Hemorrhoids: What a Pain in the Ass (1534 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.78 on 49 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by retrospect (View user info) at 2006-04-14 12:09:00 EDT
As I sat on the toilet a few weeks ago, I noticed things weren't going as smoothly as usual. For the effort I was putting into pooping, the payoff was lackluster. I mean, I was sweating, grunting and even moving my hips like a hula dancer in a wheelchair.
After finally feeling somewhat satisfied, I wiped my bum and took a gander into the bowl to see what I had done. Much to my dismay, I noticed some blood in the bowl. I immediately freaked out and did what anybody would do, I got on the internet.
After stopping by uber and some of my favorite porn sites, I went to a medical site and typed in my symptoms.
1. Fear
2. paranoia
3. and a bloody anus
Before I hit "search", I cried a little. I'm too young to die I thought. I'm only 24! Why am I bleeding internally?
Turns out I have hemorrhoids. The picture they showed was gross and I immediately dropped trou and bent over in front of one of my many mirrors.
It looked like I had a huge flesh egg growing from the side of my butt hole. It was nasty! If I was gay I would have definitely been pitching that week seeing as my boyfriend would never enter that gnarly door way!
I rushed off to CVS and grabbed some cream to rub on my egg. What would have been embarrassing enough, buying the butt cream, turned horribly wrong while I waited in line. An ex-girlfriend of mine walked up and started chatting with me.
"How've you been?" she asked while glancing down at what I had in my hand.
I lied about taking care of my grandfather and paid and left.
I applied the cream and the swelling went down. That night however, it came back and it came back strong. Now it was itching like crazy. I tried and tried but couldn't stop myself from scratching.
It felt SO GOOD! But like all things that feel good, there were consequences. When I woke up the next day, I checked my butt in the mirror.
Now there were two eggs! Great, I have the gremlin roids and they are getting worse. I tried to poop and much to my dismay, I couldn't. Life sucks! I applied the cream and left for work
While waiting for the train my butt started itching something fierce. I can't scratch it here! There are too many people!
My hand must have a mind of its own because it shot out and started scratching my butt like mad in front of like 40 people. I was kicking my leg out and grunting and getting all into it when I looked up and who did I see, the same ex-girlfriend from CVS.
She sneered at me and started to walk away.
"I DON'T EAT ENOUGH FIBER YOU ELITIST BITCH!" I screamed at her.
After about another week of barely pooping, and scratching my butt like a deranged monkey, the roids have left me.
I kicked up my fiber content and applied the cream daily and now I feel great. But god damn those hemorrhoids are a pain in the ass. Literally.
User Reviews
Submitted by Aeneas (user info) at 2006-05-01 17:31:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny, reminds me of the time when I was a recruit and was given my days ration pack out on a field exercise. Within these packs you get 2 packets of biscuits.. fruit and plain. I really like the fruit ones so I swapped my plain so I had to fruit packets.
Turns out the fruit biscuits are designed to block your bowels up, and the biscuits have a laxative effect. (Note: I didn't find this out until several weeks after the incident.) A few days later I was actually in the most agony ever having a shit. I actually battled for 2 hours solid to have a shit, and all i got was a tiny nugget at the start. The more I pushed, the bigger my bum grape got and there was some circumstances when it was actually quite enjoyable. (Seriously) Then I went and tried to poop and sat for another hour. So I got lots of that bum-grape paste shit and rubbed it all over my asshole and took a couple of andrews and the next morning my bowels were unblocked.
All's well that ends well.
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2006-05-01 17:28:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
so far ive read the title
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2006-05-01 17:25:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by myexstaintstain (user info) at 2006-05-01 17:19:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-04-26 16:55:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
well then, i guess you aren't a COMPLETE asshole.
Submitted by Webered (user info) at 2006-04-26 16:48:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I DON'T EAT ENOUGH FIBER YOU ELITIST BITCH!" I screamed at her.
Haha this isn't the crap I was ranting about.
Submitted by sosomething (user info) at 2006-04-26 12:21:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"...YOU ELITIST BITCH!" Hilarious.
I get it now.
Submitted by myexstaintstain (user info) at 2006-04-24 11:23:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha fun. Here's a plus two to a funny post made by someone who gives me -2 all the time. What teh?
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2006-04-19 22:50:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Heineken Light, you fucking fairy?
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-04-14 20:17:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i'll take your word for it big daddy. my rides here. have a good night
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-04-14 20:14:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm sure nothing I can say will convince you otherwise, but I am not an alter.
My user info has my REAL name and my REAL e-mail address, but that isn't enough,
is it?
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-04-14 20:08:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
orgasmatrons?
i dont know. the bar i was just at was giving out free heinaken lights and i'm drunk, waiting for my ride to pick me up so i can unleash my demon seed into some unsuspecting girl. ya know?
seriously though, who's alter are you?
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-04-14 20:01:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-04-14 19:58:00 (#)
Ranking: 0
i'm rarely serious on this site bubba. you're cool, for an alter
________________________________________________
That's at least the third time I've heard that. It ain't true.
Whose alter am I supposed to be? Seriously.
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-04-14 19:58:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i'm rarely serious on this site bubba. you're cool, for an alter
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-04-14 19:54:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-04-14 19:50:26 (#)
Ranking: 0
yes you are bubba, yes you are.
________________________________________________________
I hope you ain't serious, buttcheek. I gave you a fuckin' +2!!!
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-04-14 19:50:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
yes you are bubba, yes you are.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-04-14 19:27:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Even at my advanced age, I have never had roids.
I am a perfect asshole. . .
Submitted by COMountain (user info) at 2006-04-14 18:39:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Well damnit...
...it was kinda witty.
Dirty Ape Hitwhorer.
Submitted by COMountain (user info) at 2006-04-14 18:29:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This isn't as witty as you think, man.
...so quit spamming the shit outta it.
Submitted by wanderingsharps (user info) at 2006-04-14 16:58:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
my roomate has had a similiar issue.
and on a side note..
http://www.ubersite.com/m/64131
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-04-14 16:26:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
oh i see, your user name confused me.
Submitted by craving_attention (user info) at 2006-04-14 16:23:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I thought I did rate this already. Just keep your anal eggs away from me, please.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/86663
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-04-14 15:46:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
HOW SO ROFL?
Submitted by r0fl (user info) at 2006-04-14 15:41:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Shame on you sir, I have been duped.
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-04-14 15:32:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by congo (user info) at 2006-04-14 15:07:33 (#)
Ranking: -2
This is for trying to steal hits from the handturkey guy's post!
=-=-=-=-
I'LL STEAL HITS ANY WAY I WANT!!
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-04-14 15:32:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-04-14 15:15:40 (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for admitting to bloody ass. Though I suspect you made up the 'roid part
]]]
unfortunately, the roid part is true
Submitted by craving_attention (user info) at 2006-04-14 15:17:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
keep your ass eggs away from me
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-04-14 15:15:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for admitting to bloody ass. Though I suspect you made up the 'roid part
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2006-04-14 15:15:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I sold some hemerriod cream yesterday, it was tactfully named 'Anusol'
Submitted by congo (user info) at 2006-04-14 15:07:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
This is for trying to steal hits from the handturkey guy's post!
Submitted by MonkeyingAround (user info) at 2006-04-14 14:58:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
gross... and you link whored. tsk tsk
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2006-04-14 13:06:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
There's a reason I used to go by the name "itchy."
What?
I had a rash.
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-04-14 12:59:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-04-14 12:58:20 (#)
Ranking: 2
I've got some serious swampass
--
natures lube! i'll be there at 6
Submitted by extacy_red (user info) at 2006-04-14 12:58:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-04-14 12:58:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've got some serious swampass
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-04-14 12:57:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i'll be there at 7, method.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-04-14 12:54:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
make rape to me
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2006-04-14 12:52:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-04-14 12:45:44 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2006-04-14 12:42:10 (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-04-14 12:30:57 (#)
Ranking: 0
i thought it was quite witty. its a play on words! GET IT? HUH?!?!?1 GET IT? PAIN IN THE ASS!!!!!
______________
I fully understand your attempted irony, it just strikes me as something that has been said a hundred times before, or something that you hear on one of those late night Seinfeld re-runs.
---
Well, you are entitled to your opinion. Butt you know what they say about opinions? they are like buttholes, itchy, bloody and everybody has one.
_______________
With that last comment you proved my point - that is a very lame, old, overused, saying (except for the itchy bloody part)
Regardless, I read it again and still love the ELITIST BITCH line, so here's a +1.
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-04-14 12:45:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2006-04-14 12:42:10 (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-04-14 12:30:57 (#)
Ranking: 0
i thought it was quite witty. its a play on words! GET IT? HUH?!?!?1 GET IT? PAIN IN THE ASS!!!!!
______________
I fully understand your attempted irony, it just strikes me as something that has been said a hundred times before, or something that you hear on one of those late night Seinfeld re-runs.
---
Well, you are entitled to your opinion. Butt you know what they say about opinions? they are like buttholes, itchy, bloody and everybody has one.
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2006-04-14 12:42:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-04-14 12:30:57 (#)
Ranking: 0
i thought it was quite witty. its a play on words! GET IT? HUH?!?!?1 GET IT? PAIN IN THE ASS!!!!!
______________
I fully understand your attempted irony, it just strikes me as something that has been said a hundred times before, or something that you hear on one of those late night Seinfeld re-runs.
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-04-14 12:36:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
HAD a bleeding... HAD
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-04-14 12:35:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for ADMITTING that you have a bleeding asshole.
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-04-14 12:30:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i thought it was quite witty. its a play on words! GET IT? HUH?!?!?1 GET IT? PAIN IN THE ASS!!!!!
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2006-04-14 12:28:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I just went back and realized that the title of this is very very lame.
Submitted by STIXS (user info) at 2006-04-14 12:26:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, I liked it
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-04-14 12:26:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i meant to inlcude a pic of my roid.
its the one on the left http://www.ubersite.com/m/78616
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2006-04-14 12:24:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"I DON'T EAT ENOUGH FIBER YOU ELITIST BITCH!"
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-04-14 12:20:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed at several parts, but the title was t3h ghey buttsecks
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-04-14 12:09:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
+2 for the title