The Dude Upstairs (Chapter 11) (1807 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.9 on 50 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Grimm <grimmjuice.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2006-04-11 07:19:36 EDT
I arrive home from work on Monday to find Dude washing his car in our shared driveway.
On the right side of the house are two garages, separated within by half inch plywood. Mine is on the left, his is on the right. The guy downstairs doesn't get one, and he parks in the street
So I pull my car into the driveway and Dude considerately stops hosing down his car long enough for me to get out. We haven't spoken since the debacle on Friday, so I pause before going inside.
"How you doing?" I ask.
"Fine." He says, and that's when I once again smell the reek of gasoline
"Why does it smell like gas?"
"It's my car."
"What's wrong with your car?"
"Remember how my shoes got gas on them?"
"Not likely to forget it."
"I had one of those plastic things in my trunk full of gas and it leaked on my shoes."
"You're not supposed to put those things in your trunk."
"What? Why not?"
"Not sure, it's the same for propane, I think because the enclosed space leads to fume buildup." I explain to the fucking microbiologist who should know better.
"Yeah, well, it leaked."
"On your shoes."
"Yup."
"Which were in the trunk."
"Yup."
I stare at him a few moments. No further information seems forthcoming, so I say goodbye and head inside. At the door, he calls me back.
"Yeah?" I say
He gives me what can only be described as a nasty look.
"Something wrong?" I ask.
"That was such bullshit the other day."
"If you're referring to you putting bricks in the washing machine, you're right."
"Man, why do you have to be so up tight?"
I look at him for a moment, and I decide that I need to make one last-ditch effort to explain the facts of life to Dude (as I see them). If I don't at least try explaining obvious things to him, then a small part of me will feel guilty when he does get thrown out, which I know is just a matter of time.
So I invite Dude inside. I give him a beer and sit him at my breakfast bar. I start making a snack, and I talk to him.
"How much do you pay for rent?" I ask.
"Why?"
"Just tell me."
"Five hundred plus ¼ of the utilities." He says.
"O.K., so say that's $600 per month. Times twelve months and that's over seven thousand dollars that you pay every year to live in this house, right?"
"Yeah." He finishes his beer and I give him another, although I intend to cut him off at three.
"And in exchange for the seven grand, you get a one bedroom apartment, heat, electric, laundry facilities, and a garage/driveway, right?"
"Yeah."
"There's something else you get for that money, something that isn't so much spelled out as inferred."
"And that is?"
"You get the right live your life on your own terms, provided it doesn't interfere with others."
"Ah."
"See where I'm going? I pay double what you do every month, so it is even more important to me to make sure that I get what I'm paying for. For me, the most important things are peace and quiet. I don't care if you throw a few loud parties, provided it's only on the weekend and the cops don't come. I don't care if you play loud music, as long as it's not at two in the morning. And, I don't care that you leave strange, but funny, presents for me - provided it's nothing dangerous or illegal. Peace and quiet to me means that I have to waste very little of my time and energy keeping my lifestyle in order. Cleaning up your empty beer bottles or managing a flood in the basement violates my sense of peace and quiet. Do you follow me?"
"Yeah." He finishes his beer and I get him number three.
"Now, I'm sorry I had to be a prick and bring the landlord into it, but I was at my wit's end, and I really thought (Tony) was gonna start kicking your ass."
"Fuck that gay asshole. I can take him."
"No, you can't (Dude). I'm not sure I could take him, and I know I could take you."
"I could take you both," he says, standing up and getting pissed.
"Sure," I say. "But we're getting away from the point-"
"You think I can't take you guys? That's bullshit, man. You two are probably fucking or something." He says, then takes his beer and leaves the apartment.
"That went well," I say out loud to the empty kitchen.
After a few moments, I hear "We Will Rock You" by Queen being played upstairs. I have to smile. When I hear the song end, I play "Eye of the Tiger" from the Rocky IV soundtrack at high volume.
My song ends and I give him a few minutes of silence to see if our little war will continue. It does.
He plays "Y.M.C.A" by the Village People. I laugh for the first 30 seconds of the song, then I frantically look through my CD's.
I come back with "Movin' On Over" by George Thorogood.
As soon as it ends, he plays "Won't Do What You Tell Me" by Rage Against the Machine.
So next I play "Stuck in the Middle With You." by Stealer's Wheel, and start writing all these songs down so I can get the Uber post right.
I sit there waiting for the next song, but one doesn't come. Instead, there's a knock at the door. I open it to find Dude.
He is dressed in boxer shorts and a muscle T shirt. He's wearing boxing headgear and boxing gloves. He gives a couple of weak looking air jabs and bounces on his toes while I stare at him with a smirk on my face.
"Beee-otch!" he says with a grin.
"Uh-huh." I say with a smile.
"You wanna go outside?"
"Not unless you have protective gear for me too."
"Pussy!" he says, and bounces some more.
"Can I take your picture?" I ask.
He looks confused and stops.
"What?"
"Can I take your picture?"
"No. Why?"
I want to say: "Cuz there's this whole online community that loves your exploits and wants to see a picture of you."
But instead I say: "I just think it would make a good picture."
"No way."
"I'll give you twenty dollars," I offer, thinking about my Uber hit count.
"Just to take my picture?"
"Yeah."
"I don't have to blow you or anything?"
"Haha. No."
"No way."
"C'mon, just one picture."
"Fuck you, man. You wanna fight?"
"Not unless I have gloves and headgear too, or you can take yours off."
"No way."
"Fine. Can I ask you a question?"
"Um...yeah."
"Did you know your boxer shorts have a gap in them?"
He looks down and sees that his shorts are gapping where that little useless pee-slot is, exposing his pubic hair but thankfully not his tool.
"Shit" he says, and readjusts the shorts. He doesn't make eye contact as he goes back upstairs.
Balls.
I was THIS close to the mother of all Camwhores.
Sorry Uber.
You'll have to take this image search instead:
User Reviews
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-02-16 15:07:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by littledan (user info) at 2008-02-16 14:36:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Won't fuck up the ranking, but:
Eye of the Tiger is from Rocky III,
and "Won't Do What You Tell Me" By RATM is actually "Killing In The Name".
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2008-01-23 04:28:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
crap!
ive been following this like a an ass sniffing dog...
i cant get a mental image of this guy, i would like a pic
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-01-03 16:51:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Dervish (user info) at 2007-07-13 09:31:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I just read every single one of these, in sequential order.
You now owe me the following:
1. A new set of pants (peed them laughing)
2. A new keyboard (spit coffee on it repeatedly)
3. A written explanation to my boss as to why I spend the first half hour of work giggling like an idiot
You will notice that I did NOT include "the half hour I spent reading your posts". That was well-spent.
Good show.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2006-04-19 22:46:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2006-04-11 19:59:59 (#)
Ranking: 2
After 11 chapters of "The Dude", you have officially crossed into the territory of "My Nigga".
Submitted by phauna (user info) at 2006-04-18 08:00:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You don't own a pair of boxing gloves?
Fag.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-04-12 15:30:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
make sure you answer the door with a camera from now on.
Submitted by chgable (user info) at 2006-04-12 04:29:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You would have gotten a lifetime of +2s for that picture
Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2006-04-11 20:42:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by pragmatic (user info) at 2006-04-11 20:26:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is a very long running series, I'm still giving you +2's and I still want MORE!
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2006-04-11 19:59:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, duct tape. Got it. I can't see that lasting too long or turning out right at all, but fuck it. It's not my basement. It is, however, Tony's apartment so he's going to have to deal with the consequences if he doesn't bitch about a proper repair job. C'est la vive.
After 11 chapters of "The Dude", you have officially crossed into the territory of "My Nigga".
Werd.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2006-04-11 19:55:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Okay, that sort of explains the gasoline-soaked shoes. I still don't know why all his shoes were in the trunk of his car though.
What about the pipes? Did the landlord have a plumber come over that night?
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-04-11 17:36:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-04-11 17:35:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I sent you an email
*giggle*
Submitted by the_thorne (user info) at 2006-04-11 17:22:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Even with him in gear, and you in none...I'm sure you oculd have kicked the shit out of Dude.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-04-11 14:00:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you douche - you should have bet him, if you won, you get to take his picture!
Submitted by evesapple (user info) at 2006-04-11 13:25:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Lurleen, I can't get your song outta my mind. I haven't felt this way
since `Funky Town.'
-- Homer Simpson
Colonel Homer
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2006-04-11 12:59:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
best one yet
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-04-11 11:44:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Aw man I gotta wait til I get home to do that
*sobs emo tears*
Submitted by hyprspacd (user info) at 2006-04-11 11:38:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
He's taking funny talk.
-- Homer Simpson
Like Father, Like Clown
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2006-04-11 11:25:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Check email Peon
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-04-11 11:16:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you you you you you you you
I'm beginning to wonder if the dude is just a lil figment of your imagination
YOU
Submitted by littledan (user info) at 2006-04-11 10:48:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm pretty sure you meant "Killing in the Name" by Rage Against the Machine.
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2006-04-11 10:41:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-04-11 10:24:11 (#)
Ranking: 2
Sorry Grimm I personally won't give detailed info on anything bj related until AFTER you camwhore.
I'm a bitch like that
_________
Camwhore of me or the dude?
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-04-11 10:24:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-04-11 10:24:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sorry Grimm I personally won't give detailed info on anything bj related until AFTER you camwhore.
I'm a bitch like that
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2006-04-11 10:13:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2006-04-11 10:00:27 (#)
Ranking: 0
Come on, you can give me a better comeback than that! That was really lame.
__________
I apologize.
There will be no more Dude stories until the females send me email in which they describe how they will give me head when we meet up. If we don't meet you're off the hook, but I still need the email.
The men will have to paypal me $1, which will cover their Dude Dues is perpetuity.
God, if only this would work.
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2006-04-11 10:00:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Come on, you can give me a better comeback than that! That was really lame.
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2006-04-11 09:40:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2006-04-11 09:15:14 (#)
Ranking: 2
Now Grimm, you can't be that naiive to think that they care one little bit about the stress involved in producing Dude stories. They only care about getting their fix of the Dude.
Face it man, you've become a dealer of a commodity called the Dude and you've created a bunch junkies for your commodity. You can't blame them really, it's your fault for starting it.
___________________
I've invented a drug thats fun and has no side effects and there's no way to profit from it!! Balls!!
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2006-04-11 09:15:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Now Grimm, you can't be that naiive to think that they care one little bit about the stress involved in producing Dude stories. They only care about getting their fix of the Dude.
Face it man, you've become a dealer of a commodity called the Dude and you've created a bunch junkies for your commodity. You can't blame them really, it's your fault for starting it.
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2006-04-11 09:01:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-04-11 08:48:24 (#)
Ranking: 2
more frequent posts re: the dude are sorely needed
_____________
I post 3-4 of them a week!! How much more do you want?? While you guys may find this entertaining, keep in mind this is my life!!! More Dude posts would mean more antics would mean more stress for the poor Grimm.
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2006-04-11 08:58:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-04-11 08:48:59 (#)
Ranking: 2
You should tell him about us, and perhaps after reading some of his own antics it'll be a mini self-help session for him. Then he might even consider letting you camwhore him.
_____________________________________________
I have thought of telling the Dude about this site, but have decided against it.
1. - He knows my real name, job, address, phone number, shoe size, etc. I don't trust him enough not to release these details.
2. - I have painted him in an unflattering light, to which he may take offense. In retaliation, he could post unflattering stuff about me - my ego can't handle it.
3. - Even if I HAD gotten a pic of him, I would have been forced to white out his face/identifying features, since I've spoken about his antics including drug use, which could give him legal grounds against me (slander and defamation of character come to mind)
It sucks to have to think about this kind of shit, but..."Readiness is all". At least with the way it is now I can demonstrate that I've gone out of the way to keep him anonymous. If this goes on long enough, I may have to think about writing some sort of novel re: the Dude.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-11 08:57:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ADRIAAAANNN
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-04-11 08:48:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm pretty sure that I was the one who started requesting pictures of this dude...pretty sure, but not positive. I'm borderline -2ing you for your anticipation build up only to have a "ooh shit" release. You should tell him about us, and perhaps after reading some of his own antics it'll be a mini self-help session for him. Then he might even consider letting you camwhore him.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-04-11 08:48:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
more frequent posts re: the dude are sorely needed
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2006-04-11 08:39:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i love this series.
dammit, get a picture. we need a picture.
Submitted by AlexorGM (user info) at 2006-04-11 08:33:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wow. i was so excited for the camwhore. :P
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-04-11 08:32:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I need a roomate
-2 FOR NO DUDE CAMWHORE!!! Sneak in while he's sleeping... he already thinks your ghey.
What could it hurt?
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-04-11 08:31:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well you've tried your best with him. You certainly could not be held accountable in any way for his putting bricks in the washer. Which was proper mental.
I don't particularly want to see a picture of him. I have my own picture in my head when you mention him and the reality can only be a dissapointment.
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2006-04-11 08:28:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I need to see a picture of this douche bag.
Submitted by Leonfc (user info) at 2006-04-11 08:25:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My favourite one yet!
You two are destined to end up best buds
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2006-04-11 08:03:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If I said it once I said it a million times, best series on uber.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-04-11 07:41:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You should have socked him one.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-04-11 07:39:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahah you are both mental.
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2006-04-11 07:36:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Okay Grimm *wipes emo tears*, I guess that'll have to be good enough.
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2006-04-11 07:32:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I knew you'd all be unhappy about it. To make up for it I will try to take some camwhores of my apartment so you can all at least see where this stuff goes on.
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2006-04-11 07:30:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah man Grimm, that would've been priceless.
Damn, I was all excited for the picture.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-04-11 07:30:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If I was going to fight someone and one of us would have gloves and headgear I would want it to be the other guy.
His punches will hurt less, be easier to block, and you can still get good shots to his face whils your hands are protected from the hard parts of his head.
Submitted by fuzzy_buzz (user info) at 2006-04-11 07:27:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What a shame. Was all excited about a camwhore.