The creation of the Devil (469 hits)
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Submitted by waterbottle (View user info) at 2006-04-20 15:13:08 EDT
The bible will tell you that the devil was created when one of the 3 angels, Lucifer, became too greedy for his own good and wanted to become like God. That is actually not true. This is how the Devil came into being.
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God and the Virgin Mary floated through heaven. God, in his flowing white toga, driving a jeep - he was cool. The Virgin Mary, a prototype for Marilyn Monroe. They were close, Virgin Mary would often drop in for afternoon tea with God. Once a week, she would cook halibut in butter, God's favourite. After the meal, God and The Virgin Mary would lie together in conjugal relations, whilst discussing the missionary position now available.
But this cozy life was soon to change.
There is a rule in heaven, once you're in, you're in. No matter who or what you were, if you have been admitted to heaven, you are there for good.
It was a Saturday morning at the Pearly Gates, and St Peter was upset at having to work a double shift. Not only was he grumpy because of this, he was also suffering from a severe tequilla induced hangover, and Juan had failed to bring him any weed
(God often wondered why there were so many Mexicans in heaven). And, to add insult to injury, his secret crush, The Virgin Mary, had turned him down when he made a drunken pass at her.
And so, when Bill Clinton turned up at the Pearly Gates, St Peter couldn't be bothered to argue with him, telling him how he wasn't actually allowed into heaven, he was supposed to have gone to hell. Instead a cunning plan slithered into St Peter's mind. Suddenly he turned to Bill: "Of course you can come in, you have plot number 24, between The Virgin Mary, and Doctor Cox.
And so Bill entered heaven. He decorated his plot, and grew pretty flowers in the garden. "It was my love of gardening that would cause my most fateful mistake" he later commented in his memoirs.
It was an idle Thursday whilst he was watering his begonias that Bill happened to glance up. There sunning herself in the next door garden was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Bill quickly climed his Dogrose tree to get a better look, and hide amongst the foliage.
Bill was determined to get this buxom beauty. He thought and thought because he was a streetwise man. He wasn't going to get bitten twice. He waited and waited for his chance. And then one day it came.
God got called out to settle a dispute between warring alien factions, and the coast was clear. Bill went around to The Virgin Mary's house. He rang the bell and waited. A few minutes later she came to the door. Bill felt his trousers tighten. Bill explained who he was and the Virgin Mary invited him inside. They talked and talked, the Virgin Mary saying how she felt second best to Marilyn Monroe. Bill explained that he felt second best to Kennedy, after all, Marilyn vs Monica?
Bill and the Virgin Mary soon fell upon each other. They were Frenching when Bill suddenly stopped. The Virgin Mary was wearing a plain dress. "Quick," he said, "Put on a patterned dress, the stains don't show up."
It was later that evening. God had returned, tired, his "Teleportation to Peace" had failed. He felt like a bit of loving so he got a pizza, vegetarian, and headed around to The Virgin Mary's.
As he walked up to the door he heard moans. Before knocking he looked through the lounge window. At first he thought The Virgin Mary was praying because she was kneeling. Then he realised what was happening.
"I'll throw this bastard out of heaven" he thought. He stormed through the door, slapped The Virgin Mary, through her against the wall, and then turned his attention to the man. He picked Bill up by the feet, repeatedly spearing him into the ground head first. "Stop! Stop!" wailed The Virgin Mary.
"Shut up bitch!" God yelled, before throwing Bill in the back of his jeep and heading for the gates. When he arrived there he called St Peter and told him to get rid of Bill. St Peter refused pointing out that he couldn't throw someone out of heaven once they had been admitted.
This annoyed God, but there was nothing he could do about it. He drove off, heading through the slums of heaven, he'd dump Bill there and hopefully some bum would finish him off. Satisfied with his nights work God went home thinking he would deal with the Virgin Mary in the morning. "One thing is for sure", he thought "I will not sleep with her anymore."
God decided this would be ok, he could do without sex, after all, as long as she wasn't getting any, he didn't need any either. And he had put Bill out of the picture.
Alas that wasn't to be, because God had left Bill outside of Al Gore's cardboard box, rather than Donald Rumsfeld's. Bill was soon reinstalled in his house.
Bill and The Virgin Mary continued to have sleep together, sneaking out to see each other every night (The Virgin Mary bribed the guard by flashing him). God didn't know about this, and so it came as a surprise to him, to find Bill and The Virgin Mary entwined around each other down by the side of the lake. God went home broken hearted. He had a longing, and masturbating just wasn't doing the trick anymore, and Satan was refusing to send over any more porn.
God decided he had to do something. He would have to get a hooker, but of course there were no hookers in heaven. So God headed for earth.
Now Earth by this time was pre-historic. The world had become involved in a nuclear war, after George Bush got upset with President Hu on a state/not state visit.
There was only one prostitute on earth, and it was a male prostitute. Not only was it a male prostitute, but it was a male dinosaur prostitute. There were no humans left on earth by this time (Mike Tyson doesn't count).
This prostitute was known, ironically, as Free Willy. His dick was so huge he had to have five monkey's holding it, to stop it dragging on the ground.
God went to find Free Willy, and he found him on the shores of the Caspian Sea, topping up his suntan. God was surprised at how big Free Willy was, but he was turned on, especially by Free Willy's lederhosen. God and Free Willy negotiated a price. One night, and God would ensure Free Willy was STD-free forever.
That night God and Free Willy got down to it. God bent over the bed, his ankles and his wrists chained (he was into that). Free Willy entered him. He was huge and God was new to this. God cried out in pain, but he wouldn't let Free Willy stop. He needed that release. As Free Willy pounded away at God, the monkeys kept God's arsehole lubed up with volcanic lava. It felt good as they made man-love.
But soon morning came and Free Willy unshackled God. God banished all STD's from Free Willy forever. God headed back to heaven. Free Willy put on his lederhosen and headed back to the shores of the Caspian Sea.
Half a light year later God began to feel sick, and get weird cravings. Fried zombie nose was his latest. He also noticed his previously flowing toga was starting to get tight on him. He was beginning to bulge.
Another half a light year later and God went into labour. He headed for Sacred Heart Hospital, where he was put into a bed next to, of all people, The Virgin Mary.
God and The Virgin Mary both went into labour at the same time. Exactly 6 hours, 6 minutes, and 6 seconds later both gave birth to a rolling black ball the size of a water melon. These two balls rolled across the floor towards each other, they moulded into one. A huge black ball the size of Kansas.
And then it disappeared out the window. God looked at The Virgin Mary. The Virgin Mary looked at God. They both looked out the window at the departing trail of acrid blackness. They both knew. THE DEVIL HAD BEEN BORN.
User Reviews
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2006-04-21 08:50:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
God and the Virgin Mary floated through heaven. God,
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*Activate Auto God Shutdown*
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2006-04-21 00:41:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Big deal, to make me my parents fucked.
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-04-20 17:31:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Gnostics believe that what traditional religion refers to as the creator became the devil and his son became God, because the creator's mother kinda got pissed at it. It's more complicated than that, but if you care you can look it up yourself.
Submitted by mockidol (user info) at 2006-04-20 16:29:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Actually, the most accepted story of the devil's "creation" was omitted from the bible, but it is in several different religions texts. The jews for instance still include it. The book is refferred to as the "Book of Enoch".
Anyway, it says that angels took a trip to Earth to visit humans and ended up falling in love with human woman and refused to leave. God then proceded to punish them with "eternal seperation from God" by forcing them to stay there.
So yes, in essence that means hell is on Earth, that it's womans' fault it exist, and that most religions are a sham because if the Devil didn't exist until humans already populated the Earth, then how was he the snake in the garden of Eden? It contradicts itself. Oh wait. The whole thing does. What? symbolisim you say? Balderdash.
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2006-04-20 16:05:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
How bananas
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2006-04-20 15:55:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
i, uh... "Made me smile(+1)"
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-04-20 15:37:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
umm...good writing?