Cigarettes killed my father. (2517 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.47 on 44 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Echo (View user info) at 2006-04-20 01:46:21 EDT
Dad pulled the covers tight to my chin and kissed me lightly on the forehead.
"Goodnight, son" he said. "Big day tomorrow - turning 10's a big deal you know - you're in double digits now."
I smiled as he said goodnight one last time and switched off the light. As soon as the door closed, I rushed from my bed to the window in front of the house. A moment later Dad stepped into the moonlight and lit the day's last cigarette. He did this every night. It had become a nightly tradition for me to watch him as he breathed fire from his lungs and forgot about the day's troubles. He deserved a smoke. He worked hard.
Dad started working two jobs after Mom left just so we could keep the house. His father was an Admiral in the Navy and was constantly being reassigned to various parts of the country. He hated moving and vowed to never put me through the same childhood.
As Dad pulled a final drag off his cigarette, a brown Cadillac rolled slowly around the corner and pulled up in front of the house. Dark clouds suddenly engulfed the sky and the scene was cast into almost total darkness.
Three doors of the Cadillac opened and two Marlboros and a Newport stepped out. They walked slowly up to Dad. He didn't move. The Newport circled to Dad's back and a crack of lightning revealed a knife in his hand. The thunder roared and the Newport plunged the knife into Dad's back. The Marlboros shattered some bones in his face with brass knuckles. Dad fell to the ground, a defeated man. He was barely moving on the ground but the first Marlboro pulled out pliers and handed them to the Newport.
Unflinching, the Newport leaned down to Dad's head and grabbed his front tooth with the pliers. He tore it out of his head sharply and Dad yelped in pain. He now realized what they were going to do to him. But before he could form 'help' the second Marlboro bent down and sliced his tongue out of his mouth with a rusty switchblade.
The Newport pulled seven more teeth; each one took longer than the one before. The first Marlboro finally tapped him on his shoulder. The Newport cocked his head to see a brand new .22. He took it in his hand and shrugged, then shot a round into Dad's crotch. He laughed alongside his new crew.
The Newport stared into Dad's eyes then surveyed the two rings of blood forming around Dad's upper and lower body. He fired a final round directly in Dad's face, leaving nothing but a crater in the front of his skull.
I stared blankly out the window.
Instantly, the rain stopped. A small hole found its way through the thick cloud cover and a bright purple light burst through. It illuminated a plant in the back of the garden that had been suspiciously growing there for the past three months and only Dad was allowed to go near. I stared, mystified, as the plant uprooted itself and raced towards the cigarettes. Before the cigarettes knew what happened, their filters were cut out from under them and their tobacco was spilled into the street, forming halos around their heads. I hurried downstairs to meet this vegetative assassin.
I called out to her when I reached the front door and she responded with a voice that rivaled the Siren Song. We embraced for a while before I leaned back and spoke.
"Why didn't you kill them before they tortured and killed Dad?"
"My boy, I didn't stop the cigarettes from brutally torturing and killing your father while you watched in horror because I was getting high."
"I understand."
I understood.
User Reviews
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2007-02-23 19:42:22 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by The_Cyst_Master (user info) at 2006-12-16 10:59:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://stuff.ubersite.com/11564810315827659/1/Miss-goatse.jpg
Submitted by The_Cyst_Master (user info) at 2006-04-25 00:00:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I remember fucking suck.
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2006-04-24 15:42:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2006-04-24 15:02:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
yes, i admit to not having an extensive knowledge of guns.
Submitted by rockdocc (user info) at 2006-04-23 22:56:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Maybe if you weren't such a fag your mommy would love you rockdocc
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and could we at least level the insult within the context of what I said?
it would be appreciated.
twat
Submitted by rockdocc (user info) at 2006-04-23 22:11:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
thats okay.
your mommy loves me.
and that's all I really need.
Submitted by MrsCleanButtFucks (user info) at 2006-04-21 14:54:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Maybe if you weren't such a fag your mommy would love you rockdocc
Submitted by rockdocc (user info) at 2006-04-21 01:07:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hate to tell you this, but the cavitation caused by the .22 round isn't all that horrific. Mostly a little hole, now...if it strikes a bone, then the shit is bad. We're talking pinball on the lungs, just slicing up organs like it's funny. And trust me, I did a few autopsies, and I sure as hell enjoyed it. Granted I then fucked the male one, (well think about it, if he's dead, that doesn't make you gay, does it?) but a good time was had by all.
but back to my point. The entry wound cause by a .22 is not very large, and neither is the exit wound, if it even gets that far.
the .22 round really doesn't have the kind of power to punch it's way all the through human flesh. Well, at least the civilian version.
The military version, my baby the 5.56 round, does.
and I bust a nut every time I think of that.
Just kind of wanted to ruin your day by taking this post apart. Another thing would be, philosophically speaking, the marlboro would walk up and jack him in the jaw, then begin to piss on his enemies, because marlboro is a manly ciggarette. While the newport would jump around yelling "oooh nigga, he's fuckin' you up and all dat" cause we all know that newports are primarily smoked by the african american population.
oh yeah.
one more thing.
Cigarettes didn't kill your father.
I did.
Submitted by The_Cyst_Master (user info) at 2006-04-21 00:47:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2006-04-20 23:51:57 (#)
Ranking: 0
it sounds like we can help each other.
Submitted by The_Cyst_Master (user info) at 2006-04-20 23:48:30 (#)
Ranking: 2
I need a blow job.
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Our penii doreach over state lines. You chill in CT and I'll chill in VA. We'll suck eachother off gloriously and spread AIDS on Maryland, Delaware, New Jersey, and New York. And I'll push extra hard to get some in Massagayshits.
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2006-04-21 00:12:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
JAY PEG CALLS IT. I'M GOD!!! +2 FOR GOD.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-04-21 00:07:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
God stuff.
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2006-04-20 23:51:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
it sounds like we can help each other.
Submitted by The_Cyst_Master (user info) at 2006-04-20 23:48:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I need a blow job.
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2006-04-20 17:34:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i need a dog
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2006-04-20 17:31:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
in my best pauly shore voice:
"and what's your name?"
"purple sticky punch."
"you're gonna make a lot of people happy."
Submitted by The_Cyst_Master (user info) at 2006-04-20 17:29:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's funny because it's true.
I am Echo's purple sticky punch commrade.
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2006-04-20 17:28:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i was considering that for the title, but i didn't want people to realize it was a joke right away.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-04-20 17:15:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Cigarettes killed my father and raped my mother.
Submitted by MrsCleanButtFucks (user info) at 2006-04-20 17:15:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This might help
http://www.ubersite.com/m/86898
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2006-04-20 17:11:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by G-prime (user info) at 2006-04-20 16:21:39 (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't think a .22 would leave a crater in a skull, no matter how close. But it was great. Great great THC-fueled debauchery. Long live marihuana. Hip, hip, hooray.
+.22
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i had immortal technique's dance with the devil running through my head. the .22 from the song slipped into the story.
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2006-04-20 17:09:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
MrsCleanButtFucks nailed it!!!
Submitted by MrsCleanButtFucks (user info) at 2006-04-20 16:51:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think the .22 is a giant phallic metaphor that has been symbolically inserted into all of our faces perfectly displaying the opression of the black man.
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-04-20 16:46:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I knew where this was going before I even read it.
A positively rated post about somebody's father dying of smoking. Must be a joke.
Im so smart.
Submitted by G-prime (user info) at 2006-04-20 16:21:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't think a .22 would leave a crater in a skull, no matter how close. But it was great. Great great THC-fueled debauchery. Long live marihuana. Hip, hip, hooray.
+.22
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2006-04-20 15:46:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
he was a real man. reds all the way.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-04-20 13:26:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Did he happen to leave any unsmoked Marlboro's behind after he kicked because I'm just about out?
And none of those fuckin' Marlboro Lights.
Submitted by hungovermondays (user info) at 2006-04-20 13:19:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
those smokes were pretty brazen
Submitted by myexstaintstain (user info) at 2006-04-20 12:40:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you dad was pwned by the newport i just finished smoking.
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2006-04-20 12:32:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by xanderd (user info) at 2006-04-20 07:55:32 (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2006-04-20 02:05:53 (#)
Ranking: 0
good points, but i'm high so that's all i got for you
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you read ubersite when you're high? Yur life sounds very sad.
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boy, you really cut to the core of me. you should have people pay you to analyze their lives after you read a single sentence they wrote. thanks doctor.
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2006-04-20 12:25:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
she deserved it, if getting fingerbanged by shitfuck is a bad thing. if it's good, she earned it.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2006-04-20 12:04:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
After he died I fingerbanged your mom.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-04-20 11:58:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm smoking a Kool filtered king at the moment.
Kool's are not so primitive and messy in their killing methods.
They are the subtle ninjas of the cigarette murderers...
Submitted by crsunlimited (user info) at 2006-04-20 10:55:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good job of literalness. However does this mean that you now only smoke weed because the plant assassin is good, whereas the cigarettes are evil?
Submitted by recall (user info) at 2006-04-20 10:00:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
that shivered my timbers.
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2006-04-20 09:31:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Auto +2 for ciggies!!
Submitted by xanderd (user info) at 2006-04-20 07:55:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2006-04-20 02:05:53 (#)
Ranking: 0
good points, but i'm high so that's all i got for you
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you read ubersite when you're high? Yur life sounds very sad.
Submitted by waterbottle (user info) at 2006-04-20 06:47:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was expecting shit, I got shit, but it was good shit.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-04-20 04:07:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2006-04-20 02:05:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
good points, but i'm high so that's all i got for you.
Submitted by Ioseph (user info) at 2006-04-20 02:02:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Nice should of had more description of the pot plant kicking ass, and going on to run for senate.
Submitted by wijormiclat (user info) at 2006-04-20 01:53:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Did the pot plant then go run over a 2 year old on a bike that was going through a drive through?
Who the fuck rides their bike through a fucking drive through anyway? Let the shithead die. That's natural selection in action!
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-04-20 01:50:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Cigarettes killed my grandfather. But not like that, you nutjob.
Submitted by Phate (user info) at 2006-04-20 01:49:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Cigarettes - 1
Dad - 0
Go Newports GO!