Grass Roots My Ass (572 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.57 on 7 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Sharps <joesephsharps.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2006-04-19 11:00:05 EDT
Now I'm not one to cut hairs about word usage. Fuck, there are days I when I say stuff and seriously contemplate cutting down on the drinking ( 'cuase, like it hurts your brain and stuff.). Some days I need a muzzle... or maybe just another drink...
I do have some mental capacity left for some astounding logic leaps. For instance, just because you use a new label on something, it doesn't change the basics. 'Magenta' is still red. 'Waste Removal Specialist" is still a garbage man. My penis telling my brain that the 15-year-old girl down the road is 'One Hot Lady' doesn't keep my brain from remembering the term 'Jailbait'.
Now I work for one of the middle-sized Cellular companies, where this logic shit-spew happens regularly. For instance, Cell companies like "free with mail in rebate" or "minimum service agreement required". I expect the higher ups to try this on customers. When they try to use this logic on me, I get pissed.
One of the higher ups came by the other day. "Joe. I 'm going to tell you about an 'exciting new way for you to increase your commission Bonus!"
-That's his actual words, verbatim.
"Gee, Sir. I would love to." I replied. Actually, I said something mean and sarcastic to this, but my bad attitude would derail the story like a period starting during sex.
Great! We are starting a new grass roots campaign targeting small businesses in your local area. For every plan you sign up, you get a ten dollar bonus!"
"Wow." I say. For each phone I put on a plan, I make at least $15, with 2-3 phones on each plan. Ten bucks? Big fucking whoop.
"It's very simple to do. Our 'Grass Roots' Campaign focuses on two separate operations. First, you mail out several personalized letters to each company on a list I'll provide for you. Then, after a week, you'll call them to follow up and offer insight into our services. And, for each plan you help us get, you get an easy ten dollars!"
I stared at him.
"Doesn't that sound like a great deal?" he asked.
"So I'm sending out junk mail and telemarketing people now?" I asked.
"No, Joe- this is 'Grass Roots'! It's different because you're doing all this IN COMMUNITY!"
"Great- so after I piss people off on the phone, they know where I work, and I get to run into them on the street." I replied.
"Why would they be upset by you offering them better tools for their companies? The beauty of grass roots is customer satisfaction!"
One thing I've learned is you can't argue with crazy. If red is actually blue, so be it. If customers want me to write them junk mail and call them endlessly, so be it.
I hunkered down and started writing (some info has been removed so I don't lose my lovely job)
Some of my personal letters...
March 16, 2006
Rims and Wheelz
555 Ubersite Dr.
South, North Dakota 12345
Dear Peeps.,
Yo! Word up homeboys! I likez the money just as you do. We is all into the bling -bling here, same as you..
My name is Homeboy Joe and I am a Retail Wireless Consultant for ---------- at -----------. That's right, right down the street, home skillet!
I Make the phones do that ring thing. Hear that ring? That's the ring bringing the bling! You best be answering it, fool!
-(A bunch of boring stuff I deleted for this post)
For a limited time, we have special promotional offers just for businesses beginning at just two lines! Please stop in and see me at--------------------. I will spend the time to learn about your business communications needs so that I can propose the right solution to meet your unique needs.
Don't be a fool and get schooled! Get's our toolz! Remember.... We know where you live.
Sincerely,
Your homie,
Joe
Retail Wireless Consultant
The next letter is for the massage parlor on my list...I figure paranoia sells, right?
March 16, 2006
Body Rubbins
555 Ubersite Dr.
South, North Dakota 1234
Dear Body Rubbins,
We know what you've done. Use our service to speak or we'll speak up.
My name is Joe Sharps and I am a Retail Wireless Consultant for---------------. I am right across the street. You forget to close the blinds sometimes...
We have pictures.
(A bunch of boring stuff I deleted for this post)
For a limited time, we have special promotional offers just for businesses beginning at just two lines! Please stop in and see me at --------------. I will spend the time to learn about your business communications needs so that I can propose the right solution to meet your unique needs.
Remember, there is a wrong connection, so you better make the right connection!
Sincerely,
Joe ---------
Retail Wireless Consultant
The last is for the financial institutions....
March 16, 2006
The Big Old Bank.
555 Ubersite Dr.
South, North Dakota 1234
Dear Big Old Bank,
As the owner/operator of a small business, we know what it is like to be held up at gunpoint. When you need to call 911, only one company always reaches the police in a hurry.
My name is Joe --------- and I am a Retail Wireless Consultant for ----------. I drive by your bank and always notice a large amount of shady people sitting in parked cars outside with the engines running.
With our one touch dialing, you can even reach help while tied up!
Here are some of the changes that you can expect!
(A bunch of boring stuff I deleted for this post)
For a limited time, we have special promotional offers just for businesses beginning at just two lines! Please stop in and see me at---------------. I will spend the time to learn about your business communications needs so that I can propose the right solution to meet your unique needs.
Remember, Safety is a thin line. Better be safe than sorry, and ------------ is better at being safe than sorry...
Sincerely,
Joe ------
Retail Wireless Consultant
---------I can't wait for the follow up calls...
User Reviews
Submitted by hungovermondays (user info) at 2006-04-20 13:13:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this my friend, was good
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-04-19 15:17:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
some telemarketer called me durinf American Idol last night, I just huing up on him!
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2006-04-19 13:09:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"own the ring that brings the bling"
I hate calling customers, and I hate it when telemarketers call me
it sucks for you on both ends
Submitted by BrownEyedGirrl (user info) at 2006-04-19 12:32:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"Great- so after I piss people off on the phone, they know where I work, and I get to run into them on the street." I replied.
ha ha ha ha ha.....
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-04-19 12:16:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm going to use "home skillet" before the day is over.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-04-19 11:26:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Heh
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-04-19 11:09:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Shenanigans. But funny.