I Hate Being a Fucking Parent! (3016 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.72 on 62 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Pentameter (View user info) at 2006-04-20 10:08:22 EDT
And I don't even have kids.
The other night, I had to take my mom to the emergency room because she thought she was having another heart attack. I instructed my siblings not to leave the house and to tell our father where we went. At about 10:30 p.m., he showed up at the hospital and told me to go home so that I could get some rest. The man knew I couldn't take much more.
My body was aching for my bed. I was beyond tired, and so exhausted that I almost got into three accidents on my way home. With the little strength that I had left, I walked up the stairs and opened the front door to my house, where I found my twelve year old brother lying on the couch in his underwear.
"What the hell are you doing?" I asked.
"Watching TV," he said.
"You should be in bed. Where are the other two?"
"They went out."
"WHAT?"
"Yeah. They said they told mom."
"How could they tell her if she's lying in the hospital?" I shouted.
"I don't know," he said.
"Put some clothes on and go to bed. NOW!"
He looked at me with his big eyes, put his hands over his package (I'm still trying to figure out his reasoning for doing this) and scampered up the steps. I heard the door to his room slam shut.
He was undoubtedly jerking off.
I called my sister's cell phone and it went right to her voicemail. "Hmmm, she must be with her boyfriend. That's why she isn't answering," I said to myself.
Then it hit me. She was with her boyfriend and she wasn't answering her cell phone. I remembered when I was seventeen. Granted, I didn't have a cell phone, but I'm sure that if I were parked somewhere, I would either let it ring through or turn it off.
She was undoubtedly getting fucked.
As I started getting palpitations, I dialed my brother's phone. No answer from him either. "Ok, he's eighteen, he's probably not doing anything I need to worry about," I muttered to myself, then I put the final nail in my coffin with, "But, he's probably with Tom, who's a huge pothead."
He was undoubtedly snorting some illegal substance off of some whore's ass.
At 11:30, I started to hallucinate from exhaustion, but I couldn't go to bed. I could not rest with unresolved issues hanging over my head.
After about five minutes of pacing, I decided to call my sister again. This time, she answered.
"WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?" I shouted.
"I needed poster board for school," she said.
"Oh yeah? How the hell long does it take to get poster board?" I asked.
"Jeff and I went to get some ice cream after I got it."
"After you got 'it?' What is 'it?' Laid?" I screamed.
"What? You're a fucking whore," she said.
"Yeah, well you better get home before this fucking whore gets in her car and comes looking for you. It's a school night and you left without permission, you dumb bitch," I said.
"I'm coming home now," she said.
The second we hung up, my cell phone started ringing. It was my little brother.
"And where the fuck are you?" I asked.
"I'm on my way home. Tom and I went out to get some ice cream," he said.
I guess ice cream was the excuse of the night.
"Oh really? Are you sure you weren't doing 'icing?'"
"Huh?" he asked.
"Nothing. Just get home right now!" I shouted.
I tossed the phone onto the couch, then I threw myself onto the chair, my feet dangling over the edge.
"Jesus Christ! These kids are going to be the death of me!" I yelled.
No one listened to me as I shouted.
Typical.
After waiting up for a few more hours, I finally dragged myself to bed, my siblings still out and about somewhere in the evil world. Every time I heard the slightest noise, I would slink out of my room and lean over the banister to see if they had finally come home.
Paranoia had destroyed any chance of me getting any sleep. Even though my body was completely exhausted, it still would not let me get the exquisite rest that I was aching for.
The next morning, I trudged down the stairs and into the kitchen, where I started a pot of coffee. At the table sat my brother and sister, who were laughing their asses off.
"Fuck you guys," I said as I glared at them.
Other than their giggling, they didn't say a word.
I dumped half of the pot into a huge-assed cup and went back upstairs to try to find some clothes for work. As I walked over toward my closet, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror.
"Wow, my eyebrows look really dark," I said out loud.
Then I noticed that my lips looked really red...and my cheeks looked really rosy.
And I had big pork-chop sideburns.
Motherfuckers.
They had drawn on my face with markers while I was sleeping on the couch.
I had no time. I needed to scrub my face so that I wouldn't be super late for work. After exfoliating for about 20 minutes, I had removed enough of the marker so that I didn't look like a clown on fucking speed. I applied concealer heavily and actually looked pretty decent.
I only had about 5 minutes to get even with my rat bastard brother and sister. I remembered a story that my older brother told me that he and his friends had done to the girls in their eighth grade class. I decided that it was time to take out the big guns.
Ex-Lax.
Now, my brother and sister are known for their love of all things chocolately, so this was perfect. Before I left the house, I pretended that I was eating it and that I had "forgotten" to take it with me, leaving it on the counter in their plain view.
I went to work and no sooner did I sit at my desk then did I receive a phone call. It was my mom, who was already home from the hospital. I turned out that she had a bad respiratory infection and that they gave her some antibiotics to get rid of the infection.
But that wasn't why she called me.
She wanted to know where my brother and sister could have picked up such a nasty stomach flu that was so bad, they could barely leave the bathroom.
Score.
I even got a few compliments from some of my coworkers on the shade of my lipstick.
Karma's a bitch, now isn't it?
User Reviews
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2008-09-25 15:55:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Laughed my ass off.
Submitted by Alter (user info) at 2007-09-26 21:01:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No, Comment.
Submitted by compEngineer0 (user info) at 2006-08-10 12:46:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-04-21 17:29:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-04-21 09:08:54 (#)
Ranking: 2
All of my reasons for coming here are leaving...
----
Nooooooooooooooooooooooo....
I'll sure miss you, Luci
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-04-21 09:16:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yup
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-04-21 09:08:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
All of my reasons for coming here are leaving...
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-04-20 23:28:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-04-20 10:23:34 (#)
Ranking: 0
This is pretty much my goodbye post. I am too busy at work anymore to Uber all day long. Plus, that and the fact that it really isn't worth reading anymore.
I may be around from time to time to review, but as far as posting, I doubt it.
Thanks for all the fun. Now back to work.
***********************
Booo-urns to that.
:(
Submitted by TimTheBard (user info) at 2006-04-20 15:50:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It sounds like your siblings are much more well-rounded than you.
Well...except maybe concerning your arse.
I've heard rumors.
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-04-20 14:54:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-04-20 13:03:40 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-04-20 10:19:30 (#)
Ranking: 0
You sound like a bitch.
You aren't their mom.
If you were scrumping when you were 17 why shouldn't your sis.
Granted they seem like shit heels for running around when your mom is sick, but how much older are you where you try and control them?
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
I'm the oldest of five. I kinda have to agree with Indo on this one. While it's fun to torture the younger siblings, I always work with them against the parents. Oh, and before you ask - I'm 28. They are 23, 20, 17 and 14.
-----------
I have to agree with these two. Then again, I'm an only child and have no idea what I'm talking about.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-04-20 14:23:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i need to take ex lax. haven't had a good poop in days.
Submitted by myexstaintstain (user info) at 2006-04-20 13:50:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hehe you're a silly bitch
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2006-04-20 13:44:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2006-04-20 13:38:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great stuff!
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-04-20 13:15:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/86880
Submitted by OrganicBuddha (user info) at 2006-04-20 13:06:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-04-20 13:03:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-04-20 10:19:30 (#)
Ranking: 0
You sound like a bitch.
You aren't their mom.
If you were scrumping when you were 17 why shouldn't your sis.
Granted they seem like shit heels for running around when your mom is sick, but how much older are you where you try and control them?
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
I'm the oldest of five. I kinda have to agree with Indo on this one. While it's fun to torture the younger siblings, I always work with them against the parents. Oh, and before you ask - I'm 28. They are 23, 20, 17 and 14.
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2006-04-20 13:02:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll still jerk your circle.
As long as you keep letting me lick your satire like this, that is.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-04-20 12:41:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-04-20 11:19:46 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2006-04-20 11:11:52 (#)
Ranking: 2
I know exactly what you mean.
As for Ubersite being a fucking joke, you're right.
The faggotry level around this place has tripled.
-----------------------
Right on...I would rather not be involved in the circlejerk that is Uber anymore.
I have better things to do.
---------------------------------------------
We all have each others phone numbers and e-mail addys.
I love you Pent.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2006-04-20 12:26:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sounds like how my sister and I talk to each other.
She is conviced that I am a whore and I am convinced that
she is a psycho bitch. It works out.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-04-20 12:25:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2006-04-20 12:12:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wahey
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2006-04-20 12:09:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Eh, some of the dialogue seemed forced, which kept me from enjoying it as much as I should have. Good story though. And gbye. Have a nice life in your cubicle while the cool kids continue harassing one another on the web.
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2006-04-20 12:00:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sibling rivalry, eh?
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2006-04-20 11:45:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
gank, you slimy hand fuck, you don't know shit.
Now go get your lunchbox, the short bus is waiting.
Submitted by gank (user info) at 2006-04-20 11:33:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Uber has always had its circles of jerkery.
It seems like the uber veterans are just somewhat snake-bitten by the fact that they're not in those circles anymore.
There was just as much shit, per capita, getting posted then that there is now.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-04-20 11:30:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 because I'm the youngest and can get away with murder.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-04-20 11:19:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2006-04-20 11:11:52 (#)
Ranking: 2
I know exactly what you mean.
As for Ubersite being a fucking joke, you're right.
The faggotry level around this place has tripled.
-----------------------
Right on...I would rather not be involved in the circlejerk that is Uber anymore.
I have better things to do.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-04-20 11:12:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
If you're really leaving Uber, does that mean we won't be enjoying our cyber-sex sessions anymore?
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2006-04-20 11:11:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I know exactly what you mean.
As for Ubersite being a fucking joke, you're right.
The faggotry level around this place has tripled.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-04-20 11:09:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"After you got 'it?' What is 'it?' Laid?" I screamed.
"What? You're a fucking whore," she said.
---
It's exchanges like this that make me hate the fact I'm an only child.
Submitted by MonkeyingAround (user info) at 2006-04-20 11:09:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love my syblings, they are to far apart in age difference so I don't have to put up with any of them nor do I live with them. It's awsome. Nice payback though!
Submitted by cuberat (user info) at 2006-04-20 11:08:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
SCORE!!
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2006-04-20 11:02:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
see ya round Penta...
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-04-20 10:58:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-04-20 10:55:29 (#)
Ranking: 0
Apparently, people don't get satire anymore.
-------------------
Blaming others for your own inability to communicate your meaning, however, is still in vouge.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-04-20 10:55:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Apparently, people don't get satire anymore.
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2006-04-20 10:51:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It sucks being a control freak.
Try moving out.
Regards,
Spook
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-04-20 10:49:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2006-04-20 10:44:45 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-04-20 10:23:34 (#)
Ranking: 0
This is pretty much my goodbye post. I am too busy at work anymore to Uber all day long. Plus, that and the fact that it really isn't worth reading anymore.
I may be around from time to time to review, but as far as posting, I doubt it.
Thanks for all the fun. Now back to work.
--------------------
<Darth Vader Noooooooooooooooooo>
:(
-------------------
We're in the beginning phase of a major campaign to raise millions of dollars for our campus. Every day I get more and more piled on me, so unless I get assistant or another researcher is hired, I'm just not going to have the time anymore.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-04-20 10:48:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hell fucking yea
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-04-20 10:47:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2006-04-20 10:45:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
semi-loose stool
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2006-04-20 10:44:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-04-20 10:23:34 (#)
Ranking: 0
This is pretty much my goodbye post. I am too busy at work anymore to Uber all day long. Plus, that and the fact that it really isn't worth reading anymore.
I may be around from time to time to review, but as far as posting, I doubt it.
Thanks for all the fun. Now back to work.
--------------------
<Darth Vader Noooooooooooooooooo>
:(
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-04-20 10:37:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by The_Cyst_Master (user info) at 2006-04-20 10:37:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
SHUT YOUR STUPID FUCKING HEAD
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-04-20 10:33:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
love it
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-04-20 10:32:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-04-20 10:23:34 (#)
Ranking: 0
This is pretty much my goodbye post. I am too busy at work anymore to Uber all day long. Plus, that and the fact that it really isn't worth reading anymore.
-----------------
Awww We'll miss you.....even if you are far to attractive to be hanging out on the intarweb.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-04-20 10:29:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This'll make you feel better.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/86828
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-04-20 10:29:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-04-20 10:24:05 (#)
Ranking: 0
This story is also from a few years ago...I forgot to mention that.
--------------
Fair play. Have fun being a wifey to donkey and thanks for the fun.
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-04-20 10:27:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-04-20 10:20:56 (#)
Ranking: 2
If my sis was ever that worried about me I would have to put a tireiron upside her head to make her feel better.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I love it when "tireiron" and "upside (persons) head" are in the same sentence.
Seems so right.
And it was totally missing from the bible.
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2006-04-20 10:26:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wholesome. A good clean, family tale.
This could replace Swiss Family Robinson as an American Classic.
The evil version. You know, like the superfriends cartoon. The superman dressed in black and that whole alter universe thing.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-04-20 10:24:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahahahhahha. i wish you were my sister. younger of course.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-04-20 10:24:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This story is also from a few years ago...I forgot to mention that.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-04-20 10:23:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This is pretty much my goodbye post. I am too busy at work anymore to Uber all day long. Plus, that and the fact that it really isn't worth reading anymore.
I may be around from time to time to review, but as far as posting, I doubt it.
Thanks for all the fun. Now back to work.
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2006-04-20 10:22:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
someone needs to move out...
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-04-20 10:20:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If my sis was ever that worried about me I would have to put a tireiron upside her head to make her feel better.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-04-20 10:20:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2006-04-20 10:20:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm giving you the +2 because I always felt bad about being the evil younger sibling.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-04-20 10:19:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You sound like a bitch.
You aren't their mom.
If you were scrumping when you were 17 why shouldn't your sis.
Granted they seem like shit heels for running around when your mom is sick, but how much older are you where you try and control them?
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2006-04-20 10:15:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i ahte siblings. I dont believe the pay back, but i still wanna +2 u for the effort and the fact it was worth the read.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-04-20 10:15:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Aren't you a married woman now? Why are you sleeping at your parents house? Why do you care who is cornholing your sister?
Your life confuses me.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-04-20 10:15:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes, Score...or as I like to put it: Yahtzee!
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-04-20 10:15:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHA
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2006-04-20 10:11:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment