had come to find out. He had chipped off a shard of the Uber crystal that gave Professor Bart-Bart his powers and used it to enhance his own reality warping abilities. Gascs had created a parallel universe and he, along with some others, had disappeared. There were some heroes who still considered Gascs a traitor. And all the old villains still hated him.
"Fuck you, Method," swore Gascs, blood dripping from his mouth. "I won't help you."
"You don't have to help me. You've already told me everything I need to know. ShitFuck is very good at his job. I know enough about you and how your powers work to create a perfect duplicate of you, a perfect alter. Now I just need your Uber crystal shard."
Gascs began to protest, to swear at him, to lurch beneath his bonds.
"It's beneath his forehead," sighed ShitFuck, cleaning off a bloodied staple gun.
Method brought his fist back and called upon a thousand alters, their shadows falling into place. When his knuckles shattered through the skull of Gascs, it was the knuckles of a thousand hands. Only Method's hand curled around the small, clear piece among the gore.
"Now," said Method, looking into his palm and smiling, "I should be receiving a phone call."
UBER HEADQUARTERS...
"Do you think we can trust Jackson?" TigerLily said.
"No," replied Rad, "But what choice do we have? We're going to need as much manpower as possible if our intel is correct. Fuck, we still haven't recovered from the Gulag breakout."
"JohnnyX, Donovan, Jonukah... all dead. And all Method's fault. Don't forget that, Rad," said TigerLily.
An unpleasant smile grew across the commander's face. " I don't plan on forgetting it in the least."
Halfway down the hall, Axolotl met up with them.
"Hey, um... those two new recruits are here. They're down in the training room."
The three heroes marched down the corridor to the training room. Rad peered in and watched his troops engage in mock battle with one another. Munkeypants and Apollo seemed to be fitting in just fine.
Phinch was off to the far side practicing his marksmanship. Not too far away from him, Thecaes and Crystle sat on a bench facing each other, energy crackling around both of them. It was Thecaes's psionics versus Crystle's empathic abilities, and it looked like they were evenly matched. Ghola and Mockidol were locked in deadly combat, her honorable katana against his murderous butcher knives.
The giant, PolyAJ, was kept on his toes by the shape-changer Munkeypants. One minute she was a rhino, charging into his legs to knock him off balance, then once she was grappled in his huge hands, she turned into a hummingbird to escape. Not far away, Apollo tried valiantly to hurl his pyrokenetic fireballs at BRDN NKD, only to have the alien teleport away at the last moment.
"I so want in on this," said TigerLily, powering up her nuclear fusion leg. She let the nanotechs in her system build up, then shot a blast of energy from her eyes directly into the back of Phinch.
She bolted into the room, dodging his bullets and yelling something along the line of, "Why Hello There..."
Rad and Axolotl stood at the doorway and watched the ensuing chaos.
"Shit, Commander," quipped the Boy Genius, "We may pull this off after all!"
SUPER SECRET VILLAIN HIDE-OUT...
The guest were all enjoying a fine dinner that Method's alters had prepared for them, except for The Cyst Master. He had gone back to the dungeon to strike up a conversation with ShitFuck. It would seem they had worked together in their youth, something that Method had been unaware of.
Method did not like to be unaware of things.
As he sat there contemplating this new development among his troops, Mistress Fist strolled into his master study. She took a seat opposite from him, across from his desk and rested her heavy metal gauntlet in her lap. She looked at him knowingly.
"ShitFuck and The Cyst Master?"
"Their previous relationship disturbs me," said Method.
"Well this will make you feel better. Wardy is on line one," said Mistress Fist.
Method smiled as he spun in his seat and turned on the video phone. The image of twisted scientist appeared instantly. Wardy coughed and tapped the screen on his end.
"You there, Method?"
"Of course, old friend," replied Method sweetly.
"Well, the clone is done. Combining your alter abilities with the genetic code I had on file, it was much easier than I anticipated. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for destroying those heroic fuckers, but this thing is a monstrosity, Method. You won't be able to control it like one of your regular alters."
"I'm not concerned about controlling it, Wardy. I plan on setting it loose and having it just kill, kill, kill," laughed Method.
***MORE TO COME, FUCKERS!!!***
User Reviews
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-09-13 15:31:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wish I had lived a little longer...
Submitted by erosion_rules (user info) at 2006-04-21 14:32:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"I come from the United Nations."
"Made to cause devastation."
"I will sever the Ubermen."
"Stand with you until the very end," boomed a voice from the robot's speakers.
======================
It brings to mind another robot:
"They call me Gato,
I have metal joints.
Beat me up,
and earn fifteen silver points!"
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-04-21 12:53:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
more fucking awesome.
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-04-19 15:37:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-04-17 19:57:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Not cool enough to be in this
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-04-14 16:21:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love you
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2006-04-14 14:35:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*flashes thumbs up*
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-04-13 15:21:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So good.
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2006-04-13 14:55:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
They killed Jonukah! You bastards!!!
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2006-04-12 15:46:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
one day SR, they will notice you, One day...
:'(
very Goot, BTW
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2006-04-12 15:38:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
quite *ahem* engrossing.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2006-04-11 18:25:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Groovy. Getting interesting.
Submitted by mockidol (user info) at 2006-04-11 16:04:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I read these before, but time to go back and rate...
and what, i'm like Patrick Bateman crossed with the dude on the couch from half baked or something. And with butcher knifes. hmmmmmm
What's funny is I almost did something like this for pulse where it was a bar and everyone sat around and told stories, etcetera.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-04-11 11:36:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
more rarrrrrrrrrrr
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2006-04-11 09:40:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I don't care who runs it, as long as I get to kill people," laughed DudeThat'sBosh, while DOS and Scourge nodded in agreement.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-04-11 00:10:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yours is a noble undertaking. I am extraordinarily entertained. Please. carry on.
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-04-10 18:49:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-04-10 18:26:46 (#)
Ranking: 2
Unless you're thinking about gender bending for fun and profit.
And if you are, I know a guy that can help you...
=========================================================================
That O-Tron...always looking to help out his fellow man...woman...whatver.
--------
Yes, he's very thoughtful isn't he?
I think I'll stick to being a girl, O'man. That way I can use my boobies to distract the enemy. It works every time.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-04-10 18:26:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Unless you're thinking about gender bending for fun and profit.
And if you are, I know a guy that can help you...
=========================================================================
That O-Tron...always looking to help out his fellow man...woman...whatver.
Submitted by EntityErased (user info) at 2006-04-10 18:26:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for most over-used and blatantly corny comicbook line EVAR!
"Shit! The Uber compound is being attacked! Let's go!" shouted Commander Rad.'
THE BEST!
EVAR!
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2006-04-10 18:24:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
DREW THE BOSH HAS RETURNED??!
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-04-10 18:06:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sounds like a He-Man character.
=====================================================
That would be sweeeeeeeet.... I always wanted a giant sword, castle, battle cat, and to be surrounded by women wearing tight clothing.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2006-04-10 17:47:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*sigh*
:-)
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-04-10 17:44:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-04-10 17:38:54 (#)
Ranking: 2
Oooh I wanna be a bad guy too! Or I could be a double agent. That'd be awesome!
---
Bad GIRL, dear. "Girl."
Unless you're thinking about gender bending for fun and profit.
And if you are, I know a guy that can help you...
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-04-10 17:38:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oooh I wanna be a bad guy too! Or I could be a double agent. That'd be awesome!
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-04-10 16:52:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck...I DIED?????
THAT IS NOT IN MY CONTRACT, I'M SUING YOU, FUCKER
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-04-10 15:14:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-04-10 14:04:34 (#)
Ranking: 2
Even without the name dropping, this was pretty good.
And might I add, MyTeeOne is a great superhero and supervillan name. I'm just saying...
---
Sounds like a He-Man character.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-04-10 15:02:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Comment
Submitted by ajanssen (user info) at 2006-04-10 14:22:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey asshole
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-04-10 14:04:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Even without the name dropping, this was pretty good.
And might I add, MyTeeOne is a great superhero and supervillan name. I'm just saying...
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-04-10 13:36:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I don't care who runs it, as long as I get to kill people," laughed DudeThat'sBosh, while DOS and Scourge nodded in agreement.
My name is scourge and I approve of this message.
auto me +2
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-04-10 13:07:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WooooO!
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2006-04-10 12:37:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is indeed kick ass. It has always been my fantasy to be a shapeshifter since I had seen
Disney's 'The Sword in the Stone' when I was younger. I loved the ending where the sorcerers kept changing shapes in a battle. It was mucho cool.
That's my story.
Yay me.
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2006-04-10 12:23:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
im nodding in agreement
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-04-10 12:17:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Here's hoping that the Orgasmatron has a handlebar mustache made out of miniguns.
Good on you for this, man. It's entertaining in the most ridiculous of ways.
Submitted by The_Cyst_Master (user info) at 2006-04-10 11:59:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
We're the Double Mint Twins and something something.......we want to fuck the shit out of The Cyst Master. His cock is huge. Chew Double Mint Gum!
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-04-10 10:42:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh! Oh! Can I be a bad guy???
MY SUPERPOWER IS DISTRACTION IF I JUMP UP AND DOWN.
Pretty please??
*gives pouty doe eyes*
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-04-10 10:17:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, I got my line...that's good enough for me...
Submitted by The_Cyst_Master (user info) at 2006-04-10 09:59:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Do me and Shitfuck have a gay orgy with ourselves?
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-04-10 09:34:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So I see that you, too, gave Munkeypants shape-shifting abilities...you been reading my Antidote Bear story lately? http://www.ubersite.com/m/70467
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-04-10 09:33:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-04-10 07:01:27 (#)
Ranking: 2
name-drop-tastic
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2006-04-10 08:40:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If ANYTHING, you took too long to kill Jaypig off.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-04-10 08:19:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Method, I haven't even started to get offensive yet...
... give it time.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-04-10 07:24:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this is excellent, name dropping aside, although certain people will still get offended by it.
"The giant, PolyAJ" makes me laugh like a hyena
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-04-10 07:10:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-04-10 03:32:05 (#)
Ranking: 2
and believe me, my empathetic powers can take ANYONE! Even the Ceas...
************************
Bring it, beeyotch!! I'd get locked in a desperate struggle with you any day.
Rowr
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-04-10 07:01:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
name-drop-tastic
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2006-04-10 06:12:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for two reasons.
1. I enjoyed the story.
2. I hope by +2ing i may be considered as some sort of victim and or innocent bystander who gets killed. (this reason is much more selfish)
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-04-10 06:00:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-04-10 02:23:29 (#)
Ranking: 2
I still say I'm alive, or at the very least undead.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Sorry Darko, you "bonded with the Essence of Death."
What does that mean? Will you ever appear in this tale again?
Well, I figure it's going to have about 7 or 8 parts... so who knows???
I still have a few more "Characters" to introduce, too.
And someone is going to get molested by Habeeb in the next chapter...
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-04-10 04:33:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
He will only make you a monk if you write the next part of Fired.
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2006-04-10 04:16:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Can Mr. Cancer be a shaolin monk or something cool like that?
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-04-10 04:07:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Over flowing with gheyness.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-04-10 03:32:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oh yes.. and for good measure
RAWR! TREMBLE AT MY ROAR!
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-04-10 03:32:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha...
Love it. Keep going. I'll be gone for a week
<cue music> I'm going to Disneyland!</music>
but I'll look this up to see if there is any more done when I get back
and believe me, my empathetic powers can take ANYONE! Even the Ceas...
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-04-10 03:06:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Shit, you did... I kind of skimmed the first one, with plans to read it later...
Um...
Then what about as an undead something or other for the baddies?
And georgemichael, I have one thing to say.
Shut up, shitty alter.
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2006-04-10 02:44:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oops
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2006-04-10 02:44:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
shouldn't method and tigerlily have an illicit tryst
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2006-04-10 02:37:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"JonnyX...Dead"
+2 for that alone.
Submitted by georgemichael (user info) at 2006-04-10 02:36:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
maybe king kaos you might need to include me for a part perhaps i would be good as the person controlling everything. i have also worked on oil rigs so underground stuff doesn't bother me.
it doesn't matter but it would be good
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2006-04-10 02:35:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Because I owe you.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-04-10 02:23:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I still say I'm alive, or at the very least undead.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-04-10 02:15:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Sorry Jay, you're dead. I mentioned in part one that you died from poisoned jam...
Submitted by georgemichael (user info) at 2006-04-10 02:15:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-04-10 02:04:19 (#)
Ranking: 2
There HAS to be room for Jay Peg in there.
Like a guy who can be both very very VERY huge and very very small. You know, since I AM pretty big, but a peg is smallish...
or something, I don't know.
I could like, be begging to join the Uberheros or something throughout...
Comedy relief or something...
Anyway...
Um...
yeah.
__________________________
I wouldn't write about you. you seem like a jerk,
you think i am dumb but you don't see me begging to be in a post
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-04-10 02:04:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
There HAS to be room for Jay Peg in there.
Like a guy who can be both very very VERY huge and very very small. You know, since I AM pretty big, but a peg is smallish...
or something, I don't know.
I could like, be begging to join the Uberheros or something throughout...
Comedy relief or something...
Anyway...
Um...
yeah.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-04-10 01:56:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
looooooooooooooooooooooooop!
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-04-10 01:54:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I still am pissed that I "bonded with the essence of death". And unban Degreeless!