Allahtown (9 - CONCLUSION) (776 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: Allahtown
Rating: 1.87 on 31 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jack McCallum (View user info) at 2006-04-13 17:46:50 EDT
Allahtown (1) http://www.ubersite.com/m/75396
Allahtown (2) http://www.ubersite.com/m/75779
Allahtown (3) http://www.ubersite.com/m/76230
Allahtown (4) http://www.ubersite.com/m/76946
Allahtown (5) http://www.ubersite.com/m/77966
Allahtown (6) http://www.ubersite.com/m/78440
Allahtown (7) http://www.ubersite.com/m/79354
Allahtown (8) http://www.ubersite.com/m/81980
ALLAHTOWN
(9 - Conclusion)
True frowned, irritated by Samir's hesitation.
"I said pick up the knife and kill O'Hare. Now!"
"Whoa, wait a minute," O'Hare said. "Wait a goddamned minute! If this is part of your master plan I don't want any of it."
Samir stepped closer to O'Hare. "Master plan?"
True shook his head, as if disappointed in the governor. "You've got a big mouth, O'Hare, not that it matters much now."
Samir raised one finger in True's direction, his eyes on O'Hare, the gesture telling the assessor to hold on a moment. "What about this master plan?"
O'Hare looked from Samir to True, still holding the gun on the young man, and returned his attention to Samir.
"You got a pair on you, kid. I'll credit you that much. Not too many brains, but a lot of balls."
"Samir, listen to me." Exasperation was creeping into the assessor's voice. "If you don't pick up the knife and kill O'Hare, I'll shoot you right now."
Samir thought on that a moment.
"Why not just shoot me, kill this red-headed bastard, and make sure I get his blood on me? That is what you want, isn't it? A scapegoat bloodied in his jihad against America??"
True chuckled, despite himself. "I would have said patsy, but you aren't a lone nut, and were never intended to be seen as such. No, scapegoat is a wonderful word."
"Ah got some book learnin in me over the years," Samir said, exaggerating the Texas twang in his voice.
"Samir, please." True sounded weary, as if he were dealing with a difficult child. "Just pick up the knife and kill O'Hare and it will all be over."
True sighed and picked up his phone. He pushed a speed dial button and said, "Bring them in."
The assessor set down the phone and said, "Samir, don't make me shoot you."
"You would have shot me already if you wanted me dead," Samir said. "What's so important about this knife?"
Samir picked up the bundle of cloth on True's desk and unrolled it, revealing the blade. It was tacky with blood.
"Who..."
"Your friend Joe... Yusif," True replied. "Damnable ACIB vermin are everywhere these days, protecting your kind. What do you do when you find a mole in your back yard about to damage carefully planted seeds? You kill it. Having forensic proof that you attacked and killed an investigator for the American Civil Liberties Union Criminal Investigation Bureau, as well as Mr. O'Hare, a loyal part of the first line of defense against your kind of rabble might make all the bleeding-heart liberals in this country think twice before pushing their ludicrous 'let's all hug and be friends because we are all equals' nonsense on others."
Samir was beginning to realize that whatever was happening here was bigger than just a camp revolt. He had been sent down a path that was preordained, and it was time to try to derail the plan.
"Catch," he said. He tossed the knife to O'Hare.
The governor caught the knife and asked, "So now what?"
A bullet entered his skull just above his right eye and the burly guard staggered towards Samir and collapsed.
"Damn it," True said, giving his head a weary shake.
Samir knelt down and knew in an instant that nothing could be done for O'Hare. The spreading pool of blood pouring out of the governor's head had already soaked the knees of Samir's trousers, and now it was flowing around his shoes.
"Do not make me use the last bullet in this gun," True said, glancing at the monitor displaying images of the confusion outside. "You may find this hard to believe, young man, but I want you to walk out of here alive."
"Sure you do," Samir said.
The assessor studied the monitor a moment longer, and then nodded with satisfaction.
Samir looked at the screen briefly and couldn't make out a damn thing on the monitor, just darkness and white flashes and swiveling cones of light.
With a forced smile the assessor said, "In fact, now that you've killed Mr. O'Hare, I'm afraid you'll have to kill me. At the right time, of course."
Before Samir could react to such a bizarre statement there was a knock on the door.
True thumbed a switch on the intercom on his desk. "Send them in, and then wait outside. I... I will be the lamb. The operation is proceeding as planned."
The door opened and Samir saw Ana and John shoved into the assessor's office. The door was closed again.
The woman and the boy recoiled at the sight of the dead man.
"Now," True said, turning to the cabinet holding the monitor and sliding open a panel to reveal a video camera. A small red light glowed above the lens. "Shall we get started? Or should I have the woman and the boy killed?"
Samir forced himself to look away from his wife and son. Seeing them in jeopardy would completely unman him. "I'm not a murderer."
True appeared doubtful as he slid the gun across the desk.
"One bullet left," he said, rubbing his hands together.
Samir stared down at the gun, and then looked at his family.
Ana was as conflicted as he was. He could see it in her face. Part of her wanted to strike out for what had been done to her and her son. And part of her knew that Samir was no killer.
Samir looked at Johnny and saw confusion and fear in the boy's face.
Still facing Samir, True shifted his eyes to the cabinet, the monitor, the camera.
"One phone call is all it takes, Samir. Your wife and boy will be dragged outside and shot against the nearest wall."
Samir looked at the gun again. God, how he wanted to kill this man... but he wasn't that way. There had to be a way out of this. There had to be.
True spoke again, his words coming quickly. His voice was taut with frustration. Or was it desperation?
"All of us are expendable, young Samir. You, O'Hare, even me. We must give everything we have to this fight, including or lives if necessary, to continue our war against the madness of Islamic Fundamentalism and the fanaticism that creates jihads and suicide bombers willing to die for their insane beliefs."
Samir couldn't quite believe what he had just heard.
All he had to do was reach out and take the gun. But he couldn't. He couldn't.
True let out a sound like a bark, a meaningless, guttural expression of rage. He stepped around the desk and grabbed Samir, shoving the boy into a far corner of the room.
Samir felt his feet sweeped out from under him and realized this somewhat pudgy, graying man must have been a force to be reckoned with in his youth. As he fell, hands as strong as vice grips clamped down on his shoulders. One hand rose up and struck his face and Samir tasted blood from a split lip even as he saw red flecks spatter the wall by his head. He kicked at True's ankles.
There was a pause, only a very brief pause, and then True let out a theatrical cry of pain and fell atop Samir.
Samir saw an expression flit across True's face. Was it relief? Gratitude?
True grappled with Samir, but now he was using only half as much strength as before, rocking them back and forth.
Putting on a show for the camera.
"Please, Samir," he whispered quickly. He spoke softly, unheard by the camera's microphone or Samir's wife and son. He nipped at Samir's ear and drew blood, raising his head and letting a roar escape his bloody mouth as he glanced back at the camera. He drew close again, carrying on the mock struggle.
"You must do this. This is bigger than both of us. They are watching now, and they need a scapegoat, someone they can point to and say, 'You see? They are all that way, all the Arabs, all the Muslims, even if they were born and raised Americans.' We can't stop this, Samir."
"I kill you," Samir gasped, "and then I walk free?"
"Yes," True breathed, slamming Samir's upper body against the wall. "What is more frightening, a captive anarchist awaiting analysis, execution, and dissection, or a man out there, somewhere, spreading his ideological sickness, an American man just like you and me, an American who wants to see this country fall?"
True shoved Samir down to the floor and wrapped his hands around the young man's throat. He squeezed and leaned down and said softly, "Please, Samir. I have a family too. Don't you see? Do this, and our children live—"
"—and continue this insanity—"
"—or find a way to end it."
True's grip relaxed. He saw the change in Samir's eyes.
"Hit me in the chin," True whispered, "and end this."
Samir raised a hand and clipped True's jaw. The man flopped to the floor beside him and he got to his feet, and picked up the gun.
"No," Ana said.
"Look away, John," Samir said. "Look away, boy."
Johnny shook his head, giving his father a defiant stare.
True got to his feet, a ghost of a smile of his face, and then he turned away.
Samir shot him in the back of the head.
True staggered, his forehead rapping against a wall now spattered with blood and tissue. His body slumped, head and knees resting against the wall, but he did not fall, even as his own blood pooled around his feet.
Damn it all True, Samir thought, his mind cool and calm even as his stomach clenched violently. You should have packed a bigger gun.
He tossed away the useless pistol, glancing at Johnny, Ana, the red light on the camera and the monitor. He could see a reporter speaking into a microphone, and behind her chaos being brought under control by National Guard troops spilling out of big trucks.
True may have been gone, but his autonomic nervous system lived on, and he sucked in a wet and uneven breath, loud enough that the microphone would have picked it up.
Samir took the simple garrote out of his pocket. As he wrapped the wire around True's throat and pulled on the rough-hewn wooden handles he wondered who was watching and listening. Who would edit the recorded feed from the camera and release it to the media to foster even more paranoia and fear, the raw materials to keep the President's 'War on Terror' going strong? Homeland Security's Department of Risk Assessment? The CIA? The President?
When Samir had destroyed most of the muscle and sinew in True's neck and the assessor's head began a horrifically exaggerated slump to one side, he let go of the garrote. One final breath whistled out of the ruined throat.
He walked to the cabinet and pulled the camera out of its mount, yanking it free of every wire and cable.
"Sorry," he said, looking from True to O'Hare. And then he added, "I'm sorry, Yusif."
The door opened and two armed governors were there, beckoning Samir forward. He put his arms around his wife and son and led them out of the room.
They were led outside to an awaiting truck, helped up into the back, and a canvas flap dropped down to hide them in the dark.
The truck shuddered and began to move. Samir sat between his wife and son and hugged them close. Seated across from them were two National Guardsmen.
He started to cry, frowning in the darkness and wishing he could hold it in. Ana stroked his cheek. His son held onto one hand and said, "It's okay, dad."
As the truck moved slowly through Camp Guadalupe, they could hear sporadic gunshots, the meaty thud of riot batons and the muted buzz of joysticks, screams and whimpers in English, Spanish, Arabic.
Samir leaned forward and peered through a gap in the canvas flap. The truck was moving for the rear gate, which opened on a little used road that lead northwest into New Mexico, and a desolate, ragged landscape. There were bodies everywhere, some moving, some still. The night was illuminated by spotlights and flashlights and flares. They passed a news van, and Samir could hear part of the broadcast through an open door.
"—tional Guard arrived in the nick of time to squelch this riot, this planned rebellion, that could have seen the escape of hundreds of deadly terrorists into the American night, each and every one of them a direct and very dangerous threat to the security of this great Na—"
Samir looked down, seeing bodies, bodies. Young woman, old men, guys just like him, lying dead in the night under a starry Texas sky. He recognized a face, the kind old man named Nasawi, and then one of the Guardsmen snapped the fold of canvas shut.
The truck slowed and Samir could almost see the gate opening, and then they moved on, the road becoming uneven.
Samir had left Allahtown.
*
Two hours later, the last hour spent moving up the incline of rough mountain roads, the truck shuddered to a halt.
The canvas flap was opened, and the stars seemed very bright. The Guardsmen silently helped them out of the van and into the chill of the night.
"Now what," Ana asked. "You would condemn a little boy to die out here?"
The Guardsmen said nothing. They got back in the truck, made a three point turn, and drove back they way they had come, leaving Samir and his family not so much as a blanket or a bottle of water or a book of matches to provide a few moments of light.
"I'm cold," Johnny said.
"I think we can find a place to get warm up there," Samir said, gesturing toward a fractured crag of rock that rose over them. "In a hollow. You'd be surprised how fast body heat warms up a nook, John."
"What about food," Ana said. "What about water?"
Samir had already seen some prickly pear cactus growing nearby. Wherever they were, they were away from anyone who might come looking for prickly pear, for their own use or to collect and sell to a local market. He knew that both the fruit and the pads were edible, and with that tasty fruit and pulp at hand they wouldn't starve or dehydrate.
They couldn't stay out here forever, though.
Samir moved off the road and past scrub brush, examining a wall of jagged rock. He found what he was looking for, a niche deep enough for the three of them, with a floor of windblown sand. Samir ripped a whole prickly pear plant out of the ground and took it into the niche.
They got as comfortable as they could, and Samir showed Johnny how to brace the spiny fruit between two rocks and dull the barbs of the fruit with a third sharp stone, then peel open the skin to get at the meat inside.
"I grew up not far from an old Texas cowboy," Samir said. "He knew a lot of tricks like this. How to find food outdoors. How to ride a horse. How to shoot a gun. I'm going to teach you how to do all of those things, John."
One way or another they would get out of here, Samir thought. They would survive, and fight.
Gusts of wind blew by the niche and the night got colder. The family huddled closer to keep warm.
"Samir," Ana said, "No more guns. Please."
Samir said nothing. She knew that when he got quiet, he got stubborn.
"Samir! You'll teach your son to take up arms against an oppressive government, like an insurrectionist?"
"No," Samir replied, surprised Ana could not understand his motivations, could not understand that the time was coming when there would be another Civil War, another War of Independence, both wars being the same struggle.
"I will teach my son to take up arms against an oppressive government, like an American."
They stayed huddled together all night, sometimes dozing, sometimes watching the stars make their slow turns overhead.
In the morning, they set out on the road, not knowing where it would take them.
User Reviews
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2006-04-22 21:18:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2006-04-18 10:33:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was an awesome story. I hated/liked the way that Samir ended up in a sort of a trap that he couldn't get out of, in the end. It was... I'm incoherent. Basic summary- fucking sweet story, dude.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-04-17 15:07:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jack, even though you have recently been ignoring me for some unknown unfathomnable reason I have to tell you that I enjoy your stories. I too was confused by this ending but am overall glad that you finally finished it.
I think the thing I disliked about this was Samir's comprimise of his values. there were other options. He did not have to kill, he did not have to die, his family did not have to die, not right then anyway.
I got torn from this review so don't remember where I was going.
love you long time.
Submitted by nrduncan (user info) at 2006-04-17 13:01:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You get a +2 just because you ended it, though I agree with most of the sentiments before, the ending was ultimately rather confusing and somewhat hard to follow.
DISCLAIMER: I am not a writer, never have been, never wanted to be. 98% of the time, I think your writing is freakin awesome Jack, that's why I keep coming back for more.
Honestly, I think you sat down and told yourself to end it in this post. I think you probably should have concluded it in two parts, doubling the size of this one. I think you should have expanded why the characters were doing what they were doing, as opposed to subtly hinting at it. In my opinion, if the author doesn't specify something, the reader will. Since you only hinted at things, the reader is forced to draw the whys. In this case, I was confused because the whys I was coming up with, did not fit the storyline.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2006-04-15 09:59:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Just finished the entire series and while I didn't love this installment (conclusion) the whole thing was an excellent read. Over all, when I read something that makes me wish there was more back story for each installment, I'm impressed. I think this would make an excellent book.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-04-14 23:21:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-04-14 23:19:09 (#)
Ranking: 1
Stupid internet, can't convey subtle tones of humour or playful teasing grumble grumble grumble
--
...which has left me with more than one steaming hot bowl of shit to eat, let me tell ya...
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-04-14 23:19:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Stupid internet, can't convey subtle tones of humour or playful teasing grumble grumble grumble
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-04-14 22:54:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My Dearest Caesar,
I was throwing out a pile of shit for fun. Jack appreciates your comments,
as I always have. Jack is indeed a good writer, so I never miss a chance to
give him a ration of shit. Or you, for that matter... :-D
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-04-14 22:17:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-04-14 19:19:48 (#)
Ranking: 2
Call me whacko, but I read a fiction story for what it IS, not what I
think it SHOULD have been. People who bitch too much about how a story
ends should read a shitload of Saki (H.H. Munro). Or O'Henry.
*****************************
Hey Bubba.
I didn't mean to tell Jack how to write his story. I just didn't like the ending, because frankly, it didn't make any sense to me. I didn't WANT him to end it in any particular way, and that's not what I'm criticising him for. I'm criticising him because his ending genuinely confuses me.
Besides, Jack's a writer, and he appreciates a "here's what i didn't like and why" a lot more than a "this story sucks" or probably even a "this story is awesome!"
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-04-14 19:19:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Call me whacko, but I read a fiction story for what it IS, not what I
think it SHOULD have been. People who bitch too much about how a story
ends should read a shitload of Saki (H.H. Munro). Or O'Henry.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-04-14 14:01:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
ha ha ha
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-04-14 13:47:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Canadian: The truth will set you free!
==
American: Paranoid my ass! They are after us goddammit! We are being watched and those fuckers are EVERYWHERE! Let's build an army and strike when the time is right!
==
Englishman: "Gi'us another bag o' chips, love. Ta."
==
>knock-knock!!!<
Frenchman 1: JE ME RENDS!!!!!!!
Frenchman 2: C'est la Poste, Monsieur!
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-04-14 13:33:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-04-14 13:18:17 (#)
Ranking: 0
<<<<I disagree. Prison riots happen from time to time, so that's nothing noteworthy. What is special about Samir is that he is just an average American good 'ol boy, a Texan who happens to be of Arabic descent.
*********************************
As an aside, this is the first post where I noticed the Texan thing. You've made a point of showing him as an average American of Middle Eastern descent, but I don't recall you ever pushing the "good ol' boy" point home. Maybe you did and I forgot because I started reading this story eight years ago. ;)
---------------------------------
If they just killed him and planted a gun on him that would raise a lot of suspicion from groups like the ACLU, and how you you push a tale of a 'great and common' threat spreading across the land when it was so easy to kill the kid dead and nip it in the bud? But letting him go and telling the press he escaped gives them some time to stir the paranoia pot and say, 'You see? We were right to lock up people like him, and now we should do more.'
***********************************
Okay, but wouldn't Samir going to the press and saying, "Here's details on what happened to me and how the installation was run" ALSO raise suspicion? The good side of him being dead is there's no one to dispute their claims. Otherwise, they're just asking for trouble. That's how I see it, anyway.
-----------------------------------
Be serious, if YOU were Samir would you run right to the nearest newspaper and start telling your story, knowing that you were unlucky enough to have fit the parameters of patsy for a government controlled conspiracy? I think not. You'd hide, for a while, anyway, just to make sure your wife and kid were safe. These days news spreads fast. By the time Samir stated to speak up OR fight back he would be seen as either a liar or an insurrectionist.
************************************
In all seriousness, that's exactly what I would do. It seems stupid to do anything else. There's no point in hiding -- first of all, you'll get caught, unless you're some survivalist expert. Everyone in the country will be looking for you, and how hard is it to find a Middle Eastern family of three travelling in Redneck-ville?? My wife and kid would be safer without me there. It carries more weight to voluntarily step forth rather than to look guilty and run. The only weapon Samir has is...THE TRUTH!! DUN DUN DUNNNN!!
-------------------------------------
Not so. Remember, Yusif suspects something VERY BIG is brewing. Do you nail just a few small fry, or go for the big fish behind it all?>>>>
**************************************
So is Yusif working to expose civil injustice, or is he a spy working to expose giant government conspiracy? I think either way, he'd report his findings on a regular basis, instead of keeping it all to himself.
--------------------------------------
<<<<This may be true, and you are entitled to your subjective opinion and I am entitled to hate your rotten guts forever and ever and ever you meanie, but keep in mind that if I went with a traditional ending Samir would have been dramatically rescued at the last moment (da-da-da-DAHHHHH!), the conspiracy exposed, blah blah blah. I was trying to show that sometimes, the truth does not come out and the good guys take it up the ass when dealing with entities as great as the US government.
*************************************
No, I don't mean you should have done a traditional ending. If you must know, I was hoping Samir would shoot himself in the head, on-camera. That would solve a lot of problems...except he'd be dead, so I could see how that's not in his best interests.
Anyway. Thanks for the debate.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-04-14 13:18:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-04-14 11:40:45 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by FuckTheArmy (user info) at 2006-04-14 11:07:56 (#)
Ranking: 1
I'll give you a plus one on the grounds of decent writing, though to be honest I found it a bit less engaging than previous installments.
Your ultimate conclusion, however, bothers me fundamentally. I suspect that's because it draws some pretty flawed conclusions, in my opinion, about the nature of America's wars and its international role. Regardless of whether you intended that.
************************
Um, yeah. I didn't really understand this installment, Jack. The scene with True and Samir made no sense to me. If they really needed a scapegoat for the whole thing (which they didn't, considering they already had them all locked up anyway, AND there was a riot to back up their point), it would have been much smarter to plant the smoking gun, as it were, on Samir's body. A lot less complicated too. And there's no way they'd let him and his family go...he knows the truth. They could cast aspersion and doubt on the whole fiasco. Samir and his family are a HUGE loose end for them.
<<<<I disagree. Prison riots happen from time to time, so that's nothing noteworthy. What is special about Samir is that he is just an average American good 'ol boy, a Texan who happens to be of Arabic descent. If they just killed him and planted a gun on him that would raise a lot of suspicion from groups like the ACLU, and how you you push a tale of a 'great and common' threat spreading across the land when it was so easy to kill the kid dead and nip it in the bud? But letting him go and telling the press he escaped gives them some time to stir the paranoia pot and say, 'You see? We were right to lock up people like him, and now we should do more.'
Be serious, if YOU were Samir would you run right to the nearest newspaper and start telling your story, knowing that you were unlucky enough to have fit the parameters of patsy for a government controlled conspiracy? I think not. You'd hide, for a while, anyway, just to make sure your wife and kid were safe. These days news spreads fast. By the time Samir stated to speak up OR fight back he would be seen as either a liar or an insurrectionist.
I considered spelling all of this out in the story, but to much exposition kills, and I thought most of this was implied in the telling. Perhaps I was wrong.>>>>
And Yusif, if he really was AICN (or whatever) would have probably blown the lid off that place five days into his stay. How many civil injustices do you have to see before you think to report them?
<<<<Not so. Remember, Yusif suspects something VERY BIG is brewing. Do you nail just a few small fry, or go for the big fish behind it all?>>>>
I think you got too carried away with writing a 'different' ending, and the end result was something that didn't make much sense. To me, anyway. The three month gap between posts probably didn't help either.
<<<<This may be true, and you are entitled to your subjective opinion and I am entitled to hate your rotten guts forever and ever and ever you meanie, but keep in mind that if I went with a traditional ending Samir would have been dramatically rescued at the last moment (da-da-da-DAHHHHH!), the conspiracy exposed, blah blah blah. I was trying to show that sometimes, the truth does not come out and the good guys take it up the ass when dealing with entities as great as the US government.
For fuck sake man, we still have no definitive and indisputable proof who killed JFK, and that happened over forty goddamned years ago! JESUS!
Sorry. Coffee kicking in big time. Better pour the energy into Redemtion Road or something.
As always, thanks for the feedback, T.>>>>
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2006-04-14 12:41:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
thanks. thanks.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-04-14 11:40:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by FuckTheArmy (user info) at 2006-04-14 11:07:56 (#)
Ranking: 1
I'll give you a plus one on the grounds of decent writing, though to be honest I found it a bit less engaging than previous installments.
Your ultimate conclusion, however, bothers me fundamentally. I suspect that's because it draws some pretty flawed conclusions, in my opinion, about the nature of America's wars and its international role. Regardless of whether you intended that.
************************
Um, yeah. I didn't really understand this installment, Jack. The scene with True and Samir made no sense to me. If they really needed a scapegoat for the whole thing (which they didn't, considering they already had them all locked up anyway, AND there was a riot to back up their point), it would have been much smarter to plant the smoking gun, as it were, on Samir's body. A lot less complicated too. And there's no way they'd let him and his family go...he knows the truth. They could cast aspersion and doubt on the whole fiasco. Samir and his family are a HUGE loose end for them.
And Yusif, if he really was AICN (or whatever) would have probably blown the lid off that place five days into his stay. How many civil injustices do you have to see before you think to report them?
I think you got too carried away with writing a 'different' ending, and the end result was something that didn't make much sense. To me, anyway. The three month gap between posts probably didn't help either.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-04-14 11:25:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-04-14 10:49:44 (#)
Ranking: 2
reccommend me another of your series that i haven't read.
--
Not sure what you've read beyond all my Pandemic stuff.
Here are some other series...
The Ant http://www.ubersite.com/m/57869
The Ant Returns http://www.ubersite.com/m/59779
Mendo Weekend (a bit ridiculous, but I had fun writing it) http://www.ubersite.com/m/47105
I'm about halfway through Redemption Road http://www.ubersite.com/m/85951 and about 2/3 done on Mayfield http://www.ubersite.com/m/86323, but then again, they could balloon on me and last longer, as with the adventures of Smith in the ATP stories.
Oh, and have you read any Four Corners Hole stuff? http://www.ubersite.com/m/81641 Fuck knows when this will be done.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-04-14 11:17:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by FuckTheArmy (user info) at 2006-04-14 11:07:56 (#)
Ranking: 1
I'll give you a plus one on the grounds of decent writing, though to be honest I found it a bit less engaging than previous installments.
Your ultimate conclusion, however, bothers me fundamentally. I suspect that's because it draws some pretty flawed conclusions, in my opinion, about the nature of America's wars and its international role. Regardless of whether you intended that.
--
It's fiction, not a thesis.
I agree however, that writing by installment is a real test. How do you keep the reader's attention without going over the top? I usually DO go OTT in my stuff, and I wanted to keep this as real as possible(within the bounds of the not too distant future presented here), with no ridiculous heroics and an uncertain ending.
Still, thanks for the feedback. It beats the 'This is just stupid!!!!!-2!!!' ratings I've gotten on some things.
Submitted by FuckTheArmy (user info) at 2006-04-14 11:07:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I'll give you a plus one on the grounds of decent writing, though to be honest I found it a bit less engaging than previous installments.
Your ultimate conclusion, however, bothers me fundamentally. I suspect that's because it draws some pretty flawed conclusions, in my opinion, about the nature of America's wars and its international role. Regardless of whether you intended that.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-04-14 10:49:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
reccommend me another of your series that i haven't read.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-04-14 10:49:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
unfortunately, i read it in 2 hours, not the 8 i would have liked.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-04-14 10:49:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
praise allah, this series rocked.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-04-14 10:06:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i definitely need to go back through and reread this series...
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-04-13 22:12:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Another series ends, and well-done. I have this certain book to read, but I need to
finish the other two I am in the middle of first, so I don't get confused.
Old guys are like that. . .
Submitted by ConorJS (user info) at 2006-04-13 22:09:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I blew a load when I saw this on the posts list.
hXc, mang, hXc.
ALMOST forgot to +2
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2006-04-13 21:46:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
About goddamn time motherfucker!
Although I suspect the mindset of True and friends is a little too close to reality....
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2006-04-13 20:12:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent series
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2006-04-13 18:58:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-04-13 18:04:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
FINALLY
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2006-04-13 17:48:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This post screams 'fuck you'.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-04-13 17:47:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Allahtown (8) (813 hits)
Submitted by Jack McCallum at 2006-01-06 19:08:43
...
[Conclusion to be posted soon...]
=====
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!