Why can't I buy a meal without some yahoo trying to save my soul?! (1360 hits)
Category: GeneralLabels: pointless ranting
Rating: 1.79 on 42 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by shadow (View user info) at 2006-04-10 16:32:49 EDT
It's lunchtime at the office, and that means it's time for me to collect the order of all of my coworkers and trudge out into the wilderness hunter/gatherer style. Today's prey is handful of subs from the local deli, and if you wonder why I volunteer for these expeditions it's simple: beats being confined to my office for my lunchbreak.
I stalk up to the counter, my prey in sight. I prepare my weapon, a list of tasty toppings. I strike! But not before the guy in line next to me says "excuse me, I have something for you"
Always intrigued when a stranger has something (hoping it might be candy?), I halt mid-lettuce. "Huh?" I ask in my usual charming and eloquent way.
"Here" he says and puts a little religious cartoon in my hand. It takes me roughly half a second to see the little prayer on the propaganda cartoon and shove it back into his hand. "Excuse me" he says again, rather agitated "I'd like you to have this, I think you need it."
"No thanks" I say firmly, my own annoyance begining to show.
"Well, when you wind up in Hell, don't blame me."
What is that supposed to mean, "when", that's a bit presumptuous isn't it? How does he know I'm destined for Hell? Because I'm wearing my red shirt today? Because I have metal through various hunks of skin? Is it the tattoo? Is it some entirely unjustified and superficial assumption or is it the fact that I refuse to read a crappy little cartoon about how I'm going to Hell if I don't let Jesus into my heart TODAY?! I see what my mistake was, I was polite, I should have taken that little bit of paper and lit it on fire while he watched, or walked directly to the nearest trash recepticle and made it a point to throw it away within his visibility.
Here's a clue to the Bible thumpers out there: I don't need your salvation. I don't want your blessings. I sure as poo don't need to here about your God, your Heaven and your Hell. I don't need anyone to sneak "The Watchtower" into my coat pocket at the grocery store, and I don't need to hear your soap-box bs about the "one true god"
I have a hard enough time holding my tongue when I call a customer and get a voicemail with biblical quotes. I let it go because I'm calling them, it's their machine and they can do whatever they want, but when I am on the street minding my own buisness, I expect you to show me the same respect I show you and don't talk to me about faith.
Here's one better, last Tuesday I went out to my flatmate's restaurant to take up a booth during closing time. Munching on some buffalo wings, reading a book to myself. Nice peaceful time. From over my shoulder I hear a voice, "excuse me there, have you welcomed the light of Jesus into your life?" I continue to eat and read, only shaking my head "no". I think this is fair, I am acknowledging that a question has been asked but offering no futher interest in this person's request. The lady realizes that I am not looking at her, so she walks around the table and sits down accross from me...
She sits down accross from me?
What nerve! Did I invite you to join me? Did I call you over from your table to talk to me about your love of dead prophets? Why are you doing this?!
"I would like to talk to you about welcoming God into your blah, blah blah blah warble raaaarruuurrr blagghhhhhrrrrr..." I tune her out. I stare at her, my fury rising. My blue eyes flash with violent intent. My nostrils flare. The food and the book are forgotten, she has invaded my personal space and is trying to corrupt my sensibilities.
How do they always find me?
"I do not believe in your god, and I have no interest in talking about him" I reply. She utters some weak and confused protest. "If going to heaven means sitting at a table accross from you, I'd rather burn. If accepting your god means loosing my identity, I'd rather cease to exist. Have I made myself clear?"
"You're just saying that because you haven't seen the peace and joy that the Lord Jesus can offer you, if you'd just take a minute to read-"
"This conversation is over" I interupt, my temper is about to fly out of control. She continues speaking, now it really wouldn't be polite of me to stab an old lady in the eye with a fingerful of buffalo sauce and it has become clear that she won't leave my table. I do the smart thing, I get up and walk away, I take my book and head to the bar for a few minutes to calm down and have a smoke. I catch my flatmate on the way in and tell her what happened, she assures me I won't be hassled by the old lady again. Ungh... maybe I should've just poked her in the eye...
When I come back to my table guess what I find? Some more propaganda propped up right in front of my meal. Grrrrrrr.
I don't know, maybe it's me, maybe I'm the asshole. What is it about lil' old shadow that these nutjobs feel the need to purge the Devil from me? WTF?!
I'm going to eat my sub...mmmmm Tuna melt... in my religion free work environment. Ha, at least my boss is a Pagan, Cheers!
User Reviews
Submitted by Girlwithaclue (user info) at 2006-04-11 15:20:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Just drop to your knees and start bowing up and down yelling "Hail Satan".....
The mormons never came back after that!!
:)
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-04-11 15:08:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
People are fucking wacky.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-04-11 12:49:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My apartment building is like crack for those people.
Mainly because a few of my neighbors love teh crack.
Submitted by hoojAmAphut (user info) at 2006-04-11 11:56:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I was sitting in my moms apartment one day, and some bitch from some church came to the door.. I was polite, told her to fuck off basically... a couple of minutes later, there was someone from the same fucking church!! knocking on the door again! My mom saw the look on my face and the cuss words that were about to ensue, so she pushed me out of the way and told them to go away "we dont want none"
Submitted by Benny (user info) at 2006-04-11 01:34:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
One of the best things I ever heard a teacher say was whilst we were forming lines to go to religious education one Friday Morning. Just after the chemistry teacher said that the Catholics should line up where he pointed, he stated that the Jehovahs Witnesses should line up by the gas taps. Fuck that made me laugh. I can't believe he got away with saying it.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-04-11 00:11:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Halloween at Kent State University is a big thing. The police block off the streets down by the bars and allow thousands of people to roam around drunk in costume. It's suppose to be a fun night.
However, a few years ago a new "church" appeared in town, and began protesting, well... everything. (I later found out that this organization was more of a cult, the women dressing in all the same little outfits and they met in someone's fucking house!) Anyhow, they would march up and down the bar street with giant banners proclaiming our eternal damnation and handing out pamphlettes. I would mock them, but I was usually drunk when I saw them and with a nice group of people to keep me under control.
Then two Halloween's ago...
They showed up in force. Not only did they have the pamphlettes and the giant banners, but on this night, they were armed with megaphones. They were screaming into them, preaching THEIR word, of THEIR god. Telling all of us that we were going to burn, blah, blah, blah. I had just arrivied with a friend of mine, hadn't even made it to the first bar yet. We hadn't found the rest of our crew yet. So what happens when a Christian Zealot suddenly jumps into the face of a sober Kaos-King, screeching of fire and brimstone???
He attacks.
I'm not real sure what it was. Perhaps it was the "Christian Filth" comment. Perhaps it was because I spit in his face. I like to think it was because I turned around to his partner with the megaphone and punched the device squarely back into the lunatics mouth causing him to start bleeding. Whatever the case, the police came rushing over and I bolted.
Nothing is quicker to draw me to anger than Zealots. That's why I didn't go downtown this past year. I knew I would just get into another fight, possibly one I couldn't escape from. I guess the oh-so-pious were there, but not for long... they were chased out. Best part - I heard the "church" was shut down due to some "internal disention."
The Romans had it right... fucking lion food...
Submitted by pragmatic (user info) at 2006-04-11 00:10:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm a christian, albeit a rather backslidden one who enjoys sinning far too much. meh, I believe in God etc etc, HOWEVER I totally agree with you, there is almost nothing (excepot bad drivers) that drives me to rage quicker than someone approaching me trying to shove their religion down my throat. I know they are only doing something that they think will make your life better, in their eyes they're just trying to help you, but OMFG I usually tell them if they want to, they can come to my church (The happy clappy type variety) and they get scared and scuttle off.
Incidentally, Jehovahs Witnesses (The worst type of religious bother'ers) believe that there is a finite number of places in heaven (can't remember the exact figure) and to get into heaven, you have to be better than everyone else. this is achieved by recruiting as many new people as possible. Kind of a catch-22 really.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-04-10 23:07:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You get them on the trains in Sydney. There's one that prowls the inner city lines. He's a heavy mouth breather with coke-bottle glasses, and an accent I can neither place nor understand. Comes over to you and leans into your face, presents you with pamphlets and so on.
I was reading a book and I had headphones on last time I saw him, and this still didn't deter him.
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2006-04-10 22:54:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I always tell that sort of person that I'm a Deist. It usually confuses them enough for me to make an escape.
it's true.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2006-04-10 22:52:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I always tell that sort of person that I'm a Druid. It usually confuses them enough for me to make an escape.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-04-10 22:50:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Say what you will about the sweet miracle of unquestioning faith, I consider a capacity for it absolutely vile!" -Kurt Vonnegut
Submitted by Benny (user info) at 2006-04-10 22:49:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think freaks like this would actually make God angry not happy. There is a time and place for everything and when somebody is trying to buy food or is in fact eating, it definately isn't appropriate.
In high school, each month we had to go to religious education for a Friday morning. The people who ran it were complete losers. They actually showed us a video of an obortion to prove their point that it was wrong. They paused the picture and told us that "here you can see the baby screaming".
Submitted by Sinistral (user info) at 2006-04-10 20:44:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
your only going to hell if you beleive in it
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2006-04-10 19:51:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tell them their mother sucks cocks in hell
Submitted by AlexorGM (user info) at 2006-04-10 19:44:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2006-04-10 19:39:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
There's an empty spot I've always had inside me. I tried to fill it with
family, religion, community service. But those were all dead ends. I
think this chair is the answer.
-- Homer Simpson
Brother Can You Spare Two Dimes?
Submitted by Foolproof (user info) at 2006-04-10 19:36:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.wimp.com/mormons/
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-04-10 19:16:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate tuna but not as much as I hate religious freaks.
Submitted by Foolproof (user info) at 2006-04-10 19:14:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*starts the slow clap*
Submitted by Snalty (user info) at 2006-04-10 18:59:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You are a model citizen. Those religion-pushers are so obnoxious sometimes!
Submitted by DejaVu_Again (user info) at 2006-04-10 18:46:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Amen Brotha! haha
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-04-10 18:41:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-04-10 17:46:27 (#)
Ranking: 2
Every time I try to save someone's soul some yahoo comes around and tries to buy me a meal.
+
And every time i go to the soul market to do my days share of buying and selling i end up at the sandwhich market.
how can i expect to eventually pay off my student loans trading at a sandwhich market i ask you.
buy the way christian souls are down 3.2 at today's close. steady decline across the judeo/christian/muslim board. remind me to invest more in east asian souls...
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2006-04-10 18:39:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I had a friend back in high school who was a self professed Pagan. He and I lived two blocks from the "Kingdom Hall of Jehovah's Witnesses" so we got the rounds every saturday.
One fateful sunny day they passed by my house, I usually got them to go away by shouting in German through the closed door, but this day Mikey happened to be outside washing his dad's car. They approached and though I couldn't hear what they said, the outcome was Mike dousing them with windex and shouting something about holy water. It was the funniest assault on the devout I had ever seen.
Submitted by ConorJS (user info) at 2006-04-10 18:22:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
What the hell just happened? I hit rank, my computer flipped its shit, I wound up back here, made one edit and hit rank again. And posted the comment about twelve times...
Submitted by ConorJS (user info) at 2006-04-10 18:21:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sometimes, I wear a bullet and a spent cartridge around my neck. A few days ago, some Jesusite asked me why I felt the need to worship death.
After a moment, I responded - this on the fly, now - "Do you have a cross around your neck?"
He pulls out a silver cross, like I knew he would.
I then asked, "What's a crucifix used for again? You do know that Jesus Christ wasn't the only person ever crucified, don't you?"
And after a moment, "Would you rather die this way (holding my bullets), or that way (gesturing to his cross)?"
Pretty fuckin' brilliant for a 17 year-old, huh?
Submitted by ConorJS (user info) at 2006-04-10 18:20:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sometimes, I wear a bullet and a spent cartridge around my neck. A few days ago, some Jesusite asked me why I felt the need to worship death.
After a moment, I responded - this on the fly, now - "Do you have a cross around your neck?"
He pulls out a silver cross, like I knew he would.
I then asked, "What's a crucifix used for again?"
And after a moment, "Would you rather die this way (holding my bullets), or that way (gesturing to his cross)?"
Pretty fuckin' brilliant for a 17 year-old, huh?
Submitted by ConorJS (user info) at 2006-04-10 18:20:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sometimes, I wear a bullet and a spent cartridge around my neck. A few days ago, some Jesusite asked me why I felt the need to worship death.
After a moment, I responded - this on the fly, now - "Do you have a cross around your neck?"
He pulls it out, like I knew he would.
I then asked, "What's a crucifix used for again?"
And after a moment, "Would you rather die this way (holding my bullets), or that way (gesturing to his cross)?"
Pretty fuckin' brilliant for a 17 year-old, huh?
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-04-10 18:05:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You know those furry rabbit ears on a headband things. Carry around furry red horns, wear when approached, works for me.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-04-10 17:46:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Every time I try to save someone's soul some yahoo comes around and tries to buy me a meal.
Submitted by freshspinach (user info) at 2006-04-10 17:44:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
when one of the churls violate my space, I find it helpful to punch them as hard a possible in the sternum and/or gut and then, as they lay on the floor gasping for breath, urinate in their mouth. Usually gets my point across.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2006-04-10 17:38:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-04-10 17:25:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahahah that sucks dude. they are very pushy.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-04-10 17:25:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Those religious types tend to be attracted to me too, like here.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/51604
-Dave
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2006-04-10 17:23:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Tell them you are worshipping your own God. You've had a chat with theirs and he thinks it's a cool idea.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2006-04-10 17:01:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Pretty good. I hate tuna though. It's not your fault, it's chemistry's fault.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-04-10 17:00:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't get that so much.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-04-10 16:58:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-04-10 16:58:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by cuberat (user info) at 2006-04-10 16:55:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-04-10 16:47:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
mmmmm Tuna melt
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2006-04-10 16:45:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I used to get a TON of the little booklets when I worked as a desk agent for an airline. Oh man. It was so strange, too, you'd be checking these folks in and then just after you tell them what gate to go to, BAM, little booklet, a doofy smile, and a "have a blessed day." It ALWAYS threw me. I'm trying to move a flight's worth of baggage here, I have other shit on my mind, and then...Jesus. I don't know.
"Have you heard the news?"
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-04-10 16:34:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.jackchick.com for all your religious propaganda needs