We Should Have Shot Him When We Were Cutting Off His Legs (1658 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: bestofsteve
Rating: 1.95 on 31 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Steve's IHOP: Captain Average (View user info) at 2006-04-23 04:56:28 EDT
"I can't imagine being alone on Christmas."
Ivory lifted her head from her book and frowned. I could hear it in her voice. "It's July, Adam. The only people who are worried about Christmas right now are anal-retentive housewives and people who have Christmas barbeques in July."
"People have Christmas barbeques in July?" I asked, craning my head backwards to get a better look at her. She sat on the big leather chair, reading another sappy romance novel. I sat on the floor in front of the chair, staring at the space in the living room where a television would be. Instead it's a fish tank. Ivory never much liked television.
She smiled and closed her book. Her eyes drifted into memory before focusing back on me. "My mother used to. At the cabin on the lake. We could never have a barbeque in winter, so we had one in July."
I smiled lightly before turning back to the fish tank. I let my shoulders relax, although my earlier realization still arced through my body like leftover lightning.
I heard Ivory sigh. "Don't worry about Christmas now, Adam. You'll see. Everything will get better."
I didn't bother to look at her. I just watched the solitary fish swim around his glass cage.
I hate it when I don't realize my life's own metaphor when it is sitting right in front of me on an old microwave stand. Even after staring at it for nearly an hour, it still didn't hit me.
Poor fish. Poor me.
Ivory threw her book at me, as if she could read my mind.
Knowing her, she probably could.
When I woke up alone on Christmas morning, I recalled that odd conversation on that simple summer afternoon.
Somehow, between then and now, nothing got better. She lied to me. That's all I could think about as I traced the lines on my ceiling. Every watermark and ancient paint flake watches me sleep.
I waited for the phone to ring all day.
I waited for nothing.
I went for a walk at sundown, when I realized that no one would be calling. The streets were empty save for the occasional taxi and a few other lonely souls wandering for no reason other than they have legs and can wander. And the one guy who didn't have legs was wheeling. He was a wandering wheeler. I respect him. The two-legged goat he was dragging behind him, however, made me a little uncomfortable. Not that I care about goats or anything.
My thoughts went nowhere, but my feet took me out to the old parking lot behind the stadium. The bright lights were out but the giant bulbs still looked down at me from their perches above the coliseum's ground.
"Happy Christmas, stadium."
Those were the only words I spoke that day.
To a stadium.
A stadium they were going to tear down on New Year's Day.
Guess things could be worse.
I could be that stadium.
Or a two-legged goat.
Now there's something completely fucking useless.
Why didn't they just shoot him when they were cutting off his legs?
User Reviews
Submitted by charminglybeef (user info) at 2006-08-21 04:22:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I respect you, time-traveller.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-06-24 02:49:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yawn
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-04-28 07:35:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Could a guy on wheels really drag a goat? I'd like to see that.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-04-24 05:35:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by gravitas (user info) at 2006-04-24 00:39:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by mockidol (user info) at 2006-04-23 20:07:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by a_reader (user info) at 2006-04-23 17:50:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Confuzitron (user info) at 2006-04-23 17:03:32 (#)
Ranking: 2
I MISS YOU BUSCH!!! RIP!
This post made my fucking day.
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2006-04-23 17:21:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-04-23 17:15:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Confuzitron (user info) at 2006-04-23 17:03:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I MISS YOU BUSCH!!! RIP!
This post made my fucking day.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-04-23 15:41:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
GOD DAMN FUCKING RED WINGS. FUCKFUCUFCUFKXUXFKXFUXKFUXFUKUISEI Rweu9ruopawd miopawdasdasdhsdfjk;
Submitted by mono_blanco (user info) at 2006-04-23 14:50:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Unbelievably good.
Submitted by COMountain (user info) at 2006-04-23 14:46:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by G-prime (user info) at 2006-04-23 12:51:28 (#)
Ranking: 2
In my head, the word barbeque is pronounced as "barbeek".
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shit.
WHY'D YOU GO AND TYPE THAT?
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Good stuff here.
Submitted by G-prime (user info) at 2006-04-23 13:47:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Screw the Jets, go BLUE BOMBERS WOOO WOOOOO
who couldn't love the team that Labatt Blue is named after?
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2006-04-23 13:18:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
what inion said
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-04-23 13:08:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-04-23 05:12:54 (#)
Ranking: 2
Stevie... You're odd.
Why is a Canadian giveng us a picture of Busch Stadium in StL?
What about that PoS Stadium Olympique? Aren't they tearing that fucker down?
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They recently tore down the old Jets arena in Winnipeg. I wanted to find a picture because they fucked it up. There were parts in the middle that remained standing after the initial implosion. Even the ARENA didn't want to give up the fact that they're not getting the Jets back.
Submitted by G-prime (user info) at 2006-04-23 12:51:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
In my head, the word barbeque is pronounced as "barbeek".
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-04-23 12:44:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
well i'll define my laughter. it wasn't hahaha comedic value funny, it was hahaha holy shit that's sad but true. laugh at the things that suck the most if only to make people think you're fucking nuts.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-04-23 12:41:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
By the way, this didn't make me laugh at all. Which is what I liked about it.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-04-23 12:37:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
3 posts in 4 days? You just my make MVA yet!
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-04-23 12:36:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
man that made me laugh.
Submitted by extacy_red (user info) at 2006-04-23 12:22:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-04-23 11:45:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2006-04-23 05:11:10 (#)
Ranking: 2
You get the award for outstanding achievement in the area of excellence.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-04-23 11:02:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-04-23 10:46:04 (#)
Ranking: 2
i want a christmas BBQ
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Frankly, I'm sick of them. I want to make my European trip long enough to have a slushy Christmas with my relatives in Manchester.
Submitted by recall (user info) at 2006-04-23 10:53:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great post.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-04-23 10:46:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i want a christmas BBQ
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-04-23 10:27:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
cheery.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2006-04-23 08:34:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow...
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-04-23 05:12:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Stevie... You're odd.
Why is a Canadian giveng us a picture of Busch Stadium in StL?
What about that PoS Stadium Olympique? Aren't they tearing that fucker down?
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2006-04-23 05:11:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You get the award for outstanding achievement in the area of excellence
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-04-23 05:02:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment