The Dude Upstairs (Chapter 10) (1737 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 2 on 38 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Grimm <grimmjuice.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2006-04-10 06:59:55 EDT
It's been a few days since I've posted about the Dude, but he really was on his best behavior. Since our argument last Tuesday, I've noticed that he's being more quiet upstairs, has stopped slamming the front door, and had also stopped leaving me little presents.
I enjoy the peace and quiet, although I do miss the gifts.
Friday evening, I'm getting ready to head over to Danielle's house (see Chapter Eight for why) when I hear a really horrible metal-on-metal screeching noise come from the basement. As I pound down the stairs, I remember thinking to myself that I hope this will be something I can post on Uber with a smile, and not something completely tragic.
Arriving in the downstairs laundry room, I see the Dude and the guy who lives in the basement (I've barely spoke to him, we'll call him Tony) frantically trying to stop water flowing out of a pipe that was located behind the washing machine. In a split second, I'm reminded of the scene under the cookie store in Woody Allen's "Small Time Crooks".
The basement has about an inch of water covering the floor, but it's rising quickly. They shout at me to hit the cut-off, which is located in my part of the basement. I dash back in and cut the water, and return to the laundry room.
"What the fuck is wrong with you?!" Tony is yelling at Dude.
"Relax, man."
"Fucking relax? I have to live down here!"
"I'm sorry, I'll clean it up."
"And are you going to replace my fucking carpets too?" Tony asks, and he seems red-faced and I think he might take a swing at Dude. Dude is annoying, but Tony looks like he would take about a second and a half to completely dismantle him, so I step in.
"All right, all right." I say. "Let's all calm down. (Dude), what happened?"
"Nothing, man. I'll take care of it." Dude says
"I'll tell you what happened," Tony says. "This guy put every single pair of shoes he owns into the washing machine and the weight of it going around and around ripped the thing away from the wall."
I look at Dude, and sure enough, he's barefoot. I walk over to the washing machine, noticing that the back pipe assembly is all mangled. I open it up, and there are about 15 pairs of shoes - sneakers, moccasins, sandals, etc. in there. In addition, the water and shoes absolutely reek of gasoline. I shake my head and look at the Dude.
"What on Earth possessed you to do this?" I ask him, making sure that I'm between Dude and Tony.
"I spilled gasoline all over my shoes, so I had to wash them."
"How did you get - never mind - I don't wanna know."
Dude grins, and Tony lurches. I catch him and push him back, shaking my head at him.
"Wait a sec, even shoes wouldn't have enough weight to do this." I say, and notice how Dude looks away immediately. "What else did you do?" I ask.
Dude gives me silence. I look Tony, who seems busy trying to control a forthcoming aneurism. I once again go to the washing machine and pull out a wet sneaker. It's waaaay too heavy, and once I look inside, I see why. There's a half a brick wedged inside of it - I shit you not. I lift it out and show it to both of them, questioning Dude with my eyes.
Dude avoids my stare, so I pull out another shoe. Same thing.
"Start talking," I say.
"I was trying to be considerate of (Tony), I hate the sound of shoes flapping around in the washer. So I weighed them down."
"Shoes don't flap in the washer, (Dude). They flap around in the dryer."
Silence from all.
"Like I said - I'm sorry, and I'll clean it up."
"I'll tell you exactly what you're going to do. You are going to clean up this mess as best you can." I say. "Then, you're going to go call the landlord and tell him what happened, and tell him we need a new washing machine. Once you do that, I think you need to look for another apartment."
The Dude doesn't look surprised, he seems like he knew this was coming.
"Sure," he says. I beckon to Tony, and we both go upstairs to my apartment.
"Sorry you had to get involved," Tony says.
"Not a problem, I've been having a lot of problems with him too. I just wanted to make sure you agree with me about him leaving, before I call the landlord myself."
"Absolutely, he needs to be out of here. He's constantly drinking and hanging out in the laundry room when I'm trying to study." (Tony is going to Law School)
So Tony and I exchange a few stories about Dude, and he goes back downstairs after promising me he won't beat the shit out of Dude.
I go into my bedroom and change my shoes, socks, and pants. I give Danielle a call and tell her that I'll be there in five minutes, and apologize for being late. As I hang up, there comes the knock on the door.
Guess who?
"The landlord is coming over." Dude says.
"O.K., I'm on my way out, so let me know how it turns out."
"He wants to meet with us all, can you hang around? He'll be here any minute."
I weight my bloated sac in one hand and tenant responsibility in the other. I call Danielle again, give her a condensed version of what's going on, and in between giggles she says that she's coming over to my place, she wouldn't miss this for the world.
Since I have the largest space in the house, I get Tony upstairs and we each open a beer. Dude is still busy downstairs cleaning up when the Landlord arrives.
"What seems to be the trouble around here?" he asks.
So we tell him our stories, starting with the washing machine but expanding into a play by play of everything that's happened since I've moved in and Tony adds some of his own stories from before I got there.
Halfway through, Danielle arrives and sits on the couch in the Living Room. Towards the end, Dude comes up, dirty wet mop in hand, and leans against the wall looking sullen.
When we're finished relaying the saga to the landlord, he looks like he's aged about ten years.
"Well (Dude)," he says to Dude. "What do you have to say for yourself?"
"I got the right to remain silent." Dude says, deadpan. The four of us chuckle, despite ourselves.
"We're not calling the cops here, (Dude)" Landlord says. "But it seems like you can't live with these guys, you're making them miserable."
"I've been here longer than both of them."
"That's true, but to tell you the truth, your rent is always late, and you still owe me a month from six months ago."
"So?"
"So, these guys are always on time."
"Fuck that. How can you tell? (Grimm)'s only been here for a month."
"Sigh", goes the landlord.
"Look, (Dude)," I say. "It seems that we can go two ways here. Either you can move out ASAP, which the landlord doesn't seem like he would mind all that much, or you can start acting your age and stop interfering in our lives."
"You told my friends I was gay and that we were going to watch Breakfast Club, asshole!" Dude says, and his voice cracks. This reminds me of how young he really is, and not just his age.
"This is true. And that's after you left me a bunch of deranged presents, embarrassed me in front of my friends, got in the way of my sex life, and a host of other shit."
"I thought we were friends," Dude says, and that's when a tear comes out of his eyes.
I mean, do I need this fucking crap? Do I have to play wet-nurse to a fucking deranged teenage pothead?
Apparently I do.
"All right Dude, relax. Do you still wanna live here?"
"Of course. I can't really afford to go anywhere else."
"Do you think that you can stop doing all this wacky shit?"
"Yeah."
"Do you think that you can act your age? You are a fucking microbiologist - you should be smarter than this."
"Yeah."
"You're a microbiologist?" Tony asks, dumbfounded.
"Yeah," Dude says.
Tony stands there with a truly bewildered look on his face and drains his beer. I look at him, and he just kind of shrugs.
"All right," I say to the landlord. "He can stay, provided all this shit stops. One more tiny thing and we're going to want him out."
"O.K., boys. Call me if you need me," he says, seemingly relieved that he didn't actually have to do anything.
Tony shakes his head, thanks me for the beer, and heads back downstairs.
Danielle gives me a look that's two parts amusement and one part pity.
Dude looks at me, and then at the beer in my hand. I shake my head at him. He hangs his head, and goes back upstairs. A few minutes later we hear him go out, start his car, and drive away.
Danielle and I spent the rest of the evening together, although "monthly" problems got in our way of consummation. She did, however, finish what she started the other day.
So it wasn't a total loss. :-)
User Reviews
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-01-03 16:48:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Dervish (user info) at 2007-07-13 09:32:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I just read every single one of these, in sequential order.
You now owe me the following:
1. A new set of pants (peed them laughing)
2. A new keyboard (spit coffee on it repeatedly)
3. A written explanation to my boss as to why I spend the first half hour of work giggling like an idiot
You will notice that I did NOT include "the half hour I spent reading your posts". That was well-spent.
Good show.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2006-04-19 22:38:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by phauna (user info) at 2006-04-18 07:55:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude should have hit you back with that gay shit in front of Danielle.
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2006-04-11 06:32:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2006-04-10 18:45:43 (#)
Ranking: 2
1. We totally need a picture of The Dude.
2. Find out how the fuck he spilled gasoline all over every single pair of shoes he owns as this may be vital information in the quest to prevent seeing all your worldly posessions as smoldering rubble in the hole that used to be your apartment.
3. What did the landlord say about the fucking washing machine and chewed pipes? If you hit the main shutoff, that means none of you have water until that shit is fixed.
_____________________________
1. Fucking shit! I came so close last night, tune in to Chapter 11 later on for explanation
2. Again, Chapter 11, some point this morning.
3. The landlord was actually able to repair the washing machine once Dude was finished cleaning up, but I deemed that irrelevant to the story, probably in error. He used a little too much duct tape, I think.
Submitted by Hentrina (user info) at 2006-04-11 06:23:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You know you can't live without "the dude" - yes, he's a pain in the arse but he he's an uber-celeb now! We need our "dude" fix to get us through the 9-5... don't evict him!!
We might have to set up a "Save the dude" campaign...
Submitted by yhywstudios (user info) at 2006-04-11 04:02:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-04-11 01:57:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-04-10 19:13:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
one time I put a whole 12-pack of beer bottles in the dryer - boy is THAT loud
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2006-04-10 18:45:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
1. We totally need a picture of The Dude.
2. Find out how the fuck he spilled gasoline all over every single pair of shoes he owns as this may be vital information in the quest to prevent seeing all your worldly posessions as smoldering rubble in the hole that used to be your apartment.
3. What did the landlord say about the fucking washing machine and chewed pipes? If you hit the main shutoff, that means none of you have water until that shit is fixed.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-04-10 18:00:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 (two parts amusement and one part pity)
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-04-10 14:37:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Um I think BOSHman still lives at home
*giggle*
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-04-10 14:05:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What are the chances that we could get a picture of the "Dude." And seriously, this "dude" sounds a lot like BOSH. You should look into that...
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-04-10 13:54:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-04-10 11:36:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
so dude drove away, did he come back?
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-04-10 11:28:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-04-10 10:40:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this is a phenominal series..i'm enjoying it very very very much.
the gift giving is such a great tradition in the making. as housemates move in and out, that should be one of those things that continues for eternity.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-04-10 10:40:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-04-10 09:32:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That sounds like some sort of code...
My brain is deciphering it as "I'm bringing the drugs for the strippers"
Or something similar....ish
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2006-04-10 09:26:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-04-10 09:23:09 (#)
Ranking: 2
It's your duty as a man to go litter it with dogish perverted comments that will inevitably help my self esteem.
________
I have done as you asked. Thank you for this opportunity, and I look forward to working with you in the future.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-04-10 09:23:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahahaha. Yeah but I would bring ones that I went to high school with, which HAVE to be slightly less decrepit than the ones that have been down there for centuries.
BTW
Did you see my contribution to National Cleavage day??
It's your duty as a man to go litter it with dogish perverted comments that will inevitably help my self esteem.
Thank you.
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2006-04-10 09:19:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-04-10 09:14:58 (#)
Ranking: 2
That's true. The biggest Ubercon EVER.
I'll bring the strippers
______________
I reckon they have their own, but you can never have too many. *looks pointedly at your chest*
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-04-10 09:14:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's true. The biggest Ubercon EVER.
I'll bring the strippers
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2006-04-10 09:08:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-04-10 09:00:37 (#)
Ranking: 2
You're going to hell.
_________
That would be an awfully large UberCon - See you there :-)
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-04-10 09:00:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Shame on you for picking on the mentally inept!
You're going to hell.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-04-10 08:42:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
He put bricks in the washing machine. If he was an animal I would bury him alive.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-04-10 08:42:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
He's pretty tame compared with some of the people I lived with at university. They used to have massive fires taller than the house and have indoor snowball fights. I married one of them.
Submitted by DizzyMissus (user info) at 2006-04-10 08:38:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Entertainment at its best
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2006-04-10 08:33:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Rarely any spelling mistakes and my favourite series on uber. Absolutely fantastic.
Submitted by Leonfc (user info) at 2006-04-10 08:12:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Superb!
You guys should start the gift giving again. You could even involve (Tony) a sense of humour is vital to overcoming housemate quibbles.
You do need to lighten up a tad though...
Submitted by Harveyok (user info) at 2006-04-10 07:49:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Another fine addition to my favorite series on uber.
Keep it up chief.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-04-10 07:49:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I can't agree more - but I think he was as dumbfounded as we were - I mean, bricks in the washing machine? What do you say to something like that?
------------
"Get out" is a popular one, so I've heard. Also, "You're in violation of your tenancy contract. Get out." would also work.
He still sounds like a nice enough guy but bricks in the washing machine? What good would come of it?
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2006-04-10 07:37:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-04-10 07:35:11 (#)
Ranking: 2
If I was a landlord and one of my tenants put bricks in the washing machine, I'd throw them out without a second thought.
Makes you wonder what you could get away with as long as you just paid your bill on time.
_______________
I can't agree more - but I think he was as dumbfounded as we were - I mean, bricks in the washing machine? What do you say to something like that?
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-04-10 07:35:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If I was a landlord and one of my tenants put bricks in the washing machine, I'd throw them out without a second thought.
Makes you wonder what you could get away with as long as you just paid your bill on time.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2006-04-10 07:32:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Amen! You should be holding this guy up as a hero, not someone to try and throw out of your house I know college kids who activley try and get flat mates like him. At least he has a sense of humour! Long live the dude!
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2006-04-10 07:30:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-10 07:19:09 (#)
Ranking: 2
STOP BEING MATURE
____________________
Damnit, Red. You made me spill my coffee.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-10 07:28:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
He needs to suffer. Mentalists never get better.
Red devalues psychiatry at a stroke.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-10 07:19:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
STOP BEING MATURE