FUPA, Round 4: Magnificent City (647 hits)
Category: Quotes & Stories -> PoetryLabels: Comp
Rating: 1.44 on 22 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Chris Parthemos <goferforhire.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2006-04-10 18:01:00 EDT
Beneath these streets, there is nothing:
Footfalls echo hollowly,
Mimicking music's resounding rhythms
Pounding the bass
While the muffled chatter feigns a melody.
We sing our lives,
Shouting to the girl in the window
As car alarms run the bridge.
Beneath these streets is a mystery-
Where does it go?
All the lights and sounds of the city
Running together in a gushing orchestra,
Trickling away to the booming ocean.
Is there a river here?
Beneath these streets,
A flowing stream of harmonic light
Pouring across the sidewalk
And cascading endlessly downward?
We play our parts-
Each life a harmony,
Each moment a note-
We vibrato nervously,
Cold in the rain
As we wait for the girl
To say, to sing
Something back, cascading down.
Beneath these streets, there is nothing:
And that is the saddest song of all.
User Reviews
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-06-20 02:41:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-04-13 10:06:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Orgasmo nailed it in the review.
I wanted to give this the rating it deserved now that the comp is closed. Again, I thought this was great, I just liked Circes better.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-04-12 20:15:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I dug this.
Different approach, different vibe.
While I think you could have taken the concept of music and the city a lot further than you did - particularly by combining weather and song - I think this wouldn't have been as satisfying if it was much longer.
I like it because it's a quick, dense moment in time. Much like a minute downtown or a movement of a tune.
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-04-12 17:18:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by gank (user info) at 2006-04-12 09:47:32 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm tempted to deduct points for not sticking to the theme. It was Nature/Art right?
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Yes- Cities are part of our world, and music is art. It's realism.
Submitted by gank (user info) at 2006-04-12 09:47:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm tempted to deduct points for not sticking to the theme. It was Nature/Art right?
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-04-11 21:46:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2006-04-11 21:05:06 (#)
Ranking: 2
This rating is an attempt to maybe equalize some of the damage done by alter-fallout.
You can understand how people would think it was you, surely.
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I sure do. Damn suspicious looking, isn't it?
I probably wasn't going to beat you anyway, though.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2006-04-11 21:05:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This rating is an attempt to maybe equalize some of the damage done by alter-fallout.
You can understand how people would think it was you, surely.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-04-11 18:03:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
meh
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-04-11 18:01:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
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using your alters to negatively rate your opponents is quite bad form.
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I really wish you would cut that shit out.
Both of you.
It's making me look bad.
No one's proven that I'm not an alter myself, and I'm being accused of using them...
Fuck
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-04-11 17:58:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-04-11 17:48:25 (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by clairitea123 (user info) at 2006-04-11 17:16:52 (#)
Ranking: 2
this one is good cuz it's creative and all that stuff...
would have been better if it rhymed
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using your alters to negatively rate your opponents is quite bad form.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-04-11 17:48:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by clairitea123 (user info) at 2006-04-11 17:16:52 (#)
Ranking: 2
this one is good cuz it's creative and all that stuff...
would have been better if it rhymed
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using your alters to negatively rate your opponents is quite bad form.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-04-11 17:47:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by clairitea123 (user info) at 2006-04-11 17:14:03 (#)
Ranking: -2
-2 for the picture
it's pretty but it destracts from the poem itself i think
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equalizer
Submitted by clairitea123 (user info) at 2006-04-11 17:16:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this one is good cuz it's creative and all that stuff...
would have been better if it rhymed
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-11 09:34:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I really liked this. It was innovative.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-04-11 08:28:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-04-10 22:59:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-04-10 19:28:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I enjoyed the comparison of life to music. Good job.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-04-10 19:22:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked this. It has a nice flow. I actually considered this exact same theme of urban nature, too. Interesting.
I like your stuff, gofer. I'm glad you joined the comp and I look forward to reading more.
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-04-10 19:06:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-04-10 18:52:28 (#)
Ranking: 1
big line big line big line big line big line
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The term is enjambment. Some people do it on purpose so that people who read their work with any intellectual determination will appreciate it more.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-04-10 18:52:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
big line big line big line big line big line
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big line big line big line big line big line
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Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-04-10 18:35:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
solid 'zero'.
it should've been a jazz piece.
like so:
"Droning a drowsy syncopated tune,
Rocking back and forth to a mellow croon,
I heard a Negro play.
Down on Lenox Avenue the other night
By the pale dull pallor of an old gas light
He did a lazy sway . . .
He did a lazy sway . . .
To the tune o' those Weary Blues."
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-04-10 18:31:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
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