REPOST They won't let me be a corporate whore no more (now with hopefully non-bmp camwhorely goodness) (828 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 0.37 on 29 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Lucylou (View user info) at 2006-04-18 20:21:17 EDT
Every year my firm does its annual recruitment drive, trying to lure in fresh young law graduates to replace all the solicitors that take off overseas each year (it's not really the "done thing" to carry on working as a lawyer in New Zealand after your three year sentence has been served).
I am always invited to the recruitment functions. This is for a number of reasons:
1. Firstly, I'm a talkative person. And who better to expound the virtues of a firm than someone who loves nothing better than the sound of their own voice?;
2. Secondly, I am a female (at least I was last time I checked). This goes directly against the big firm stereotype, that it is a "blokey" culture. And it is a blokey culture. It so is. It's the sort of place where if you can't join in a "boat race" at the Christmas party, you'll be crying in the toilets before year end, such is the scorn piled upon you. Anyway, the firm basically holds me up as proof that they hire women, so I have to be on my best girly behaviour (skirt-swishing, eyelash-batting and hair-flicking a must);
3. Finally, I got my law degree at a university other than Auckland. I am therefore a rare, almost unknown, creature. Again, I'm simply a prop the firm uses to try to break down their stereotypical hiring policies.
So that's how I came to find myself up in our firm's bar, downing far too many wines and choking down the pretentious shit they were passing off as food (seriously, for our normal drinks we get the solid spring roll and samosa combo, some hot chips, maybe some chicken...last night that had caviar. CAVIAR. I was so disgusted when I saw it that I threw up in my serviette and gave it to the waitress). In fact, this is where the problems started. Too many wines + too little food = one drunk, obnoxious, slightly offensive Lucylou.
Don't get me wrong, I started off the evening as charming as can be. "Let me tell you a little about my life as a corporate lawyer", I said to the possible recruits with a beguiling smile. I sung the praises of the firm's quality of work, the loveliness of the people I worked with, the subsidised gym, the lush social functions, the opportunities overseas. I smiled, I charmed, I enticed. I flagged down food-carriers, plied them with drinks and basically performed like a monkey with a freaking barrel organ.
That was until my third glass of wine.
After that, things get a little hazy. I like to think it wasn't too obvious that I was fiercely flirting with one of the better looking recruits. Or that he wasn't flirting back (in fact, he was leaning back away from me so far he almost knocked over a lamp).
I'm hoping that no one took me seriously when I announced that all the alcohol in the world didn't make this a great place to work, and that I was "outta here...hic" as soon as my three years were up. In fact, I'm sure they weren't even listening to what I was saying, seeing as my skirt was hitched up in my knickers for a good ten minutes of the conversation.
And I'm pretty sure they'll all have forgotten that, as the potential recruits went home to get a good night's sleep before their interviews today, I chased them out to the lifts, shrieking "RUN! RUN NOW! IF YOU RUN NOW YOU CAN AVOID THE BOG OF ETERNAL STENCH! FLEE! VAMOOSE! SCAT! YOU NEEDN'T LOOK BACK! NEEDN'T!!!". Actually, I'm sure for that last part my voice was so high that only dogs would have been able to hear me anyway.
Yes, I'm pretty sure that most of my drunken behaviour last night went unnoticed.
But I'm pretty sure I won't be invited to any more recruitment functions.
User Reviews
Submitted by georgemichael (user info) at 2006-05-22 00:12:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
WOW! thanks for the update
Submitted by Lucylou (user info) at 2006-05-22 00:02:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Update! Have been invited back to ANOTHER recruitment function for Wednesday night. I seriously think my employers are crazy, or suckers for punishment. Or maybe the new recruits just enjoy drunkards. I'm sure I'm entertaining...
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2006-05-15 23:29:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
wow you look exactly like the actress Lucy Lou! You probably get that all the time.
Submitted by pragmatic (user info) at 2006-05-15 23:04:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Just rereading posts
I'm in Christchurch now
Many good nights to be had at the Outback in Dunners, I miss the place... *sniffs*
I'm not a bar whore any more so have yet to sample the delights of alcoholic Christchurch.
Submitted by dr_weazel (user info) at 2006-04-20 16:40:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Lucylou (user info) at 2006-04-19 18:08:40 (#)
Ranking: 0
Everything you ever wanted to know about dr_weazel
User id: 26490
Registered on or around: 2006-04-18 20:58:02
# Messages posted: 0
# Reviews written: 1
# Times these posts have been reviewed : 0
# Hits: 0
Average rating of all messages: 0.00
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I can't believe you used your first review EVER to bitch about non-Aucklanders.
I live in Auckland now, does that help?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I cant believe you actually went to the effort of checking my user info to find out that it's my first review ever.
and no, it doesn't help.
Submitted by Lucylou (user info) at 2006-04-19 18:08:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Everything you ever wanted to know about dr_weazel
User id: 26490
Registered on or around: 2006-04-18 20:58:02
# Messages posted: 0
# Reviews written: 1
# Times these posts have been reviewed : 0
# Hits: 0
Average rating of all messages: 0.00
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I can't believe you used your first review EVER to bitch about non-Aucklanders.
I live in Auckland now, does that help?
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-04-19 16:00:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for not being from Australia
Submitted by Cyrus (user info) at 2006-04-19 13:34:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Here you go dear, have another nice +2
Pay no attention to those bad men down below...
For Christ sakes, with all the damn Brits we have here and even a few South Africans, not to mention one extremely crabby little French-Canuck, you'd think all incoming Kiwis would be WELCOME WITH FUCKING OPEN ARMS DAMMIT!
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-04-19 07:39:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Hey...don't get me wrong - I LOVE whores - I'm just giving the usual rating out for re-posts, vagina or not.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-04-19 07:04:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh heh, this was pretty well done and well written. And you're not so bad looking, either! Tell me more about your legal briefs.
Oh god, I think I just made the lamest joke ever. AWESOME!
Submitted by dr_weazel (user info) at 2006-04-19 06:06:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Auto NZ +2
-4 for thinking anything south of the Bombay Hills is worthy (of anything).
Camwhore with medium hotness +2
Submitted by Lucylou (user info) at 2006-04-19 01:13:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ouch - excuse me as I try to recover from that burn!
Waikato Uni is about the only thing there is in Hamilton...besides...um...a river...and...uh...the Outback.
We can't even say we're the chlamydia capital of New Zealand anymore, apparently someplace random has overtaken us.
Aah Dunedin, many a good night was spent by me in Gardies - and some Irish Bar (I was always so drunk when I went there I have no recollection of its name, Kitty O'Shea's springs to mind but I think that's in Wellington).
Where you based now?
Submitted by pragmatic (user info) at 2006-04-19 00:36:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WAIKATO????
There's a university there?
I'm ex Dunedin. I'm sure that's the only Uni in NZ
Submitted by Lucylou (user info) at 2006-04-18 23:04:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
pragmatic -
wait for it...I got my degree in the Mighty Waikato.
I feel dirty just for saying that!
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-04-18 22:33:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
RUN CHILDREN, IT'S THE HORSE FACED KILLA UP IN THIS BEEEEEEEEEOTCH
Submitted by pragmatic (user info) at 2006-04-18 22:31:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Auto NZ +2
And it was a good post
Where did you get yr degree?
Submitted by Lucylou (user info) at 2006-04-18 22:16:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-04-18 21:00:06 (#)
Ranking: -2
You can't fool Shlongy. You stink.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Take pleasure in the fact that I was not trying to fool you, kind sir. I made no representations as to my odour or lack thereof.
Submitted by Cyrus (user info) at 2006-04-18 21:35:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-04-18 21:00:06 (#)
Ranking: -2
You can't fool Shlongy. You stink.
-----------------------------------------
You've got to be shitting me! You of all people? You can't get down for this???
"I know, I know I was playing the whore. The skirt-swishing, the coy glances, the breast-flashes, it was all part of the dance of recruitment."
If this isn't you, I don't know what is. Don't be a phony, if you don't +2 this, it will only be because since she live in NZ you know you'll never get a crack at her. You never met an uberslut you didn't try to schmooze.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-04-18 21:10:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
could do with a *touch* more rape but not bad.
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2006-04-18 21:05:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
oops
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2006-04-18 21:05:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
har har
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-04-18 21:00:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You can't fool Shlongy. You stink.
Submitted by Lucylou (user info) at 2006-04-18 20:51:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by Cyrus (user info) at 2006-04-18 20:39:57 (#)
Ranking: 2
it's not really the "done thing" to carry on working as a lawyer in New Zealand after your three year sentence has been served).
---------------------------------
Why?
---
NZ's not exactly a huge place - the scope for "legal growth", as it were, is pretty limited. Most "baby lawyers" just hang around for a few years then take off to London.
Plus, we kiwis like to get drunk as fuck in London bars.
-----------------------------------------------------------
It's the sort of place where if you can't join in a "boat race" at the Christmas party, you'll be crying in the toilets before year end, such is the scorn piled upon you
--------------------------------
Boat Races! Damn, I haven't done that in ages. Not since I retired from rugby
---
Yeah I'm a solid contender whenever the boat races come out. Mainly because, if I start to lose, I just tip the whole pint glass over my head (which is allowed by the official rules).
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Anyway, the firm basically holds me up as proof that they hire women, so I have to be on my best girly behaviour (skirt-swishing, eyelash-batting and hair-flicking a must);
--------------------------------------------
This is the part that makes you a whore - you let them use you this way... You even confess you performed like a monkey. You are a slut. You will be very popular here at Uber!
---
I know, I know I was playing the whore. The skirt-swishing, the coy glances, the breast-flashes, it was all part of the dance of recruitment. And now it will be taken away from me!
Excuse me, I'm feeling a little emotional right now. I need some time out to get over my loss.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I love that pumpkin, puking its little pumpkin guts out, I'm going to do mine like that next fall.
---
Nothing really to say to that...just feel I've replied to everything else.
Submitted by Cyrus (user info) at 2006-04-18 20:39:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
it's not really the "done thing" to carry on working as a lawyer in New Zealand after your three year sentence has been served).
---------------------------------
Why?
It's the sort of place where if you can't join in a "boat race" at the Christmas party, you'll be crying in the toilets before year end, such is the scorn piled upon you
--------------------------------
Boat Races! Damn, I haven't done that in ages. Not since I retired from rugby
Anyway, the firm basically holds me up as proof that they hire women, so I have to be on my best girly behaviour (skirt-swishing, eyelash-batting and hair-flicking a must);
--------------------------------------------
This is the part that makes you a whore - you let them use you this way... You even confess you performed like a monkey. You are a slut. You will be very popular here at Uber!
I love that pumpkin, puking its little pumpkin guts out, I'm going to do mine like that next fall.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-04-18 20:29:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
_Dan, bashing women is not very nice. They are all flowers of the desert. Beautiful, witty, charming, strong, intelligent, compassionate, lovely lovely lovely flowers of the desert.
They also sometimes give us sex if we're pleasant to them. You must remember that.
Submitted by Lucylou (user info) at 2006-04-18 20:24:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-04-18 20:22:38 (#)
Ranking: 2
You're an idiot, I can tell by the filename, but your a woman, so I understand.
--------
Too true. Too true indeed.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-04-18 20:22:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-04-18 20:12:45 (#)
Ranking: 2
Repost or ride it out.
I for one don't care. The story was told well enough.
---
Too lazy to write a new review.
Cheers
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-04-18 20:22:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're an idiot, I can tell by the filename, but your a woman, so I understand.
Submitted by Lucylou (user info) at 2006-04-18 20:22:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Praise the fucking lord!