Tractors, Country music and naked women. (1742 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.94 on 31 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Saxon (View user info) at 2006-04-18 21:52:45 EDT
The Easter bike races at Bathurst were a ritual when I was somewhat younger. I would saddle up my bike and join about 20 too 30 other riders from my hometown and ride nearly 2,000 km's to a racetrack known as Bathurst for a weekend of drunken, high-octane revelry. The camp spot was on the high side of the track and while the daytime racing was awesome, the nighttime shenanigans were legendary.
Last year some drunken fool rode half naked around the camp on a ratty old Honda narrowly missing people, running over tent cables and generally making a nuisance of himself. He was finally stopped and dragged off the bike and reprimanded for his stupidity. His bike was then ceremonially hurled onto a fire and about 100 people cheered as it burst into flames making some interesting noises as flames consumed anything flammable attached to it.
This was the norm at the campsite during the bike races but in general the atmosphere was one of fairly well behaved festivities. The site was a mini city of tents and trailers interspersed with many campfires, some small and some that could probably have been seen from the moon. Of course the occasional fight broke out and small skirmishes erupted now and then but in the main the camp was self-regulated and most disturbances were quickly quieted.
Local police did a walk around now and then amid oink oink oinking and rutting pig noises, just to remind us they were there but word quickly got around the camp of their approach and the smell of marijuana in the air stopped quickly. Besides arresting a few people for possession or riding without a licence their presence wasn't really necessary.
With my forearm in a cast from a bike fall I couldn't ride this year so opted to join some friends in a car ride down. An old school friend with the most unfortunate name of Charles Brown was taking his old panel van and a friend of his called Brian was joining us. I quickly learnt that Brian was a weed head and smoked joints like I smoked cigarettes, Brian didn't say much but he giggled a lot and his weed would help us on the trip I thought.
Charlie was a chick magnet, he was a tall, muscular guy with a smooth manner who was never without female company, his easygoing attitude made him a likable guy and easy to travel with. Brian just sat in the back giggling, passing lit joints over to us. The trip was going well until we pulled into a backwater town called Kempsey. We thought we might find somewhere to have some lunch and I wanted to buy some alcohol so we drove into the town centre wondering why the streets were so deserted
We came across a huge banner strung over the road that read.
KEMPSEY COUNTRY MUSIC AND AGRICULTURE SHOW
"Fuck man" Brian almost whispered behind us "That would be a fucking blast man". "Yeh" Charlie agreed, "We should try to find it". Thinking they were both kidding I started laughing and said, "Fuck yeh lets go mingle with some red necks and cow pokers".
"The sign says to follow the signs to the show ground," Charlie explained pointedly and I turned to him and said, "Are you fucking serious? We are going to a red neck wonderland ho down and shin dig?"
"We have a couple of hours to kill and I'm sure we can get something to eat there" Charlie went on with as he drove following the signs. He was right and I agreed it might be a bit of a wheeze as I took a large fat reefer from Brian's hand and puffed heavily on it.
This was indeed a red neck ho down and shin dig. Horrible country music blasted from tinny crappy speakers. Large gaudy coloured tents buzzed with humanity in festive mode as bunting flapped in the breeze from every conceivable thing bunting could be attached to, even the toilet block.
All the men wore huge cowboy hats and the women bustled around carrying baskets of food or craft items. We parked the car and found a hotdog stand, then walked around taking in the sights while consuming our lunch as we came across a roped off display of tractors and harvesters. Standing on the edge of the stand was the biggest bloody harvester I ever laid eyes on. This machine was massive and the three of us stood ogling this agricultural monster with Brain exclaiming "Sure would like to take that for a burl"
Standing near the centre of the stand was a delectable little blond with boobs that defied gravity that all three of us noticed at the same time. Men are predictable in instances like this and all three of us moved in her direction without saying a word. As we neared the object of our desire a large cowboy appeared and eyed us suspiciously.
"You boys interested in tractors?" he said looking at us move toward his position. This broke my concentration and I blurted out "sure um yeh were just looking". "Get these boys a brochure pack Candice" the guy said turning toward the blond. "Sure dad" she said grabbing a plastic bag with a logo on it. We stood chatting with the big cowboy about tractors and stuff while Candice and Charlie made goo goo eyes at each other.
The large cowboy salesman quickly realised we knew fuck all about tractors and weren't going to buy one about the time Brian and I realised Candice had eyes for Charlie and we had no hope. "Well if you boys will excuse me I'm off to have some lunch" the big guy said "Candice can you watch the stand while I'm gone" He finished with as he walked off toward the food stalls.
Candice and Charlie started making small talk immediately and I knew Brian and I were superfluous to their conversation so I grabbed Brian by the arm and said, "we will go get some drinks and meet you back here later Charlie. Charlie shook his head not taking his eyes off Candice as we left.
Brian and I headed around the outskirts of the show and shared a joint before finding a drink stall. We both bought creamy waffles that couldn't be eaten without covering ourselves in cream but they sure tasted good. It took us some time to find the stand we left Charlie at but arriving there we found it not attended. "We better wait here for Charlie," I said looking around trying to see him in the crowds. "Sure" Brian said as he leapt up into the huge harvester. "What do you think this harvests?" Brian said opening the door and slipping into the small cabin to sit on the large springy seat.
Looking up at him I let my gaze go over the large machine and said "Fucked if I know but it sure is a bloody big machine". Giggling while he moved the steering wheel back and forth Brian started pulling levers and pushing buttons. My eyes went back toward the crowds to try and spy Charlie just as a large diesel motor roared into life directly behind me.
I turned quickly and saw smoke billowing out of the exhaust of the machine Brian sat in. My mouth moved to say the words "what the fuck are you doing" when I saw Brian's face with a look of shock as he tried hitting buttons to turn it off. Stepping back I screamed, "Turn the fucking thing off". "I'm trying" Brian answered with panic in his voice.
He hit a lever and the huge machine lurched forward bringing its front wheels off the ground crashing through the small white picket fence that surrounded the tractor stand as it moved away from where it was parked. A feeling of dread ran through my body as I watched Brian jump from the cabin and hit the ground in a roll at my feet.
The machine moved slowly enough but I could see it was moving with purpose toward the centre of the entire show. My feet where stuck to the ground as a numbness overcame my body. I couldn't pull my eyes from the slow moving machine as it roared and ambled toward a large tent. I figured the angle it travelled it would move down the side of the tent without hitting it but I didn't figure on the rope stays spiked into the ground.
A loud ripping noise joined the roar of the big diesel engine as the machine caught each roped spike of the tent one by one and dragged them from the ground. The women inside the tent started screaming at this point which got the attention of most people engaged in one activity or another at the show. The huge harvester had ripped all the spikes on that side from the ground and now dragged the entire tent, frame and all behind it as it headed for another victim leaving three screaming women standing in a tentless stand surrounded by displays of pickled and bottled goods.
"WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?" came a loud voice behind us. We turned and saw the large cowboy salesman run past us after his run away tractor then stop and turn to face us menacingly. I figured this would be a good time to run. Turning I grabbed Brian by the arm and screamed "Ruuuuuuuuuuuuuuun" he didn't need any convincing and turned with me as we took flight toward the car park.
I turned once as we ran for a peek and realised the big guy ran after his tractor rather then us with a sigh of relief, as we entered the car park and ran toward Charlie's car. Both doors where locked and there was no sign of Charlie and my head spun in exasperation looking in all directions when I heard a moan come from inside Charlies van.
"He's inside" I almost yelled running to the back of his car. Turning the T handle on the back swing door. I pulled the door up and was faced with Charlies bare-naked arse moving up and down between a pair of soft, tanned female thighs, which stopped with my intrusion. It dawned on me at this time that I couldn't hear the large diesel engine and the screaming had stopped. I turned in the direction we ran from and could see a large angry crowd heading in our direction led by the large cowboy salesman who had a look of murder on his face.
"They must have arrested the errant tractor and turned it off" I mused as I contemplated our next move. Charlie and Candice had stopped fucking by this stage and were peering out of the back of the van at me and the angry mob heading our way. "No time to explain" I said grabbing Charlies keys from his pile of clothing beside him.
Brian jumped over the back tailgate into the van as I ran around to the driver's side of the car to jump in to start it up. I looked back to make sure I had all my passengers and gunned the motor steering the car from the car park. Charlie kept repeating, "What the fuck is going on" as I drove when Brian chimed in and said "what will we do with this naked woman in the car with us?"
I pulled the car to a stop and looking into the back of the cabin I said "sorry Candice you better get out" Charlie and Brian helped the naked Candice out through the back of the car and threw her clothes after her. She ran between some parked cars with her clothes in her grasp just as some of the crowd rounded the corner and spied us.
Gunning the car again we shot out through the gate and slid onto the road heading for the highway. "OK you guys wanna tell me what the fuck is going on" Charlie almost screamed at us. "Brian told them their music was shit," I answered just as Brian lit a joint filling the cabin with the acrid smell of burning marijuana.
User Reviews
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2007-02-19 10:35:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude if you're still online, I'd say something now.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-04-19 16:11:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-04-19 09:02:38 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by The_Cyst_Master (user info) at 2006-04-19 00:08:59 (#)
Ranking: 2
Uh, I think you forgot to attach a picture of the naked women.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-04-19 15:22:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2006-04-19 10:20:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Top stuff!
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2006-04-19 10:11:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
red-neckalicious
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2006-04-19 09:56:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh ya.
Submitted by xanderd (user info) at 2006-04-19 09:13:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by xanderd (user info) at 2006-04-19 09:13:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i liked it! but two bad grammar mistakes ('where' and 'too') put me off, and the ending lost a little oomph.
have a +1.5
Submitted by NotSteve (user info) at 2006-04-19 09:11:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Crawl?
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-04-19 09:02:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by The_Cyst_Master (user info) at 2006-04-19 00:08:59 (#)
Ranking: 2
Uh, I think you forgot to attach a picture of the naked women.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-04-19 08:42:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Geez, no four-way action in the Mystery Machine with Candice?
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-04-19 07:13:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Your narrative requires a little work but I enjoyed this.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-04-19 07:12:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dear GOD, Saxon. If this actually happened -- and with the weird shit you seem to always be in the middle of, I don't doubt that it did -- it is an awesomely hilarious story.
You're an entertaining man.
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2006-04-19 06:06:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-19 05:47:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I refuse to believe this is fiction.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-04-19 05:01:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Solid.
Submitted by georgemichael (user info) at 2006-04-19 04:15:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i just had to click this post as it mentioned 2 of my favourtie things. that is a great story.
What country are you in though?
My dad has a tractor outlet in Idaho and I could have told you heaps of jargon
Submitted by VelvetElvis (user info) at 2006-04-19 03:52:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-04-19 00:49:08 (#)
Ranking: 2
Red-necks, world wide pestilance
//
If only the Unabomber had set his sights on Daytona and Talladega, he might have accomplished something worthwhile.
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2006-04-19 03:46:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-04-19 00:49:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Red-necks, world wide pestilance
Submitted by The_Cyst_Master (user info) at 2006-04-19 00:08:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Uh, I think you forgot to attach a picture of the naked women.
Submitted by MrCoffee (user info) at 2006-04-18 23:06:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
2+ becasue i ride out to Bathurst at least one a month just to cut laps on Mount Pan.
How fuckin awesome is it.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-04-18 22:27:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
By the way, how did your place shape up after that storm a few weeks ago?
Submitted by pragmatic (user info) at 2006-04-18 22:25:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're my uber-hero
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-04-18 22:24:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Such mayhem and havoc. Awesome.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-04-18 22:23:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i refuse to read anything right now that doesn't start with the letter 'r'
Submitted by jokr2581 (user info) at 2006-04-18 22:22:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am just sitting here laughing.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2006-04-18 22:21:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Babe!!! There you are!!!!
The awful thing is, this post could be talking about any one of a number of Midwest USA's backwater festivals.
I've gone to several (against my will, mind you).
And yes, I've witnessed errant tractors rolling down Main Street with the drunken owner staggering after it.
I'll ask again Sweetie, COME RESCUE ME!
Submitted by Benny (user info) at 2006-04-18 22:20:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That was fucking awesome. If only a fraction of that were true then it would still be amazing.
Submitted by JulsInsane (user info) at 2006-04-18 22:05:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I heart Saxon
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-04-18 22:03:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yay Saxon!