“Up the bum, no babies!” – And the pinch and roll method explained (2234 hits)
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Submitted by ozzy (View user info) at 2006-04-11 10:35:21 EDT
We've all had that problem, lads. One minute you'll be sitting cool, calm and comfortable, and the next you'll be wriggling about like a maggot on yesterday's pizza.
You know what I'm talking about; the inexplicable annoyance that is an itch or discomfort on your groin.
At this point I feel obligated to advise that this post is aimed at educating the ladies, although you men should be able to nod along too.
There are several reasons why your man's hand may come in contact with his groin, or the lower abdomen area. It is not necessarily because he feels the need to play with his bits to be reminded of his manhood, but often, this will still be the case.
Today I thought I'd take you through on a journey through the many different types of "groinal" discomfort, and each highly individual and distinct male response.
Scenario 1- He just caught a glimpse of an enormous set of tits, and needs to cover the marquee being erected in his pants.
This scenario can be easily identified by the immediate "hand in pocket reaction". A two handed, hands in BOTH pockets response usually indicates a very rapidly expanding mongrel, a mongrel which needs to be quickly and efficiently covered up on the sly.
This technique is particularly effective when combined with thoughts of Queen Elizabeth II spitting out her teeth to give you a kiss.
Scenario 2- His "fucking new boxer shorts" are riding up his quacker.
If you see a man pulling down from his upper thigh, and holding his shorts/trousers in place at the waistband, you can be sure there is definite "quackage". In the event of severe quackage, a set of forceps may be required to assist in the recovery of the under garment from the deep, dark depths.
Scenario 3- A sudden, localised itch develops on the cajooblies.
A simple technique is employed for this ailment, namely, the pinch and roll method. Essentially, the man gently pinches a portion of the scrotum between thumb and forefinger, and rolls the two digits in a manner similar to an imminent booger flicking. This can also be employed directly on the schlong, though care must be taken by the "rollee" in this instance.
The relief provided by this method has been compared favourably to busting out a load of baby batter after a week of "White pointer" watching in the Spanish costas.
Scenario 4- Standing with beer in one hand, constant readjusting of genitalia with the other, sport on the TV
This pose is the modern day equivalent of the "beat ground with club" displays of our caveman forefathers. Women should steer clear of the man in this pose, for her safety would be at risk should she block the TV. (Unless she's bringing more beer)
Scenario 5 - Man walks into emergency room with two hands holding a bag of ice on his equipment, walking as though he has a reef shark stuck in his smelly freckle. (Usually accompanied by a smirking woman.)
In this instance, one of two things has happened
a) It is possible the man has enthusiastically adopted the well thought out philosophy of "Up the bum, no babies!"
In his over enthusiasm, and while relishing his obvious wisdom, he forgets to lube up sufficiently and snaps Wee Willy Winky.
Or
b) Man gets drunk at horse racing meeting, and runs the length of the straight naked after the last race on a dare. There is just no way his jolly roger will come through this unscathed. It will be bruised from flapping in the breeze and smacking into thighs for a quarter of a mile, and in addition receive a wicked grass burn to the shaft after being crash tackled to the turf by security.
Men, your dangly bits will be injured if you streak at a sporting event.
Scenario 6- Constant scratching of the entire groinal area.
The poor sap was conned. That's right, he was conned into shaving his entire area a few weeks prior, by some heartless seductress with a glint in her eye who promised never ending blow jobs if his groin were hairless. For the record, using a pinecone is the best implement for relieving this kind of itch.
Well, there you have it. What a man is really doing when he has his hands anywhere near his groin.
Don't forget next week's instalment: How to remove the evidence when you go out for a curry and 20 pints, only to come home and shit the bed in a drunken stupor.
User Reviews
Submitted by xanderd (user info) at 2006-04-18 06:30:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-04-12 06:45:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-04-12 03:14:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm in Joburg hey. I'll drop you a mail with my cell number too.
I must say, the route you're taking is one of the best... The Garden ROute along the coast to Cape Town is mind blowing. FLy safe, let me know when you're in town.
Later.
Submitted by Blinkish (user info) at 2006-04-11 22:27:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-04-11 22:19:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Take care Ozz-man!
Submitted by hooch4 (user info) at 2006-04-11 22:07:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This ruled. Great content. Great pic to end on.
Submitted by BrownEyedGirrl (user info) at 2006-04-11 18:50:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for "cajooblies"
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-04-11 16:42:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
one of the more worrying things I've ever seen is when i turned around to find the guy that had been shagging me, lying on the floor, naked, clutching his package and writhing around on the floor.
Severe bruising and unable to wank/ have sex for ages. I wonder how he explained that to his girlfriend!
that is a strange pair of sentences.
Submitted by pragmatic (user info) at 2006-04-11 16:23:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Farewell Ozzy
And... for the record... men can *ahem* 'snap' their penis whilst having normal sex too.
one of the more worrying things I've ever seen is when i turned around to find the guy that had been shagging me, lying on the floor, naked, clutching his package and writhing around on the floor.
Severe bruising and unable to wank/ have sex for ages. I wonder how he explained that to his girlfriend!
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-04-11 15:43:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
How to remove the evidence when you go out for a curry and 20 pints, only to come home and shit the bed in a drunken stupor.
---------------
I'm guessing you do that on a regualr basis.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-11 15:36:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-04-11 12:35:23 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-11 12:18:43 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-04-11 11:13:45 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-11 10:38:27 (#)
Ranking: 2
I know someone who snapped his banjo string while masturbating. His mum (who was a nurse) had to take him to hospital.
----------------------
Huh??? He was playing with himself and the banjo at the same time???
I'm confused.... like that's hard
---
Banjo string. Part of the male anatomy.
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I never heard of that one. What does it refer to?
---
The Taste of Monks will know the technical name.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-04-11 15:25:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nice
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-04-11 13:19:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pinch n' roll, very good.
But it only itches after you shave the first time or two.
WHAT?
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-04-11 13:12:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-04-11 12:59:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"walking as though he has a reef shark stuck in his smelly freckle"
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Submitted by ih8u2man (user info) at 2006-04-11 12:49:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Up the bum indeed!
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-11 12:47:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah - this could be a circumcision issue methinks.
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2006-04-11 12:37:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah the pinch and roll. I know thee well.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-04-11 12:35:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-11 12:18:43 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-04-11 11:13:45 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-11 10:38:27 (#)
Ranking: 2
I know someone who snapped his banjo string while masturbating. His mum (who was a nurse) had to take him to hospital.
----------------------
Huh??? He was playing with himself and the banjo at the same time???
I'm confused.... like that's hard
---
Banjo string. Part of the male anatomy.
-----
I never heard of that one. What does it refer to?
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-11 12:18:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-04-11 11:13:45 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-11 10:38:27 (#)
Ranking: 2
I know someone who snapped his banjo string while masturbating. His mum (who was a nurse) had to take him to hospital.
----------------------
Huh??? He was playing with himself and the banjo at the same time???
I'm confused.... like that's hard
---
Banjo string. Part of the male anatomy.
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2006-04-11 12:17:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
or c) actually has a reef shark stuck in his smelly freckle
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-04-11 12:17:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"quacker"
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2006-04-11 12:09:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh heh heh... cajooblies.
I feel that men who shave their wangs look weird. Unless they're the hairless type of guy. But if you've got a little fuzz on your belly, then shaving the pubes ruins the happy trail and makes you look weird. Don't do it. Stick to keeping it trimmed (no itchies that way) and shave the ol' sack.
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2006-04-11 11:19:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hehehehe.... cajooblies.... hehehehehe
I love reading your stuff and I'm sorry to see you go. Thanks for all the quality entertainment and travel safe.
If you take any bad-ass pics in Africa, I'd love to see'm: mygnnss123.at.gmail.com
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-04-11 11:13:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-11 10:38:27 (#)
Ranking: 2
I know someone who snapped his banjo string while masturbating. His mum (who was a nurse) had to take him to hospital.
----------------------
Huh??? He was playing with himself and the banjo at the same time???
I'm confused.... like that's hard
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2006-04-11 11:10:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh, and rest assured I'm not the grumpy bastard I appear to be on Uber. :p
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2006-04-11 11:07:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Cheers CT and phuzzy.
Believe it or not, you two guys are some of the people I've had the most contact with on this site, and I've certainly enjoyed reading the stuff each of you have written.
I'm sure I'll check back to read the occasional post from time to time, I'll even drop the occasion +2 for each of you.
Which part of Saffa land you in phuzzy? I'll be travelling from Joburg to Durban, then along the coast to Capetown. If you're anywhere along the way I actually wouldn't mind going for a Castle or two.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-04-11 11:07:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm going to miss you Ozzy.
Don't let the bastards grind you down.
Submitted by hyprspacd (user info) at 2006-04-11 11:01:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Burns: Well, Simpson, I must say, once you're been through something
like that with a person, you never want to see that person again.
Homer: You said it, you weirdo.
Mountain Madness
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-04-11 10:59:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-04-11 10:58:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-11 10:38:27 (#)
Ranking: 2
I know someone who snapped his banjo string while masturbating. His mum (who was a nurse) had to take him to hospital.
----------------------
YEOWCH!!!
ozzy - I've always enjoyed reading your material. Best of luck to you and enjoy your travels.
Submitted by erosion_rules (user info) at 2006-04-11 10:56:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-04-11 10:46:33 (#)
Ranking: 2
Happy trails, gringo.
I try that Elizabeth II thought at some point this week. Typically I just think of the Holocaust, but I'm slowly building an immunity to it so I need something new.
==================================================================
I always end up thinking about the Jewish women getting fucked by the German shepherds, and the boner gets more fierce.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-04-11 10:48:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahhahaahhahahhahah cajooblies!
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-04-11 10:46:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Happy trails, gringo.
I try that Elizabeth II thought at some point this week. Typically I just think of the Holocaust, but I'm slowly building an immunity to it so I need something new.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-04-11 10:45:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Cheers dude.
Safe travels. If you stop over in Saffaland, and feel the need to contact a random stranger for beer, let me know.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2006-04-11 10:42:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2006-04-11 10:38:40 (#)
Ranking: 2
I knew a guy named Shorty - well, no, okay, his NAME was Richard but we called him Shorty - who would use "Up the bum, no babies!" as a pickup line, and when ordering in a restaurant, and when meeting his girlfriends' mothers.
....Shorty? Is it you?
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Ha ha ha. No Circe, I'm definitely not Richard, Dick, Shorty or any combination of the those.
I actually first heard that saying from a guy I travelled with a couple of years back. He too used the "Up the bum no babies line" to try and pick up.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-04-11 10:41:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
illuminating!
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2006-04-11 10:38:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I knew a guy named Shorty - well, no, okay, his NAME was Richard but we called him Shorty - who would use "Up the bum, no babies!" as a pickup line, and when ordering in a restaurant, and when meeting his girlfriends' mothers.
....Shorty? Is it you?
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-11 10:38:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I know someone who snapped his banjo string while masturbating. His mum (who was a nurse) had to take him to hospital.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-04-11 10:38:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2006-04-11 10:36:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Game over. I'm out, Uber. Gone. Retired. This post will be my last act. You don't give a fuck (no one knows who I am), but I'll explain anyway.
I didn't want to do one of those half arsed "retirement" posts we're all so fond of, because, well because they're fucking lame. At least this fucker has CONTENT. Shitty content, but content nonetheless.
Why am I out?
My UK visa finishes in a few weeks, and I'll have no need to be entertained at work for long periods at a time. When my visa finishes, I'll be heading to Africa for a couple of months of travel, then back to Australia to live for a little while, where no doubt I'll have a job where I'll actually have to work.
I haven't gotten to know any of you, but that was a conscious decision on my behalf. From what I do know of some of you, many of you seem like lovely people. There are some quality writers too, and I do hope to be involved if an Uber book comes to fruition (obviously not as a writer). Hell, if no one does anything about it, I'm just as likely to contact some of you for permission to publish your stuff when I get back to Australia.
So, best of luck to you all, thanks for keeping me entertained for the last year or so. If even one person liked the stuff I've written, well I've done better than I thought I would.
If y'all want to contact me for any reason, give me a shout- prattter1.at.yahoo.com.au. No ladies, I'm not available to strip for your fucking bachelorette parties.
Peace, bitches.
My best stuff
http://www.ubersite.com/m/85635 - I'm prepared for the end of the world, are you?
http://www.ubersite.com/m/81950 - The Great pubic hair debate
http://www.ubersite.com/m/80128 - Kick the midget
http://www.ubersite.com/m/74621 - If you really cared about nature, you'd masturbate in the shower