The Dude Upstairs (Chapter 13) (2225 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.94 on 47 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Grimm <grimmjuice.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2006-04-14 07:48:49 EDT
Chapter 1 - http://www.ubersite.com/m/85013
Chapter 2 - http://www.ubersite.com/m/85232
Chapter 3 - http://www.ubersite.com/m/85403
Chapter 4 - http://www.ubersite.com/m/85558
Chapter 5 - http://www.ubersite.com/m/85867
Chapter 6 - http://www.ubersite.com/m/85974
Chapter 7 - http://www.ubersite.com/m/86186
Chapter 8 - http://www.ubersite.com/m/86234
Chapter 9 - http://www.ubersite.com/m/86283
Chapter 10 - http://www.ubersite.com/m/86448
Chapter 11 - http://www.ubersite.com/m/86489
Chapter 12 - http://www.ubersite.com/m/86548
I apologize for most of my Dude posts starting the same way, but the antics normally begin as soon as I pull into the driveway.
So, Thursday evening I come home from work...
And laying in front of my door is yet another package of condoms, which you may recall was the first gift from Dude when I moved in. The first pack is still sitting in my bedside table, unopened and unused...sadly.
The first pack was given to me with a red ribbon on it, but this package is unadorned. I bring them inside, a little confused. All the things in the world, combined with Dude's imagination, and he's already repeating himself?
I'm home for about twenty minutes when Dude pounds down the stairs and knocks.
"Welcome home from work sweetie!" he says with a grin. I smile and return the greeting.
"Can I have some condoms?" he asks.
"Um...why would you give me condoms and then ask for them back?"
"I forgot I needed them." He says.
I grab the pack from where I left it and toss it back to him.
"You can have the whole thing back," I say. "I still haven't used the other ones you gave me."
"Really? What about that chick that was here the other day?"
"Um...it didn't work out between us."
"Couldn't get it up?"
"Fuck you (Dude)" I say in a tired voice.
"Just wondering, man. You're kind of old and shit."
"I'm five years older than you."
"You look older than that."
"Yeah, I feel older than that. Was there anything else?"
"No, man. I'm gonna go have some fun, ha ha."
"Um...ok." I say, and Dude goes back upstairs. I wonder if he's really got a girl up there, or if it's just...shenanigans.
Ten minutes later my grandmother calls to ask if I got the Easter Card she sent. I tell her I haven't gotten it yet, and we start catching up a little bit. Grandma is the only member of my large family that I talk to, and she spends some time trying to convince me to call my parents. I fend her off and try to stay polite.
As we're talking, I start to hear a repetitive thumping coming from upstairs. It's not that loud, and there's no voice sounds, but the thumping is so regular it doesn't sound manmade. The thumping lasts about five minutes, during which I get off the phone with Grandma, and I walk into different rooms of the apartment trying to pin down the noise. It seems to be coming from Dude's Kitchen.
I cook dinner, make a few phone calls, then sit down to watch TV. The thumping starts again, and I mute the TV to listen. Same thing as before - very regular, coming from his Kitchen. This time it lasts maybe 45 seconds. I begin to suspect that Dude is just fucking with me, so I go back to watching TV. I flip through the channels a few times, but nothing's on, so I pop in a DVD.
At around ten o'clock, the movie is almost over, and I hear someone coming down the stairs. It's very quiet, not like the Dude at all. Then, someone knocks on my door. I pause the movie and get up and open it.
It's a girl. A real-life girl. A real-life good looking blonde girl. Waaaaaay too good looking for someone like Dude. I'm caught off guard and stammer in the way that men do when looking at pretty gals.
"Hi," I finally say.
"Hey there. I'm (Julie)." She says. "(Dude) is asleep, but he asked me to give you this when I left." She says, and hands over the condom box. It's roughly torn open and I can see several are missing. Julie has a big shit-eating grin on her face, which I return, embarrassed.
"This is some kind of joke, right?"
She smiles and looks busted.
"What do you mean?" she says, not making eye contact.
"Um...well, (Dude) likes to play little jokes on me like this. Having a pretty woman hand me a box of condoms after he's been thumping on the ceiling all night is just his style."
She smiles and still has that embarrassed look.
"I don't really know what to say," she says, and then she looks past my shoulder.
"Is that Casablanca?" she asks
I know, I know, I should just give up my ruse and switch to cock. What can I say, Bogie is all man and I was in the mood for the movie. At least I just own a cheap copy, and not the big anniversary edition with the script and commemorative plate.
"Um...yeah." I say.
She looks at me a minute and seems to come to a decision.
"I'm a friend of (Dude's). He's helping me with my studies, I'm an intern at (the lab where Dude works)."
"Oh, O.K."
"He made me do the condom thing, and he kept stopping our studying to bang on the floor."
"I figured something was up. That's kind of lame coming from him, he's usually more inventive."
"What gave it away?"
"Um...you don't really seem like (Dude's) type."
She kind of smiles at me, and we hold eye contact for a few seconds to long. Something in my chest goes "Woof!" I am totally helpless in front of waaaaay too good-looking women.
"Well," she says. "Good night." And she goes out the front door.
As soon as she's gone, Dude's door opens.
"She gave it away, huh?" he asks from the top of the stairs.
"Even if she didn't, I never would have bought it." I tell him. "I'm disappointed in you."
Dude grins.
"Too hot, right?"
"Waaaaay too hot for you, man."
"Fuck you." Dude says with a smile.
We both go inside to go to sleep
Julie.
Julie Julie Julie.
All the apartments in all the towns in all the world, and she walks into mine...
User Reviews
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-01-03 16:56:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Dervish (user info) at 2007-07-13 09:31:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I just read every single one of these, in sequential order.
You now owe me the following:
1. A new set of pants (peed them laughing)
2. A new keyboard (spit coffee on it repeatedly)
3. A written explanation to my boss as to why I spend the first half hour of work giggling like an idiot
You will notice that I did NOT include "the half hour I spent reading your posts". That was well-spent.
Good show.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2006-04-19 23:10:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wonder what his apartment looks like.
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2006-04-18 08:29:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this shit aint too bad.
Submitted by phauna (user info) at 2006-04-18 08:11:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yah.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-04-17 10:36:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2006-04-17 06:14:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Wow - I appreciate the concern about my dating life, and I'm happy to report that you were all right - it WAS a lot easier than I thought it'd be. Chapter 14 shall be posted shortly.
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2006-04-16 09:33:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
great ending
Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2006-04-15 09:19:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You GOTTA get a picture of this guy.
Submitted by recall (user info) at 2006-04-15 00:01:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love it.
Submitted by TheCrystalShip (user info) at 2006-04-14 20:02:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Could this become one of the longest series?
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-04-14 17:20:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MonkeyingAround (user info) at 2006-04-14 16:35:57 (#)
Ranking: 0
grimm- thank you ... and listen to JohnnyX since I don't live near you, I can't physically push you or smack you upside your head for not following through. I'm sure she will be back at the house sometime for more tutoring, and she gave you the oportunity and well JohnnyX is correct in his method of going about it...
-------
Of course I'm right....Grimm, check out my very first post for more thoughts on this subject...
Submitted by MonkeyingAround (user info) at 2006-04-14 16:37:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Here are your points I forgot to add... oh and sorry JonnyX for spelling your name wrong.
Submitted by MonkeyingAround (user info) at 2006-04-14 16:35:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
grimm- thank you ... and listen to JohnnyX since I don't live near you, I can't physically push you or smack you upside your head for not following through. I'm sure she will be back at the house sometime for more tutoring, and she gave you the oportunity and well JohnnyX is correct in his method of going about it...
LISTEN TO HIM!!! I promise that you will get laid if you follow through.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2006-04-14 16:14:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MichelleNJ (user info) at 2006-04-14 08:00:56 (#)
Ranking: 1
Not that it's your fault or anything, but this one wasn't really as funny as the other stories.
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An extra 1 thrown in for the hope that you'll run into her again and be a bit smoother than a high school kid. Tell Dude to invite her over some night.
DO IT FAG!
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-04-14 15:47:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
do her in the butt.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-04-14 15:35:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2006-04-14 11:27:30 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-04-14 11:24:19 (#)
Ranking: 2
was the shenagains comment some obvious foreshadowing to let us know ahead of time that dude doesn't exist and you live in a house with some old dude who sleeps on your parent's couch?
but you gotta go for the girl bro...what do you have to lose?
________________
The Dude does indeed exist. I plan on spending some time this weekend taking numerous camwhores of the environment so, lacking a pic of Dude himself, you can at least see where all this goes on.
Me asking this girl out would be, for me, the equivalent of flying to Los Angeles, throwing open Brad Pitt's door, taking Angelina by the hand, giving the finger to Brad, and leaving with her. It just is not gonna happen
--------------
Brother, you don't know that - if she REALLY was a total bitch, she woulda handed you the box, and sashayed off.
The fact that she told you the truth indicates she has some respect for you at least, and that she's not a manipulative whore - now, doesn't that sound like a nice girl to go out with?
Now, I hear you saying: so, how do I get a chance to ask her out?
Well, you know where she works, and you may get a chance to see her again if the Dude tutors her again.
I'd ask her "Well, you know you were at my place the other night, and you only got to see 30 seconds of Casablanca - I was wondering if you'd like to come over again and watch the whole thing with me."
Grimm, listen to your pal JonnyX here - she's totally hot, right? She's probably pretty smart, too, if she's getting personalized teaching from a microbiologist.
That's like a double whammy - I'll bet NO ONE ever asks her out because they're too intimidated by a really smart, really pretty girl.
Now, I'm going to assume you don't have any unquestionably hideous features - so, just ask her already! I'll bet $20 American it goes a lot easier than you think it would.
Submitted by Blinkish (user info) at 2006-04-14 15:12:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2006-04-14 12:36:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MonkeyingAround (user info) at 2006-04-14 12:30:23 (#)
Ranking: 2
This is pretty entertaining... I have recently started to actually review the posts that I read and well... in the three days I have been doing this I have aquired four email addys that actual correspondance has occured by mutual agreement. Awsome... I feel special! ;D
_____________
Hmmm...glad I could help.
Submitted by MonkeyingAround (user info) at 2006-04-14 12:30:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is pretty entertaining... I have recently started to actually review the posts that I read and well... in the three days I have been doing this I have aquired four email addys that actual correspondance has occured by mutual agreement. Awsome... I feel special! ;D
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2006-04-14 12:26:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Woof
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2006-04-14 12:17:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"addy" is a abbreviation of address.
Yes it was you, and I have replied.
Submitted by MonkeyingAround (user info) at 2006-04-14 12:13:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You are reffering to me correct? I have never heard the term "addy," and I can't find anyone that resembles a nic like that so... I am guess it's me and well if not to bad because the email is already on it's way.
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2006-04-14 12:01:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
what's your email addy? or send something to
grimmjuice.at.yahoo.com
Submitted by MonkeyingAround (user info) at 2006-04-14 12:01:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh and excuse my horrid gammar and spelling... my brain was fried from my Japanese class last night and well... I don't care enough to spell check or reread what I write... I'm having trouble not falling asleep at my desk at work.
Submitted by MonkeyingAround (user info) at 2006-04-14 11:59:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2006-04-14 10:19:09 (#)
Ranking: 0
There you go - I wasn't shirtless, and I have this really slight belly, not from beer, from too much rich food. And I'm not muscular in the least.
----------------------------
How big of a belly? does it fold over or take up space on your lap when you sit? I don't mind a lack of muscles, the guy I'm dating is the scrawniest shit I've ever met and I'm much stronger then him *pouts*. You should cam whore or email me. I'm actually quite curious what you look like now. BTW how old are you?
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2006-04-14 11:27:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-04-14 11:24:19 (#)
Ranking: 2
was the shenagains comment some obvious foreshadowing to let us know ahead of time that dude doesn't exist and you live in a house with some old dude who sleeps on your parent's couch?
but you gotta go for the girl bro...what do you have to lose?
________________
The Dude does indeed exist. I plan on spending some time this weekend taking numerous camwhores of the environment so, lacking a pic of Dude himself, you can at least see where all this goes on.
Me asking this girl out would be, for me, the equivalent of flying to Los Angeles, throwing open Brad Pitt's door, taking Angelina by the hand, giving the finger to Brad, and leaving with her. It just is not gonna happen
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-04-14 11:24:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
was the shenagains comment some obvious foreshadowing to let us know ahead of time that dude doesn't exist and you live in a house with some old dude who sleeps on your parent's couch?
but you gotta go for the girl bro...what do you have to lose?
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-04-14 10:22:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i like this series.
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2006-04-14 10:19:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
There you go - I wasn't shirtless, and I have this really slight belly, not from beer, from too much rich food. And I'm not muscular in the least.
Submitted by MonkeyingAround (user info) at 2006-04-14 10:14:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2006-04-14 09:06:47 (#)
Ranking: 0
You all have a lot of faith in me for some reason. This girl was so fucking hot I'm surprised that the temperature in the house didn't drop when she left. She was perfect in every detail - she even wore those cute little gold framed glasses that always get me hot and bothered.
I can't recall when the last time I asked a girl like that out, but I do recall the laughter that followed.
Besides, I'm standing there holding a pack of condoms and wearing plaid sleep pants. Every girl's fantasy...
------------------------------
Dude, she gave you the opening to invite her in to watch the movie...*shakes head in shame*
My glasses are a weird olive green blackish color.
Oh and plaid P.J.'s on a guy are mouth watering on most men that don't have a beer belly or bigger, oh and they have to be shirtless though...
mmmm *drools*
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2006-04-14 09:58:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by evesapple (user info) at 2006-04-14 09:41:55 (#)
Ranking: 2
i would have barged in past you to watch the movie and get in your panties
____________
I don't wear panties, but I will take your phone number...
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2006-04-14 09:58:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2006-04-14 09:45:10 (#)
Ranking: 2
You should just keep posting these for all eternity.
________
I am admittedly humbled by reviews like this. Thank you.
Submitted by MichelleNJ (user info) at 2006-04-14 09:45:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by evesapple (user info) at 2006-04-14 09:41:55 (#)
Ranking: 2
i would have barged in past you to watch the movie and get in your panties
---
Who was the one with the chick neighbor that would just walk right in? And she would lay her head on his shoulder while watching movies... and he was too big of a pussy to tell her to fuck off.
That's what that review made me think of.
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2006-04-14 09:45:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You should just keep posting these for all eternity.
Submitted by evesapple (user info) at 2006-04-14 09:41:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i would have barged in past you to watch the movie and get in your panties
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2006-04-14 09:41:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
These fuckers just keep on coming.
Not that I'm complaining you understand.
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2006-04-14 09:37:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2006-04-14 09:06:47 (#)
Ranking: 0
You all have a lot of faith in me for some reason. This girl was so fucking hot I'm surprised that the temperature in the house didn't drop when she left. She was perfect in every detail - she even wore those cute little gold framed glasses that always get me hot and bothered.
I can't recall when the last time I asked a girl like that out, but I do recall the laughter that followed.
Besides, I'm standing there holding a pack of condoms and wearing plaid sleep pants. Every girl's fantasy...
----------------------
Plaid sleep pants are teh hottness.
My glasses are silver framed. Gold doesn't look right on me.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-14 09:26:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ace
Submitted by georgemichael (user info) at 2006-04-14 09:15:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i have enjoyed these stories
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2006-04-14 09:06:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You all have a lot of faith in me for some reason. This girl was so fucking hot I'm surprised that the temperature in the house didn't drop when she left. She was perfect in every detail - she even wore those cute little gold framed glasses that always get me hot and bothered.
I can't recall when the last time I asked a girl like that out, but I do recall the laughter that followed.
Besides, I'm standing there holding a pack of condoms and wearing plaid sleep pants. Every girl's fantasy...
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-04-14 09:01:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Why, in the name of all that is holy, didn't you invite her in?
Numbnuts.
Submitted by NotSteve (user info) at 2006-04-14 08:53:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
At least you have some more poon potential.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-04-14 08:53:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Shoulda got to second base with her
:-P
Submitted by AlexorGM (user info) at 2006-04-14 08:39:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i agree, this wasn't a good.. but don't let it end your series. :)
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2006-04-14 08:04:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah, I know, but it was too "Dude" to pass up posting about.
Submitted by MichelleNJ (user info) at 2006-04-14 08:00:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Not that it's your fault or anything, but this one wasn't really as funny as the other stories.