The Dude Upstairs (Chapter 12) (2027 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.97 on 34 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Grimm <grimmjuice.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2006-04-12 07:47:25 EDT
Chapter 1 - http://www.ubersite.com/m/85013
Chapter 2 - http://www.ubersite.com/m/85232
Chapter 3 - http://www.ubersite.com/m/85403
Chapter 4 - http://www.ubersite.com/m/85558
Chapter 5 - http://www.ubersite.com/m/85867
Chapter 6 - http://www.ubersite.com/m/85974
Chapter 7 - http://www.ubersite.com/m/86186
Chapter 8 - http://www.ubersite.com/m/86234
Chapter 9 - http://www.ubersite.com/m/86283
Chapter 10 - http://www.ubersite.com/m/86448
Chapter 11 - http://www.ubersite.com/m/86489
I guess that after our little music war, Dude considers us friends again.
I arrive home from work Tuesday evening to find a plethora of presents in front of my door. I got 2 quarts of motor oil (Penzoil, 10W-30), Jumper cables, and a tire iron. It's all jammed into this old blue milk crate.
Unfortunately, it all reeks of gas, so I suspect it's from Dude's trunk (See Chap 11).
I unlock my door and I'm about to pick up the crate when the Dude's door opens and he comes down the stairs.
"Sorry, that's not a gift, I gotta bring that upstairs," he says.
"Oh, O.K." I say, and my voice is heavy with disappointment. The Dude grins.
"Don't worry, I'll get you something."
I smile, and we both enter our apartments.
An hour or so later, I hear Dude pound down the stairs. A few moments of silence. Then he pounds back upstairs without opening the front door.
Hmmm....
I quietly open my door to find a wireless microphone. There's a note on it:
"For Later" is all it says.
WTF?
I bring it inside. It's one of those microphones that works near a radio, you have to tune the radio to a certain station and it picks up the signal from the mike. I thought they stopped making these things in the 80's, because they sucked.
I stop puzzling over the microphone, get a beer out of the fridge and put a note on it that says "For Now", and leave it on the Dude's stairs.
I continue to just chill for another hour and a half, and then the Dude pounds downstairs. I hear him pause, chuckle out loud, and then the sound of a beer opening.
Then he knocks. I open the door.
"Ready?" he asks in between swigs of my beer.
"Um...for what?" I say with a smile.
"Idol."
"Huh?"
"We're gonna watch American Idol."
"We are? I don't really watch that show."
"Bullshit, everyone watches it."
"Um...I really don't."
"Dude," says the Dude. "It's a cool show. They used to have this humongous black chick named Mandella or some shit, she was great, but she hated fags so they killed her."
"They killed her?!?"
"No, they just kicked her off."
(Authors Note: I really don't watch the show, however due to its astounding (not to mention confusing) success and subsequent media coverage, specifically my morning and afternoon radio shows (work commute), I am reasonably familiar with the contestants. I therefore know he's talking about someone named Mandissa. Or some shit.)
"I see." I say. "What's the mike for?"
"In case we wanna sing along."
Here's where I fucking crack up laughing. Understandably, I think. It's the kind of laugh that turns uncontrollable, as I picture me and Dude, arm in arm, belting out "Danke Shane" (sic) a la Ferris Bueller.
"It's Queen night tonight." Dude says.
I get a hold of myself. Slowly.
"Queen?"
"Yeah, all the guys are singing Queen songs."
"And you want us to watch this?"
"Yeah."
"Together?"
"Yeah. But on your TV, it's bigger. Got any more beer?"
I shake my head and let Dude in. I get him a beer and pour myself a straight scotch. I drink half of it, and fill it up again before I join Dude in the living room. This is the guy who wanted to fight me yesterday, now he's all bouncing up and down on my couch.
The show comes on and I'm instantly bored. Dude is making commentary and filling me in on what I've missed in past weeks. Dude talks a whole lot about someone named Chris Daughtry, and I amuse myself internally by thinking he has a crush on him.
The Idols butcher every song they sing, except someone named Pickles (or some shit) who actually sounds good. She's dumber than a box of rocks, but she isn't hard on the eyes.
The show ends and Dude stands up.
"One for the road?" he asks, and I get him another beer.
"Can I have my mike back?" he asks, and I give it to him.
Dude leaves.
Ten minutes later, I hear the sound of the Dude's microphone as Dude sings in his apartment at high volume.
"Faaaaaaaat booottttttooooom gaaaaaaaaals" And so on. He reprises every single song the Idol's sang and some they didn't until I get fed up and start banging on the ceiling with a broomstick.
Dude shuts the fuck up.
This morning I leave for work and find a small boom box radio sitting on the roof of my car. As I approach, the radio speaks.
"Good morning (Grimm). This is the radio." (Audible chuckle)
I look up at the Dude's window, and he's standing there smiling at me with the mike in his hands
"Are you gay?" the radio asks, then laughs at me.
I put the radio on the lawn, and go to work.
User Reviews
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-02-16 15:41:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-01-03 16:53:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Dervish (user info) at 2007-07-13 09:31:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I just read every single one of these, in sequential order.
You now owe me the following:
1. A new set of pants (peed them laughing)
2. A new keyboard (spit coffee on it repeatedly)
3. A written explanation to my boss as to why I spend the first half hour of work giggling like an idiot
You will notice that I did NOT include "the half hour I spent reading your posts". That was well-spent.
Good show.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2006-04-19 22:51:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by phauna (user info) at 2006-04-18 08:04:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I knew he wouldn't hear my answer, so I kept it for later when we were in bed."
Submitted by evesapple (user info) at 2006-04-13 14:20:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
dude, i have a major crush on chris
i think everyone does
(and i am not happy with mandesa getting killed!!)
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2006-04-12 16:48:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That chick looks like she's about to drop a deuce.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-04-12 15:35:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i watched that until i went to the gym. they all sucked, but i'd pay to see chris strip.
Submitted by jokr2581 (user info) at 2006-04-12 15:32:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Grimm looks like your the Skipper to Dude's Gilligan.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-04-12 15:12:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Kellie Pickler _was_ pretty hot last night - she had this leather, Lita Ford thing going on.
Submitted by MonkeyingAround (user info) at 2006-04-12 13:16:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You can't leave me hanging. Hmm after this last one I think you should break into him room or garage and steel all his alcohol... he would freak out. How cute he sees you as a father figure, you should pat him on the head everytime you see him!
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2006-04-12 12:53:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-04-12 12:45:36 (#)
Ranking: 2
Grimm so by email head you want me to do a camwhore while im uh....
*giggle*
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No, email head is you describing what it would be like if you gave me head.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-04-12 12:52:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Peony - (per wikipedia) - They produce large, often fragrant flowers in shades of red to white or yellow in late spring and early summer, and probably the oldest flower in ornamental culture. They are native to Asia, southern Europe and western North America.
I get it.. you were trying to insult me by calling me a pretty flower. I guess that means you assumed I was a guy.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-04-12 12:45:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Grimm so by email head you want me to do a camwhore while im uh....
*giggle*
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-04-12 12:42:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
FLOWERY GAYLORD AHAHAHHAAAAAAAAAA
Well, since my name is a flower and my fav -2 comment is "gheyer than me" I guess you are spot on there.
Grimm - See how Gawd punishes those that make fun of the mentally inferior.
I'm off to the intarweb to find the meaning of 'peony'
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2006-04-12 12:29:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Speaking of head, Peon, you owe me email head for the camwhore I sent you.
Submitted by Hentrina (user info) at 2006-04-12 11:57:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Professional_Peon - DID YOU MISS-SPELL YOUR USERNAME "Professional_Peony" Like a fucking flowery GAYLORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!??????????????
Submitted by Hentrina (user info) at 2006-04-12 11:56:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAR HAR SHUT UP FUCKETY FUCKTARD!
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Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-04-12 11:53:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Grimm you should demand head instead of an apology.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-04-12 11:51:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAR HAR FUCKTARD!
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Submitted by Hentrina (user info) at 2006-04-12 11:16:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sorry Grimm - didnt mean to fuck your record... have some +2s (I would have loved some April Fool Dudery too - Damn!!!!!!)
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2006-04-12 11:00:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Hentrina (user info) at 2006-04-12 10:54:11 (#)
Ranking: 0
P.S. Grimm - how many episodes of The Dude... have you signed up for? Is this gonna be a Dallas or Friends kind of epic series????? Not sure if I could cope with life knowing that it might all suddenly come to an end (silently wipes tear from corner of eye, reminiscing about the innocent days of Chapter one...)
______________________________
At least I was getting straight 2s until you gave it a 0. Fucktart. haha, j/k
Anyway, I shall continue to write about the Dude as long as the Dude keeps doing interesting things. It's up to him really.
I'm just pissed that I totally forgot about April Fools Day on Uber. I could've made up some really funny homo action for you all...
Submitted by Hentrina (user info) at 2006-04-12 10:54:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
P.S. Grimm - how many episodes of The Dude... have you signed up for? Is this gonna be a Dallas or Friends kind of epic series????? Not sure if I could cope with life knowing that it might all suddenly come to an end (silently wipes tear from corner of eye, reminiscing about the innocent days of Chapter one...)
Submitted by Hentrina (user info) at 2006-04-12 10:47:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The Dude is definitley an Uber-celeb now - you are getting straight +2s for his antics... I think I preferred him when he was being a little shithead though - your writing is more entertaining when you're pissed off and harrassed!!!!! Here's hoping for an end to all this nice (homo) harmony!!!
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2006-04-12 09:26:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by oasisrock (user info) at 2006-04-12 09:05:03 (#)
Ranking: 2
I have been enjoying this series from the beginning...keep them coming.
oh yeah - and why don't you blow me and your mothers syphilitic excuse for a boyfriend. =)
________________________
Don't take bad reviews personally. It's part of the game.
AVOID BAD REVIEWS - POST SOMETHING GOOD
Submitted by oasisrock (user info) at 2006-04-12 09:05:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have been enjoying this series from the beginning...keep them coming.
oh yeah - and why don't you blow me and your mothers syphilitic excuse for a boyfriend. =)
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-04-12 08:55:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wanna be on American Inventor.
Cause if I was on American Idol I would surely have a bladder issue as I suffer from insanely bad stagefright.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-04-12 08:46:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
all sounds gay enough to me
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-04-12 08:44:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-04-12 08:27:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-04-12 08:27:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2006-04-12 08:19:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awwww Grimm, you're the Dude's big brother now. How cute.
Reds, you okay man?
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-12 08:15:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Mildly cheered me up
Submitted by angel_2k01 (user info) at 2006-04-12 07:55:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ive only ever seen one show. it was with kelly pickler in it. i remember thinking 'damn shes good'. i will also never forget what she said to the judges:
(judge) "pickler?"
(Kelly) "yeah, pickler, pick pickler, pick me"
DOH!