The Dude Upstairs (Chapter 14) (2173 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.89 on 56 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Grimm <grimmjuice.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2006-04-17 06:33:18 EDT
I get home from work Friday evening to find a note on my door from Dude.
"Tell me when you get home." It says.
So I go straight up the stairs and knock on Dude's door.
"Open!" he yells from inside, so I enter.
Dude is sitting at his table and (I'm not making this up) coloring Easter eggs. He has 2 dozen eggs sitting on the table, and he looks about halfway through them. He's not doing anything fancy, just dumping them in 6 different color vats.
"Hey." I say.
"Beer in the fridge," he says, concentrating. I figure Dude has certainly drank enough of my beer, so what the hell? I open his fridge door and grab one, also noting that Dude has fridge contents similar to most of us, nothing too interesting.
I sit down at his kitchen table and watch him for a few seconds.
"Feel free to join in," he says, whilst bending the metal thingy that PAAS gives you to lift the eggs out. I pick up a white egg and drop it into the blue dye. What fun.
"I hate you." Dude says, out of no where, and still not looking at me.
"Ha. How come?"
"Fuck you."
"Um...ok, what's the matter?"
"I still can't believe it." He says.
"Is this gonna take a really long time?" I ask, taking a sip of beer.
"Julie asked me if you were single." (Read Chapter 13 for who Julie is)
"WHAT! NO FUCKING WAY!!!"
"Way."
"THAT'S FUCKING AMAZING!!! NO WAY!" I notice that I have stood up and am staring at the Dude like kids stare at cartoons.
"Yeah. She sent me an email today."
"Where is it?!? I wanna see."
"I printed it out, it's over there on the stool."
I go over and pick up two pages that are stapled together. It's a typical email conversation printout, so you actually have to start at the bottom of page 2 and work backwards.
Dude let me keep it - so here it is verbatim (with some censoring and corrections to spelling and grammer cuz I'm OCD like that, just take a look at the fucking salad if you want proof):
(Dude)-
Can you help me with the (CENSORED STUFF)? I liked the (CENSORED STUFF THAT THE DUDE DID AT WORK WHICH SOUNDS IMPRESSIVE)
Btw - the guy downstairs - what's his name again? Is he single?
(Julie)
I almost don't wanna read what the Dude said about me, but I'll have to in order to know what to tell Julie was a lie.
(Julie)-
Yeah I can help you with that, I still have the (CRAP FROM THE CRAP).
His name's (Grimm). He's funny, but he's gay. I think he's single.
(Dude)
"I can't fucking believe that you told her I was gay!" I scream at him.
"Keep reading." Dude says, still working on his eggs.
(Dude) -
Gay? Not a chance. Not the way he looked at me.
(Julie)
Which sounds a little arrogant, but if you saw the chick, you'd forgive her.
(Julie) -
What do you care about him for? He's up tight and he does lots of gay shit. And he eats weird stuff, thinks he's a chef or something.
(Dude)
(Dude) -
He cooks, too? I liked his voice, and he was watching one of my favorite movies. Can you tell him that I'm interested?
(Julie)
(Julie)-
He smokes a lot and drinks all the time.
(Dude)
"I'm going to fucking kill you!" I say
"Ha-ha" Dude says, and I smack the back of his head, causing him to drop an egg.
"Shit," he says and starts cleaning it up while I keep reading.
(Dude)
He smokes? Yuck! Well, as long as he doesn't around me it might be ok...
(Julie)
(Julie)
I'll tell him next time I see him. But, the last time I was in his place I saw a lot of porn.
(Dude)
In a split second, I think of 60 different ways to torture Dude to death.
(Dude)
What kind of porn?
(Julie)
Wow...Two points for Julie...
(Julie)
Mostly foot fetish stuff. He'll be home soon, I'll tell him. You want him to call you?
(Dude)
"Fucking foot fetish?!!" I yell.
"Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha - thought you'd like that."
(Dude)
Foot fetish? You're full of crap, (Dude). Jealous much?
(Julie)
And that's where it ends.
"Ha, she saw through your bullshit." I said. "What's her number?"
"I'll get it for you when I'm done." He says, continuing with his eggs. "How was work?"
"WHERE'S HER FUCKING NUMBER YOU ASSHOLE??!?!"
Dude looks up, startled. He stares at me a moment.
"Sheesh." He says. "Decaf, maybe?" and gets up and goes into his living room and comes back with a scrap of paper. He gives it to me and I leave my unfinished beer on his kitchen table and head downstairs and dial.
"Hello?" I instantly recognize her sweet sweet voice.
"Um...hi, (Julie)?"
"Yes..." she says.
"This is um...(Grimm)...we met last night - I was watching Casablanca?"
"Hi, how are you?" she asks warmly.
"I'm...uh...doing pretty good" (except that I sound like a tool) "How about you?"
"O.K., getting some studying done."
"Oh, is it a bad time?" I ask, and then want to kill myself for sounding so meek.
"No, it's cool. What's up?" she says, I can hear the smile in her voice. She knows exactly why I'm calling...
"I was...um...wondering if you'd like to...(come over to my house so I can light candles all around you and worship your very essence...have a drink sometime?"
"Sure. When?" she says simply. I consider asking her to hang on while I jerk off, but that would be rude.
"Is tomorrow too soon?" (Or I could come get you right now and we could be married by dawn)
"No. Can you pick me up around 7?"
"Absolutely." I say, and I realize that I sound like I'm grinning like a buffoon, which I am.
I get directions from her and we hang up.
"Absolutely," I hear a voice say. I turn around, and there's Dude, mocking my voice. I left my apartment door open, and he wandered right in.
"HAHA!!!!" I say. "I'm takin' her for a drink tomorrow!" I tell Dude triumphantly.
"Cool. If you fuck her you gotta tell me about it."
"No way!"
"Then do me a favor."
"What?"
"You owe me now, I got you a date."
"I don't owe you shit, you tried to fuck me up!"
"Hide my eggs."
"What?"
"Hide my eggs for me."
"Are you fucking kidding me?"
"No. I like looking for them."
"What are you, six?"
"Haha."
"It's the Friday before Easter."
"So? I won't even be home for Easter."
I stare at him.
"OK. Go hide in your bathroom."
Dude turns around and leaves to go upstairs. I hear him close his bathroom door.
I grab a plastic bag, go up to his place, take all the eggs out the carton and put them carefully in the plastic bag. Then I wander around his apartment, making noise and moving shit. I grab a beer out of his fridge, and tell him I'm done as I walk back downstairs with all his eggs in the bag.
So I had Egg Salad for lunch on Saturday.
It's now Sunday as I write this for a Monday morning posting, and the date went well. Dude wasn't involved in any way, so I won't waste your time.
He never did ask me about the eggs, though...maybe he found some from last year.
User Reviews
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2008-01-23 05:04:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
better n fookin seinfeld
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-01-03 16:59:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Dervish (user info) at 2007-07-13 09:28:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I just read every single one of these, in sequential order.
You now owe me the following:
1. A new set of pants (peed them laughing)
2. A new keyboard (spit coffee on it repeatedly)
3. A written explanation to my boss as to why I spend the first half hour of work giggling like an idiot
You will notice that I did NOT include "the half hour I spent reading your posts". That was well-spent.
Good show.
Submitted by southernmiss (user info) at 2006-04-20 13:55:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Um , I like did read them. Thats like watching a movie and only catching the last five minutes.
To bad you let her post under your uber name..........I thought you were cool....
cries emo tears
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2006-04-20 13:14:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by southernmiss (user info) at 2006-04-20 13:09:40 (#)
Ranking: 2
This is awesome. I want to know all about you and the Dude.
___________________
All 14 chapter are readily available. Read them before I trademark them into a book and get rich and buy uber and buy some women and some ak-47's and some.....never mind.
Submitted by southernmiss (user info) at 2006-04-20 13:09:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is awesome. I want to know all about you and the Dude.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2006-04-19 23:13:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHA
I wonder how long he ran around looking for the eggs.
Submitted by jme7551 (user info) at 2006-04-19 16:26:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think I'm in love with (Dude)! He just sounds like tons of silly fun!!
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2006-04-18 12:37:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
FOR ALL THOSE WHO ARE WISHING FOR A PIC OF THE DUDE:
It will be a while, but once the weather gets nice I plan on inviting him and others over to my place for a barbecue, and I will take pics of him then, in the group, this way it's not suspicious in any way. I warn you though, before I post his pic online I will white out the important parts of his face so that he is unidentifiable. I've bashed him endlessly and I wont take the chance that he discovers his celebrity uber status one day.
Submitted by crsunlimited (user info) at 2006-04-18 11:30:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You really should submit a picture of the Dude. If you havn't cracked all the eggs yet I suggest you hid a couple outside, then when he finds them and asks about the rest you can say "You mean you only found 2?" and act surprised, and maybe leave one at his door like a present. Or better yet....Dye a non-boiled egg and leave it at his door as a present.
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-04-18 09:05:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
:D
Submitted by Chi_Guy (user info) at 2006-04-18 08:55:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love these stories. A perfect way to start my day.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-18 06:37:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/86759#1937634
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2006-04-18 05:55:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by deedee (user info) at 2006-04-18 00:10:34 (#)
Ranking: 1
can we get a pic of that salad??
still tho, ya cudve thought of better things to do with his eggs, slightly mean just to steal em on him, poor lil kid... :(
-----------------------
Man, your posts are going to be painful.
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2006-04-18 05:54:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I consider asking her to hang on while I jerk off, but that would be rude.
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2006-04-18 05:36:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love these so much. I swear they make my day sometimes. Hiding the eggs, was fucking genious and...ok time to stop brown nosing.
Bravo
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-04-18 05:21:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DrBenway0 (user info) at 2006-04-18 04:33:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
I just read the whole thread in one sitting. I'm speechless.
Submitted by DrBenway0 (user info) at 2006-04-18 04:33:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I just read the whole thread in one sitting. I'm speechless.
Submitted by deedee (user info) at 2006-04-18 00:10:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
can we get a pic of that salad??
still tho, ya cudve thought of better things to do with his eggs, slightly mean just to steal em on him, poor lil kid... :(
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2006-04-17 18:51:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2006-04-17 10:34:57 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-04-17 10:33:13 (#)
Ranking: 2
you were mean not to hide his eggs.
_________________
He told a HOT HOT girl that I like foot porn!!!!!! I'm gonna hide his eggs??? I should have poisoned them.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
She obviously knew he was fucking around. Frankly, it sounds like the dude is the best friend you have lately. Look at it from our perspective. He's like a psuedo-little brother to you. He fucks with you, makes attempts to cockblock you (that are in no way believable, by the way), leaves you insane presents, ect... and he hooks you up with the girl.
He's reaching out to you. The series is hilarious and I can truly understand your stand on all of this, but think about this from Dude's point of view. Honestly, you can't really think he's got many real friends. He's got the intelligence to be a microbiologist, but he doesn't have the common sense or social skills of a masturbating monkey. He legitimately doesn't know how to behave and I think he somewhat looks to you for guidance and friendship. If he had game, he'd be dating Julie already. However, instead of going to Jenny Smith's birthday party at RollerWorld in the sixth grade he was in his parents' basement with beatle guts under a microscope.
Be nice to him. At very least for hooking you up with Julie.
Submitted by jokr2581 (user info) at 2006-04-17 17:05:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Lmao another great dude post.
Submitted by pragmatic (user info) at 2006-04-17 16:49:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha ha ha another excellent dude post
But now I'm left wondering how yr date with teh hotness Julie went?
Submitted by BrownEyedGirrl (user info) at 2006-04-17 16:38:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"What are you, six?"
===========================
made me laugh out loud!!!!!
Hope you offered DUDE some of your egg salad!!
Submitted by COMountain (user info) at 2006-04-17 15:54:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You never to ask a girl to hang on while you rub one off, you just do it.
Anytime, anywhere... it's just our nature.
I make sure to scream that at people with staring problems.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-04-17 12:51:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
excellent way to reel in the audience - the only thing is, I woulda suggested leaving one or two eggs for hi to find, otherwise, he will quickly suspect that you rooked him out of his eggs.
Submitted by syndl (user info) at 2006-04-17 12:24:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Another great Dude moment. You are a bad, bad Easter Bunny.
Submitted by fuzzy_buzz (user info) at 2006-04-17 11:39:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 Easter Egg hunt, yayyyy
Submitted by extacy_red (user info) at 2006-04-17 11:29:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TheCrystalShip (user info) at 2006-04-17 11:29:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Yeah, that was mean. You shouldn't pick on people like that. You are hurting the Dude's feelings.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-04-17 10:38:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2006-04-17 10:34:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-04-17 10:33:13 (#)
Ranking: 2
you were mean not to hide his eggs.
_________________
He told a HOT HOT girl that I like foot porn!!!!!! I'm gonna hide his eggs??? I should have poisoned them.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-04-17 10:33:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you were mean not to hide his eggs.
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2006-04-17 10:26:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by recall (user info) at 2006-04-17 10:19:03 (#)
Ranking: 2
Worthwhile as always, even if your OCD ass missed a close parentheses
"I was...um...wondering if you'd like to...(come over to my house so I can light candles all around you and worship your very essence...have a drink sometime?"
___________
Yikes - thanks for the headsup.
Submitted by recall (user info) at 2006-04-17 10:19:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Worthwhile as always, even if your OCD ass missed a close parentheses
"I was...um...wondering if you'd like to...(come over to my house so I can light candles all around you and worship your very essence...have a drink sometime?"
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-17 10:12:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-04-17 10:02:39 (#)
Ranking: 2
"I consider asking her to hang on while I jerk off, but that would be rude. " - nice
hilarity, real men don't run around with girls underwear on their head.
---
WRONG
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-04-17 10:02:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I consider asking her to hang on while I jerk off, but that would be rude. " - nice
hilarity, real men don't run around with girls underwear on their head. they hang them from their rearview mirror.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-04-17 10:01:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2006-04-17 09:54:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I made the socks afterwards, silly.
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2006-04-17 09:47:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2006-04-17 09:42:50 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2006-04-17 09:38:59 (#)
Ranking: 2
You have pink socks on, don't you?
________________
Yes, I made them myself out of the undies you mailed me. :-)
-------------
Well, at least you put them to good use and didn't run around your Apt. with them on your head.
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2006-04-17 09:42:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2006-04-17 09:38:59 (#)
Ranking: 2
You have pink socks on, don't you?
________________
Yes, I made them myself out of the undies you mailed me. :-)
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2006-04-17 09:38:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What do you mean, no shopping? You told me you were going to the yarn store because you were making this massive doily for you couch.
You have pink socks on, don't you?
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2006-04-17 09:36:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by NotSteve (user info) at 2006-04-17 09:28:35 (#)
Ranking: 2
I bet you make a great shopping partner.
_______________
Steve, notsteve, whoever you are - don't listen to the Dude. I'M NOT GAY. Therefore, we won't go shopping together for _anything_. Except handguns. Grrrr.
:-)
Submitted by NotSteve (user info) at 2006-04-17 09:28:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I bet you make a great shopping partner.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-04-17 09:12:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Greedy fucker
Submitted by JustPassingBy (user info) at 2006-04-17 09:02:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bloody awesome!
Looking forward to more from the dude from upstairs!
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-04-17 08:58:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2006-04-17 08:52:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-04-17 08:39:21 (#)
Ranking: 2
You better set up your webcam to get a few shots of her or I'm gonna start callin shenanigans
___________________
If I had a pic, I'd save it all for myself!
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-04-17 08:39:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You better set up your webcam to get a few shots of her or I'm gonna start callin shenanigans
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2006-04-17 08:10:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I need to meet this guy.
Submitted by MichelleNJ (user info) at 2006-04-17 08:03:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha... hiding Easter eggs.
He could have hid them himself, smoked himself retarded and then looked for them.
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2006-04-17 07:56:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-04-17 07:51:30 (#)
Ranking: 2
Maybe I'm late, but what happened to Daniel?
_____________
It didn't work out with _Danielle_ and I, I only posted minimal stuff about it, but feel free to go back and check.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-04-17 07:51:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Maybe I'm late, but what happened to Daniel?
Submitted by mellocakes (user info) at 2006-04-17 07:21:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Is the dude at all attractive? I seem to go for that sort of weirdo...
Submitted by georgemichael (user info) at 2006-04-17 07:12:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
another tops post
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-17 06:54:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Post pictures. Or videos.
Not of the dude. I've lost interest in him. Teh hotness that is the Julie needs to be shared.
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2006-04-17 06:43:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Sure. When?" she says simply. I consider asking her to hang on while I jerk off, but that would be rude.
----------------
...and what are we really, as human beings, if we don't have manners? Ha.