That bitch next door (783 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.31 on 14 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by erosion_rules (View user info) at 2006-04-21 13:33:56 EDT
My dog has spent the last two days emitting that high pitched squeal that dogs emit when they want something. Some call it whining, but it's much more high-pitched than normal dog whining. It's almost like he's whistling. It's one of the most irritating sounds I have ever witnessed, and it has resulted in a lot of "Shut the fuck up! Max! Shut...the...fuck...UP!" Then I realized that yelling won't do it. I have since progressed to a squirt gun I bought a while back to fill with my own spooge and piss, so I could shoot it at kids in a mall.
The reason has become clear to me. The bitch next door is in heat, and I won't let him out of the yard to fuck her. So instead, he spends his day whistling and licking his dong. I'm just happy to find out that dogs swallow their loads when they're finished licking one out, because I am in no mood to mop up jizz that isn't my own.
Some may ask why I won't just let him go fuck, dogs need it too and all that. Others ask why I don't just get his nuts chopped off. Well, I wouldn't expect anyone else to lop off their nuts, why should I expect my dog to do without them? Anyway, the problem lies not with the dogsex, it lies with the "I hate my fucking neighbors." I'm surrounded by fucking shithead neighbors.
On the right, I have a nosy WASP bitch who calls the cops when she smells the faintest whiff of pot in the neighborhood...yet sparks a bowl on her back patio every morning at 4:30.
On the right, it's the fat Mexican family with their perpetually horny dog. I wouldn't have such a problem with them if they left me alone, but they're always knocking on my door, waving some weird church pamphlet in my face, babbling "Iglesia. Iglesia! Vamos a la Iglesia, vamos, vamos!" or some dumb shit about getting me into a Spanish speaking church. That, and the fact that they insist that I'm Puerto Rican. What the fuck? I'm Irish, Welsch, and Mohawk. Then, I catch their nine year old son camping on my front lawn. He's the only one that speaks any english, and as I was yelling at him, he told me his parents told him to camp there. When I tried to talk to them about it, through him, suddenly he also lost all ability to speak English.
User Reviews
Submitted by centaur (user info) at 2008-05-29 05:25:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
My dog has no nose.
How does he smell?
Fucking awful!!
HAHAHAHHAAHhahahahaha
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2006-04-21 23:58:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Do dogs stink when they're in heat or something?
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2006-04-21 23:37:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2006-04-21 19:26:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
neuter the nine year old instead
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2006-04-21 19:12:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-04-21 14:06:05 (#)
Ranking: -1
neuter your dog, dude.
Submitted by erosion_rules (user info) at 2006-04-21 14:12:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-04-21 14:06:05 (#)
Ranking: -1
neuter your dog, dude.
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Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-04-21 14:00:33 (#)
Ranking: 1
get your dog fixed. if he's not using them for reproduction it's bad for their health. same reason post menopausal women get hysterectomies, you fix your animals so they don't develop cancer in the parts they don't use.
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Oh, he uses it, just not on THAT dog. I don't want to deal with those dumb fucks trying to get me to take the puppies. Other dogs, it's fine. He does them when he jumps the fence, and to this day he believes that I am none the wiser. Why take away his ten minute stands?
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-04-21 14:06:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
neuter your dog, dude.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-04-21 14:00:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
get your dog fixed. if he's not using them for reproduction it's bad for their health. same reason post menopausal women get hysterectomies, you fix your animals so they don't develop cancer in the parts they don't use.
Submitted by COMountain (user info) at 2006-04-21 13:55:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
whoops... forgot to rate.
BTW... dogs swallow?
*impersonating Monty Burns* "Exxxccceeeelent."
Submitted by COMountain (user info) at 2006-04-21 13:53:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I have the perfect solution:
Go fuck your neighbors dog yourself.
When it gives birth to half-human/half-dog spawn, you'll TOTALLY be one up on your neighbor.
They'll respect you for it.
...and so will I.
Submitted by MichelleNJ (user info) at 2006-04-21 13:50:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You should let the dog out to fuck your neighbor's dog. THen the neighbor that you hate so much will have a problem and you can laugh at her.
Submitted by erosion_rules (user info) at 2006-04-21 13:42:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I should pay closer attention to what I write... Apparently, I live on a cliff, as all my neighbors are to the right... as opposed to the Mexican family being on the left.
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2006-04-21 13:36:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
a very disjointed ramble, however - funny as hell
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2006-04-21 13:35:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
A little effort would be nice.