I am God's Nintendo game (1257 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dirty HumorRating: -1.64 on 28 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Big Boss (View user info) at 2006-04-14 17:22:28 EDT
Hello everyone, this is my very first post at Ubersite.
I've been going to this site for some time now, reading all your various stories some humorus, some of a more political nature....and I think maybe you'll enjoy some of mine. From the time I was born to 24 years later, I have had horrendously bad luck...and I am convinced God wishes pain upon me.
I don't make my stories up, each and every story you will see from me is all true.
I can't really prove that, but you'll just have to take my word for it. Just maybe, you'll get a laugh out of the dumb things I've done or have had happen to me. This is one of my more screwed up stories....... involving stomach trouble, hiking, ice cream, and Metal Gear Solid style stealth action.
This particular story happened in the summer of 2004.
It was 80 degrees outside, a beautiful saturday afternoon, and in the saftey of my air-conditioned domicile I was chowing down on some Chocolate Fudge Brownie Ben'n'Jerry's ice cream.
Now, few can resist this tasty confection that the wonderful duo of Ben'n'Jerry created.
It's fattening as hell, it's expensive, it's sweet enough to give you diabetes, and if you eat too much of it you will certainly regret it later.
"To hell with all that." I thought as I ate an entire pint of it in one sitting, and having emptied my pint of ice creamy goodness, I tossed into the trash recepticle and got ready to take a hike in my local state park. While I will not divuldge specifics, this park I often hike in is fairly large.
I have explored every inch of it and I hike and climb and jump around there often. Hell, I could probably do it blindfolded.
Anyway, I make it to the park, and I proceed my long hike down the various trails, and I go deep into the woods. Miles from any cabins, restrooms, or old people. Remember, this is 80 degree summer weather, and I'm starting to feel the heat, and that's when I felt something most unwelcome...a heavy weight settling itself from my stomach into my intestines, and what was worse, I could hear the process, SHKLURP! GLUMP! PLOICK! a hot boiling feeling began deep in my bowels and deepening ever still.
Oh no......oh god, no... I'm going to blast a hole in my pants and I have no idea what to do.
I was not prepared for this scenario, and now the clock's ticking down! I knew I was gonna lose
control of the situation at any moment. "Fuck!" I thought to myself, cursing at my own foolishness,
my wrongful pride. Not only was I going to have to shit out in a state park, I was going to ruin a $40 pair of perfectly good cargo shorts, and possibly my shoes as well.
"Well, if I'm gonna do this, I need to find cover." I thought as I hurredly looked about.
There! that tree and those bushes will do just fine! I took a running leap over to the tree and in one fluid motion, I spun, crouched, and proceeded to do my business.
I'm looking around, thinking about the lack of toilet paper, and then I hear the sounds...
Birds, chittring in the distance....no, not birds...People! oh no! "Double Fuck!"
I duck down even farther, as I peer through the bushes to see who is walking by, then I realized that I was only a few feet from the trail, and it was 2 women, 2 little boys walking down the trail. (you ask me, the women were a tad on the dyke side) I knew if I continued staying there, I was had.The only thing I had going for me was that I was wearing a olive green t-shirt, brown cargo shorts, and brown shoes. Splendifrific.
I had no choice but to go into stealth mode. I'm known by my friends for being able to sneak around to just about anywhere, and my friend's cousin said my voice sounds like Solid Snake from Metal Gear. Sneaking has always been a talent of mine. and I was gonna need those tricks now. I checked on my shit situation, my tank was empty, I had done the job, all that was left was the clean up. Luckily, I'm immune to poison ivy, cause I realized was in a bush full of it. I had just enough time to wipe, pull up the shorts, and get ready for some tactical espionage action.
The dyke patrol came close with kids in the front, taking point. I sneaked behind a tree near some high grass, and waited till they went around a corner, which was also on a hill directly above me.
I had been careful up to this point to stay low and watch their movements, the dykes started up the hill so I got on my belly (fuck it, I was dirty and sweaty anyway) and crawled as close to the hill as I could to minimize their visibility of me if they happened to look my way. Luck was with me, though, cause they never did.
Now with them gone, I could safely make my way up an opposite trail, and no would be the wiser. I had to sneak past a few more people, seeing as how my shorts caught just a smidge of my previous poopy excursion. I made my way to the rec center, and washed what stuff was on my shorts off, and I got to my car, and as I settled uncofortably in my seat and started the engine, I made a solemn vow then and there never to eat ice cream before a hike again.
Also, when Metal Gear Solid 3 came out,I couldn't help but laugh at the irony, most of the game is set around sneaking in the woods. My friends and I laughed ourselves senseless playing it, as it reminded us of my adventure out there.
Ever since then, when I tell that story to my friends, they always ask exactly where I had the "accident." as if it's still gonna be there.
User Reviews
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-04-17 05:08:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I
Want
My
5
Minutes
Back
Submitted by unknown9 (user info) at 2006-04-17 04:38:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Video games are cool, like you and I and unlike the mean users on this site
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2006-04-16 10:01:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
"I am God"
That's as far as I got.
The fact that you referred to God with out making reference to me = AUTO -2.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-04-16 03:14:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
This could have been good...
... but it wasn't.
Submitted by Troy (user info) at 2006-04-16 03:01:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
The title promised so much more.
Unfortunatly, the body did'nt deliver
Submitted by Grim_Hippie (user info) at 2006-04-15 21:35:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
"Also, when Metal Gear Solid 3 came out,I couldn't help but laugh at the irony, most of the game is set around sneaking in the woods."
----------------------------------------------------
You don't quite understand what irony is, do you?
-2 die
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2006-04-15 19:46:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I'm with them.
VVVVVVVVVVVVV
Submitted by extacy_red (user info) at 2006-04-15 10:42:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by phauna (user info) at 2006-04-15 10:38:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
First post.
Welcome.
Submitted by IWalkOnPavement (user info) at 2006-04-15 10:09:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I just posted for the first time too. I got much the same response.
So, you get +2 out of sympathy and understanding.
But, -2 because the post wasn't that great.
And, -2 again because you shit yourself and thought it was funny.
That equals -2 i'm afraid.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-04-15 10:03:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I hope Bruce Lee tracks you down and kicks your ass.
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2006-04-15 02:01:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
If your god's video game, he REALLY needs to hit reset and try again...
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2006-04-15 00:53:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
i fuckin love Metal Gear Solid.
i fuckin hate you.
change your name.
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2006-04-14 23:23:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2006-04-14 23:19:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
idkfa
Submitted by eppliks (user info) at 2006-04-14 19:31:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
...YUCK!
...SPEW!
...GAG!
...HORK!
...BARF!
Submitted by Confuzitron (user info) at 2006-04-14 19:27:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
"Hello everyone, this is my very first post at Ubersite."
Didn't read past that. Didn't have to.
Submitted by erosion_rules (user info) at 2006-04-14 19:05:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Hello everyone, this is my very first post at Ubersite.
=======================
No. Just no. Go sit in the corner.
You should never...EVER say that.
Submitted by secret_of_nimh (user info) at 2006-04-14 18:54:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I think I know who you are:
You know those fat kids who watch a lot (and I mean a lot) of Sci-Fi / Adventure programs, and read a lot of Sci-Fi / Adventure novels, and then get crazy notions that their disproportioned body masses can emulate some of the crazy shit they see and read? Then they go into a forest and get caught blasting diarrhea everywhere, and the "getting on my belly because I was already dirty" parts are always awkward commando rolls/summersaults that never look anything like how it may have looked in their minds?
I dunno, it was just a very funny image that came to my mind. Oh yeah, and you shit your pants.
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2006-04-14 18:44:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
your lucky its friday
Submitted by COMountain (user info) at 2006-04-14 18:10:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
God's not the only one who wishes you physical harm.
...and I can't say that I blame him anyway.
Submitted by MonkeyingAround (user info) at 2006-04-14 17:56:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Have you learned nothing from watching ubersite as you say you have? Never advertise, follow the proper format, use spell check and correct grammar, and always hook the uberusers with your first story then let them decide if they care to continue reading. You did one and a half of these. Dork.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2006-04-14 17:46:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
At least you used paragraphs.
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2006-04-14 17:34:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
"Hello everyone, this is my very first post at Ubersite."
I got this far.
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2006-04-14 17:30:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
hook me with the story first, then let me decide if I want to read the rest of your bullshit
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-04-14 17:30:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
UP DOWN UP DOWN LEFT RIGHT LEFT RIGHT B A START
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-04-14 17:29:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
R L R L R L R L A B A B B A
Congratulations! You've unlocked Auto -2 Mode!
Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2006-04-14 17:27:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Wow. You shit your pants. Congratulations.