Scavenger Hunt - First Item: A Live Brown Argus (1008 hits)
Category: GeneralLabels: Scavenger_Hunt_Mine
Rating: 1.97 on 31 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Nath (w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m) (View user info) at 2006-04-21 09:26:53 EDT
The van pulled up in the zoo car park and Will and Dan climbed into the back with the rest of us. We were all kitted up in our uniforms, various tools scattered about us. From his chest pocket, Will pulled out a zoo map.
"Everyone clear on the plan?" Everyone else nodded. I didn't have a clue what the plan was, as I had been pretty hammered when we had gone through it, but not wanting to be the weak link on item one I nodded enthusiastically.
When I realised I looked like I was about to foam at the mouth I stopped myself.
"Ready?" Will said, not really expecting an answer. "GO!" He screamed as he pulled the side door open. We all piled out in the baking hot sun and sprinted across the car park towards the entrance.
Walking along calmly were all the regular summer visitors, families, couples, special schools. They just watched us in silent awe as we practically glided past.
Near the entrance we all crouched down behind a wall.
"Shit." Will said with a lot of drama in his voice. "Security."
I leaned my head around the corner and saw the lone security guard who looked old enough to have ordered my grandfather around during the war.
"How we going to bust in?" Pete asked.
"We're busting in?" Mary nearly screeched.
"Afraid we have to." Will said. "Rules are rules. No entrance fees. Dan, you got any ideas?"
Dan was the ideas man, excellent when it came to strategies and planning. He quickly had a look around the corner, slammed his fist into his open palm ala Robin and leant back.
"Won't be easy." He said, thoughts obviously pouring through his mind.
"I say we rush it!" This was the loose cannon on the team, Mike.
"No, the barriers won't..." But before I could finish, Mike had sprinted off around the corner and was charging full pelt towards the barrier.
The security guard didn't even notice Mike, until the massive smash of his body colliding with the rigid barrier. He hadn't even attempted to jump it, just ploughed straight into it.
Not one to be put off by a near crippling injury or six staff members, four visitors and a security guard trying to stop them, Mike bounced off, somehow managed to regain his balance and charged again.
Again there was another smash, this one not so loud and when Mike came away this time he had fallen down onto his back, struggling to get back on his feet to give it another go. But people were all over him.
Taking the distraction as a welcome opportunity, we headed up towards the empty entrance and with all the stealth that Shadow Dancer and Shinobi's Revenge had taught us, climbed over the gate.
Unfortunately it seems Shinobi is a pretty shite sensei and we were all spotted, just as Harry stumbled across.
"Run!" Will shouted needlessly as we all began charging through the zoo.
About four or five guards on the inside had begun a chase.
"Split up?" Mary said.
"Definitely." Will replied. "Everyone met up at the butterfly house in fifteen minutes when you're 100% safe."
"Butterfly?" I screamed in shock. "What the fuck are we going to that hell house for?"
"Where else would they keep a butterfly?" Dan said, overtaking me.
"Brown Argus is a butterfly?" I was close to tears.
"What did you think it was?" Harry nearly spat at me.
"I don't know. Sounds like a cow or something."
"You thought we were going to come to steal a fucking cow?" Mary was half laughing, half pissed off.
"I ain't getting in no butterfly house, Hannibal." I said in my best Mr. T voice.
"What the hell are you going to do then?"
"I'll run distraction."
"Go for it." Will told me.
At this point I was at the back of the group, so I took a quick glance back and saw three of the guards still chasing. God knows where the other two were. Probably back at HQ calling for a strike team.
Then I had a flash of inspiration as we passed two young children, each with an ice cream. I grabbed one in each hand and had a quick chuckle at the instant cries of the children.
With a smooth, spinning leap I threw both ice creams down onto the path as close to the guards feet as I could. They both landed perfectly, causing two of the guards to slip completely over and the third to stumble enough to give us enough of a getaway.
---
A few minutes later everyone else had disappeared, while I slowed my pace down a bit and waited around to see if the guards had been pursuing us since they had fallen.
The plan was I would go to the top of the hill and keep a wide eye on the butterfly house from a safe distance from the disgusting, hairy, wide-winged bastards. If it looked like the heat was going to come down on my team, I would either call it in or distract them as best I could.
From my vantage point it appeared as if everyone else had made it in just fine, with Mary left outside the door to keep an eye on everything from down there. They were in there for at least five minutes, obviously looking for the right species.
I began to get bored, so started pacing a little bit. After a little while another kid with an ice cream cone walked past. Remembering how much fun I'd had before, I pressed the base of the cone up, splattering ice cream all over her face and in her hair.
The girl began crying instantly. And less than another instant later, her dad was there. Now I don't know much about robotics or animatronics, but from the size of this guy I would have to say he was at least cyborg, if not 100% android.
Imagine the terminator without the funny accent.
"Oh shit..." I muttered, and then felt a gulp coming on.
He approached, menacingly, while I made every effort to keep my bladder under control. I thought back to Shinobi, who seemed to rely on weapons pretty heavily.
So I thought back to my dad. The best two pieces of advice he ever gave me was:
- If there's a gang, just twat the biggest one in the centre of the face
- If there's one, just twat them before they twat you.
As soon as he was close enough, I punched the guy in the face as hard as I could, before cowering back tightly. This was followed by a lot of screaming, as his surprisingly attractive wife ran over to see if her husband was okay.
Clearly he wasn't, as he was led on the ground, blood pouring from his nose. Perhaps then wasn't the best time for a Rocky victory dance, but it's not every day you knock down a bigger bastard then yourself.
"You wanker!" The woman screamed, ruining the attractive illusion by opening her mouth and letting her east end accent escape. Just as I was considering whether I would be able to knock her out as well, there came a vibrating in my pocket.
It was Mary.
"Guess who I just knocked out!" I said straight away.
"Who?" She didn't sound as excited as I was.
"I don't know his name, but he's fucking huge."
"Well done. Why?"
"He was a prick."
"What did he do?"
I began thinking about the events that led to me hitting him, and realising it was started by me bullying his eight or nine year old daughter, I decided to change the subject.
"What do you want, Mary?"
"We're ready to go."
"You got the Brown Argus?"
"Of course."
"You sure you got the right one?" I asked.
"Well let's see. Four legs and milk comes out of its tits, so yeah."
"Sarcasm is so unnecessary."
"Just met us at the entrance as soon as you can."
---
As I was walking as casually as possible down the hill path towards the exit, I saw two guards run in the opposite direction down the hill, towards the butterfly house.
I needed to act fast.
So I did the most dangerous thing I could think of. While the man in the ice cream van was distracted by his career of serving cold teeth destroying missiles to spoilt children, I dived in the driver's window, leaving my feet hanging out.
I let the hand break off and pressed the horn once for as long as I could, before the van began rolling. The ice cream man turned to look at me and I saw the fear in his eyes.
He dived through the serving hatch, while I pushed myself back out of the window. We were immediately surrounded by screams of women who were acting like Godzilla had just woken up again.
I saw the two guards at the end of the road turn to see what was happening, as the van picked up speed and smashed into the monkey catch at the fork in the hill path.
It was almost like they were waiting for it, as the monkeys made their move to escape. Except for some that chose to try ice cream. Monkeys are funny. Monkeys eating ice cream are quite scary.
---
In the following chaos, we all made our escape. On the outside we found Mike sat next to the van, nursing his arms, legs and chest.
"Did you get it?" He asked, sounding kind of sheepish.
Instead of answering like a sensible person, Will pulled out a small container from his pocket, built to the butterfly's environment perfectly.
"This had better have been worth it." I muttered, sure that the creature was staring at me. And showing its fangs if it has them. And if it doesn't, I'm sure it will try and grow some.
But still, at least we had the first item on the list.
---
Next Item: A Pen from a Bank Manager's Desk
User Reviews
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2006-05-04 06:23:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome...
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-04-28 07:43:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Another nonsensical series from Nath?
Quelle surprise. Bring it on.
Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey (user info) at 2006-04-26 07:58:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Butterfly?" I screamed in shock. "What the fuck are we going to that hell house for?"
--
>snort<
Poofter.
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-04-25 11:06:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
:D
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-04-21 17:46:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/86965
I'll play too.
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2006-04-21 17:21:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Post the list. I won't back down from any item on it.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-04-21 16:06:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Instead of throwing the ice cream, he should have thrown the kids in the lemur pit or something. That would have gotten you a +2.
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2006-04-21 15:15:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
so will you give people items to find and then we peeps post about how we acquire them? Or what?
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2006-04-21 15:09:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-04-21 14:13:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I joined in: http://www.ubersite.com/m/86948
I have to admit I thourhht it said angus and I was wondering if there were such a beast as the brown angus as I've only heard of the black angus.
This should be pretty fun, thanks for letting me join you. B
Submitted by COMountain (user info) at 2006-04-21 13:48:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-04-21 13:15:58 (#)
Ranking: 2
I forgot to mention that the first time I read this, I saw "ANGUS", not "Argus."
-------------------------
I thought it said "Anus."
Imagine my relief...
STOP JUDGING ME FOR CLICKING ON AN ANUS POST
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-04-21 13:41:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-04-21 13:24:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This roxxors
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-04-21 13:15:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I forgot to mention that the first time I read this, I saw "ANGUS", not "Argus."
And was wondering where the hell the bloody cow was at.
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-04-21 12:09:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Never any intention of this being a group thing, but people are more than welcome to join in
Have mailed you, brdn
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-04-21 10:52:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Seriously though I'm sure this is good but I don't want to read it - if it's about butterflies.
I am PETRIFIED of the critters..
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-04-21 10:50:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you intended this to be joined by others? WHY WASN'T I NOTIFIED? just kidding, again if you don't mind i'd give this a go.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-04-21 10:49:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-04-21 10:41:41 (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-04-21 10:33:49 (#)
Ranking: 2
So what ARE the rules for this hunt exactly??
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I'll be covering it pretty soon
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Fine... be that way.
I just hope at some point nudity is involved.
Submitted by hyprspacd (user info) at 2006-04-21 10:48:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked it.
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-04-21 10:41:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-04-21 10:33:49 (#)
Ranking: 2
So what ARE the rules for this hunt exactly??
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'll be covering it pretty soon
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-04-21 10:33:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So what ARE the rules for this hunt exactly??
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-04-21 10:33:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AAAAAAAAAAHHH
*runs screaming from the room*
YOU SAID THE 'B' WORD
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-04-21 10:29:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
mind if my team competed with yours? just a thought, if you don't mind drop me a note or email me: brdn_nkd.at.yahoo.com
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-04-21 10:27:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
cool concept for a series
Submitted by Spacegrass (user info) at 2006-04-21 10:20:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bullying little girls always deserves a +2
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-04-21 10:15:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-04-21 09:55:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I chuckled in at least four places.
Submitted by G-prime (user info) at 2006-04-21 09:49:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I swear, it's TRY TO GROW and not try and grow. Why? Because just because it tries does not mean it will. The tail does not wag the dog. It will try, but it may fail, so try AND grow would be wrong, because it implies success. It's try to grow.
Fuckin limeys...
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-21 09:41:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-04-21 09:39:33 (#)
Ranking: 2
for some reason i read the title as:
A live brown anus.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-04-21 09:39:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
for some reason i read the title as:
A live brown anus.
do you realize how dissapointing this story was for me?
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-04-21 09:31:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Its the sea with me. The sea is satans true home.