FUPA R#4 - The Modern Madonna (1261 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: poetry
Rating: 1.34 on 33 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Sacrilicious (View user info) at 2006-04-10 14:42:29 EDT
Bathed in this ghostly golden light,
No blue of the clear virgin waters,
I glimpse your secrets, sense your plight,
They thrive in all mothers and daughters
There's more to see than meets the eye,
Seems the good book is missing a page
So in your honor, I will try
To complete one for this modern age
Your archetype is fair and pure,
As the holy men need it to be
But with crimson halo, you assure
That in essence you share much with me
It burns with ardent blood and lust,
A hunger demanding to feed
Your archéd ecstasy in thrust,
Breasts ripe, skin aglow with your need
You were cast as maiden, then as wife
But those roles, they left holes in the plan
For harmony in mortal life
And the fusion of woman and man
They've stripped you of the feminine
With the claim that both sides can't adjoin,
That God won't find you're good within
If you feed on the fire in your loins
Your face whispers another tale
Of the union of living and dead
Your eyes reposed, but cheek unpale,
Trickéd tranquil smile knows of no dread
Salvation need not be the cause
For me to find beauty in death
I live not by those ancient laws
I believe that we die with each breath
The fruit you bore may save them all,
And your name may be hallowed and praised,
But first and foremost was your call
As proud woman for all of your days
And so dear Mary, we can share
The sacred, the yearning, the love,
And all who care should be aware
That all these are gifts from above.
User Reviews
Submitted by webcorona (user info) at 2007-01-09 11:29:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Stabkill (user info) at 2007-01-09 10:59:29 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-07-27 11:55:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hogan
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-04-12 20:18:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-04-12 20:09:52 (#)
Ranking: 2
I like that you're playing with different forms as this progresses.
There's something about the first handful of lines that doesn't mesh with me - something about addressing the painting and explaining your motives behind the piece.
I can't think of exactly what it reminds me of (which would help, because then I could compare the two and show you what I mean), but I think ultimately there's something about the call to action that takes me out of the moment.
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It's all true, O. I wish I knew what it reminded you of, too. I hate the form I chose- out of desperation, really. Also, it was rushed in a way so I think it's a classic case of "I know what I mean", but the reader very well might not.
I agree Bubba's is the better piece, by far. Your rating was more generous than I expected it to be.
Thanks for being so diplomatic. I thought you were going to slam me. In the nicest way possible, as is your way, of course.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-04-12 20:10:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Eagle.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-04-12 20:09:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like that you're playing with different forms as this progresses.
There's something about the first handful of lines that doesn't mesh with me - something about addressing the painting and explaining your motives behind the piece.
I can't think of exactly what it reminds me of (which would help, because then I could compare the two and show you what I mean), but I think ultimately there's something about the call to action that takes me out of the moment.
Once we get past "to complete one for this modern age," though, this gets really, really, really good.
Historical, religious and sexual all at once...very, dare I say, sacrilicious?
"We die with each breath" is a good line, too.
Though I should -2 you (and smack you repeatedly with the switch) for defeating me in Round 3, I will be fair and balanced and give this what it deserves.
Which is a 1.5
All apologies, but I enjoyed Bubba's start to finish, and it reads like you weren't sure how to get this rolling.
Submitted by Coleslaw_Murphy (user info) at 2006-04-12 10:52:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Scourge is so right! Though in my case, I connected more to Bubba's.
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v
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-04-11 19:21:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-04-11 10:45:39 (#)
Ranking: 2
The problem with ranking poetry in this competition...
It, poetry that is, is supposed to in the end be about the way it moves you, what piece of your grey matter it grabs onto and won't let go.
If your mom sings you a lullabye to rock you to sleep and then Pavarotti does the same...You love the one that your mom gave you and appreciate the one that the voice gave you. But love and appreciation are hand in hand, no? So mom gets the edge, right? She has the love and appreciation and all the warmth and...
She may not have mastery of the tools, but she gives you what you need with them.
She sang the song for YOU.
He sang the song for himself.
I'm babbling. I don't have the language to explain myself this morning.
I liked this entry better because I felt like I could to some extent imagine you reading it. There is a way to connect to the person behind it for me. It makes it warmer than your competitions piece.
Maybe that makes this a cheap vote, have O throw it out if you need/want to, but once again it's on personal reaction to the piece.
Winner.
Sorry Bubba.
_______________________________________________
Scourge: NEVER apologize for your personal likes or dislikes.
They are yours and yours alone, not subject to opinion. . .
Submitted by clairitea123 (user info) at 2006-04-11 17:40:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
rhyming well
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-04-11 10:45:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The problem with ranking poetry in this competition...
It, poetry that is, is supposed to in the end be about the way it moves you, what piece of your grey matter it grabs onto and won't let go.
If your mom sings you a lullabye to rock you to sleep and then Pavarotti does the same...You love the one that your mom gave you and appreciate the one that the voice gave you. But love and appreciation are hand in hand, no? So mom gets the edge, right? She has the love and appreciation and all the warmth and...
She may not have mastery of the tools, but she gives you what you need with them.
She sang the song for YOU.
He sang the song for himself.
I'm babbling. I don't have the language to explain myself this morning.
I liked this entry better because I felt like I could to some extent imagine you reading it. There is a way to connect to the person behind it for me. It makes it warmer than your competitions piece.
Maybe that makes this a cheap vote, have O throw it out if you need/want to, but once again it's on personal reaction to the piece.
Winner.
Sorry Bubba.
Submitted by gank (user info) at 2006-04-11 10:16:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
0.5, since I'm giving Bubba a 1.5
Submitted by gank (user info) at 2006-04-11 10:15:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I didn't count syllables, but it didn't flow well in parts. Some of the language was nice, though.
Submitted by Confuzitron (user info) at 2006-04-11 09:51:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
.5
Submitted by Confuzitron (user info) at 2006-04-11 09:51:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Solid 1
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-11 09:35:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/86485#1926815
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-04-10 23:06:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
See comments, Stag.
missy aggravation
some sacred questions
you stroke my locks
some marijuana
if you got some
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-04-10 22:58:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Didn't quite work. It was alright. Bit stuck for inspiration this round?
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-04-10 21:00:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-04-10 18:31:18 (#)
Ranking: 1
you know what the best part is...
you're willing to say that it's shit.
even if you don't beleive it, you're willing to say it.
but it's a characteristic we share (i often admit my work to be fecal matter)...
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I wouldn't be likely to say so if I didn't believe it was the case. I liked some of my lines, but it ends there.
This painting deserves better- a grandiose, free form piece, and I know it. I was lacking the ability to write one this week, and nothing else came to me. This format is too light for it, but it's what I had in me. Someday, I'll write it the right way.
And you know how I feel about your self-deprecation. But it's true, we share it, and that's why you're my favorite Georgia boy. Have some pie.
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-04-10 19:52:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Good effort, but I think the rhyme undid you a bit. It's well intentioned and often well worded, but the rhyme kinda hamstrings the flow a bit. It's still good, though.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-10 18:52:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The modern Madonna is a material girl.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-04-10 18:31:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
you know what the best part is...
you're willing to say that it's shit.
even if you don't beleive it, you're willing to say it.
i'm not saying that makes you a better peson, in fact it probally doesn't.
but it's a characteristic we share (i often admit my work to be fecal matter)...
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-04-10 17:55:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You guys are too kind.
I call it the lametastic ekphrastic, personally.
But it's one of my favorite paintings.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-04-10 17:30:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
The subject matter was enjoyable.
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2006-04-10 17:02:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-04-10 16:31:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wow, that was good
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-04-10 16:17:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-04-10 16:12:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-04-10 15:25:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-10 15:13:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Not quite a kicker of all arse. But still nice.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-10 15:09:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Clever use of 'é's and quite a nice poem.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-04-10 15:01:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-04-10 14:45:49 (#)
Ranking: 1
like a vir ir ir irgin! let your heart beat. next to mi ee i ee ine. ooo whoa oo oh ooo oh oo!!
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HAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-04-10 14:45:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
like a vir ir ir irgin! let your heart beat. next to mi ee i ee ine. ooo whoa oo oh ooo oh oo!!
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-04-10 14:43:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I promised I wouldn't forfeit or concede.
Sorry about this, guys.