John’s a moron (712 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -0.57 on 23 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by LittleMonster (View user info) at 2006-04-11 10:38:18 EDT
Just a little post about the high light (tee hee) of my week.
Fuck it - this is going down in the book of legends, if he had wiped himself out, I would be writing to the Darwin awards.
Monday morning,11: 34am, I'm trying to get my head around some retarded scrotums excuse of a progress report, when I received a phone call from my boss. After asking how everything was in my office and inquiring after my own well being and health, in a guarded and somewhat sheepish voice he told me the reason for his call.....
He was in hospital; with sever concussion, second degree burns and toxic poisoning from inhaling a noxious substance and he needed me to cover his ass for a week or two.
After a few minuets of chit chat I managed to drag out of him how it had happened. The following story of how he managed to get in this state left me sat on the floor shaking with laughter. At the same time, ramming my fist in my mouth so he wouldn't hear.
I could not make this up if I wanted to.
My boss (let's call him John) has a lovely apartment on the nice side of town, very exclusive and very expensive. The down side to this is that the buildings are never built to any great hight, which means the apartments are still reachable by the mosquitoes. Nasty little shits.
So, the night before John had gone to bed in hope of a good night sleep, as he had been burning the candle at both ends for some time now and was feeling a little worse for wear. It's still spring here and John thought nothing of leaving his balcony windows open that night, for a bit of a breeze to keep him cool while he slept.
John's a moron.
Within half an hour his room was humming with Mosquitoes. He tossed and turned, ignoring the ever incessant and disturbing buzz, until they started to bite. It was now 3am and John could take it no longer. He was on the verge of tears and can't have been thinking straight. Instead of closing his window and spraying his room with bug spray, giving it ten minuets to clear, and then settling down for the night. John, being the dickless wonder that he is, decided to spray (I mean drench) himself with a very noxious bug spray (not too dissimilar to RAID - just cheaper and a lot more hard core).
Unfortunately for John, this did not stop the mosquitoes, it just made his skin burn and his breathing labored. In the end, he decided to shut the window and empty a full can of this bug spray into his room and retreating to the safety of his kitchen to fix him self a large whiskey (or three). Drank in rapid succession, the Whiskey had a somewhat dramatic and heightened affect on my poor dilapidated boss when mixed with the gut rotting and highly volatile bug spray, because it would appear that when he walked back into his still smog filled bedroom, he tripped over his lamp cord, not only resulting in him cracking his skull open on his bed end, but also plunging his room into darkness.
John's not too bright and must have lost his presence of mind at this point...........because he reached on to his bedside table to retrieve the nearest available light source so he could find the plug point to which he would re-attach his lamp.
The light source in question was his Zippo Lighter.................
He lit a Zippo lighter next to his bug spray saturated body, in his gas filled bedroom.......................
FUMPH
Hehehehehehe
Toast.
User Reviews
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2007-05-27 02:20:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Deserves a higher rating.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-02-08 19:16:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
dowry
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-11-29 20:50:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh yeah?
"TEE FUCKIN HEEE HEEEE."
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2006-04-12 06:27:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
And who the fuck is Gordon anyway?!
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2006-04-12 06:26:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Maybe I am a Japanese school girl.....or want to be.
Beano - dont be a cock sucker. John owns the company, he's a rich mother fucker, doesn't make him any less of a twat, and just because I work for him doesn't say shit about me, you worthless glob of monkey cum.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-12 04:49:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Shite
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-04-12 04:30:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-04-11 12:24:32 (#)
Ranking: -2
I'm with Shlong on this.
The 'tee hee' made me stop dead.
It makes you sound like a 12 year old Japanese schoolgirl.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BWAH HA HA HA HAH AHAAA
Submitted by Cyrus (user info) at 2006-04-11 17:50:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No screens on your planet?
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-04-11 16:53:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
written in a very boring stylee
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2006-04-11 13:44:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
John's not too bright
John is a moron
John is a dickhead
John is your boss.
What does that make you?
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2006-04-11 13:44:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by angel_2k01 (user info) at 2006-04-11 10:41:39 (#)
Ranking: -1
i thought 'gordon is a moron?' oh well.
---
"'Not that poof', I said, dismayed,
'Yes but he's no poof' she cried - 'he's more a man than you'll ever be'..."
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2006-04-11 12:56:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-04-11 12:24:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I'm with Shlong on this.
The 'tee hee' made me stop dead.
It makes you sound like a 12 year old Japanese schoolgirl.
Submitted by gonefiguring (user info) at 2006-04-11 12:11:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Shenanarama.
Submitted by erosion_rules (user info) at 2006-04-11 12:04:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Not all too far fetched. My science teacher in 9th grade lit a fart with a bunsen burner during class, and he ended up burning a hole in the ass of his pants, as well as giving himself a napalm colonic with his own fumes. He still walks funny to this day.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-04-11 11:40:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
There'a approximately 350 Englishmen, women, and Filthy on Uber and none of them have thrown a fucking (tee hee) at me and meant it, lately, assjack.
Horseshit excuse.
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-04-11 11:28:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2006-04-11 11:19:43 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-04-11 10:53:05 (#)
Ranking: -2
I liked the title but have to -2 you - and stop reading this piece of shit - right after (tee hee), ya fucking knobgobbler.
.............................................
I'm English.....so sue me mother fucker.
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So I am, and I don't say tee hee. I'd rather snort my own public through a hookers crack straw than say tee hee
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2006-04-11 11:19:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-04-11 10:53:05 (#)
Ranking: -2
I liked the title but have to -2 you - and stop reading this piece of shit - right after (tee hee), ya fucking knobgobbler.
.............................................
I'm English.....so sue me mother fucker.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-04-11 11:02:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
SHENANIGANS
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-04-11 10:59:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-04-11 10:53:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I liked the title but have to -2 you - and stop reading this piece of shit - right after (tee hee), ya fucking knobgobbler.
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2006-04-11 10:51:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
John's a mormon?
We need to get this new information down to the lab and check it for semen.
Submitted by angel_2k01 (user info) at 2006-04-11 10:41:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
i thought 'gordon is a moron?' oh well.