Bra’s and Panties: Someone Help Me (1511 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.59 on 37 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Zod (View user info) at 2006-04-11 19:34:50 EDT
For my girlfriend's birthday, I recently decided to venture into the world of lingerie for the very first time. Somewhat apprehensive and awestruck, I headed to the most obvious outlet for lingerie purchases: Victoria's Secret. Thinking the actual store itself would be too horrifying of an experience for my virgin bra and panty shopping, I decided to check out the company's website. Boy howdy, was I in for some fun.
First off, the obvious reaction happened almost immediately. I became extremely, extremely aroused. I was, however, prepared for this intrusion on my concentration. After deftly tucking my engorged manhood to one side, I began to scan the menu options. I chose the "Bra" tab in order to gain some initial research material before my deeper probe. What I saw chilled me to the core. The first words I noticed were "Very Sexy", due to the fact that they were portrayed in MASSIVE font. This is clearly done, I believe, to confuse any man venturing into the site, instantly reducing their thoughts down to "I LIKE BOOBIES!!" and therefore encouraging them to buy the most revealing and therefore morbidly expensive item in sight. However, I was not to be swayed from my goal.
My eyes ran down the list on the left of the screen, and my brain sputtered and fumed. "What the hell is a racerback?" I mumble in fear. Apparently you can shop by model line, by padding, or by style. Not knowing any particular model, padding, OR style, I found myself staring dumbly at the screen for what may have been 10 minutes. My eyes kept flashing at the large ad in the middle of the screen, which screamed, "ALL NEW! Infinity Edge Push Up! America's Favorite Push-Up Just Got Better!" I could swear that I live in America, and yet I've never heard of the Infinity Edge Bra in my life, let alone it being my favorite anything. I felt left out and abandoned by the underwear consortium that apparently garnished some power in the seedy underworld of my beloved country.
Deciding to push on, I passed over selections like "Corsets and Merrywidows" because they brought to mind images of women from the 20's with waists the diameter of a softball. The term "Plunge Bra" seemed to invoke visions of large, sweaty pendulum breasts swinging ever lower towards my exposed abdomen, patiently waiting to disembowel me with chafed, jagged crags of nipples. Instead, I clicked on the seemingly safe choice: Miracle Bras. I've always been one for believing in miracles, so why the hell not. Once the page loads, I'm presented with four choices. The farther I go on, I feel as though I'm on a holy quest to find the Forbidden Bra, with death as the only and ever-lurking alternative to victory. At this point, I'm curled up in a fetal ball on my desk chair, peering nervously over the top of my curved knees and repressing a shiver.
The four choices I was presented are as follows: Add-a-cup lace bra, Embroidered satin demi bra, Embroidered satin classic bra, and Embroidered satin racerback bra. While the four ladies in the pictures certainly looked different, the bra's all looked the same. The exact same. It was a hard enough struggle to not focus all my attention on the luscious breasts displayed before me, let alone distinguish the difference between satin classic and satin demi. And what's this add-a-cup business? How many cups are needed? Isn't there a one cup per breast rule?
I'm not sure if I missed a class in school or something, but this website seemed to be composed of an entirely new and cryptic language. I managed to last another five or so minutes before completely breaking down in tears and turning my computer off, but not, of course, before a good wank-a-doodle.
So does someone, ANYONE, want to translate this gibberish for me?!
User Reviews
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-03-16 13:10:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
How did I miss this?
This is right up my alley.
Submitted by EntityErased (user info) at 2006-04-13 03:47:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I read this post yesterday.
Never got around to rating it.
I <3 this post.
+2
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-12 16:06:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-04-12 16:02:42 (#)
Ranking: 2
Please make sure you get the right size! My ex bought me a boustier set and it was CRAZY small. Like A cup small. And I ain't no A cup.
---
*sigh*
Was he miles off? Why was he so rubbish?
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-04-12 16:02:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Please make sure you get the right size! My ex bought me a boustier set and it was CRAZY small. Like A cup small. And I ain't no A cup.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-12 15:55:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Zod (user info) at 2006-04-12 11:05:11 (#)
Ranking: 0
Haha, wow, redskieslookfake sure is passionate about his female undergarments. I appreciate all the words of advice, however laved with sarcasm of filthiness they are.
---
It's other people's female undergarments I'm passionate about.
Submitted by Zod (user info) at 2006-04-12 11:05:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Haha, wow, redskieslookfake sure is passionate about his female undergarments. I appreciate all the words of advice, however laved with sarcasm of filthiness they are.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-12 09:47:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2006-04-12 09:38:30 (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate going in there alone and being looked at like I'm a rapist or something. So i try to stand in the corners and rub my legs a lot.
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Never had trouble with it. I will even spend time smelling perfume too. It is no big deal.
They don't look at you like you're a rapist. They only look like that if you stand there with your hands in your pocket, smiling slightly with a sheen of sweat on your face while you say 'uuuuuuh panntttieeees.'
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2006-04-12 09:38:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate going in there alone and being looked at like I'm a rapist or something. So i try to stand in the corners and rub my legs a lot.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-12 08:48:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I in no way condone a traditional male/female distribution of responsibilities, but if blokes aren't allowed to go beating/raping women despite their hormones then surely women should have their rights to be crazed loons revoked for precisely the same reasons?
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-12 08:43:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-04-12 08:38:17 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-12 08:27:37 (#)
Ranking: 0
Stop being so fucking melodramatic. Is it some female right to be crazy irrational whenever she wants? No.
He should just ask her her fucking size or even (SHOCK HORROR) - take her along and say he wants to treat her.
Oooooh - a woman may complain because you didn't get the right size!
I can do an exchange in about 10 minutes tops. Walk in, politely get refund, buy new item. Sorted.
THE IDEA IS THE IMPORTANT THING.
====
Heheheh. My my.
Of course it isn't a female right to be irrational - it's fucking stupid. Doesn't mean it's not likely. I don't know his girlfriend, but I'm fairly sure around 70% of women in the world have a little imp sitting on their shoulder that whispers mad "This thing actually means this other totally unconnected thing! Make crazy assumptions and ask him about them relentlessly!" shit to them, depending on the day, their current haircut and the weather in uzbechistan.
---
Don't feed the lunacy as far as I'm concerned. Be sensitive etc, but don't kow tow to it. That's like negotiating with terrorists. Or paying attention to a child's tantrum.
Serious question - when did the female right to be a loon develop? Was it the Victorians and their lunacy re. chairs wearing skirts and similar stuff. I bet the bastard Romans didn't put up with this.
Cheryl Glutimus Maximus "wah wah - you got me the wrong kind of torc"
Augustus Blokus "fuck off woman - slaves don't get any possessions at all!"
Cheryl Glutimus Maximus "oh yeah. My fault. Sorry dear"
Augustus Blokus "Damn right - now go run me a bath"
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-04-12 08:41:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Forget the bra and panties. Just go down to your local adult store and get her a vibrator. The kind with the beads that rotate and the butterfly thingy for the clit.
Not only will SHE thank you for it, the butterfly feels marvellous on the scrotum.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-04-12 08:38:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-12 08:27:37 (#)
Ranking: 0
Stop being so fucking melodramatic. Is it some female right to be crazy irrational whenever she wants? No.
He should just ask her her fucking size or even (SHOCK HORROR) - take her along and say he wants to treat her.
Oooooh - a woman may complain because you didn't get the right size!
I can do an exchange in about 10 minutes tops. Walk in, politely get refund, buy new item. Sorted.
THE IDEA IS THE IMPORTANT THING.
====
Heheheh. My my.
Of course it isn't a female right to be irrational - it's fucking stupid. Doesn't mean it's not likely. I don't know his girlfriend, but I'm fairly sure around 70% of women in the world have a little imp sitting on their shoulder that whispers mad "This thing actually means this other totally unconnected thing! Make crazy assumptions and ask him about them relentlessly!" shit to them, depending on the day, their current haircut and the weather in uzbechistan.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-12 08:27:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-04-12 08:10:39 (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2006-04-12 00:40:21 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Saffron (user info) at 2006-04-11 19:59:05 (#)
Ranking: 2
Skip the bra as a gift & go with a baby doll.
____________
Yes. Really, you'll never get her bra size right, and no-one wants a gift that's the wrong size - too much fucking around with exchanges and such.
Buy her that white eyelet babydoll thing. It's cute.
===
What they said. If you get her something that has to fit 'just so' and you get the size wrong in either direction, you will be entering a world of crazy female "you think I'm too fat/thin/old/loose/dysenteric" pain.
---
Stop being so fucking melodramatic. Is it some female right to be crazy irrational whenever she wants? No.
He should just ask her her fucking size or even (SHOCK HORROR) - take her along and say he wants to treat her.
Oooooh - a woman may complain because you didn't get the right size!
I can do an exchange in about 10 minutes tops. Walk in, politely get refund, buy new item. Sorted.
THE IDEA IS THE IMPORTANT THING.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-04-12 08:10:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2006-04-12 00:40:21 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Saffron (user info) at 2006-04-11 19:59:05 (#)
Ranking: 2
Skip the bra as a gift & go with a baby doll.
____________
Yes. Really, you'll never get her bra size right, and no-one wants a gift that's the wrong size - too much fucking around with exchanges and such.
Buy her that white eyelet babydoll thing. It's cute.
===
What they said. If you get her something that has to fit 'just so' and you get the size wrong in either direction, you will be entering a world of crazy female "you think I'm too fat/thin/old/loose/dysenteric" pain.
Submitted by Jimmo (user info) at 2006-04-12 07:21:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't be a fool you are entering a mine field here eg:
1) You want my breasts to be that big/small/firm/soft .....
2) I'm not that size
3 Can't be arsed with any more, you get the idea.
Buy the most expensive thong there (bought mine one with fake diamonds at the back, she went out and bought four more...WOOT) and buy another gift, give the innocent one and sneak the other in, I don't know her card or something.
Safe simple direct.
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2006-04-12 07:09:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yay Zoddy!
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-04-12 07:05:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-04-11 21:45:50 (#)
Ranking: 0
And if anyone asks you if you need any help, ALWAYS respond with, "No thanks, just sniffing".
hahahaahahahahahahahahhaahah
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-04-12 06:57:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 Petra Nemcova
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-12 05:11:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Stop being a bloody pansy.
Go into a nice bra shop, and say to the shop assistant 'I want to buy my girlfriend some lingerie to let her know I love her, but for some reason I was unable to discretely look at my girlfriend's bra to get the information from it. Can you help me? - she's about this size' *hand gesture to approximate cuppage - DO NOT MASTURBATE OR ALLOW A HAND TO IDLY WANDER DOWN TO YOUR CROTCH*
They will smile politely and then point to various staff members while trying to get information out of you.
DO NOT BE EMBARRASSED. They have done this a fair few times.
Listen to their advice, you can be shy and endearing and this will make them help you and generally try to do their best.
Ask about returns policies and keep the receipt.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-04-12 04:55:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Gift voucher might be an idea!
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2006-04-12 02:03:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Christ, I know what this is all about.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2006-04-12 00:40:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Saffron (user info) at 2006-04-11 19:59:05 (#)
Ranking: 2
Skip the bra as a gift & go with a baby doll.
____________
Yes. Really, you'll never get her bra size right, and no-one wants a gift that's the wrong size - too much fucking around with exchanges and such.
Buy her that white eyelet babydoll thing. It's cute.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-04-11 23:06:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My man is often on those websites to buy be presents - Now I know why he's so happy to buy me things all the time - he's probably loving every minute! ha ha ha..
Submitted by Zod (user info) at 2006-04-11 22:16:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
What's up George, how you been man? And thanks for the help everyone, but i'm still too scared to even try that again. I think i'll stick with a romantic dinner and some massage oils. And then sex all night long.
Submitted by Lisa (user info) at 2006-04-11 22:07:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hopefully you're getting her something awesome as well, since the lingerie is really a gift to yourself.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-04-11 21:48:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by erosion_rules (user info) at 2006-04-11 21:37:27 (#)
Ranking: 1
Try guessing a chick's cup size sometime. If you get it right, it'll amaze her.
========
You could also just guess 34B as an average, and you'd likely be right.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-04-11 21:45:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Just wander into Victoria's Secret, take a nice long hit off of a Listerine BreathStrip, waddle up to the hottest cashier broad you can find and say, "Hey, baby...you're about the same size as the chick I'm presently fucking...would you mind modeling this bra and panties set for me?"
And if anyone asks you if you need any help, ALWAYS respond with, "No thanks, just sniffing".
Shlongy uses these two lines EVERY TIME I'm in the joint.
Submitted by erosion_rules (user info) at 2006-04-11 21:37:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Translation? Probably not. But I do have a talent for telling a woman's cup size and measurements, though I know nothing about bras. I'm a perpetual lucky guesser. I'd say the woman in the photo is a 34C, though I've never guessed by photo before.
Try guessing a chick's cup size sometime. If you get it right, it'll amaze her.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-04-11 21:10:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sorry can't help ya.
I wear a minimizer
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2006-04-11 20:23:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I go to Vickie's three times a year: before a) my wife's birthday, b) St. Valentine's Day, and c) Christmas. I have an VS Angel platinum card. I go to Fredricks of Hollywood once a year: a) before my birthday, and I pay cash.
That's because Vickie's sells high quality, sexy lingerie that women like to wear and that helps them believe they are beautiful and desirable. If a woman believes she is beautiful and desirable, it's better for all concerned, no matter the situation. Boardroom or bedroom, confidence is sexy.
Fred's however, sells fuckwear. It is flimsy, it is sheer. It is designed to be either carefully removed in a slow, sexy manner, or torn off in a horny frenzy. On my birthday, I am not interested in her profit, her earnings, her day, her management style, her recent promotion, or what she thinks about any of that crap. I am interested in her pussy, and Fred's is all about that.
Go racerback, one cup size smaller that you think she is (handfull = C cup) and be prepared to go back and have her model several for you because that will be wrong.
Submitted by Saffron (user info) at 2006-04-11 19:59:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Add-a-cup lace bra - Inserts that make you appear bigger. Not a great message to send gift wise.
Embroidered satin demi bra - Demi cups sit a bit lower than classic. So less covering the base to aereola & thus, if you girl is top heavy, less keeping her inside her bra while moving. Jiggly.
Embroidered satin classic bra - Standard bra
Embroidered satin racerback bra - Racer backs have straps that that meet in the middle of the back vs just going over the shoulder.
Skip the bra as a gift & go with a baby doll. Bra = utilitarian. Baby Doll = Fun for the whole family.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-04-11 19:58:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Add-a-cup lace bra - pushes up for an extra pat of butter on the pancake, so you look a cup fuller. I'm partial to bras that lie.
Embroidered satin demi bra - demi is the cut, I believe. I think the smaller the endowment, the less flattering the demi shape is. The part that meets the strap is shaped differently across and doesn't go up as high as a full coverage, so it's more plunging.
Embroidered satin classic bra - covers more surface area than the demi. comes up a bit higher. Better for full figured than the demi support-wise, but works for all shapes and looks damn good on those that can fill it.
Embroidered satin racerback bra - The back of the bra is shaped like a racer-back bathing suit or a sports bra.
This is all off the top of my head and can very well be argued. We womenz can be particular about our unmentionables.
Wait..you didn't actually want to know any of this, did you? Silly me.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-04-11 19:51:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
whats up ya sexy beast?
I feel neglected, you haven't made rape to me in AGES
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-04-11 19:47:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"And what's this add-a-cup business? How many cups are needed? Isn't there a one cup per breast rule?"
Oh my god that made me laugh so hard I almost choked on my tea.
I've never heard of the Infinity Edge bra either so don't feel bad. Whatever you do, DO NOT get her a miracle bra. She'll be extremely offended and you won't get laid for a looooong time.
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2006-04-11 19:38:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nobody missed you.
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2006-04-11 19:38:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Just get her a didlo
Submitted by Zod (user info) at 2006-04-11 19:35:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
P.S. I haven't been on Uber in a WHILE, so hello to everyone who I've neglected to talk to for the last 8 or 9 months.