I Hate Being a Fucking Pervert! (1958 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.26 on 38 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Wardy (View user info) at 2006-04-20 12:56:09 EDT
http://www.ubersite.com/m/86871
And I don't even have sex!
The other night, I had to take my mom to the emergency room because she thought she was having another herpes outbreak. I instructed my siblings not to leave the house and not to tell our father where we went. There's a good chance that if he found out about the herpes I wasn't going to get to watch them have sex anymore through the crack in the wall anymore. At about 10:30 p.m., he showed up at the hospital (he seemed pretty fucking mad) and told me to go home so that I could sleep. The man knew I couldn't sleep without jerking off first, and I think this made him feel a little awkward. Or aroused. I couldn't really tell.
My body was aching for porn. I was beyond aroused, I was so engorged that I almost got into three accidents on my way home. With the little strength that I had left, I walked up the stairs and opened the front door to my house, where I found my twelve year old brother lying on the couch in his underwear.
Holy shit.
"What the hell are you doing?" I asked, barely able to stand upright.
"Watching TV," he said, his eyes fixated on the rather large bulge in my pants.
"You should be in bed." In my bed. Wait. No. Fuck. "Where are the other two?"
"They went out."
"WHAT? WE'RE ALONE?" Holy shit this is so not good.
"Yeah. They said they told mom."
"How could they tell her if she's lying in the hospital?" I shouted. I was beginning to panic. I don't have much in the way of restraint.
"I don't know," he said, clearly not concerned. Does this mean he's curious just like I am? Does he *want* us to be alone?
"Put some clothes on and go to bed. NOW!" What the hell am I saying? I don't even like boys, but damn anything right now. I'd fuck a hole in a tree if it smelled like maple syrup. Mmmmm... maple syrup...
He looked at me with his big, sexy eyes, put his hands over his package (I think he was aroused, because he started rubbing it furiously) and scampered up the steps, laughing playfully. I heard the door to his room slam shut.
He was undoubtedly jerking off.
Without me? FUCK!
I called my sister's cell phone and it went right to her voicemail. "Hmmm, she must be with her boyfriend. That's why she isn't answering," I said to myself. That should give me at least an hour of alone time.
Then it hit me. She was with her boyfriend and she wasn't answering her cell phone. I remembered when I was seventeen. I wasn't getting any sex, but I was watching plenty of it. Granted, I didn't have a cell phone, but I'm sure that if I were parked somewhere, I would either be jerking off or watching someone having sex while jerking off.
She was undoubtedly getting fucked. Live porn and I'm not there? Fuck that.
As I started getting palpitations (I'm not even sure what those are), I dialed my brother's phone. No answer from him either. "Ok, he's eighteen, he's probably not doing anything I need to worry about," I muttered to myself, then I put the final nail in my coffin with, "But, he's probably with Tom, who's a huge pothead."
He was undoubtedly snorting some illegal substance off of some whore's ass.
Oh dammit, I just came in my pants a little.
At 11:30, I started to hallucinate from horniness, but I couldn't go to bed. My younger brother had locked the door. I could not rest with unreleased semen hanging in my testicle sack.
After about five minutes of pacing, and rubbing, pacing and rubbing, I decided to call my sister again. This time, she answered.
"WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?" I shouted.
"I needed poster board for school," she said. She sounded out of breath.
"Oh yeah? How the hell long does it take to get poster board?" I asked.
"Jeff and I went to get some ice cream after I got it." Got it in the ass, I bet.
"After you got 'it?' What is 'it?' Laid?" I screamed. I probably should've kept that one to myself.
"What? You're a fucking whore," she said.
"Yeah, well you better get home before this fucking whore gets in her car and comes looking for you." Please, please don't come home. Stay right where you are. Another three seconds and I should have your position triangulated...
"Oh my God, you're going to come spy on us again, aren't you? I'm coming home now," she said.
Fuck.
The second we hung up, my cell phone started ringing. It was my other little brother.
"And where the fuck are you?" I asked.
"I'm on my way home. Tom and I went out to get some ice cream," he said.
I guess ice cream was the excuse of the night. I'd like to spread some ice cream all over my balls and watch naked wrestling porn.
"Oh really? Are you sure you weren't doing 'icing?'"
"Huh?" he asked.
"That's where you jerk off your friend until he blows it in your mouth, and then you make out with him and taste your own jizzum." Oh that's hot. "Just get home right now!" I shouted.
"That's not... fucking shit... why are you so weird?"
I tossed the phone onto the couch, then I threw myself onto the chair, my feet dangling over the edge, and my hard on still staring right back at me. Maybe if I kick my legs over my head...
WHY CAN'T I SUCK MY OWN DICK!?!? DAMMIT!!!
"Jesus Christ! These kids are going to be the death of me!" I yelled.
No one listened to me as I shouted.
Typical. Wait, if no one can hear me that means I can rub one out right here. Sweet.
Afterwards I passed out, but woke up after a few hours. I dragged myself to bed, my siblings still out and about somewhere in the evil world. Every time I heard the slightest noise, I would slink out of my room and lean over the banister to see if they had finally come home so I could watch them undress.
My concupiscent nature had destroyed any chance of me getting any sleep. Even though my body was completely aroused, it still would not let me get the exquisite rest that I was aching for.
The next morning, I trudged down the stairs and into the kitchen, where I started a pot of coffee. At the table sat my brother and sister, who were laughing their asses off.
I looked down. My morning wood was safely tucked beneath the elastic of my underoos.
"Fuck, you guys," I said as I looked at them with my sexy eyes.
Other than their giggling, they didn't say a word. "Does that mean yes?"
I dumped half of the pot into a huge-assed (mmm... huge ass) cup and went back upstairs to try to find some clothes for work. Clothes suck. As I walked over toward my closet, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror.
"Wow, my dick looks really dark," I said out loud.
Then I noticed that my lips looked really red...and my cheeks looked really rosy.
And I had wretched stinging pains in my loins.
Motherfuckers.
They had scraped my mom's herpes sores on my face and dick while I was sleeping on the couch.
I had no time. I needed to scrub my face so that I wouldn't get the infection forever. After exfoliating for about 20 minutes, I had removed enough of the sores so that I didn't look like a two dollar whore. That does sound hot though. I rubbed one out. I applied concealer heavily and actually looked pretty decent.
Yeah, you're a sexy girl, aren't you? Yeah, a dirty one too. You're sooo dirty. Look at you...
I only had about 5 minutes to get even with my rat bastard brother and sister. I remembered a story that my older brother told me that he and his friends had done to the girls in their eighth grade class. I decided that it was time to take out the big guns.
Testicle one. Testicle Two.
Now, my brother and sister are known for their love of all things vanilla, so this was perfect. Before I left the house, I pretended that I was eating it and that I had "forgotten" to take it with me, leaving it on the counter in their plain view. Covered in my *special* icing.
I went to work and no sooner did I sit at my desk then did I receive a phone call. It was my mom, who was already home from the hospital. It turned out that she had a bad syphilis infection and that they gave her some antibiotics to get rid of the infection.
But that wasn't why she called me.
She wanted to know where my brother and sister could have picked up such a nasty case of syphillis that was so bad, they could barely leave the bathroom.
Score.
I even got a few compliments from some of my coworkers on the shade of my lipstick. They have no idea I'm really a man. Dressing rooms rock.
Sex is a bitch, isn't it?
User Reviews
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-06-11 20:47:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 to negate Zanatos. Poor kid, I mean, he's already in Wisco!
Submitted by Zanatos (user info) at 2006-06-11 20:30:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
meh. -2 because you write like you think you're an authority on creative writing...
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-04-21 09:45:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
i have a poetic license for that.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-04-21 09:42:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Sick in the head.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-04-21 06:13:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BurnTheHobo (user info) at 2006-04-21 05:51:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Man, you are one fucked up kid.
Submitted by tarnation (user info) at 2006-04-21 02:35:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ah, then i read the original. I'M the fucken dumb cunt.
Submitted by tarnation (user info) at 2006-04-21 02:32:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
fucken dumb cunt
Submitted by toucan_sam (user info) at 2006-04-20 16:05:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
that's some funny shit
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-04-20 16:05:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-04-20 14:47:28 (#)
Ranking: 2
this is right up there with fuck gnomes, wizards get what they want because they deserve it.
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hmmm... that's a hefty compliment there... thanks
Submitted by waterbottle (user info) at 2006-04-20 15:30:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Perfect
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-04-20 15:18:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Grownasskid (user info) at 2006-04-20 14:49:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
unsettled
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-04-20 14:48:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love this.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-04-20 14:47:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this is right up there with fuck gnomes, wizards get what they want because they deserve it.
Granted, I didn't have a cell phone, but I'm sure that if I were parked somewhere, I would either be jerking off or watching someone having sex while jerking off.
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2006-04-20 14:33:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you are so... disturbed
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2006-04-20 14:19:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
...
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-04-20 14:17:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice parody of my satire.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-04-20 13:38:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-04-20 13:27:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
so this is a perfect rating if not for ets and his alters? sweet...
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-04-20 13:27:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
what?
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-04-20 13:24:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You should have fisted that 12 year old until he was nice and ready to take your cock and then....
Um...
Nevermind.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-04-20 13:21:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
electrictoothsyndrome (user info) -75 on 56 = -1.34 -- oh ets...
Submitted by Cyrus (user info) at 2006-04-20 13:20:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Cream in your coffee?"
Wardy: "not lately"
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-04-20 13:15:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-04-20 13:12:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-04-20 13:10:33 (#)
Ranking: 2
Vengance is still running around?
Does ETS know that "converting" his alter to his way of thinking really doesn't count.
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hahahhahaha...
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-04-20 13:10:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Vengance is still running around?
Does ETS know that "converting" his alter to his way of thinking really doesn't count.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-04-20 13:09:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
phuzzy -- you make me want to dance around the living room with my underoos draped on my head while sipping on lipton ice tea.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-04-20 13:07:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice. She'll love it.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-04-20 13:06:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wardy - I love you.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-04-20 13:05:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
oh ets...
Submitted by Vengance (user info) at 2006-04-20 13:05:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2006-04-20 13:04:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2006-04-20 13:03:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm always a fan of this sort of post.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-04-20 13:03:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Art doesn't.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/86828
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-04-20 12:59:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ahhahahahaha this was great! i liked the original, but this was a good parody!
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2006-04-20 12:59:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by OneCheapGeek (user info) at 2006-04-20 12:59:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment