My Lack of Coordination will be the Death of Me Yet. (453 hits)
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Submitted by Sparxicus (View user info) at 2006-04-19 19:53:41 EDT
*Note: This is not some lame post about getting erections at inopportune times. That's for this weekend.*
I've never been the most coordinated, and this fact has fucked me over more than once. If I had a cookie for every dirty look that I've gotten over the years, I would be the new Fat Albert. And if the aforementioned shipment of cookies ever does arrive, don't be surprised if I start all my posts with "Hey, Hey, HEY." You have been warned.
Well, let's cut to the chase. Here are some of the most notable times when my lack of coordination really screwed me over.
1. The Girl and the Brownie
As I mentioned in an earlier post, I used to tutor children who were having trouble in school. This tutoring took place on the last Sunday of each month, and March's session was the last one for the year. The session had just ended without incidence, and I went outside to my car to drive home to a nice pizza with a movie. I realized that I had left the keys inside the building, and went back to retrieve them.
As I walked up the stairs to the third floor, where the session took place, I passed a group of kids that were in the program. They were sitting on the steps, waiting for somebody to escort them to the bus that was waiting for them below. As I passed one particular girl, she pointed out to me that she had left her brownies on the stairs.
And I knew it was true, for there were brownies on the stairs.
"Don't step on them Sparx," she squealed in a way only somebody whose brownies are in danger can.
I let out a mock roar and faked stepping on them. I stopped an inch from the brownies, and continued up the stairs to a chorus of "ooohs" and "aaahs" from those who had just witnessed the pinnacle of cool.
Haha, just kidding.
Instead of stopping an inch from the brownies, I plowed right through them full force. Realizing what it must have looked like from the girl's point of view, I was speechless, which did not leave a good impression on the 15 mortified little children staring back at me. I made like Mr T and pitied the fool (read: fled the scene after slipping the girl a fiver.)
2. Your ID Please. Why Yes, You ARE Legal for Pain.
Back in my college days, I used to go clubbing very very often. And I have the seal skins to prove it. Seriously though, I used to go to clubs and dance almost 5 nights a week. There was a local club, which was a favorite with the crowd I hung out with; it was called "Happy Valley". Keep that name in mind, because its gonna be your side dish of irony while you read this.
I went with a group of friends, and one by one, they trickled out of the club, leaving me alone. So I did what any other sane man would do. I drank to the point where I was ready to join a french poodle in the bedroom. Fortunately for me, the club was not a hot spot for french poodles. After a drink or seven, I felt the need to dance. And dance I did. At this point, I should mention two things.
-I am not a good dancer, to put it mildly. In fact, I am a TERRIBLE dancer even when sober. I'll leave it to your imagination to conceptualize how badly I dance when I am drunk.
-When you're drunk, the whole point of a dance floor is lost on you. The world is your dance floor so get out there and get down and dirty, you dancing whore.
So here was me dancing away, oblivious to the stares that I must have been getting. I danced so hard, in fact, that I managed to dance all the way over to the entrance. And then, by some cruel twist of fate, I managed to dance my way into slapping the big black bouncer right smack on the ass.
It was a painful night.
3. Tried to get in a Girl's Pants, all I got was on Her Hamster's Bad Side
This (unfortunate) tale also takes place in college. There was a girl, Jane, who I desperately wanted to hump. Like a camel on another camel. That's how much I wanted to hump her (Because the camels have humps. And two bactrian camels going at it would totally have four humps. It was a play on words.) We flirted a bit in class every once in a while, but my big opportunity came when we were assigned to do a paper together. I went to her dorm, and she introduced me to her hamster, Percy. I shit you not, the hamster's name was Percy. Percy. PER-FUCKING-CY. A HAMSTER. PERCY THE HAMSTER.
But I digress.
We were playing with the hamster (she played, I pretended to be interested), when she got a phone call. She excused herself, and I found myself alone with Percy the Hamster. Not knowing how to amuse a hamster ("SOO this pellet walks into a bar, right? And the bartender's a hamster. And he TOTALLY eats that pellet. Like completely, he demolishes it."), I put him on the wheel. He tries to run, but the wheel does not move. He climbs up half way up the wheel, and its still not moving.
Percy needs some fucking back-up.
I try to turn the wheel gently. It doesn't budge. A bit harder. Still solid as a rock. As hard as I can. Wheel dislodges, Percy goes haunch-over-pouch into the wall of the steel cage. Jane, after hearing the commotion comes into the room to see me poking the still hamster.
Percy made a full recovery, which was to be expected, because he was never actually injured (The hamster was playing opossum. That bitch.)
On the other hand, I was shattered mentally and emotionally.
I got cock-blocked by a hamster named Percy.
User Reviews
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-04-20 11:25:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I found this amusing, although probably untrue.
part 2 cancels out part 3.
Men who purposely go out to dance do not have sex with women...
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-04-20 04:42:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I had a mate who used to throw things to people rather than pass them. He ended up killing his own mother with his car by accident because he thought she'd get out of the way.
True story. A lesson to us all not to be dickheads.
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2006-04-20 04:37:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by extacy_red (user info) at 2006-04-19 21:43:40 (#)
Ranking: 2
how did you get cock blocked, that makes like no sense
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He was trying to get his end wet, the hampster playing dead stopped that.
It's fairly simple.
Submitted by myexstaintstain (user info) at 2006-04-19 22:15:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I got cock-blocked by a hamster named Percy." argh fuckin hamsters
Submitted by extacy_red (user info) at 2006-04-19 21:43:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
how did you get cock blocked, that makes like no sense
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2006-04-19 20:17:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This sucked.
Submitted by Grownasskid (user info) at 2006-04-19 20:15:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You'd have to be angry at you kid to name him Percy