Screaming fiery death: a price I'm willing to pay (1766 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: crap:humour
Rating: 1.9 on 38 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Circe <fickle.muse.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2006-04-22 11:49:49 EDT
The Boy found my glasses today, halfway up a tree in the backyard. No, I don't know how they got there. Nor do I know why they remained undiscovered for six months - long enough for me to buy a replacement pair of glasses and have those trodden on by a visiting toddler.
Three months ago.
It's been a while since I was able to see oncoming traffic while driving.
But today, the Boy found them and brought them to me - mostly undamaged, although the anti-reflective coating is blurred in the very top right corner. Not enough to matter, and we think it was a reaction to snail slime, but anyway - a good clean and they're just fine.
On the surface of it, this might seem like a positive. I'm less likely to drive into oncoming road trains, I can see traffic lights and stop signs, and my husband salivates endearingly when I pull my hair back into a french twist and wear glasses and a suit.
We don't have to play "Read the street signs out to Mummy" anymore, and it takes me less than thirteen minutes of tailgating to read bumper stickers.
I can watch TV from the couch, as opposed to sitting crosslegged on the coffee table two feet away from the screen. We can sit at the back of the cinema instead of in the front three rows, getting severe neck strain and popcorn in my hair and an insatiable need to turn around and scream "I can feel you looking at me!" to the other 300 members of the audience.
These are all good things.
And thank god he found them. The second I put the glasses back on, I could see with startling clarity.
I saw the fingerprints on the glass door, the fingerprints on the walls, the smudges and scuffmarks and dirty handprints ALL OVER THE HOUSE.
"Dear god, we live like animals."
I scrubbed and wiped and inhaled bleach and window cleaner and turpentine fumes (Tell me how else to get permanent marker off glass), got high, got giggly, got teary, and forced the Boy to clean every window in the house and car and all the screens on the tv, the computers, and the cabinets. If I didn't have my glasses, I never would have known how grubby the house was getting. Nobody told me. Nobody else cared. The husband didn't even notice.
This time I'm throwing the fucking things over the fence. I'm quite happy to drift blindly through my little Monet world.
Sure, we might all die horribly in a terrible car crash, and okay, I get vicious headaches trying to watch TV, and if you want to be PICKY about it I'm a better parent when I can see what the kids are actually, you know, DOING in the backyard as opposed to guessing by the smells, but at least I won't have to clean anymore.
User Reviews
Submitted by Alter (user info) at 2007-09-26 22:09:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No, Comment.
Submitted by ih8u2man (user info) at 2007-04-21 02:31:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good stuff.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-04-21 01:32:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Blinkish (user info) at 2007-04-20 23:27:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I neglected to get new glasses for about 2 years, when I so badly needed to change the prescription. For the past 2 weeks I've been walking around asking people if this is how thw world really looks. No one gets it.
I like being able to see the veins on the leaves in the trees, or every star in the sky, not just the super bright ones.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-04-20 22:49:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
really good.
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-04-02 04:55:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Guessing by the smells? Eh..
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-03-20 11:02:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
nice.
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-12-09 12:16:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-04-28 07:32:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Well done, you found your glasses.
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2006-04-24 19:04:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You poor woman...you sound exactly like my mom. No wonder she's a wreck.
I wonder if she refers to me as "the Boy" on a writing website somewhere.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-04-24 18:43:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And thank god he found them. The second I put the glasses back on, I could see with startling clarity.
I saw the fingerprints on the glass door, the fingerprints on the walls, the smudges and scuffmarks and dirty handprints ALL OVER THE HOUSE.
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see, this is why EXACTLY I do not wear glasses.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-04-24 03:38:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-04-23 17:46:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I feel your less than perfect vision.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2006-04-23 09:21:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2006-04-23 07:55:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2006-04-22 11:57:35 (#)
Ranking: 2
Does anyone really want to see the world the way it really is? Partially blind is the real life equivalent of rose colored glasses.
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<ponders>
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-04-23 07:19:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
heh
Submitted by lickityspeed (user info) at 2006-04-23 06:38:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i enjoyed that. i curse this 20/20 vision of mine.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-04-23 05:20:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Another plus to not having the glasses is that when making whoopie with the Dutchman, you can look at him and almost see someone else, so you get that little chill and rush of naughtiness.
He'd like that.
Submitted by Kopesh (user info) at 2006-04-23 04:37:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2006-04-22 21:21:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love how you say "The boy" or "The Dutchman"
I must admit, about 50% of the reasons I read your posts is because I hope to read you talk about them in that manner.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-04-22 21:04:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
and it takes me less than thirteen minutes of tailgating to read bumper stickers.
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Booooring....
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2006-04-22 19:49:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-04-22 17:32:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Monet sucks his shit is all out of focus
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-04-22 17:09:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nice
(i smiled while i typed that)
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-04-22 16:54:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Snail slime. Ha. You're too much.
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2006-04-22 16:10:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-04-22 13:48:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by stardamage (user info) at 2006-04-22 13:39:48 (#)
Ranking: 2
The things you learn when someone doodles with Sharpie all over your mirror...
---
I'm so loved, everyone is always saying my name.
Submitted by stardamage (user info) at 2006-04-22 13:39:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Instead of turpentine, you can use rubbing alcohol or nail polish remover. You can also scribble over the permanent marker with a dry-erase marker, and then rub it off, and usually the permanent marker will come off too.
The things you learn when someone doodles with Sharpie all over your mirror...
Submitted by fried-green-potatoes (user info) at 2006-04-22 13:30:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm guessing they got up there from your days as a Joey Scout Leader--
you told kids they could earn the coveted "Port Badge" by bringing
stuff from the liquor cabinet back home to your pack meetings.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-04-22 13:15:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh and happy ( month and a half late) Second Uberversary, Circe. Woooooooooooooooooo!
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-04-22 13:09:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And thank god he found them. The second I put the glasses back on, I could see with startling clarity.
---
I find it mazing that every time I lose my glasses for more then a day or so that when I put them back on I see EVERYTHING, like I can count the dots on the ceiling everything. And I need my glasses I can't see five feet infront of me without them.
Submitted by COMountain (user info) at 2006-04-22 12:51:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yup.
If a one nighter somehow gets lucky and stays the night (read : I don't have any leftover cash to give her for a cab - and no, I won't make her take the bus... I'm a gentleman) I make sure NOT to put in my contacts until WELL after she's gone. I unfortunately learned that they hard way... 11 times.
This review could be expanded into a post... but I already covered it pretty much.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/74876
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-04-22 12:09:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
my husband salivates endearingly when I pull my hair back into a french twist and wear glasses and a suit.
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Always loved a woman in uniform.
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2006-04-22 12:08:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've got writer's block. Have had for about 24 years.
This IGKTW competition is driving me crazy.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-22 12:08:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love Monet. I liked this story. Will you read my post please? http://www.ubersite.com/m/86970
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2006-04-22 12:02:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
well that was fucking ugly and boring, a lot like its author
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2006-04-22 11:57:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Does anyone really want to see the world the way it really is? Partially blind is the real life equivalent of rose colored glasses.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2006-04-22 11:52:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Life is so much more interesting when you think you might be missing something, than when you actually see it and it's just the same as it always was.
Awesome painting, too.