Uber, Assemble!!! (part 3) (1161 hits)
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Rating: 1.97 on 54 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by kaos-king (antius777) (View user info) at 2006-04-11 05:49:51 EDT
UBER HEADQUARTERS...
Commander Rad sat in his office behind his desk, contemplating the paperwork laid out before him. Axolotl and McCallum had worked together on possible locations of Method's lair and different scenarios on how to penetrate it. The boy genius had been more than earning his keep, as he was doing extra work on the strategic end while McCallum searched for various heroes around the globe.
The sound of a familiar energy signature manifested off to his left. Rad gritted his teeth but refused to look up.
"Greetings Rad," floated a voice into his mind.
"What do you want, Firefly?" growled Rad.
"To converse with you," the ancient entity replied.
"Unless you're here to offer your help, I have nothing to say to you," Rad said without looking over at her.
"You know I am bound by Higher Laws not to interfere with the dealings of mortals," Firefly entered slowly into his mind.
"And yet your husband fights beside us? Bullshit!" Rad swore turning to her finally.
"That was Razor's choice and for it he was stripped of his Divinity," said Firefly.
"What exactly do you want, old one?" questioned Rad.
"To let you know," said the goddess, the slightest bit of emotion crossing her face, "that the end draws near."
SUPER SECRET VILLAIN HIDE-OUT...
Habeeb was bored. He hadn't mutilated, sodomized, or painted anything in hours. His new pal, The Cyst Master, was off with that weirdo ShitFuck. They were down in the dungeon still, probably playing with the remains of Gascs. Habeeb was jealous. He wanted body parts to play with.
"Fusion, fusion, fusion," he whispered to himself while looking around the room for something to distract him for a little bit.
The mob boss Shlongy was drinking scotch with the pirate Scourge and talking about golf. Between sips of his single malt, he was stealing glances at Mistress Fist who was directing the alters to clean the dinning table after their feast. Scourge appeared bored.
Bosh, DOS, and DeathJester were examining one of The Dude's fancy new weapons. DeathJester was impressed, but DOS felt that external weaponry was a liability. You couldn't knock his weather manipulation abilities out of his hand, he reasoned. This sparked an argument, much to DeathJester's amusement.
Just then, Sphagnum the Hate Monger came back into the room. Habeeb's eyes lit up and he started to get out of his chair to pursue him. However, Sphagnum saw the madman and guessed at his intentions. The master of negativity threw a bolt of pure hate at the lunatic, knocking him back in his seat.
Habeeb frowned and began to pout. As he was contemplating suicide to end his boredom, Caulaincourt stormed out of the restroom and took a seat at the head of the recently cleared dinning table. The Quebec Quartermaster folded his arms tightly across his chest, his face full of disdain.
"Whoo! Go Sox!" giggled Habeeb, lifting himself from the chair.
UBER HEADQUARTERS...
"No, I will not have sex with you, Axolotl!" said Ghola loudly.
"Wait, what? I didn't... no, I never..." sputtered the boy genius.
The Ubermen obliged the young man with the time honored point-and-laugh.
Their training regiment was over, and the team was now relaxing in the lounge. Ghola and Axolotl were playing ping pong in the far corner, and the little ninja had used the opportunity to embarrass the youngest recruit once again. PolyAJ and Phinch had gone out to pick up food and the rest of Ubermen sprawled about the room.
"How did training go guys?" asked BigMike coming in the lounge.
"Went great," replied BRDN NKD.
"Where were you?" asked TigerLily.
Apollo laughed. "BigMike's an old one. Training might rupture his colostomy bag."
"That's enough out of you, you limey bastard," said BigMike with a grin.
"Um," started Munkeypants, "is Mockidol asleep already?" and pointed to one of the couches.
Crystle looked over at the form of Mockidol draped over the cushions and sighed. "No, he's passed out. He drank a fifth of bourbon after training."
"Who the hell does that?" questioned Apollo raising his eyebrows.
"Mockidol," replied the elder Ubermen in unison.
"So I'm really excited to meet Professor Bart-Bart!" exclaimed Munkeypants. "When do you think I'll be able to?"
A quiet fell over the room, while BigMike and TigerLily exchanged glances.
"You'll, eh... have to talk to Commander Rad about that," said BRDN NKD.
SUPER SECRET VILLAIN HIDE-OUT...
Shlongy wasn't paying attention to what the dipshit pirate was saying. It was true, he loved his golf game. But there was one thing he loved more than golf, even more than money and power - pussy. This little syndicate of Method's had been one big sausage fest up until he got a glimpse of Mistress Fist. Sure, she was the big man's gal, but things could change quickly. Especially in this line of work. He would just have to make sure that he was in a position to...
"Away from me, you degenerate!"
Pulled from his thoughts, Shlongy looked over to see a chair toppled over and Caulaincourt standing beside it with clenched fists. The maniac Habeeb was dancing around him, giggling like a school girl. Shlongy shook his head quickly, trying to figure out what he was seeing, what would have caused the Quebec Quartermaster to explode like that.
Then it hit him and he started laughing.
Habeeb had unzipped his pants and his manhood was out, flopping around as he danced.
The room erupted into laughter echoing Shlongy's.
"Decadent scum!" bellowed Caulaincourt. "How dare you touch me, let alone with that filth! I'll sever it off and stuff it into your mouth!"
Caulaincourt jumped forward, but was suddenly tackled by a dozen alters. He struggled beneath them, swearing in French. Habeeb continued dancing about, now masturbating furiously.
"Enough!" said Method, throwing open the doors at the end of the room as another dozen alters tackled Habeeb.
"I'll not stand for this injustice, Method!" screamed Caul beneath the alters. "I demand that you allow me the satisfaction of..."
"I demand that you shut the fuck up, Caulaincourt," said Method pleasantly. "You're all here for a reason and that's to help me destroy the Ubermen once and for all. If you can't play nicely with each other, I'll have the alters escort you down to join ShitFuck."
Method's other selves released the two. Habeeb fixed himself and Caul brushed himself off, alternately giving deadly looks to both Method and the maniac who had touched him.
"This isn't over," the Quebec Quartermaster hissed.
"You're right, it's not," said Method. "Come everyone. I have one more surprise."
UBER HEADQUARTERS...
"What do you mean, Firefly?" asked Rad. "The end of what?"
"Why are you a hero, Rad?"
"What?"
"What is the difference between you and Method?" asked Firefly.
"Well, besides the fact that Method is an evil, murdering cock sucker?" questioned Rad.
"But why is he an evil, murdering, eh... individual?"
"Fuck, I dunno Firefly! Why are any of the criminals I put in the Gulag bad guys? It's a path they choose," said Rad.
"Do you really think that?" asked Firefly.
"What are we talking about here again?"
"The end, Commander Rad," said Firefly.
"And I repeat, the end of what?" growled Rad, growing impatient.
"I'm sorry, I can not tell you that," sighed the comic entity.
"Then why the hell are you here?" screamed Rad.
"Good luck, Rad," said Firefly as she began to vanish, just as his office door opened.
"Rad, who the fuck are you yelling at?" asked TigerLily, glancing around the room.
"No one, TL," lied the Commander. "No one at all."
SUPER SECRET VILLAIN HIDE-OUT...
"It's very simple my friends," said Method as the small jet plane came to a stop behind him. "While we are making selective hits on the remaining heroes who have not answered Professor Bart-Bart's call to action, an army of my alters will be teleported into the Uber Compound as a first wave attack. Thanks to Gascs's Uber crystal shard, of course. Transporting them directly into the room that houses the McCallum Computer, he will be destroyed before the Ubermen are even alerted to their presence. With their main security down, and hopefully a few of the bastards killed or injured, they will be unprepared when we make the second attack."
Most of the men present laughed or nodded in approval.
Caulaincourt stepped forward. "That sounds all well and good, but don't you have to be present to control your alters? I highly doubt you're going to lead this attack."
Method smiled. "Correct. That is why I had an old associate of mine take care of that problem for me. Follow me."
The King of Alters lead them across the small airstrip to the jet plane. Its door was opening and a man was climbing out of it. He turned, saw the group coming his way and gave a brisk salute in way of greetings.
"Oh shit, that's Wardy," chuckled The Cyst Master.
Once the syndicate had gathered at the plane, Method continued. "I believe most of you know Wardy, or at least are familiar with his work. Wardy here has been examining my powers for quite some time. He and I have devised a way to create something... else. Something other than an alter that will lead the first wave. Something that, just upon first glimpse, will shake the Ubermen to their foundation."
"Method, I'm still not sure about this..." tried Wardy.
"Nonsense, bring it out," laughed Method.
A collective gasp rose from the assembled, even from Habeeb.
Once she had been a hero. Then she had been betrayed by a fellow crime-fighter and in a rage she had killed him. Shunned by the meta human community, she had slowly drawn into herself. Then the ridicule began, and so did her decent into madness. In her insanity, she had discovered new powers and started to lash out, killing indiscriminately. It was one of the Ubermen's first missions to take this former hero down, and she was killed in battle.
Her clone, her independent alter, stood in the doorway of the jet.
"May I present, Urbane Mischief," smiled Method.
User Reviews
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2006-05-19 10:43:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-04-22 17:41:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this is way better than reading a real book on a rainy saturday. you rule.
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-04-19 15:37:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-04-17 13:02:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-04-15 02:21:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Marry Me
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-04-14 20:36:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OH NOES, THE MISCHIEF!!
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2006-04-14 14:36:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*flashes DOUBLE thumbs up*
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-04-14 08:40:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-04-13 16:34:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
whoops. missed this!
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2006-04-13 15:05:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oh my dear and fluffy lord, the return of Urbane!!!
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2006-04-13 10:49:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2006-04-12 16:18:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't reckon I'll make it in here, unless it's a casual remark....
Like someone getting shot in the back and a flippant "it hadtobedone". Damn it.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2006-04-12 15:44:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"So I'm really excited to meet Professor Bart-Bart!" exclaimed Munkeypants. "When do you think I'll be able to?"
A quiet fell over the room, while BigMike and TigerLily exchanged glances.
---------------
dun dun dun...
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-04-12 11:49:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
how'd I miss this?
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2006-04-11 19:10:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-04-11 17:22:22 (#)
Ranking: 2
*sigh*
-Dave
--------------------
awww add Dave in this story. He never complains about these things.
He just loudly sighs.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2006-04-11 18:35:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Apollo laughed. "BigMike's an old one. Training might rupture his colostomy bag."
I laughed my ass off at this.
I'm like the old guy comic relief.
I better have super old guy weapons like a +20 sword of erectile dysfunction or a Cloak of prostate Cancer or something.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-04-11 18:34:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-04-11 17:14:41 (#)
Ranking: 2
Rusty or no, you're still going down.
And by going down I mean dying, not blowing me.
Though maybe once you've fallen to my might...
===
No, no my sweet little hermaphrodite. No blowing of any kind, thank you.
Remember the good old days? Back when you were my first Uber girlfriend? I miss those days...
**sigh**
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-04-11 17:22:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*sigh*
-Dave
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-04-11 17:14:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Rusty or no, you're still going down.
And by going down I mean dying, not blowing me.
Though maybe once you've fallen to my might...
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-04-11 17:14:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ALL HAIL THE UNCANNY UBERMENZ
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-04-11 17:08:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-04-11 17:03:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by mockidol (user info) at 2006-04-11 16:01:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-04-11 15:44:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-04-11 11:23:23 (#)
Ranking: 2
Like your rusty pirate sword could stand up against the might of my many, many, many, many, many, many guns. Or Sofie's hotness controlling my every move.
==
My sword is not rusty. And Sofie is a figment of your imagination. The King of Pop is the true user under that name. MJ IS MJ.
But the woman in those pictures IS scrumptious...
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-04-11 12:54:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
RULE!
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-04-11 12:54:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this is so fucking lame.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2006-04-11 12:03:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this is awesome.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-04-11 11:36:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
rarrrrrrrr
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-04-11 11:23:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Like your rusty pirate sword could stand up against the might of my many, many, many, many, many, many guns. Or Sofie's hotness controlling my every move.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-04-11 11:20:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
MEANWHILE, AT THE HALL OF SUPER BEST FRIENDS...
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-04-11 11:00:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-04-11 06:51:32 (#)
Ranking: 2
DUN DUN DUNNNNN...
INDEED.
auto +2 dipshit me. Even without the name drop, balh blah blah. I like this series a good deal. I just hope I get to kill some people before I die. Specifically Orgasmatron.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-04-11 10:54:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Shlongy should be kicking more ass and getting more beave.
Just a tip to keep this deal more interesting.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2006-04-11 10:52:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*ahem*
That is all.
Submitted by The_Cyst_Master (user info) at 2006-04-11 10:44:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I want to be engulfed by Urbane's gash.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-04-11 10:43:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Caulaincort's haughty language is too funny.
As was the rest of this.
And I'll +2 anything with flopping dicks.
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2006-04-11 09:38:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+1 because im a villian
+1 because of this:
"Bosh, DOS, and DeathJester were examining one of The Dude's fancy new weapons. DeathJester was impressed, but DOS felt that external weaponry was a liability. You couldn't knock his weather manipulation abilities out of his hand, he reasoned. This sparked an argument, much to DeathJester's amusement."
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-04-11 09:26:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-04-11 06:26:28 (#)
Ranking: 2
You know, in a fit of vanity, everytime I read one of these I furiously punch CTRL + F in the hopes my name may pop up.
I need to stop doing that.
=======
Me too.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-04-11 09:20:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Uh oh...
Urbane has returned, with the Supah Secret Ultimate Happy-Happy Smile Hello Fun Fat Fingers of Doom!
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-04-11 09:08:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh NOES!!!
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-04-11 08:54:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahahahaha....I literally about fell off my chair laughing at the Habeeb-Caul interchange. Best installment yet!
Now, when's the Cap'n gonna make an appearance, hmmm?
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-04-11 08:36:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is the first series I've enjoyed in...well, at least today.
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2006-04-11 07:02:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-04-11 06:53:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Decadent scum!" bellowed Caulaincourt
See NOW I just picture him as a 17th century french dandy. White make up, wig,fake mole, the works
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-04-11 06:51:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
DUN DUN DUNNNNN...
Submitted by Magic_Monkey (user info) at 2006-04-11 06:45:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*le gasp !* not Urbane !!
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2006-04-11 06:33:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Exactly.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-04-11 06:31:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And that's what makes you the boss of me, I suppose.
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2006-04-11 06:27:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't bother doing that.
I KNOW my name is going to be in it.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-04-11 06:26:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You know, in a fit of vanity, everytime I read one of these I furiously punch CTRL + F in the hopes my name may pop up.
I need to stop doing that.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-04-11 06:07:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha dude this is seriously fucking awesome story telling
""Fusion, fusion, fusion," he whispered to himself" cracked me up
Otherwise, this is really really excellent, name dropping aside, since this seems to be a problem with people.
Great job.
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2006-04-11 06:04:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I BETTER NOT be one of them.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-11 06:01:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And why not?
Submitted by georgemichael (user info) at 2006-04-11 05:59:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
i could be killed, why don't you kill me
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-04-11 05:51:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yes, this is going somewhere - I have a full plot scripted out.
Next chapter... I kill lots, and lots, and lots, and lots, and lots of people...