Bad, Bad Leroy Silver. Baddest Man In the Whole Damn Town (788 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.68 on 16 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by NerfHerder <NerfHerder.at.comic.com> (View user info) at 2006-04-13 10:53:10 EDT
Leroy Silver strode through the streets of Chicago one particularly blustery day and said to nobody in particular,
"Wow. I really am the baddest man in this whole damn town."
Leroy walked through the world-famous Navy Pier just looking at people square in the eyes until they either looked away or died. He would steal children's balloons and commit adultery on the Ferris wheel overlooking the pier. It only took Leroy Silver one loop in the ol' wheel to get his jollies. He could care less about the woman, of course. He was just that bad.
Now, being the baddest man in the whole damn town had its privileges. People cowered from Leroy with both their bodies and their minds, giving Leroy whatever he wanted just so as Leroy didn't inflict his baddestness upon them.
He received free ice cream from street vendors, free hot dogs from street venders, and even free soft drinks from venders on the street.
Yes sir, Leroy Silver was leading the baddest life in town.
Until one day.
Leroy had just finished a complimentary hot dog from Jim's HAWT DAWG! Stand and was feeling pleasant from the mustardy feeling in his belly. Using his right hand to signal his satisfaction by patting his belly, Leroy walked past a pawn shop that was playing a tune from a slightly used radio.
"And it's bad, bad leroy brown
The baddest man in the whole damned town
Badder than old king kong
And meaner than a junkyard dog."
Using his left hand, Leroy cupped his ear so that he could better hear the lyrics emanating from the radio.
"Now leroy more than trouble
You see he stand 'bout six foot four
All the downtown ladies call him treetop lover
All the mens just call him sir"
Leroy couldn't believe his ears which sat upon his 6 foot four frame. Who was this Leroy Brown character? And since when was this Brown character the baddest man in the whole damn town?
"I'm the baddest man in the whole damn town!" Leroy screamed at the radio as he walked into the store. "I am bad's golden boy - its chosen messiah!"
The owner of the pawn shop came out of the back room where he had been cowering from Leroy in order to potentially gain his favor.
"You sure are the baddest, Leroy," said the shopkeep. "That other Leroy was in here just a week ago - said he was lookin' for a framed picture of a bunny. What a wuss!"
"Shopkeep," Leroy said, "this man actually exists?"
"Why...why yes, Leroy."
"Well gawd dammit," Leroy blasphemed, "I thought the song was merely about a fictional character. There was always the possibility that the song could be based on a character in real life, but sensational songs such as this are often embellished a little to enhance the overall entertainment value. Would you not agree?"
The shopkeep stared dumbly at Leroy, shocked at the quasi-intelligence just showed by the brute.
"You damn right I'm right!" Leroy yelled as he kicked the shopkeep in the elbow, leaving him forever paralyzed from the elbow down.
"Darn blast ya," the shopkeep said, "I'm paralyzed from the elbow down!"
"At least it's not from the elbow up," Leroy said, "now where can I find this other Leroy - Leroy Brown they call him."
"I've never heard of him," said the shopkeep.
Leroy's brow furrowed and again his flying kicks of justice landed on an essential nerve center: the knee. Leroy expected the man to cry out in pain as he had for his lost elbow. Alas, the two just stared at each other for a few seconds.
"Oh right," Leroy said, "paralyzed from the elbow down..."
"Yeah," said the shopkeep. "You could try hitting me above the elbow, I guess."
"Well yeah," Leroy said, "but now I don't really want to. By suggesting that I should do something, I have an automatic reaction not to do that action. After all, I was in charge of the situation until you made that little quip."
"Sorry," said the shopkeep.
"That's okay," Leroy said.
"You're weak, Leroy," the shopkeep said, "Leroy Brown never would've accepted a weak apology like that.
"Leroy lined up his knuckles with the shopkeep's face and used his muscles to propel the knuckles into the shopkeep's jaw, where he was still fortunate enough to have feeling."
"Ouch," stated the shopkeep calmly. "But you do remember I'm paralyzed from the elbow up, genius?"
"Huh? I thought you were paralyzed from the elbow down," Leroy asked.
"Nope," the shopkeep said, "elbow up."
"Huh..." said Leroy as he shattered the shopkeep's pelvis. Of course, the shopkeep was lying about the elbow up thing and just took the blow as if he couldn't feel it. Because he couldn't.
"Where's Leroy Brown?" demanded Leroy Silver. "I'm gonna tear that sonofabitch a new belly button and then stick things in it!"
"You'll never find him," the shopkeep said. "But good luck to you, sir."
"That's 'sir' to you, motherfucker," Leroy said as his fists of fury assaulted the shopkeep's torso.
"Uh, I said 'sir,' sir," the shopkeep brazenly stated as the gentle numbness in his torso was replaced with a gentler numbness.
"Tell me where Leroy Brown is or I'll cut off your testicles!"
"You know how you said that songs often times exaggerate the truth?" the shopkeep asked with fear in his eyes.
"Yeah," said Leroy.
"Well the way I look at, the songwriter wrote the song about you. But nothing rhymes with Silver so he changed your name to 'Brown.'"
"Oh," said Leroy, "that makes sense. Thanks, shopkeep. Have a nice day," Leroy stated cheerily as he walked out the door to continue being bad.
The shopkeep started chuckling to himself. The chuckle turned into a low cackle. The cackle turned into a subtle guffaw. The guffaw morphed into a maniacal giggle and then back down to a small chortle.
The shopkeep swung his half-lifeless arm up to his nametag, which proudly read, "Hello. My name is shopkeep." The shopkeep tore off this nametag to reveal a second.
It read,
"Hello. My name is Leroy Brown."
User Reviews
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-04-14 03:45:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The inside of your head is an odd place, is it not?
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-04-13 20:04:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice...
Submitted by Phyllis (user info) at 2006-04-13 19:40:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-04-13 15:42:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
beats the piss out SPT.
speaking of which..i have some -2s to hand out.
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2006-04-13 15:25:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i <3 thursday
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-04-13 13:03:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Coleslaw_Murphy (user info) at 2006-04-13 12:41:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good, good. Next do one about how Eddie Money only had 1 ticket to paradise, UNTIL...
Submitted by crsunlimited (user info) at 2006-04-13 12:37:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-04-13 12:13:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
baddestness
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-04-13 11:41:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A tad confusing but auto-Jim Croce +2.
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2006-04-13 11:38:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this is what I come back for
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2006-04-13 11:19:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
funny post
Auto Auto SPT -2 -2
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2006-04-13 11:19:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HA HA HA
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-04-13 11:13:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*giggles*
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2006-04-13 11:03:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
huh?
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2006-04-13 11:00:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed at how you were quoting things that shouldn't have quotations. This story would have been perfect if it ended with Dolemite having sex with Leroy Brown's wife in the middle of the street.