You can use these tittles... for 15 minutes... (1036 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: fiction
Rating: 1.18 on 15 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Corn Nugget (View user info) at 2006-04-19 10:44:16 EDT
It's back... the 15 minute challenge!
Go to Razors UM IV tittles post http://www.ubersite.com/m/85016 , randomly scroll through, the first title your finger lands on is YOURS... take 15 minutes (no cheating you cheating ass motherfuckers), write something, post it, and wait for the fun to commence!
(examples from last year:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/66918
http://www.ubersite.com/m/66921
http://www.ubersite.com/m/66958
)
And here's mine:
YELLOW MANS
Victim of Progress
Though they was faded and yellowed, you could still seem them beautiful roses on the wallpaper. Each spring I took care, and climed onto a stool, then I'd get myself up onto the kitchen table. From there I'd take a step up to the kitchen table, bein' careful with my balance as best I could.
The rubber cement worked well. I could slather some on the back of that peeling wallpaper, smooth it back up against the wall, and wait for it to dry. It was barely noticeable that the paper had been a' peelin' after my work was through.
That entire wallpapering process took nearly 5 hours, with all the movin' chairs and tables and climbin' and glueing. When I was finished I would sit down, lean back, and smoke two Basic Menthols. Them cigarettes were more affordable than the fancy kinds that those kids all smoke, and they do just the same to help me relax.
Like clockwork, after I done all the glueing of the wallpaper and smoking two cigarrettes, the slow-roast would be done. I used the rooster print oven-mitts that my niece got me for Christmas last year to pull the pan out of the oven.
This was my favorite day of the year. It was the one day I let myself feel pride (although, I felt the pride in the kitchen, not in the livingroom where Jesus hang from the crusifix).
My boys are grown men. They're good boys now with good families, although I wished their wives was a bit more respectable. Theys the type of women who think it admirable to work all day while the kids sit around at some strangers house, eatin cookies and watchin tv all day.
As the roast cools I sit back down for another cigarette. I light it up and then rest it on the ashtray so I can lean over and pull up my hose before my husband gets home and sees me lookin all scantily clad with bare legs and such.
And I still feel that pride for havin raised a good family and cooked a good meal and maintained good fresh wallpaper with roses after all these years. And I'm proud that my momma taught me to be a good woman, and I'm proud that my husband comes home to a good meal, unlike my boys who now go home to some dang frozen box meal.
I musta drifted off while I was smoking because I woke up to the smell of plastic burnin. It was nothing big- just my cigarette smouldering on the contact paper on the table. Just then is when the phone rung.
"Momma," it was my son, George.
"Yes, Darlin'. I have some roast that's done cooked if you wanna get a proper meal for once in your life. I know that woman that you married don't know about spices 'sept when she's tryin to spice up things in that bedroom, I'd bet." I held the phone between my shoulder and my head so that I could cut up some lettuce while I talked to my boy.
"I'd like that Momma. I think I done become a victim."
"A victim of what, boy? Yous a strong man."
"Georgia says I'm a victim of progress cuz I don't accept how lifes a changin'. She says you done raised me to be an old fashion boy in a new fashion world, ma! Ma, I'm a victim of this here progress!"
"Nah, boy. Yous a victim of a woman who is too big for her breeches is all. If I was you, I'd have it in mind to show her what a victim really is. You still got that rifle pa gave you. Now, you ain't no sissy girl, and I don't want you to be callin me again with any sissy complains. You fix that situation with that there woman, then you come over and have some roast with a proper family." I hung up that phone before he could talk back to me. I didn't raise my boys to be lettin any female but their momma influence they lives.
When George came over for some of my roast, first thing I did was check his eyes. I looked in there for signs that he regained some of his manhood, I looked deep down, into his god fearin soul, and I saw that glow.
"You done it boy?"
"Yeah momma, I mighta been a victim of progress... but she's a victim now in her own right"
User Reviews
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2006-04-20 03:07:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
clever of you to not to mention that std was behind the idea, that is always the kiss of death
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2006-04-20 00:17:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-04-19 23:13:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Started off good, went into retarded-hillbilly-fantasy-land by the end. I'm sure if you had longer than 15 minutes you could have made it a lot more chilling and believable.
I'm glad you posted this suggestion though, I love these little stories.
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2006-04-19 22:18:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-04-19 18:30:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
The reviews are coming in already on this one.
People Magazine says: "This is the best 15 minute thing, yet. Good work, Harrelson"
scourge says: "This is the best 15 minute thing, yet Good work, Harrelson".
Shlongy says: "Of course, this is the best 15 minute thing, yet. Good work, handsome".
http://www.ubersite.com/m/86828
Submitted by Monarch (user info) at 2006-04-19 18:16:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The post wasn't much good, but the mental imagery sure was.
"Kate Beckinsale, a vibrator, and the best thirty seconds I wish I ever had."
http://www.ubersite.com/m/86833
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-04-19 16:50:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/86826
Bottles and Cans
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-04-19 14:02:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Well Spank My Ass and Call Me George - http://www.ubersite.com/m/86821
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-04-19 12:37:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/86817
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2006-04-19 11:55:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
there were no titties in this pos.... oh, tittles... nevermind.
Submitted by Leonfc (user info) at 2006-04-19 11:29:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Me too!!
http://www.ubersite.com/m/86813
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2006-04-19 11:03:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/86812
god I suck!
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-04-19 10:49:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
i dont have time to do this right now but HAHAHA at this:
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2006-03-10 14:34:36 (#)
Ranking: 0
Nigger Gotta Get Paid
Lay'n In The Cut With My Gat
Section 8 And 8-Balls
Gimme My Check Foo!
Muh Jimmys Wacked
Where All Da Hoes?
Dis Shit Is Wack
Sling'n Hair'on Outa My Ride
Rollers! Rollers! 5-0!
I didn't Do Shit
20 YEARS TO LIFE?
O HELL NO MOTHERFUCKER!!
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2006-04-19 10:47:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was once a victim of 15 minutes of fame. When I was in High school I scrolled all the clocks back fifteen minutes. It worked because watchs weren't invented yet.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2006-04-19 10:46:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
my god that was hard to do