Catagories, Marco Polo and Piggy In The Middle (508 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.57 on 8 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by GoldPlatedOrange <jimmyd274.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2006-04-22 03:52:36 EDT
In almost every summer there is at least one day during which the sweltering heat becomes so unbearable that rats will refuse to go at it, knowing that any resulting offspring will probably just melt anyway. It is days like these that make going to the pool such a popular summer activity. In fact, in California (lucky warm blooded bastards...), swimming is the fifth most popular hot-day activity, just behind air conditioning your house, air conditioning your car, drinking freon, and drinking freon until you can snot Italian Icees (freon flavor).
It never ceases to amaze me that children and adults alike can continue to be entertained day-in and day-out by what is essentially a hole filled with water. They'll even pay money to be members of the hole. Certainly the hole wouldn't possess such an appeal if it were filled with any other substance, such as crabs, or dirt. Even more baffling to me is the fact that people will often leave the pool if it begins to rain. Apparently these people wanted to get wet, but insist that it be at their own discretion only.
The truth about the pool is that nobody is actually having fun. The chlorine simply has an euphoric effect that tricks people into thinking they are having fun. For instance, if your friend drops something for you to retrieve while you are swimming, it is all very amusing and the response is usually "Yeah! I got it! Throw it again." However, if your friend drops something for you to retrieve while you aren't swimming, the response is very negative: "What am I, your bitch? Asshole. How about you pick up after your own damn self?!"
There are also no fun games to play at the pool. Many kids choose to play 'Categories' off of the diving board. This is where a child standing on the side of the pool names a category while the child jumping off of the diving board is in the air. The child in the air must then name something in this category before hitting the water. I've tried this game at my local pool (cause us poor bastards in Scotland don't have pools, they'd end up overflowing because of all the damn rain) for many years and I have never seen a successful game of Categories. The problem is that by the time the child on the side has named a category, the child in the air has about an eighth of a second to respond. Games almost always proceed as follows:
Kid #1: I'm jumping
Kid#2: Summer Movies!
Kid #1: Tfgaa- KABLUSH! (finally swimming to surface) I was gonna say Tomb Raider!
Nobody has won Categories. Nobody has placed. Nobody has ever even scored a single point. All over the world, the score of games of Categories remain at 0-0. We're in quadruple-hundredth over times.
Another popular game is Marco Polo. This game was named after the great Italian explorer who made most of his discoveries by aimlessly wading around in thigh-level water with his eyes closed and his hands grabbing at the air, calling out his first name and awaiting a reply. However today it is the name of a popular children's game at which nobody has ever not cheated. Everybody who has ever been 'Marco' opened their eyes at least a little bit. Marco Polo is really exactly like 'Hide-And-Go-Seek' (or 'Tag' for the more simple readers...) except that every game ends with: "You opened your eyes!" "No I didn't!" "Yes you did!" "Nah-uh!" "You cheater." "Shut up!" "Cheater." "I hate you *sobbing*!"
In fact, when I used to go to the pool, the only person who didn't cheat at Marco Polo was the blind kid. This was because A.) He couldn't, and because B.) He didn't need to. He already had an edge: He was a seasoned professional. Hell, his entire life was one big game of Marco Polo. He trained incessantly. He's probably practicing right now. As a result, games of Marco Polo with him ended quicker than...(insert something really quick, like a cheetah or something cool like that)
Blind kid: Marco!
Kid#1: P--
Blind kid: Got you.
Kid#2: Dang it! Yeah, well I've got your goggles.
Blind kid: I had goggles?
Kid #1: Piggy in the middle!
As you might note, this fictional conversation segues nicely into my final comments about one last children's pool game. As far as I can tell, Piggy in the Middle was invented as a way to both justify stealing the smelly kid's earplugs, and to further drive home to the smelly kid that he was, indeed, the smelly kid (see, wasn't that transition delectable?). I never really liked this game because seriously, I really need my earplugs back. Dude, I'm serious. Come on. Pleeeease, you guys! I AM NOT A SPAZ! GIVE 'EM! Thank you. Jeeze. Shut up! I am not crying!
I'm just kidding. While I was (and still am) a smelly kid, I was never THE smelly kid. The smelly kid was always a guy named Benjamin who had thick glasses, bowed legs and walked with his feet inverted. In all seriousness though, I was bad at Piggy in the Middle because I never really saw any reason why I should keep the ball away from the "piggy." After all, he was just a harmless pig... If we were to really play hard, I think we should have had some real motivation. They should have named the game "Highly Contagious Leper in the Middle." Because let's face it, no matter how much your mom tells you to be nice to him, you wouldn't want him putting his flaky fingers all over your ball.
Anyway, my point from the beginning was that nobody is actually having fun at the pool. We are all just very, very, severely disillusioned. Now that I've proven this to you through several neatly organized paragraphs, I urge you to write your local congressman/MP (or other parliament related person depending on where you live) and request that swimming pools be condemned and filled with either crabs or dirt. Thank you.
User Reviews
Submitted by COMountain (user info) at 2006-05-26 14:15:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pretty funny as funny goes...
When I was a kid, I played categories, but it was not like what you described.
In the middle of your jump people could yell out what they wanted you to do with it:
Dive
Cannonball
Jacknife
Flip
Belly Flop
Spaz
Running Man
...and some other made up ones I can't remember.
We DID use points. People DID score. And we ALWAYS had a winner.
And it was usually either me or my brother. He wasn't afraid to Belly Flop and I could Flip better than most.
...the cheaters always resorted to calling out Flip and Belly Flop mid-jump, so we made sure to be very good at them.
WOO HOO! Childhood Pool Memories!!
Want more?
http://www.ubersite.com/m/86749
Submitted by GoldPlatedOrange (user info) at 2006-05-26 13:48:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-04-22 06:43:57 (#)
Ranking: 2
Blind kid: I had goggles?
HA!
---------------------------
That didn't happen in real life..... I'm not a bully..... I promise....
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-04-23 05:16:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by extacy_red (user info) at 2006-04-22 19:15:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was good.
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-04-22 13:01:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
:)
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-04-22 09:26:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I always thought the pool was one of my favorite places as a child.
After reading this post, I'm wondering if I've been wrong this whole time.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-04-22 06:43:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Blind kid: I had goggles?
HA!
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-22 05:51:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Made me smile. I blame Ghola for her seven up shenanigans.