When we were just another group of animals (500 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.14 on 11 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Clark Normal (View user info) at 2006-04-10 05:39:52 EDT
It must've been sweet to live back in the old, old days.
The land was untarnished and fruitful. The only gold that actually mattered worth a shit was fire, because of all of its wonderful applications. Our ancient ancestors endlessly battled fierce thunderlizards with nothing more than a hard rock and a little of the old primitive instinct - and half the time, they won.
They'd grab these slabs of cold-blooded meat and drag them back to their small communities, populated by 30 humans at the most, hidden in the snug of a great circle of mountains. Shame didn't exist. "Indecent exposure" was gibberish, and couldn't be properly translated into "OOG OGG DOOGA-DOOGA". Thus, wangs and breastststs hung freely in the breeze. Oh yeah, and "G" was a vowel.
Killing animals for food and tools was a great way for our ancestors to vent their primitive frustrations, but carnal desire was best suppressed with the females of the species (and always will be). So the men would battle eachother with everything they had - their nails, their teeth, their knees and elbows, their piss - ending with the winner going back into the cave that night, with some sweet cave-poon at his side. "OOG, OOG, OOG, OOGOOGOOGOOGOOG-GAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHH! Doog... doog..."
Over time, all of these spelunking trips (AHEM) made extra space scarce around the village, so they did what they did almost everyday, and migrated out into the land on foot, only this time they sought to find new land.
After many days and nights out in the open, with many stops and hunting expeditions, the fellowship of animals would find a new home, better than the last. The trees provided shade and fruit, and the water ran through clearer than it ever had anywhere before. Unfortunately, this place doesn't exist anymore. Today, it's a McDonalds located right off of a frontage road.
And unfortunately for our ancestors, this newly-discovered oasis was already claimed by another tribe.
Here is where diplomacy came in.
"EGG OOG, GAGA, DAGADDA DA VIDA!"
(Me Oog we new land-seek now!)
"OOG DA GADOOGOO!"
(Welcome not Gadoogoo.)
"GOG DOO BOGGU, DOO-GOG!"
(Please, look at the situation from our perspective; this land bears more than enough resources for both yours and mine to thrive for generations to come. We are a peaceful people, as I'm sure you are as well, and if we could combine our efforts, we can achieve greatness - together. So whaddaya say, mac?)
"GORGA DOOG! GORGA DOOG!"
Must've been a misunderstanding, possibly due to regional differences in dialect, because after that last remark, many cavemen clashed. Eyeballs were sucked out of heads. Faces were ripped wide-open. Giant rocks were used to smash spinal cords. Many men were clubbed down, reduced to nothing more than lifeless, fleshy bags of bloodied shit and floppy bones. Women were pissed on by those who knew what to expect by the end of the battle.
A great period of time passed, and after much fighting, many deaths, and the occasional retreat in order to regroup, the remaining travelers gradually found themselves integrated with the occupants of their desired home.
And from that day foward, together they would drag in slabs of cold-blooded meat, back to their modest community, hidden in the snug of great monolithic trees and plants.
And there was even more sweet cave-poon... Gorga doog.
User Reviews
Submitted by The_Cyst_Master (user info) at 2006-06-16 01:45:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Anytime lover.
Submitted by Kent_Weirdo (user info) at 2006-05-18 02:06:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Thank you
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Submitted by The_Cyst_Master (user info) at 2006-05-14 11:10:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This post smells like my mother's anal cunt.
Submitted by Kent_Weirdo (user info) at 2006-04-12 22:30:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Wow, is this post really that bad?
Submitted by Kent_Weirdo (user info) at 2006-04-10 14:03:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Foolproof (user info) at 2006-04-10 07:39:55 (#)
Ranking: -2
Our ancient ancestors endlessly battled fierce thunderlizards with nothing more than a hard rock and a little of the old primitive instinct
Science class. Pay attention.
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Why don't YOU pay attention? It was a joke.
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2006-04-10 08:09:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by Foolproof (user info) at 2006-04-10 07:39:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Our ancient ancestors endlessly battled fierce thunderlizards with nothing more than a hard rock and a little of the old primitive instinct
Science class. Pay attention.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-04-10 07:13:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
meh with extra added shrugs
but Captain Caveman is the shiznit so +1
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2006-04-10 05:55:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Amusing.
Even just for this line
Oh yeah, and "G" was a vowel.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-04-10 05:48:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Meh.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-04-10 05:42:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
oooooooooooooooooooooook