Potlicker, Archie, and Two Kinds of Goo: Getting my Ass Kicked on the Toilet. (3358 hits)
Category: GraphicsLabels: Untruth
Rating: 1.6 on 52 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Snark << snarkk.at.gmail.com (View user info) at 2006-04-18 15:14:38 EDT
I totally wrecked my collection of Archie Comics last night, which officially makes it the worst evening of my life.
It all started when my cat rubbed his boner on my pizza pop.
I was sitting on the toilet, dough covered goodness in one hand, roll bar held firmly with the other (I typically pull between 3 and 4 G's during my dinner poo.) when I felt something warm and wet slide over my thumb. I looked down and there was Potlicker balanced precariously on my lap and pushing his little kitty torpedo against the best thing to ever come out of the enchanted land that is the General Mills factory.
My survival instincts kicked in immediately. You see, I learned a long time ago that it's not wise to interrupt Potlicker when he's caught in the throes of passion and I have the scars to prove it, so I froze, or tried to anyways. I closed my eyes and did my best to find my chi but my sphincter was already committed to its task and clenched in protest, which in turn made me unconsciously clench my left hand, which in turn sent a gout of molten petroleum byproduct up and into the space between my best friend's hind legs.
The room filled with the sound of screaming cat and sizzling meat, and then Potlicker was gone and all that was left was a heat shimmer and several red puncture holes on my legs.
I haven't seen him since, which worries me. He's either hurt real bad or he hates me more than that time I gave him shit when I caught him tea bagging me after I passed out after watching the 48 hour Fantasy Island marathon on TBS.
My cat has a gentle soul but his temper leaves a little something to be desired.
Fortunately, I was able to finish the rest of my business and dinner uninterrupted though somewhat unfulfilled, as most of the filling was missing from my pizza pop and I had mailed the rest of the box to Paris Hilton earlier in the day.
I wiped the sweat from my forehead, pulled my Hong Kong Fuey bathrobe around me, then wandered across the room and settled down on my beanbag chair for the late night Mork and Mindy marathon on TBS.
See, this is my nightly ritual. It's my existence, my thing. It's what I do and I likes it just fine: Eat, Poo, Watch T.V. Every night. In that order. Always. No exceptions. No deviations.
I don't need religion. I don't need no 'Higher Purpose'. I got everything I want right here in this place. I got my best friend, my apartment, 16 leafy green plants, Betty, Veronica, T.V., and the magical cheque the government sends me once a month to pay me for being me. Oh yeah, I got a computer too but it hasn't worked in like six months. I was stress testing my video card, I got a little out of hand, and now there are like 1167 frozen images of Ms Hilton - her face caught mid suck - scattered across the screen. The hard drive has been running nonstop ever since, caught in some kind of sucky fucky divide by zero error.
Every once in awhile one of the frozen movie boxes onscreen will play for a second and the room will fill with a short guttural Paris noise like "Gak" or "Eurrg".
Whatever.
I still get off.
So anyways, I was watching Mindy drag Mork around their apartment by his cool red suspenders when three things immediately came to mind.
1.0 - It's fucking hard to sit on your head and watch T.V. when you're on a beanbag chair. The little beads inside the chair keep shifting out of the way and before you know it, your head is sitting painfully on the cement, your ability to see and breath are severely hampered, and everything smells like ass.
2.0 - I didn't know what 'Nanoo Nanoo' means exactly but I'm gonna find out. It sounds Hebrew. I'll ask JMG maybe.
3.0 - There was something sliding down from the top corner of the Holy Tower of Archie, which stood swaying serenely as usual beside the T.V.
3.1 - It feels weird when gravity pulls your junk the other way.
O.K. that's like four things. Fuck you. You're missing the point here, which is as follows:
Nobody, and I mean NOBODY. Not God, not Satan, not nothing in between, fucks with the tower.
To fuck with the tower is death. To fuck with the tower is PAIN!
And so it is written:
"LO! Tho you walk through the valley of Snark, woe be to you who touches the Tower of Archie, because Jesus may love the little children of Bethlehem or some shit, but that ain't gonna help you if I get Iraq Jail Guard on your ass, which will definitely happen to each and every one of you motherfuckers. In the name of the father, the son, and sweet fancy Moses. Amen... or some shit."
I sat there on my head, eyes frozen in disbelief, and then Paris Hilton said "mmmmfff" and I had an orgasm and fell over.
Immediately I learned two things:
If you're gonna fall over you might as well orgasm while doing it.
If you orgasm while standing on your head, there's only one place for... uhhh... stuff... to go.
I swear to God that it feels like a colony of slugs took up residence in my sinuses. I don't know how porn stars do it but I think I understand why so many good looking women - and half the male actors in Hollywood - kinda look cross-eyed.
I stumbled to my feet, blew my nose, and stared in disbelief at the trail of imitation cheese dripping from the ceiling to land on the tower.
I closed my eyes and told myself that it was just a bad dream but when I opened them, the tower was still being defiled.
I grabbed a shirt off the floor and tried to wipe it off but the cheese had already dried to the consistency of space shuttle heat tile and I couldn't get it off without damaging the paper underneath, so I did the only thing I could think of to soften it again.
I heated it up, with a lighter.
Within seconds, everything I held dear in the world was in flames and there was nothing I could do but kick it into the fire pit by the couch before the ceiling caught fire.
Then I smoked a fatty and went to sleep.
So there it is friends, the worst fucking night of my life, the worst single disaster ever to befall me, or humanity for that matter.
I guess I can't really blame Potlicker. He was just doing what comes natural and he musta really been in a hurry judging from the grease smear on the roof, and it's not like there wasn't anything good came out of the whole episode.
I learned that a person can find an inner strength they never had before when disaster strikes and there's a full bowl available for smoking.
I learned that cats don't teabag you in the middle of the night when they have molten cheese stuff burnt onto their sack.
I learned that life isn't just about eating and shitting and watching T.V. It's about survival and perseverance, and I think I know why Mork is always so fuckin happy regardless of how much Mindy is pissed off.
It's about 'Nanoo Nanno' friends, cuz those two words don't just mean whatever the hell the Jews meant it too.
It also means "Look at me. I just lost everything but that's ok cuz there's no hot cheese on my balls."
Yeah.
Nanoo Nanoo Bitches.
Nanoo right up your ass.
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User Reviews
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-09-17 16:42:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I REMEMBER this piece of shit!
Submitted by Stabkill (user info) at 2008-09-17 16:23:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Alter (user info) at 2007-09-26 22:34:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No, Comment.
Submitted by ColchesterDr (user info) at 2006-10-03 04:02:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2006-04-20 16:44:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"LO! Tho you walk through the valley of Snark, woe be to you who touches the Tower of Archie, because Jesus may love the little children of Bethlehem or some shit, but that ain't gonna help you if I get Iraq Jail Guard on your ass, which will definitely happen to each and every one of you motherfuckers. In the name of the father, the son, and sweet fancy Moses. Amen... or some shit."
And the Snark spake, and it was good.
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2006-04-19 16:33:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You lose at life
Submitted by v8lover (user info) at 2006-04-19 15:32:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the grow op "16 leafy green plants"
Submitted by xanderd (user info) at 2006-04-19 09:25:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
he-hee
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2006-04-19 08:55:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-19 04:48:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2006-04-18 18:11:17 (#)
Ranking: 1
Nanoo nanoo is a sort of greeting. Mork made it up or some shit. You put your hand on your forehead and look like a deranged slug. That's about it.
---
Thanks for clearing that up Hurty.
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2006-04-19 03:13:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
man you were going straight for a -2 until the last eight or nine sentences...
...and my incredible rush of dopamine attributed to heavy drug use.
Nanoo, whore.
Nanoo indeed.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-04-19 03:06:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nice title. very original.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-04-19 02:59:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
heh
Submitted by tammy (user info) at 2006-04-18 23:15:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by tammy (user info) at 2006-04-18 23:11:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh my god
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-04-18 23:09:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Shenanigans.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-04-18 22:56:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Um...
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2006-04-18 22:43:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My nigga....
Send that PC to me, and it'll be good as new in 36 hours. How many times I gotta tell ya? Hit me up with an email.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-04-18 22:24:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ampersand (user info) at 2006-04-18 22:00:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
+2 for "If you're gonna fall over you might as well orgasm while doing it."
-1 for gross details about blowing a load in your own mouth.
Submitted by Kent_Weirdo (user info) at 2006-04-18 19:15:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have a small collection of Archie Digest mags, too.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2006-04-18 19:03:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The hard drive has been running nonstop ever since, caught in some kind of sucky fucky divide by zero error.
HAHAHAHA I like this.
I have no pot. I might as well go to bed early.
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2006-04-18 18:38:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Plus fucking two
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2006-04-18 18:11:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Nanoo nanoo is a sort of greeting. Mork made it up or some shit. You put your hand on your forehead and look like a deranged slug. That's about it.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-04-18 17:49:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Editorial Reviews
Book Description
Today Michael Bamberger is one of the top sportswriters in the world, but twenty years ago, at the tender age of twenty-four, he reached the summit of another field—professional golf. He set no course records, made no monstrous putts, and no television cameras followed him around. But the writer received a golf education most fans only dream about: He spent six months caddying on the PGA Tour.
Part sports book, part travel-adventure, The Green Road Home is the book that launched Bamberger's career. For six months he carried the bags of some of the game's finest, most promising, and most colorful characters—from legends such as Al Geiberger ("Mr. 59") and George Archer, to up-and-comers like Brad Faxon, Steve Elkington and Shlongy — in tournaments ranging from the Byron Nelson Classic to the British Open to the PGA Championship.
The Green Road Home is an entertaining and insightful behind-the-scenes account of days and nights on the PGA Tour; a true classic of sports writing.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-04-18 17:29:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Pretty good, but you know it's all true.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-04-18 17:27:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
What I've noticed is that chicks like paperbacks - and take months to read one book, which ends up looking like shit by the time they finish it - while guys read hardcover books, usually in 48 hours - and we treat them with the delicacy of handling a newborn baby - so it'll look good on our bookshelves, which, as in my case, are really a reflection of who we really are, deep inside.
I should post a picture of my living room bookshelves with a post sometime. I have to admit...it is the coolest looking thing ever. Had them built into the walls by a master cabinet maker who's fine craftsmanship was matched only by his ability to overcharge my ass.
You'll like the book, if you have any gonads at all. Which, I realize, is kind of iffy.
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2006-04-18 17:26:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The room filled with the sound of screaming cat and sizzling meat
______________________
Sounds like you'll never have to worry about your cat's boner again.
When you refer to "pizza pop," are you talking about some kind of exploding pizza, or just pizza-flavored soda?
Submitted by Coleslaw_Murphy (user info) at 2006-04-18 17:26:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"..it feels like a colony of slugs took up residence in my sinuses."
Truly horrifying.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2006-04-18 17:19:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Money don't mean shit. I've met plenty of scumbags with big fat bank accounts.
I'll look for that book though. There are some pretty extensive second hand book stores around.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-04-18 17:15:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Actually, I read lots of books but stay completely away from fiction - strictly a non-fiction kind of macho guy, leaning toward autobiographies and golf books.
100 hardcovers, too. Because I have class. And money.
Shlongy's "hot pick" for today? "The Green Road Home" by Michael Bamberger.
It's out of print but if you can find it, it'll be well worth it. Bamberger's an excellent writer.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2006-04-18 16:54:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-04-18 16:53:17 (#)
Ranking: -2
Are you shitting me, Wally?
I've had a subscription to Sports Illustrated since 1974. That counts as reading.
=================
Not shitting you at all Shirley. You know it's true.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-04-18 16:53:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Are you shitting me, Wally?
I've had a subscription to Sports Illustrated since 1974. That counts as reading.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2006-04-18 16:46:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-04-18 16:43:51 (#)
Ranking: 1
Thanks for thinking of me, Slick, but I only to spank it to "homemadevideos.com" and to the pictures I have of your girlfriend gobbling my knob.
===================
Somewhere on your shelf is a book called "Grade 6 Insults for Idiots."
It's the only thing you've read besides ubersite and Skank Magazine in at least a year.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-04-18 16:43:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Thanks for thinking of me, Slick, but I only to spank it to "homemadevideos.com" and to the pictures I have of your girlfriend gobbling my knob.
Submitted by BrownEyedGirrl (user info) at 2006-04-18 16:32:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"The room filled with the sound of screaming cat"
ha ha ha ha!!!!
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2006-04-18 16:12:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Cat's are here to remind us that the only reason we rule the planet is cuz they allow us too.
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-04-18 16:10:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
cats are so gross. i truly do not understand their function as pets.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2006-04-18 16:08:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Shlongy, you owe me a +2 for providing you spank material.
If Fagpuss ain't for you, I don't know who it's for.
Submitted by MonkeyingAround (user info) at 2006-04-18 15:54:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2006-04-18 15:49:37 (#)
Ranking: 0
I just slit my wrists the wrong way and swallowed like 6 whole aspirin at the same time.
-----------------------------
haha poser slits! It was still a good read though.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2006-04-18 15:49:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I just slit my wrists the wrong way and swallowed like 6 whole aspirin at the same time.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2006-04-18 15:41:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by dove666 (user info) at 2006-04-18 15:37:16 (#)
Ranking: 0
So.....you eat while you shit?
Not good.
You then watch TV?
Why not do all 3 at once?
=======================
Uh that would make perfect sense except... It's all a LIE OK? You happy now? You FUCKING HAPPY?
There I admitted it. This never happened.
Fucking party poopers on this site anyways.
I hope you all burn in hell.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-04-18 15:37:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Since I can't give you a +1.5, here's a +1. Go out and have drinks to celebrate it.
Submitted by dove666 (user info) at 2006-04-18 15:37:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
So.....you eat while you shit?
Not good.
You then watch TV?
Why not do all 3 at once?
Submitted by dove666 (user info) at 2006-04-18 15:35:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-04-18 15:34:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This one makes far too much sense.
I enjoyed trying to reason my way through the first post. You don't want to know the connections and assumptions I've made and come to...
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2006-04-18 15:32:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Cool,
I'm in.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-04-18 15:28:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't fade away Snarkopolous. You're one of my favorites on thi site.
AND, join this contest: http://www.ubersite.com/m/86769
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2006-04-18 15:20:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Nah.
Ima burn out before I fade away... which I might have just done.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-04-18 15:19:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Better.
I thought Snarky was going out in a Pokey Pecker-esque blaze of not-so-glory.
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-04-18 15:16:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Whoa.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-04-18 15:15:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaahahhaahhaah
I was wondering what the fuck the other one was about.