Amazing Discoveries...That I’ve Just Recently Made (784 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.9 on 11 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Zod (View user info) at 2006-04-11 00:18:49 EDT
As far as getting work done or furthering my life for the better, this weekend was pretty much a complete and total waste. However, the startling discoveries I've been making are shocking even to me. In the last three days, my expectations for the human race have both risen and dived in staggering magnitudes. I have personally discovered things that have completely changed my outlook on the world around me. Let me explain.
On Saturday, I found myself lying in bed covered practically from head to foot in Double Stuf Oreo crumbs. As I slowly worked my tongue down the sharp wrinkles in my t-shirt, lapping up the brown and white remnants of cookies past, I happened to notice exactly what I was watching on TV. It happened to be that HGTV (Home and Garden TV) show "I Want That!" Why this channel was on my TV is beyond me, but I like new technological gadgets as much as the next person. Which is why I was surprised to see the greatest (read: insanely depressing) invention yet. It's called the GoDogGo ball tosser. Long story short, it's a machine that can hold up to four tennis balls and automatically hurls them varying distances so your dog is able to play catch with a robotic automaton. The top of the machine is a large bucket-like opening, where the user has to train their dog place the ball.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but if you're too lazy to grasp a ball, raise and pull your arm back and then quickly jerk your arm 45 degrees forward while releasing said ball, then how exactly will you find time to train your dog to place the ball in the launch tube? Obviously, you're a very busy person who has little or no time whatsoever to trouble themselves with high-stress activities such as bending over or closing your fingers in tandem. Why can't the machine teach the dog itself? For $150, I would expect at LEAST that much. The best part of the show was when they interviewed the obese man in the lawn chair, sitting beside the GoDogGo. He actually said, on camera, that it's great because "sometimes I'm just too tired to throw the balls." Wow.
If you're too lazy to engage in an amusing activity with your dog, then why even have one? I really don't understand all the automated mechanics that go into owning a pet. If you own machines that automatically feed, groom, play with, and dispose of the feces of your animal, then why even own one? Do these people sigh in disgust every time they catch a glimpse of their dog while it's not being vacuumed by a robot caterpillar crawling up its spine?
My utter disgust for mankind, however, was spun around and kicked in the ass on Sunday. Why, you ask? I have discovered......the Chalupa. Yes, that's right, I said Chalupa. The heavenly mixture of savory ground beef and shredded cheddar cheese mixed with the garden variety of garden variety vegetables. The innards of the Chalupa are pretty mainstream for Taco Bell, as in they're the innards of ALL their items. But the shell of the Chalupa defies human description. It's soft and supple, yet with a subtle shadow of crunchiness forever on the horizon, always just out of reach. The bubbles that caress the shell hint at a holy birth, each one seemingly filled with the soft breath of an angel. Every bite sends glimpses of the Rapture through my every nerve, and I can feel God's hand on my shoulder, squeezing ever so gently after each chew and subsequent swallow. I can almost hear his forbidden voice whispering, deeply but with great love, "Go ahead, let the Chalupa encompass your very soul, and be not afraid."
User Reviews
Submitted by EntityErased (user info) at 2006-04-13 03:50:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Gold.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-04-11 12:47:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2006-04-11 09:15:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The Crunchwrap Supreme is the best thing TB ever came out with. Try it.
Regarding GoDogGo - I've had several dogs - and they all seem to know the toss the ball game. They all have had a problem with the other half, the bring the ball back game. If they won't bring it back to me for a treat, why would they give it to a machine? They're just gonna bury the ball, piss on the machine, and then come give you a kiss.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-04-11 06:54:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Christ on a stick that looks tasty.
They always do till the greasy spod behind the counter hands it over though...
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2006-04-11 06:34:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow.
I'll have to try Taco Bell. When I'm up there. In June. Yes, my dear Zoddy, I can see you THIS YEAR. So there. Email me.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2006-04-11 04:05:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yeah. is it me or is uber really maintaining a higher-than-usual standard of late?
there is nothing surprising to me about the depths of laziness to which humanity will sink. we buy dogs on christmas that are in pounds by february, because we are unable to cope with the exceedingly simple task of dumping some slop in a bowl once per day, and going for a walk for 20 minutes with said canine companion. for this menial labour one recieves a companion which will give unconditional love for the term of its life.
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2006-04-11 03:52:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't get the Chalupa. part...but what the hey.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-04-11 01:33:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2006-04-11 01:01:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am sure they will invent the robotic dog to cath and return the balls thrown by a robotic arm, hours of fun and amusement for the obese and no turds to have to pick up.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-04-11 00:50:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Auto +2 for absurd...
But I'm more of a Gordita man myself. The Chalupa shell is too... sweet?
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-04-11 00:24:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hilarious. Especially the chalupa part.