You can tell a lot by a man shoes -- mostly what he's eaten lately, but also how big of an asshole he... (1813 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.64 on 79 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Wardy (View user info) at 2006-04-21 15:05:34 EDT
Let me start off by saying I'm as uncomfortable sitting on a public toilet as any other self-respecting man, and that this should lend one to understand the certain, impending emergency one is acknowledging when they sit upon the aforementioned porcelain god. I should also note that I have no idea how women do it on such a frequent basis, but my chaffed dick should be evidence enough that this is not the only mystery left unsolved that women hold in my mind. That being said, the longevity as to which this article suggests I rested upon the toilet should not lead you to believe that I either enjoy sitting on the toilet or that I lack a fiber-filled diet. It simply should be noted that I was reading 'The Art of Happiness' by the Dalai Lama and I didn't want to get up.
Now there is a certain aspect of public bathroom etiquette for men that as a general rule, when a given urinal is occupied, the urinals to the immediate left and/or right are to be left empty at all costs. The exception to this rule is of course at Phil Collins concerts where everyone is gay. This of course translates over into the occupancy of toilet stalls, more so for hygienic reasons of odor and aesthetic reasons of sound.
Well today such luxuries weren't afforded to me. After a solid Thursday night outing of beer, cheese, cabbage, and sausage, I was in dire need to let my bowels release. You think that statement is graphic? Try sitting for fifty minutes knowing that even the slightest movement could release something so horrendous and ridiculous that the Pope would have you excommunicated.
I raced to the bathroom only to find that there were two stalls of three available, one of which was the handicap one. I should note here that at my college the handicap stalls are equipped with their own sink, mirror, and hand dryer, so naturally I chose that one. I felt like a king. Damn those handicappers for getting all the breaks, I know.
Well no sooner had I laid my customary three layer thick toilet paper guard from the seat and sat down did I explode into a glorious rendition of pffts and brrrappps. It was orgasmic to say the least, and I laid back against the wall and opened up my book. I needed to give my intestinal tract a few minutes to ensure everything passed.
No sooner had I started reading did the quick patter of footsteps interrupt me. The slamming of the stall door next to me signaled its occupancy. No sooner had the door slammed than the faded white Nike sneakers turned and suggested the occupant was seated.
BRRRRRRRRRAARRRRPPPPPPPPP!!!!!
Sweet Jesus. The brevity of the length of time it took you to read the aforementioned onomatopoeia does absolutely no justice to the length at which I was forced into listening to it. The fact that the occupant neglected to give himself a proper toilet paper shielding from germs suggests the nature of the emergency.
After a few moments of panting, the Nike sneakers suggested the occupant was standing up. The fact that they raised themselves on tip-toes suggests a rather gratuitous wiping, followed by the flush. A few moments after the Nikes had left a new neighbor joined the empty stall.
The shoes were impeccable brown leather, shined to perfection. I heard the noise of the toilet paper wheel unrolling, and nodded in approval that this occupant regarded a certain nature of hygiene in his life. The sound of a heavy newspaper unfolding echoed in the tile and porcelain cavern, and signaled this guy was in for the long haul.
A few moments later I heard a grimace. Yeah, I know, I didn't think you could hear a grimace either, but it sounds something like this "Errkkk*cough*ehhrkk" - at the same time the brown leather shoes are sliding along the smooth tile surface, hopelessly trying to grip onto something to aid in the struggle. After a few moments of enduring this, the peculiar sound of a marble dropping in water is heard, followed by about five or six more. The brown leather shoes acknowledge that this is the best they can do for now, and the brevity of wipe time suggests either the lack of residual matter or more than likely the vibration of his beeper.
I figured now was as good a time as any to make my exit when a grumbling in my nether regions suggested I give it a few more minutes. No sooner than I had turned the page, did the door to the bathroom swing open. In wheeled a, well, a wheelchair.
Fuck.
It was quite apparent from a simple peak below the stalls that no physical aids occupied the stall with me. Unfortunately the person in the wheelchair couldn't see this. I say unfortunately because if they could, they would simply have muttered some obscenities and turned - I mean wheeled around and exited. But because it's an awkward movement to lean all the way over from a sitting position and scan the restroom floor, and this handicapped person's innocent faith in humanity, they merely waited for their fellow handicapper to exit.
Fuck.
What made matters worse was the rumblings in my stomach produced a rather loud movement of bowels that permeated the walls of neighboring buildings. Conspiracy theorists are now blaming the collapse of building number seven on me. After a few moments of contemplating my situation, I finally resigned to the fact that I was going to look like an asshole - after all, it's been a common theme throughout my life thus far, why disappoint?
I wiped. I flushed. I washed my hands and checked myself out in the mirror. The wheels were now motioning back and forth impatiently, but this whole personal bathroom thing was nice. I used the electric hand dryer, which of course took two rounds, after which I wiped my semi-damp hands off on my jeans, and opened the stall door.
"Err... hey..." I muttered as I nervously glanced at the man in the wheelchair. "You may want to... uh... give that a minute..."
"You asshole..."
Whoops...
User Reviews
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-02-03 02:14:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I often dream I am forced to use a toilrt located in full public view. And there is never any paper. What does this mean?
The other day I had to usethe loo on a coach. There was no paper so I used my sock (right foot) and promptly discarded it.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-07-24 17:10:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
wait a second... so is it wrong that i tell my dog i love him...? fuck...
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-07-24 14:34:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I will like you forever because of this.
I was going to say love, but that would be gay.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-06-20 16:24:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
you gave him a -2 a while back and he thought you were me, or something...
Submitted by Ingsoc (user info) at 2006-06-20 15:26:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Vengance (user info) at 2006-04-22 20:10:31 (#)
Ranking: -2
I don't know who Ingsoc is, but I'm holding you responsible.
_________________________________________________
Hey, what did I do?
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-06-11 20:48:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 to negate Zanatos. Poor kid, I mean, he's already in Wisco!
Submitted by Zanatos (user info) at 2006-06-11 20:29:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
meh. -2 because you write like you think you're an authority on creative writing...
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-05-16 16:24:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i love you.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2006-05-03 09:06:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love toilet humour.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-04-25 15:50:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
cunt.
Submitted by toucan_sam (user info) at 2006-04-24 16:35:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
douche bag.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-04-24 09:41:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i'm just glad it wasn't today. i have to go turn in a yeats paper now, and after writing that, i don't feel like writing anything serious for at least twenty hours or so.
LATERRRRRRRRRRRRRR
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-24 09:39:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-04-24 09:33:22 (#)
Ranking: 0
Wait wait wait... for the next poetry competition? ARE YOU NUTS?!?! if shlongy has anything to say about it, that'll be like forty thousand years from now? ARE YOU GOD?!? no, of course you aren't so you stand no chance of living that long. therefore, THEREFORE!! you should write that poem now. NOW DAMMIT!
---
I'm feeling all grumpy today. I'm more distracted in trying to predict how many people fail to meet Stagger's competition deadline tomorrow. I reckon 3.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-04-24 09:33:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Wait wait wait... for the next poetry competition? ARE YOU NUTS?!?! if shlongy has anything to say about it, that'll be like forty thousand years from now? ARE YOU GOD?!? no, of course you aren't so you stand no chance of living that long. therefore, THEREFORE!! you should write that poem now. NOW DAMMIT!
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-24 09:29:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-04-24 09:25:14 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-24 09:23:53 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-04-24 09:19:46 (#)
Ranking: 0
that's okay. as long as you can cry that means you're not dead. and being not dead is pretty much all you can ask for these days, what with the whole ets scare and stuff.
---
Guiness makes me cry from every one of my eyes.
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NIIIIIICE! you should be like a poet or something.
---
Perhaps the next poetry competition I can recite all the drinks which have done me harm over the years. From the cruel headache of double vodka and redbull, to the chemically induced migraine caused by Stella Artois (or 'wifebeater' as it is known) through to that cup of hot ribenna I spilt on my crotch as a young un'.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-04-24 09:25:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-24 09:23:53 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-04-24 09:19:46 (#)
Ranking: 0
that's okay. as long as you can cry that means you're not dead. and being not dead is pretty much all you can ask for these days, what with the whole ets scare and stuff.
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Guiness makes me cry from every one of my eyes.
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NIIIIIICE! you should be like a poet or something.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-24 09:23:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-04-24 09:19:46 (#)
Ranking: 0
that's okay. as long as you can cry that means you're not dead. and being not dead is pretty much all you can ask for these days, what with the whole ets scare and stuff.
---
Guiness makes me cry from every one of my eyes.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-04-24 09:19:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
that's okay. as long as you can cry that means you're not dead. and being not dead is pretty much all you can ask for these days, what with the whole ets scare and stuff.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-24 09:13:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your image of women swimming around in that witch's brew both arouses and terrifies me. I'm pretty sure that it would eventually lead to me crying in agony.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-04-24 09:10:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
hahaha... i don't think i've ever had that reaction, but i rarely drink enough of it in a single outting to cause that reaction. i think.
then again, i'm drunk most of the time, so thinking isn't really my thing. i'm more about the jazz and snap of guitars and blue grass or something like that. really, if i could have one thing i'd probably want like a really giant vat of guiness with naked women swimming in it. don't worry about the sanitation, baby, it all goes down smooth anyways.
oh, and i hate experiments of any kind. not just the anal ones.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-24 09:05:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-04-24 08:57:23 (#)
Ranking: -2
haha, guiness makes me fuck fat chicks.
---
That's rohypnol surely?
Guiness leaves my body in the form of firey black squirts. As my ring is ravaged my fingers grip tightly onto the toilet roll while I utter yelps of pain and hissed obscenities.
Ooh oh oh aah ah - fuck fuck fuck - ah ah
christ - aargh
ooh ooh
*silence*
ah ah argh - damn it - fucking guiness a- oooh aahh
*leg spasms wildly kicking the door*
ah ah - fuck no
*attempt at a wipe - brown star reacts by shooting pain throughout my body*
aagrhh fuck fuck fuck
ooh
*wistful look at the sink - perhaps the cold tap would soothe the burning?*
arg arghh ooh ooh oooh ooh
shit - breathe man - breathe.
*contractions commence - shuddering and yelping*
argh damn it
And that is why I don't ever want anything stuck up my arse. Even as an experiment.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-04-24 08:57:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
haha, guiness makes me fuck fat chicks.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-24 08:51:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I might have been tempted to wait him out actually. He's shat himself in public before. And if he started ramming the door just apologise and say it's food poisoning and advice him to go find another toilet. Actually, we should ask an expert. Berty - what do you do?
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-24 08:47:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-04-24 08:42:39 (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/86958 -- oh my god if we linkwhore back and forth and people click on both links we could like create a parallel universe OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!
---
You should read my post "whose arm is that?" I'm not gonna linkwhore that one though. You have to find it.
Does Guiness make your poo black?
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-24 08:37:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/86236 Aren't toilets fun?
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-04-24 08:33:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
sorry redskies, no such luck. i don't have an alter.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-04-24 08:27:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Give what a minute?
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-24 08:26:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A number of points.
1. The exception to this rule is of course at Phil Collins concerts where everyone is gay.
hehehe
2. B@W
3. http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?user_id=26459 I think this is your alter Wardy.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-04-24 08:17:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nooooooooooooooot gonna read this.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-04-24 08:07:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
nurrr....
Submitted by Serious_Melvin (user info) at 2006-04-22 22:11:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-04-22 21:03:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-04-22 20:17:37 (#)
Ranking: 2
Do you think ETS puts on a cape when he signs on as vengance??
---------------------
HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAH...
and no shithead, i have nothing to do with ingsoc.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-04-22 20:17:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Do you think ETS puts on a cape when he signs on as vengance??
Submitted by Vengance (user info) at 2006-04-22 20:10:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I don't know who Ingsoc is, but I'm holding you responsible.
Submitted by Vengance (user info) at 2006-04-22 20:09:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Say what?
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-04-22 08:25:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
what an asshole...
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2006-04-22 02:00:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
With any luck, you will die a horrific death.
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2006-04-22 00:26:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good job, you.
Submitted by Oxymoron (user info) at 2006-04-21 22:11:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love handicap stalls. It's like your own personal office, away from the office. Plus those handrails, for those days like "shiny brown shoes" had, really help out.
We don't have any HC people that work where I do, so I don't have to worry about an awkward situations like this.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-04-21 21:59:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That was the first CD I ever had.
I love that CD
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2006-04-21 21:44:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-04-21 19:50:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
jazzy jeff and the fresh prince kick all sorts of ass.
Submitted by toucan_sam (user info) at 2006-04-21 18:21:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hilarious!
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-04-21 17:45:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And before I forget:
"How can I say this to be a little discreet,
Let's just say my bowles released"
DJ Jazzy Jeff and The Fresh Prince, "I think I can Beat Mike Tyson" 1990
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-04-21 17:42:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is fucking Hilarious!!
Good Show Wardy!
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2006-04-21 17:31:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Just 'cos ya can't walk don't mean ya can't tighten up and hold it while you wait on line. Fuck you and your wheelchair and your really close parking spaces. I'll shit in the good stall every time and if you don't like it you can call a cop or chase me down after I'm done. Think you can catch me? Try these stairs, ya Dalek sumbitch...
Submitted by ampersand (user info) at 2006-04-21 17:12:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-04-21 17:01:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate public bathrooms.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-04-21 16:30:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
so i got that going for me... which is nice...
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-04-21 16:19:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Gungha la gungha
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-04-21 16:04:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-04-21 15:43:11 (#)
Ranking: 2
I know! It made me so hot that I stuck me fingers in my snatch and bum like a bowling ball and rolled myself down a flight of stairs! That's Hot!
+2 for this.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-04-21 16:03:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Phill Collins is so gay.
Peter Gabriel is so kick ass, on the other hand!
This post ruled. B@W.
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-04-21 16:01:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-04-21 15:11:13 (#)
Ranking: 2
Good girls don't sit, they hover.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I hover even at home.
Otherwises my dick scrapes against the inside of the toilet.
Its not THAT big.
Does this happen to everyone? can you get, like, b-dets for peener? how would you explain what it was for?
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-04-21 15:56:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
girls shit?
I'll throw that one out there cause it seems that some fucktard eventually does. poo is funny.
Submitted by TheCrystalShip (user info) at 2006-04-21 15:54:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am always the one that is breaking the so called "proper etiquette." I like watching girly men like you squirm when you are out of your comfort zone.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-04-21 15:53:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
submit this to poopreport.com.
the handicrapper is always best. when you're tall and broad shouldered sometimes it is the ONLY option cause the other stalls require moves a contortionist would find difficult to master.
Submitted by COMountain (user info) at 2006-04-21 15:48:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
auto homo-cushion +2
...the rest was pretty good as well.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-04-21 15:47:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
sac -- i've completely lost all grip on reality by reading these reviews.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-04-21 15:45:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i like a lot of room to stretch out, kick my elbows out as i read the morning paper
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2006-04-21 15:44:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
meh, I was going to throw you down a flight of stairs when I was finished anyway.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-04-21 15:43:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-04-21 15:25:53 (#)
Ranking: 2
what do you teeter and spread your buttcheeks at the same time, in tippie toes!?
i would not want to "practice" that shot. shades of shitting right down my leg methinks.
i like to make sure there's as much cheek spreadage as possible, to ensure swift and semi-messless cleap up. no one like a shit covered ass cheek.
============
Yes. I aim for ghosty ones as well. No evidence.
Still working for you, Wardy?
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-04-21 15:43:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I know! It made me so hot that I stuck me fingers in my snatch and bum like a bowling ball and rolled myself down a flight of stairs! That's Hot!
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2006-04-21 15:41:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I just blew all over my computer.
Piece of shit had it coming.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-04-21 15:40:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
sphaggy only if you stuck it in my zealously clean starfish first.
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2006-04-21 15:37:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd throat fuck you while you slept, mistressfist.
You'd love it.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-04-21 15:36:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i'm a teutonically efficient shitter i must say. i can be in there, from unzip to rip, wipe and wash in 2 minutes. that's a record i think.
Submitted by MichelleNJ (user info) at 2006-04-21 15:33:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That was pretty funny.
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2006-04-21 15:29:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
bOREd @ wOrK!
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-04-21 15:27:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
actually mistress......
suddenly i'm aroused... this can't be good...
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-04-21 15:25:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
what do you teeter and spread your buttcheeks at the same time, in tippie toes!?
i would not want to "practice" that shot. shades of shitting right down my leg methinks.
i like to make sure there's as much cheek spreadage as possible, to ensure swift and semi-messless cleap up. no one like a shit covered ass cheek.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-04-21 15:22:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
i just realized this is not a female mystery i want solved...
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-04-21 15:21:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It can be done, fistress. Practice, practice, practice.
Submitted by v8lover (user info) at 2006-04-21 15:18:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny shit! <pun intended>
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-04-21 15:18:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"The fact that they raised themselves on tip-toes suggests a rather gratuitous wiping"
;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;
I dont care who you are, thats funny right there. and the phil collins thing, too.
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-04-21 15:14:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-04-21 15:11:13 (#)
Ranking: 2
Good girls don't sit, they hover
===============
if you can shit and hover, then you should be a fucking gymnast. i can't do that shit. piss and hover yes, but shit and hover - NEVER!
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-04-21 15:13:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oh come on, those cripples gotta give you a break. for all they know, that was the only empty stall when you went in to birth your cheesy child into the watery cavern of death. how many people actually go into a bathroom where every stall is full except the handicapped, and DON'T use it in case some handy-capable twat rolls into to use the loo?
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-04-21 15:12:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2006-04-21 15:09:34 (#)
Ranking: 2
Who takes a book to a public toilet?
-------------------
i'm at school, i had my backpack with me. that, and i'm a fucking lunatic.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-04-21 15:11:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good girls don't sit, they hover.
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2006-04-21 15:09:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Who takes a book to a public toilet?