Without me, all my friends will destroy themselves (747 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: Misc
Rating: 1.73 on 22 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by kaos-king (antius777) (View user info) at 2006-04-21 11:08:14 EDT
*all names have been changed to protect the ridiculous*
THE PLAYERS:
Roommates - Dawn, Allison, Kara, Lindsay, Kelly
Guys - Will, Dave, Rich, Kao-King
It started out simple enough. Dawn had broke up with her boyfriend of multiple years, Will. He lived in the same apartment complex as all five roommates, so Dawn and Will continued to sleep together on and off even after they split, but everything was cool. Allison and Dave were fuck buddies who had been slowly drifting apart, much to Dave's disappointment. Allison had also, secretly, slept with Rich a few time. Rich was her roommate Lindsay's ex-boyfriend. Rich was madly in love with Allison, but she didn't feel the same way about him.
Got all this so far?
I believe it all really started when Will (that lucky bastard) got to have a foursome with his ex, Dawn and Allison, along with another random girl, Jan. This began a chain of events that has lead me to write this utterly stupid post. Trust me, just wait...
Now, tossing five girls in their early twenties into a townhouse is a recipe for disaster, in my opinion. Tension was already high among them. Secrets were being kept by different parties and alliances kept changing daily on new topics. I, of course, knew about everything.
Then in the same week, Dawn's ex-boyfriend Will went and had sex with some chick, and Allison found out her ex-boyfriend got married. The two girls became emotional wrecks, but found mutual comfort in their misery. Feeling the need to get out of their apartment, they spent a night at my place. We got drunk and played monopoly. Unfortunately, nothing else happened.
Dawn and Will talked things out, but Allison was still depressed. She ended up spending another night at my place. This time, she slept in my bed and we fooled around a bit. Not much to report, other than Allison is drop dead gorgeous and I wondered which Dark Pagan God I had made happy that week. The next morning we agreed it was a one time thing, and left it at that.
A few days later, Dawn found out about Allison and I, and took issue with the situation. Dawn and I had been very close friends for years and she was concerned for me. She had also been friends with Rich, and he had stopped coming around after things with him and Allison had gone sour. Plus, no one (especially Lindsay, Rich's ex) knew that Allison and he had had a torrid affair. Dawn was worried the same things would occur with me as they had with Rich.
This sparked hostility between Dawn and Allison. I tried to explain to them both the other's point of view, but they were mostly set in their views. They lived together in animosity, with Kara, Lindsay and Kelly clueless to the source of the problem.
It was St. Patrick's day. We were all out drinking ourselves into early graves. I had been dragged to BW3's to watch KSU in the Final Four. While there, someone (possibly Kelly) mentions to Dave that Allison has been sleeping with various other people. Dave is not pleased. Later that night, while Dave and Allison are having a gigantic fight, Dawn slurs something to me that sounds suspiciously like "Dave is hot."
Then came the New Mexico trip. Dawn was looking into a graduate program there but didn't have the money for round trip airfare. As it turned out, Allison's ex-fuck buddy Dave was considering a promotion that would take him to New Mexico. He actually had a week off from work to drive down there and check out the location and offered to let Dawn come along. Just for the hell of it, Kara decided to go, too.
The trip was a blast for the three, blah, blah, blah. And wouldn't you know it... on the way back, Dawn and Dave hooked up. (You can not be surprised by this turn of events.)
Needless to say, Allison flips out. Mostly, I feel, because Kelly told her instead of the couple. (Damn that Kelly!) As tempers flare, Lindsay decides that Dawn and Allison need to sit down and talk everything out. She also thinks a mediator should be present. Lindsay nominates Kaos-King. *sigh* I gather up the two girls, plop them down on my couch, and let them go at it. There is screaming, crying and hugging. Eventually everything is calmed down.
Then Dawn decides that Allison should talk to Dave. Fuck.
Dawn leaves and Dave comes over. I think this will go as smooth as the last conversation, although perhaps quicker than three god damn hours. Well... it was quicker, all right. It would seem Dave told Allison just two weeks previous that he loved her. When Allison calls him on this he says, "That was a mistake, I shouldn't have said that. I never loved you." Ouch! Even though Allison had been the one pulling away, that's a rough thing to hear. She immediately leaves in tears.
The events of the next week are up for debate. According to Allison and Lindsay, the new couple threw their relationship in Allison's face. According to Dawn, Dave and Kara, nothing of the sort occurred. Kelly had no opinion because she is stupid.
Thursday night, and everyone is out drinking like the consumption of alcohol will cure cancer. As the night winds down, we all go our separate ways. It is still unknown whether done on purpose out of spite, or rather out of drunken stupidity... but Allison goes home with Dawn's ex-boyfriend Will and sleeps with him.
If you're still reading this, you're shaking your head right now. Oh wait... it gets better!
Friday night, I make the crucial mistake of going to a party with my little brother instead of going to a party with the crew. It was a good time, my so-called "Slumber Buddy" was there, so she got real drunk and came home with me. We were getting ready for bed, when I realized there were four messages on my answering machine.
It would seem that night, while at the party, Will called Dawn while he was drunk to yell at her for being with Dave. During the conversation, he let it slip that he had slept with Allison just the night before. Dawn completely goes ballistic, and storms off in search of her roommate.
She find Allison outside in the gravel drive way talking on her cell phone. Dawn confronts her with such diplomatic phrases such as "Slut" and "Whore." Allison tells her to drop it and walk away. Dawn refuses.
Dawn is a curvy 5' 2", 125 lbs. Allison is a very thin 5' 6" , 115 lbs.
Allison proceeds to beat the ever-living shit out of her roommate, Dawn.
From the tales I'm told, first Allison clocks Dawn in the face. As Dawn stumbles, Allison strikes her about the face and torso a few more time. When Dawn falls to the ground, Allison then starts kicking Dawn all over, screaming various obscenities. It took three... "THREE"... rugby players to pull Allison off Dawn.
Dawn has moved out of the townhouse and into Dave's apartment. She will no longer speak to either Allison or Will, although both have, um... apologized. Kara will not speak to Allison and is not renewing her portion of the lease. Lindsay sides with Allison, but still doesn't know that Allison slept with her ex-boyfriend. Kelly is still stupid.
And Kaos-King? How do I fit in? What are my thoughts on the whole thing? Well, what Allison and Will did was stupid, kinda fucked up. And Allison sure as hell shouldn't have whipped the shit out of her (now former) best friend. But at the same time, I have to respect the pure Evil of the whole thing. And the Chaos... don't forget the Chaos.
Plus, I still want to have sex with Allison...
User Reviews
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-24 06:37:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I lost track. I really need this to be complete with diagrams, pictures and short movie clips of each action (particularly the foursome you described with five participants).
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-04-24 06:25:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Jeus wept.
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2006-04-24 06:18:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2006-04-23 13:06:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this is the kind of post that i promise myself i will, SOMEday, get up the courage to read the whole way through. fucking headache, man
Submitted by Durae (user info) at 2006-04-21 17:48:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
In situations like this (well I really couldn't follow this post at all) I like to have a big party, invite people who hate each other, not inform them that so-and-so is coming, throw in a lot of booze, stir the pot and sit back to watch the carnage.
Just be prepared with wood glue and other tools for the next morning.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-04-21 17:33:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Upon further consideration, the problem is, your friends have no respect for each other. It's okay to be a slut, but to be a backstabbing slut?? Not cool. I mean, are these the last men and women on Earth, that they have to fuck each other and ONLY each other? Or are they just too lazy to leave the house?
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-04-21 17:32:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sweet zombie Jesus!
Kaos, I gotta tell you...your friends are retarded whorebags. Must be kind of fun to watch.
Submitted by mockidol (user info) at 2006-04-21 17:28:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2006-04-21 15:33:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ah the crazy antics of singles in their early twenties, reminds me of my youth.
No, wait, I'm still 23 and nothing of the sort ever happened.
Guess that puts me ahead of the game.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-04-21 14:24:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You know what would be better than a diagram.
Get a photo of them pillow fighting in their underwear....cause you know they do that.
Then just add the names.
Submitted by cuberat (user info) at 2006-04-21 14:21:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Kelly sounds like the perfect girl...as long as she's hot. I mean, she's dumb enough to not have a clue about all this?! Snatch that one up...
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-04-21 14:07:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oooh.. I need to diagram this to get it all..
but allison slept with everyone? So you have a shot..
heh -good luck, and more good stories should have come out of this situation
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2006-04-21 12:33:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i couldn't even follow this. your friends are melrose place-type sluts apparently.
have fun playing them like puppets and working every situation to your advantage. if you do it right, you could probably have all the women.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-04-21 12:21:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
after about "got all this so far?" i lost track of the entire story except the part with kelly interjections. seems to me you live, or lived, with a whole bunch of sluts. on that note, try to bang them all because they can't keep it in their pants anyway. allison and dawn should be allowed beat the shit out of eachother because they're both equally retarded when it comes down to it. pot and kettle.
you should write soaps. you'd make a fortune.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-04-21 12:18:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I can't give this a positive rating. I couldn't even get through it. Make a printable handguide so I can read this, please.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-04-21 12:07:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So he gets a foursome and you get monopoly.
I hope you at least won.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-04-21 12:05:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I CANNOT imagine living with that many women under one roof.
Sounds like the Surreal Life.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-04-21 11:38:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oh god that was hard to keep up with - I had to keep scrolling back to see who was who.
Your life is a soap opera indeed.
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-04-21 11:26:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i got lost somewhere in there but it sounds like an episode of the OC but with cool people. +2! or maybe even Melrose Place. I hate that Billy, he's just sooo smug..
Submitted by MichelleNJ (user info) at 2006-04-21 11:22:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I get really confused when there are a lot of people involved. But I'll give you a +2 cuz I'm sure it was a good story.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-04-21 11:17:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't know, I kind of like a slice of someone else's messed up ilfe every now and then. It does kind of sound like you live in a big fucking soap opera but whatever.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-04-21 11:09:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
... and strangely enough, after my last post, pulseHEAD totally hated this...
Interesting...