Afterlife In Limbo - Part 5 (736 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: afterlife
Rating: 1.15 on 22 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jason (View user info) at 2006-04-11 15:14:46 EDT
Afterlife In Limbo - Part Five
http://www.ubersite.com/m/85540 -- Part One
http://www.ubersite.com/m/85827 -- Part Two
http://www.ubersite.com/m/86062 -- Part Three
http://www.ubersite.com/m/86324 -- Part Four
--
I'd settled into my room rather well over the past few weeks. I lucked out somehow and got a sweet suite with a view of good part of town. Pleasant TV, free movies, Jacuzzi tub, it was nice.
By now, everything had pretty much settled into a rather decent routine, too. We were allowed to do basically whatever we wanted, but we were always somewhat compelled to do whatever Moses told us to do. He had this sort of leadership quality about him that no one could quite explain.
"Wake up early and find a reason to be out of your room, so housekeeping can clean your room and go home."
"Eat everything on our plates because you are growing young men and women."
"Quit turning jewelry into bovine forms."
"Stop pissing off the balcony onto Eric while he practices his thumb wrestling."
You know, stuff like that.
And today started off like any other, with a wakeup call, breakfast and a shower.
Then things started to get a bit odd. Normally, that would be a nice change of pace, but not today. You see, I was sitting at the desk in my room, trying to figure out 34 Across.
*knock* *knock* *knock* "Housekeeping?"
I always noticed that the housekeepers seemed to form it as a question, instead of an announcement.
"No thank you, not today."
*knock* *knock* *knock* "Housekeeping."
She seemed a bit persistent, so I thought the better part of valor would be to go to the door and let her know that I didn't need another mini-bottle of shampoo today.
Of course, I'm sitting around in my shorts and I'm lazy, so instead I just yelled it from my chair.
"I'VE GOT ALL THE SHAMPOO I NEED, THANKYASOMUCH!"
See?
*knock* *knock* *knock* "HOUSEKEEPING!"
With my concentration now splintered, I decided to give up on the crossword and shoo the nag. I got to the door, and swung it open, fully expecting to unleash a barrage of hate and vitriol.
It never got that far.
As the door swung, a youngish woman rushed through the door, ripped it out of my hand and closed it behind her.
"It took you long enough, you dolt," she huffed as she walked into the room. "What does it take to get a door open for housekeeping anymore?"
I stood there, staring for a second and shook my head to clear the confusion in my brain.
"Who the hell are you?" I asked.
She was paying no attention. "Nice room you got here. A suite, huh?" she asked as she looked around. "You got an extra bed? Maybe a foldout couch or something?"
"Who. ARE. You?"
"What? Oh, uh. Yeah. I guess this is awkward, huh?" She walked back to me. "My name is Mary for now." She stuck out her hand. "Hi, how are ya."
I slowly reached out to return the shake, and answered, "Name is Mike. Why are you here?"
"Oh, just hiding is all," was her quick reply.
"Alright. Hiding from what, particularly?" I queried.
"Not a what," she said as she again walked away from me into the room. "Who is more like it."
I'm a bit exasperated by this already. My day had been all planned out. Breakfast, shower, self-gratification, crosswords, self-gratification, running, lunch, TV, a game called "kickball", dinner, self-gratification, sleep. No where in there did I have an opening for "harboring a loony."
"Alright then," I sighed. "Who are you running from?"
"Job," she shot back almost instantly, like she was waiting for that question.
"Wh..."
"He owns the motel I'm supposed to be staying at. The man is a raving lunatic." She pushed on the mattress of my bed, and I guess she found it acceptable, because she sat down. "He won't do anything around the motel, because he's always bitching about how God made his life horrible, and then mocked him in some big old book."
"Well, that sounds pret..."
"And that's not the half of it!" she shouted over me. "The beds are straw mats! No TV's! Just volume after volume of bad poetry! I can't STAND it! And let me tell you ab..."
"OKAY!" I shouted as loud as possible. Her jaw shut with an audible clap, and she stood from the end of the bed.
"You're in your shorts, you know?" she said as she shot a glance down at my animal print boxers.
I had totally forgotten about this fact, and now, upon having my memory taken out for a jog, I was more than a bit embarrassed. Now, a quick reminder for everyone. Being quite embarrassed and reaching quickly for a pair of jeans is not a safe combination of actions.
I found this out the hard way since I was, in fact, embarrassed, and yes, I did in fact reach for a pair of jeans.
I warn you of this, because when these things are combined, the result is usually a slip on a misplaced puzzle book, a stumble for balance leading into the grand finale of a dive headfirst into a coffee table. At least as far I can I tell, that is.
Next thing I heard, besides the buzzing and ringing, is a few voices. Mary had obviously already been there, but the commotion of me falling to the floor and shaking everything for a few rooms brought Paula from next door, as well as a chap from across the hall that had moved in a week or so ago, named Petey.
"Aye aye cheel, Foos yer doos?"
"What did this William Wallace say?" asked Mary.
Ey, ya minging wifie, I'll skelp ya fer that!"
"Bring it on, Angus!" she replied.
"Me name's Petey!" he said, harshly.
"Sheepfucker's more like it!"
"DAFT KUUNT!"
Great, I'm on the floor, gone to it all, and they're name-calling.
"Guys, guys! He's waking up a bit, can one of you get the ice?"
Ah, Paula. He's always the voice of reason, for some... uh... reason.
"Mike. Hey, c'mon Mikey, wake up, man," Paula says as he lightly slapped my face.
Of course, lightly for him is just about brutal for most normal people, so I was well on my way to being awake by the second slap. Unfortunately, there was another good four or so slaps before I could get myself awake enough to move my hand to block him.
"Sonofabiscuit, Paula," I whined. "I'm not Tina Turner, damnit."
"Who?" he asked, as he stood up and offered a hand.
I took it, and he pulled me up to my feet. I walked to a chair and plopped down, as Petey and Mary walked back into the room, both with full ice buckets.
"Didn't you watch TV last night?" I responded to Paula. "There was a movie called 'What's Love Got To Do With It' about some woman named Tina Turner getting her shit kicked by her husband and then leaving him to sing in short sequined dresses and stuff."
"Ah, I missed that one."
"Here's yer ice, Mike," interrupted Petey as he pushed the bucket towards me. "Awful bad fall, huh?"
Mary pushed him out of the way, and shoved her bucket towards me as well. "Here's some better ice, Mike."
"What makes yer ice better?" Petey shot back.
"Woman's touch, kiltgrabber."
"Mind yer tongue, ya gipe hoor!"
And with that, Mary slapped Petey.
And as she did that, Petey tried to block it.
In doing so, both had to let go of one side of their respective ice buckets.
Guess who got covered in ice. Just guess.
"ALRIGHT PEOPLE! SOMEONE GET ME MY DAMN PANTS!" I shouted. Which wasn't smart, seeing as how I had just knocked myself cataleptic grabbing for those said pants. The yelling, I mean. Yelling and headaches are always bad bedfellows.
Before either Petey or Mary could grab them and tear them apart, Paula nicked my jeans off the floor and handed them to me.
"Thanks lover," I joked as I took them from me.
Of course Eric, the epic thumb wrestler from the L.I., was walking by towards his room down the hall as I said that.
"I knew you were a fag!" he laughed as he walked past and away.
"AT LEAST I DON'T GET PEED ON FROM THE BALCONY!" yelled Paula, which caused me to laugh. And that in turn caused me to grimace in agony.
"So hey, over here," piped Mary, trying to get the conversation steered back towards her. "Your couch DOES fold out, right? I can stay a day or two?"
Who am I to turn down a fair maiden in distress?
Or a chance at some nookie?
"Yeah, sure. I'll call down to Moses and get some extra pillows and a blanket."
"Oh, no need, no need," she said as she walked into the hall.
I heard her grunting, and watched as she pulled a huge duffel bag into the room.
"I'm all packed."
"Wait a second, here," I said as I stood. "What all is in there?"
"Oh, that's just the unmentionables and makeup. The rest of my stuff is out next to the service elevator. Anyone want to give me a hand?"
I leaned back into my chair, covering my eyes. "I would, but I have a nasty headache..."
User Reviews
Submitted by foster (user info) at 2006-11-11 12:02:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/95651
Submitted by tarnation (user info) at 2006-06-10 02:29:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-04-24 23:15:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
GREAT HONK! I missed one, and you didn't tell me?
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2006-04-16 16:46:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2006-04-15 08:43:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-04-14 09:08:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-04-14 08:42:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Six is much better.
Starts the actual story.
Submitted by MichelleNJ (user info) at 2006-04-14 08:07:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-04-11 15:20:08 (#)
Ranking: 2
starting to veer off into Boringsvile, careful
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-04-12 15:43:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Working on it, working on it.
The tone, based on the story itself, must change quite a bit, and sadly, speading up and combining 6&7 will make it even more needed.
I'm still not happy with how it flows, though... Maybe tonight, maybe tomorrow.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-04-12 13:57:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
quick, with the next part, or i smite you.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-04-11 23:48:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-04-11 17:30:48 (#)
Ranking: 2
i'm just glad this isn't that noober shit.
goddamn jack for starting that shit. goddamn him.
i hope all his skittles are orange for the rest of his life.
HA.
hahaha.
I loathe orange skittles.
HA.
--------
Yes. Bad Jack, no biscuit.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-04-11 17:53:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I've read thru it a few times, and I'm agreeing.
And there is NO way I can get the rest of the intro done without just totally dragging it through stupid jokes and such.
So I'm gonna combine at least 6-7, get the last 2 people introduced during the opening of the main story.
It'll take a bit of rewrite, but I'm starting it now, just to get this one out of my head.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-04-11 17:31:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Have to agree with most of the others, this one suffered in comparison to the quality of the earlier installments.
Still Had some good moments, but a little too confused.
-Dave
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-04-11 17:30:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i'm just glad this isn't that noober shit.
goddamn jack for starting that shit. goddamn him.
i hope all his skittles are orange for the rest of his life.
HA.
hahaha.
I loathe orange skittles.
HA.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-04-11 16:59:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh fuck off, Johnny.
n00berfest a shitty fucking bandwagon, so don't give me shit for expressing the fact I think so.
And yes, I rated posts, not posters.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-04-11 16:22:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Is it Thursday yet?
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-04-11 16:14:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
sweet suite was meant as a bad play on the words.
Should have put it further down I guess.
And as I said below, the intros and such are almost done. One more to get 2 more characters in, and then part 2 of the arc starts.
This has ALL just been intro.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-04-11 16:13:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"I lucked out somehow and got a sweet suite with a view of good part of town."
wtf is up with that?
also, I hope it gets better, like the first four. I mean, this edition was like when you're jerking off for awhile and you stop stroking mid jerk in order to delay orgasm and you end up jizzing anyway without any of that good muscle spasm feeling. You know, the empty ejaculation feeling. (some dudes actually dig it, the never orgasming, and have their prostates milked. ewwwwww. what was I talking about? oh yeah)
yeah, this one was not so good. Hard to read, jumped all over the place.
blech.
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2006-04-11 15:23:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-04-11 15:22:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Aye, yer a fair gype min.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-04-11 15:21:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Five and Six are the end of the intro. Seven starts picking up the main story.
And yes, by revealing these tidbits, I am warning you that this is going to be a looooooooooooooooooooooooong series. 6 parts for introductions to the main characters.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-04-11 15:20:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
starting to veer off into Boringsvile, careful